mind, body, spirit tug-of-war

Clare,
I had some insight today.
I had a session with my Reiki healer…
generally I am very relaxed…
almost asleep for these sessions.
Today I started to shiver…
all over body shiver…
as I approached the table.
It was akin to the anxious feeling that I've had, but multiplied.

As I lay there I couldn't stop the shivering…
she reassured me that it was Ok..
would not affect the work she was doing.

When she got to the pectoral area..
an area that holds trauma…
I stopped the shivering, but started to twitch or jerk certain muscles involuntarily…
first my biceps…
then my quadriceps…
then a facial muscle...
It was very interesting…
not painful…
but not comfortable.

I came to see all of this…
along with all of the distractions…
and junk food consumption…
as my body's way of avoiding the inevitable…
healing…
letting go of all of the negative and making room for positive.
Despite knowing that healing is good…
my body doesn't want to give up it's old ways…
try new things.
It all became clearer in my mind.
My brain is trying to control my body…
my body is saying, "I'm in charge"…
and all the while my inner self…
my soul is moving forward towards healing.
It's an outright tug-of-war going on inside of me.
No wonder I feel as if I am out of control.

The good that came out of this is that while my body was twitching and shivering…
distracting my mind…
she was able to clear a lot of of those trauma centers…
taking away much of the garbage that holds me back.
My soul put the tug-of-war to work in its favor.

So, she said that after a good sleep I will notice a difference…
I'm not sure what to expect…
but hopefully I won't feel so anxious.

What set all of this off was that 2 weeks ago she opened up those trauma centers for the first time.
She told me that the female side was "mucky"…our swamp…
but that the male side was like concrete…impenetrable.
I think that the opening was enough to create the anxiety that I've experienced recently.
It's funny I've been exploring the word sabotage over the past few days…
it was the best word to describe what I was doing…
and I think it is the correct word.

Now that I know I can live with it smarter.

There is something from a previous post that I wanted to address…I can't think of it right now…but I will come back to it…tomorrow.

Love and Light,
Maggie