Inflexible

Clare,

To answer your direct question…the words come from within.
In the past they have motivated me to write songs because of the exploration of their meanings.
The song, As A Mother was the result of playing with the word 'conception'.
This word, petrified, literally popped into my head a few mornings ago.
When it happens it has a different feel about it…
instead of being like a cloud that floats across my mind and then disappears…this word sparked attention…not distraction…and my mind started to play with the depth of meaning(s).
Does that make sense?

So, today when I was playing with petrify...
I was thinking of the loss of flexibility.
I have certainly created tough walls, especially around my heart that maintain my sense of safety.
I wonder if I were more flexible, less petrified, if I could be more comfortable with my sons' explorations…I am not sure.
I wonder what I will feel like when these trauma areas are less petrified…
less concretized...
less mucky…
just clear and open…
I wonder what that will feel like.
I think it will feel light…
and free.
It reminds me of the Caroline Myss line, "The more weight you carry, the longer you have to wait."The solid, inorganic parts must weight more than the living, breathing parts they replaced. So, I think that shedding the dead wood will be freeing/lightening.

Tomorrow I am seeing 3 patients, 2 new and one established. I am really enjoying it, although I never realized how long 50 minutes really is. Last week we finished talking and felt ready to part at 45 minutes…the office manager told me that it needs to be at least 50 minutes to bill for an hour session…no one told me that before. In the past I had 15 minutes with a patient…if I was lucky. Oh well, I am still getting used to all of this. I really love talking with people…I have missed it more than I realized.

So, I was feeling guilty about not calling Mom back last week, she called during one of our melt-downs. I felt guilty enough to respond by email, catching her up on all of our activities. So far she hasn't even acknowledged it. Oh well, at least I reached out.

The consideration of the witch, rather than the victim is really interesting. People aren't born to be wicked witches, or perpetrators, they are groomed and molded by experiencing trauma and disrespect…particularly when the violation happens at the hand of a trusted care-giver.

If you've ever seen Wicked, it's about seeing the who Wizard of Oz story through the eyes of the Wicked Witch of the West, Elpheba, and her relationship in college with Glinda- who is a real witch (or substitute a B in that word). It shows that there are multiple sides to every story and even those who seem wicked are responding to the best of their abilities. There's a new Disney film coming out, Maleficent- telling the story of Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of Maleficent…who's motive is to protect the land from destructive humans.

Anyway, your thoughts about Rapunzel's witch are intriguing. Was she a hoarder? Did she suffer great losses or betrayals that made her hyper-vigilant and unable to trust? What is her underlying story that drives her actions? Do I see you reflected there? Probably yes. I see parts of myself. You keep your true self pretty captive…carefully choosing who to share yourself with and to what extent. You trusted very few people with your own children…I assume that, like me, you wanted to preserve their innocence for as long as possible. Is that what this witch was doing? Was she protecting Rapunzel from the corrupting influences and traumas inevitable during childhood? Or, was she afraid that if Rapunzel went out into the world she would reject her…perhaps never return? Did the witch lack faith in love?
Maybe you should write a tale (or movie script)…there are a lot of lessons. It would be a great story.

Love and Light,
until tomorrow,
Maggie