I think the image of releasing pent up terror is helpful to me. I have to release it all…so that it no longer dictates my reactions or thoughts. That energy is like pus building up in an abscess…it's got to come out or you'll die. And I really don't want to die.
I had another go-round with my youngest today. I received a letter from his school, he was roaming the halls without a pass. This was on a day that he had ski-club…and he told me he had $20 taken from his bag. So, after I read the letter I asked him if he was roaming the halls to buy drugs or anything else. He got really angry. I pointed out that directly asking him was healthier than being silently suspicious…he thinks I'm "paranoid". In the past, when they call me names like that it means that I am close to the truth…close enough to be uncomfortable.
I do think that a lot of my reactions to my sons are reactions to males, particularly males who are trying to "get away with bad behaviors". I really want honorable sons. I know they are basically good people, but how many bad decisions does it take until you cross the line? What is the critical point of 'no return'? I am really afraid of losing them…to the dark side.
I tried to spend my day interacting with people. Talking, listening, interacting…I've had too many solitary days recently, spent with my computer, lost in ideas. It was a good day. I even exercised…something I love to do, but have been avoiding.
I signed a contract today for one of my jobs. I now have 3 part-time jobs…each interfacing with people on very different levels, but in meaningful ways…I am very lucky. I told my boss about starting the part-time psychotherapy position…he assured me that they want me at this agency…I think he felt like I was threatening to leave…I can do both…or all three. I do think the first thing I would give up at this point would be the teaching. At least I think so.
Not much else happening.
I love you,
Peace,
Maggie
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