I like that you listen to that voice within, and take time to explore and reflect. It seems to be a good leading, an authentic leading.
I also like that we are telling stories from another perspective. The first that I read and truly loved was Beauty by Robin McKinley. It is a retelling, or a novelization of Beauty and the Beast - one of my all time favorite fairy tales. She inspired me to write the Cinderella story from the perspective of the salamander who was turned into a horse. That was fun, but I lost it years ago. When they kids were little, I wrote a lot.
So I started thinking about the witch's story. A plot is developing, character and history are developing. It's fun. But, will I ever get it down on paper? Always the question.
How did your sessions go today? I spent time reading about and listening to lectures about poverty, as part of the course I am taking. I have a few more lectures to listen to, then I have to write another essay. This is challenging. But I don't like the essay questions. They sort of point us to predetermined answers, prevent anyone from thinking way outside the box. I had a moment where I wondered if we were going to change the world or just put a bandaid on it and call it good.
I think you have seen the new private group on everybody's favorite social media, about the town where we went to school. One of the questions asked about the party houses. Our name came up. And I was angry again at our parents for going away for the summer with their two precious babies and leaving your middle kids to fend for self. You were all so unprotected. I had this stray thought, about the boys feeling so cool, because the 'rents were gone. But I felt something sad down deep, and I also wondered how they felt now, looking back. Are they appalled? Especially now that they all have raised kids. Somehow it seems cool to have no guidance and rules. But in reality, being adrift is difficult...and lonely...and terribly sad.
Rereading your musings about the way you will feel once you are clear and flexible, and I saw you singing. Sing it out! Maybe a song about a stone will emerge...
Kids coming tomorrow. They don't know it yet, but we are going to have a crepes party, because that is what they do in France. Oui! Oui! I emailed the French couple who visited last summer and got some recipe ideas!
End of a long week. This week felt like it had an extra day...weird!
Hugs and more hugs,
Clare
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Inflexible
Clare,
To answer your direct question…the words come from within.
In the past they have motivated me to write songs because of the exploration of their meanings.
The song, As A Mother was the result of playing with the word 'conception'.
This word, petrified, literally popped into my head a few mornings ago.
When it happens it has a different feel about it…
instead of being like a cloud that floats across my mind and then disappears…this word sparked attention…not distraction…and my mind started to play with the depth of meaning(s).
Does that make sense?
So, today when I was playing with petrify...
I was thinking of the loss of flexibility.
I have certainly created tough walls, especially around my heart that maintain my sense of safety.
I wonder if I were more flexible, less petrified, if I could be more comfortable with my sons' explorations…I am not sure.
I wonder what I will feel like when these trauma areas are less petrified…
less concretized...
less mucky…
just clear and open…
I wonder what that will feel like.
I think it will feel light…
and free.
It reminds me of the Caroline Myss line, "The more weight you carry, the longer you have to wait."The solid, inorganic parts must weight more than the living, breathing parts they replaced. So, I think that shedding the dead wood will be freeing/lightening.
Tomorrow I am seeing 3 patients, 2 new and one established. I am really enjoying it, although I never realized how long 50 minutes really is. Last week we finished talking and felt ready to part at 45 minutes…the office manager told me that it needs to be at least 50 minutes to bill for an hour session…no one told me that before. In the past I had 15 minutes with a patient…if I was lucky. Oh well, I am still getting used to all of this. I really love talking with people…I have missed it more than I realized.
So, I was feeling guilty about not calling Mom back last week, she called during one of our melt-downs. I felt guilty enough to respond by email, catching her up on all of our activities. So far she hasn't even acknowledged it. Oh well, at least I reached out.
The consideration of the witch, rather than the victim is really interesting. People aren't born to be wicked witches, or perpetrators, they are groomed and molded by experiencing trauma and disrespect…particularly when the violation happens at the hand of a trusted care-giver.
If you've ever seen Wicked, it's about seeing the who Wizard of Oz story through the eyes of the Wicked Witch of the West, Elpheba, and her relationship in college with Glinda- who is a real witch (or substitute a B in that word). It shows that there are multiple sides to every story and even those who seem wicked are responding to the best of their abilities. There's a new Disney film coming out, Maleficent- telling the story of Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of Maleficent…who's motive is to protect the land from destructive humans.
Anyway, your thoughts about Rapunzel's witch are intriguing. Was she a hoarder? Did she suffer great losses or betrayals that made her hyper-vigilant and unable to trust? What is her underlying story that drives her actions? Do I see you reflected there? Probably yes. I see parts of myself. You keep your true self pretty captive…carefully choosing who to share yourself with and to what extent. You trusted very few people with your own children…I assume that, like me, you wanted to preserve their innocence for as long as possible. Is that what this witch was doing? Was she protecting Rapunzel from the corrupting influences and traumas inevitable during childhood? Or, was she afraid that if Rapunzel went out into the world she would reject her…perhaps never return? Did the witch lack faith in love?
Maybe you should write a tale (or movie script)…there are a lot of lessons. It would be a great story.
Love and Light,
until tomorrow,
Maggie
To answer your direct question…the words come from within.
In the past they have motivated me to write songs because of the exploration of their meanings.
The song, As A Mother was the result of playing with the word 'conception'.
This word, petrified, literally popped into my head a few mornings ago.
When it happens it has a different feel about it…
instead of being like a cloud that floats across my mind and then disappears…this word sparked attention…not distraction…and my mind started to play with the depth of meaning(s).
Does that make sense?
So, today when I was playing with petrify...
I was thinking of the loss of flexibility.
I have certainly created tough walls, especially around my heart that maintain my sense of safety.
I wonder if I were more flexible, less petrified, if I could be more comfortable with my sons' explorations…I am not sure.
I wonder what I will feel like when these trauma areas are less petrified…
less concretized...
less mucky…
just clear and open…
I wonder what that will feel like.
I think it will feel light…
and free.
It reminds me of the Caroline Myss line, "The more weight you carry, the longer you have to wait."The solid, inorganic parts must weight more than the living, breathing parts they replaced. So, I think that shedding the dead wood will be freeing/lightening.
Tomorrow I am seeing 3 patients, 2 new and one established. I am really enjoying it, although I never realized how long 50 minutes really is. Last week we finished talking and felt ready to part at 45 minutes…the office manager told me that it needs to be at least 50 minutes to bill for an hour session…no one told me that before. In the past I had 15 minutes with a patient…if I was lucky. Oh well, I am still getting used to all of this. I really love talking with people…I have missed it more than I realized.
So, I was feeling guilty about not calling Mom back last week, she called during one of our melt-downs. I felt guilty enough to respond by email, catching her up on all of our activities. So far she hasn't even acknowledged it. Oh well, at least I reached out.
The consideration of the witch, rather than the victim is really interesting. People aren't born to be wicked witches, or perpetrators, they are groomed and molded by experiencing trauma and disrespect…particularly when the violation happens at the hand of a trusted care-giver.
If you've ever seen Wicked, it's about seeing the who Wizard of Oz story through the eyes of the Wicked Witch of the West, Elpheba, and her relationship in college with Glinda- who is a real witch (or substitute a B in that word). It shows that there are multiple sides to every story and even those who seem wicked are responding to the best of their abilities. There's a new Disney film coming out, Maleficent- telling the story of Sleeping Beauty from the perspective of Maleficent…who's motive is to protect the land from destructive humans.
Anyway, your thoughts about Rapunzel's witch are intriguing. Was she a hoarder? Did she suffer great losses or betrayals that made her hyper-vigilant and unable to trust? What is her underlying story that drives her actions? Do I see you reflected there? Probably yes. I see parts of myself. You keep your true self pretty captive…carefully choosing who to share yourself with and to what extent. You trusted very few people with your own children…I assume that, like me, you wanted to preserve their innocence for as long as possible. Is that what this witch was doing? Was she protecting Rapunzel from the corrupting influences and traumas inevitable during childhood? Or, was she afraid that if Rapunzel went out into the world she would reject her…perhaps never return? Did the witch lack faith in love?
Maybe you should write a tale (or movie script)…there are a lot of lessons. It would be a great story.
Love and Light,
until tomorrow,
Maggie
Witchy-me?
Hey Mags,
Guess what - I still have Brigid. She is missing an arm, treatment from my brood, but otherwise intact. I think I still have the arm, and someday I will have her repaired. I would also love to make her some new dresses. Someday. I'm regressing into my childhood. I think I will pass her on to a granddaughter. Someday. I have no idea how to decide which of the born or possible unborn girls to choose...we'll see what happens!
Where do the words you focus your meditation on come from - an internal guide or an external one?
Petrified. I like the word. It does describe the feeling of being scared stiff perfectly. And it is a way to mineralize what was alive. Another aspect that came to mind is that nothing lasts forever. But once something is petrified, it does last for a very long time. And I have seen some pieces of petrified wood that are astoundingly beautiful. You can see the layers, the circles of life. Sometimes petrification can preserve beauty for a long, long time.
The story of Lot's wife also comes to mind. She looks back, against God's will, and is turned into a pillar of salt. Was she petrified? Is petrification, or the threat of, a method of assuring obedience?
I read a story once of a hawk diving and grabbing a cat and soaring back into the sky. Prey species freeze and submit once captured. They are petrified. Unfortunately for this hawk, a cat is a fellow predator. The cat started to struggle. The hawk was shocked and dropped the cat, who was never quite the same again.
But I think you are onto something when you connect petrified with your concrete male.
Concrete male - like a man who refuses to budge, is so sure he is right that he can not be flexible or forgiving or welcoming...Sound familiar?
Still thinking about Rapunzel. I've been trying to identify my inner witch. She kept her greens behind a wall - she would not/could not share. And if someone needed something she had, and could spare, she still demanded a high price in return....like your child. She kept the child for herself only. Was she wicked or was she so afraid of poverty - of food, of love, of life - that she could not release? Is this part of me? I give my time. I give what little I have...but I don't give my trust or my heart. Am I being the witch by withholding self? And in the end, although the witch was less isolated once she had Rapunzel, a child...her child?...she was still isolated, and she forced the child into isolation. Both were isolated.
The prince frees Rapunzel, but not the witch, and we leave her behind because she is evil and not worth our concern. More damage.
I will continue pulling this apart. Let me know if you recognize me. Please. I think.
Love and smoochies,
Clare
Guess what - I still have Brigid. She is missing an arm, treatment from my brood, but otherwise intact. I think I still have the arm, and someday I will have her repaired. I would also love to make her some new dresses. Someday. I'm regressing into my childhood. I think I will pass her on to a granddaughter. Someday. I have no idea how to decide which of the born or possible unborn girls to choose...we'll see what happens!
Where do the words you focus your meditation on come from - an internal guide or an external one?
Petrified. I like the word. It does describe the feeling of being scared stiff perfectly. And it is a way to mineralize what was alive. Another aspect that came to mind is that nothing lasts forever. But once something is petrified, it does last for a very long time. And I have seen some pieces of petrified wood that are astoundingly beautiful. You can see the layers, the circles of life. Sometimes petrification can preserve beauty for a long, long time.
The story of Lot's wife also comes to mind. She looks back, against God's will, and is turned into a pillar of salt. Was she petrified? Is petrification, or the threat of, a method of assuring obedience?
I read a story once of a hawk diving and grabbing a cat and soaring back into the sky. Prey species freeze and submit once captured. They are petrified. Unfortunately for this hawk, a cat is a fellow predator. The cat started to struggle. The hawk was shocked and dropped the cat, who was never quite the same again.
But I think you are onto something when you connect petrified with your concrete male.
Concrete male - like a man who refuses to budge, is so sure he is right that he can not be flexible or forgiving or welcoming...Sound familiar?
Still thinking about Rapunzel. I've been trying to identify my inner witch. She kept her greens behind a wall - she would not/could not share. And if someone needed something she had, and could spare, she still demanded a high price in return....like your child. She kept the child for herself only. Was she wicked or was she so afraid of poverty - of food, of love, of life - that she could not release? Is this part of me? I give my time. I give what little I have...but I don't give my trust or my heart. Am I being the witch by withholding self? And in the end, although the witch was less isolated once she had Rapunzel, a child...her child?...she was still isolated, and she forced the child into isolation. Both were isolated.
The prince frees Rapunzel, but not the witch, and we leave her behind because she is evil and not worth our concern. More damage.
I will continue pulling this apart. Let me know if you recognize me. Please. I think.
Love and smoochies,
Clare
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
Petrified
I do remember the doll…Brigid...always jealous that you had a big doll.
I like the concept that the opposite of Light isn't dark, it's the absence of Light…
I will have to think about that and try to incorporate it into my musings.
So, this morning while I was meditating, I was given a word-
Petrified.
Every once in a while I am given a word to consider, from multiple perspectives, and discern its meaning to my life. This feels like that kind of an assignment. I almost feel like a traitor telling you this, before I have worked through it…but it feels OK to share it so, I will.
I was mulling it over…
Petrification is a process by which something organic is replaced by inorganic substances…
it allows preservation of the form, but at the cost of life.
Petrified also refers to being frightened beyond one's capacity…resulting in a numbness, horror, etc.
Folklore says that petrification can be a punishment for too much merriment as in the Merry Maidens Stones in Cornwall, UK…petrified because they danced on a Sunday.
So, linking this to the "concrete" trauma center that I am dealing with…it seems to me that fear and shame have left parts of me petrified…lifeless.
I was also able to find this reference…maybe the word will help me to understand as well as heal...
I like the concept that the opposite of Light isn't dark, it's the absence of Light…
I will have to think about that and try to incorporate it into my musings.
So, this morning while I was meditating, I was given a word-
Petrified.
Every once in a while I am given a word to consider, from multiple perspectives, and discern its meaning to my life. This feels like that kind of an assignment. I almost feel like a traitor telling you this, before I have worked through it…but it feels OK to share it so, I will.
I was mulling it over…
Petrification is a process by which something organic is replaced by inorganic substances…
it allows preservation of the form, but at the cost of life.
Petrified also refers to being frightened beyond one's capacity…resulting in a numbness, horror, etc.
Folklore says that petrification can be a punishment for too much merriment as in the Merry Maidens Stones in Cornwall, UK…petrified because they danced on a Sunday.
So, linking this to the "concrete" trauma center that I am dealing with…it seems to me that fear and shame have left parts of me petrified…lifeless.
I was also able to find this reference…maybe the word will help me to understand as well as heal...
Petrified wood is powerful in removing obstacles. Use it to assist in reaching goals that you are having trouble with or to smooth a path for any endeavor that you anticipate will be ridden with difficult barriers.
(http://crystal-cure.com/petrifiedwood.html)
So this is where my brain is at today. I tried to read and prepare for tomorrow's lecture…I kept thinking of petrified.
I had to blog for work…I kept thinking of petrified.
I love it when this word challenge happens to me.
My last word was inspiration…and I am still working on that one.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Imbolc
Hello!
I'm baaack! Thank you for putting a positive spin on my writer's block. I do appreciate you being here every day, too. It has become an important part of my day.
There is another thing to consider about Ground Hog's Day. In pre-Christian times, the holy days were the solstices, the equinoxes and the cross quarter days - the days that fell exactly between the solstic and equinox. Ground Hog's Day is one of those days. It was traditionally Imbolc or St. Brigid's Day. Do you remember the big doll I had that wore the long, ruffled, blue dress? I named her Brigid, and I used to talk to her/St. Brigid every night when I was young...I was such a good little Catholic girl!
Sorry for the tangent - when my kids were young, we knew a woman who was a Celtic priestess. She shared some of her beliefs with us. One that has stayed with me all these years is that, traditionally, solstices and equinoxes are the high point of each season. The cross quarter days are the first day of each season. I had to think about it for awhile, but it started to make sense - especially when I started seeing the first of the bird migrations on August 2, the first day of autumn. And so the first day of summer is May Day. The first day of winter is Halloween.
So for many people, February 2 is the first day of spring. It is for me - it makes the winter easier to bear.
Thinking about the logic of the light and the groundhog...When we have a bright, sunny winter day it means a period of very cold weather. When the weather is overcast, it is warming up. Maybe that was what people noticed. Maybe?
You wondered if we are frightened by the Light into longer periods of darkness. I remember a wise old Quaker saying once that the opposite of Light is not dark, but absence of Light. I think we are afraid of standing in the Light. We are exposed, vulnerable. Maybe it is easier to hide. But I really think we simply turn our backs on the Light. We are still exposed, but we don't notice it, we can pretend our butts aren't there for the world to see.
Maybe?
I liked the movie Groundhog's Day. There have been so many times that I wish I could have do overs. I think we all have something inside that wishes we could just get it right - to say the right thing, to do the gracious thing...Or maybe I'm the only one that beats myself up over screwing up. Maybe that's part of reincarnation - becoming the moist loving, Light, gracious self possible...(Thinking of Pete Seeger here!)
So glad to hear you have heat!!
It is time for me to make dinner.
Love to you all!!
Clare
I'm baaack! Thank you for putting a positive spin on my writer's block. I do appreciate you being here every day, too. It has become an important part of my day.
There is another thing to consider about Ground Hog's Day. In pre-Christian times, the holy days were the solstices, the equinoxes and the cross quarter days - the days that fell exactly between the solstic and equinox. Ground Hog's Day is one of those days. It was traditionally Imbolc or St. Brigid's Day. Do you remember the big doll I had that wore the long, ruffled, blue dress? I named her Brigid, and I used to talk to her/St. Brigid every night when I was young...I was such a good little Catholic girl!
Sorry for the tangent - when my kids were young, we knew a woman who was a Celtic priestess. She shared some of her beliefs with us. One that has stayed with me all these years is that, traditionally, solstices and equinoxes are the high point of each season. The cross quarter days are the first day of each season. I had to think about it for awhile, but it started to make sense - especially when I started seeing the first of the bird migrations on August 2, the first day of autumn. And so the first day of summer is May Day. The first day of winter is Halloween.
So for many people, February 2 is the first day of spring. It is for me - it makes the winter easier to bear.
Thinking about the logic of the light and the groundhog...When we have a bright, sunny winter day it means a period of very cold weather. When the weather is overcast, it is warming up. Maybe that was what people noticed. Maybe?
You wondered if we are frightened by the Light into longer periods of darkness. I remember a wise old Quaker saying once that the opposite of Light is not dark, but absence of Light. I think we are afraid of standing in the Light. We are exposed, vulnerable. Maybe it is easier to hide. But I really think we simply turn our backs on the Light. We are still exposed, but we don't notice it, we can pretend our butts aren't there for the world to see.
Maybe?
I liked the movie Groundhog's Day. There have been so many times that I wish I could have do overs. I think we all have something inside that wishes we could just get it right - to say the right thing, to do the gracious thing...Or maybe I'm the only one that beats myself up over screwing up. Maybe that's part of reincarnation - becoming the moist loving, Light, gracious self possible...(Thinking of Pete Seeger here!)
So glad to hear you have heat!!
It is time for me to make dinner.
Love to you all!!
Clare
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Ground Hog Day musing
Clare,
I appreciate you showing up everyday…
even if it isn't profound…
it's building trust and teaching dependability.
I truly appreciate your presence.
The furnace finally was fixed about 4:30 today. So it was off for a little over a day. Thank God for log walls- very good insulators- and hot flashes. I actually had at least one episode last night when I wanted to throw off my covers. I put my feet out and that was enough to quickly cool me off and then remind me of our lack of heat. We do have a gas fireplace that we ran through the whole time that kept us in the mid-50's. The temperature is climbing and I am comfy again.
So, I have been assigned opening exercises for Meeting this coming First Day. I am musing on ground hog's day. I have two ideas:
First, I have always been confused by the irony that if it is a sunny day the groundhog is frightened by the light and retreats for 6 more weeks. If it's overcast and nasty he predicts an early spring. If we, as humans, see the Light are we frightened into a longer period of darkness? Is it a period of contemplation and rest…or wasted time in the darkness? What if we stepped out bravely into the Light and shed winter early? Is a long winter vital to our growth and journey…or is it a place of hiding and fear?
Second, spoofing off the movie Ground Hog Day, how many y times have we (personally and as a society) relived the same types of experiences, retrying different responses and reactions, until we eventually find love and connection. Like war- how many times do we have to wage war on others until we see that it is futile and creating coalitions become our norm? Like exploitation of other humans, historical slavery and the present day human trafficking…Like the civil rights movement, defining blacks as inferior until they finally demanded equality, now the current immigration arguments…we need to define "us" and "them"so that we can define our comfort zone and identify our enemies…whether they are black, Hispanic, from the Middle- East…The common denominator in all of these is the continuous disconnect…and trying to find connections…seeing others as equals…seeing that divine spark in all.
I have also been listening to Pete Seeger music today…maybe sing a few of his songs also. The Quakers will love singing them.
What do you think? Any guidance or gut reaction?
I had to postpone my Reiki appointment until next Tuesday. I am disappointed, because I feel as if there is something big that needs to happen. I also wonder if I am supposed to facilitate that on my own…see if I can redirect my own energy. Maybe I am depending upon her talents and gifts, at the expense of developing my own…it's easier to use her gifts…but not sustainable.
I hope that you have a wonderful evening,
Maggie
I appreciate you showing up everyday…
even if it isn't profound…
it's building trust and teaching dependability.
I truly appreciate your presence.
The furnace finally was fixed about 4:30 today. So it was off for a little over a day. Thank God for log walls- very good insulators- and hot flashes. I actually had at least one episode last night when I wanted to throw off my covers. I put my feet out and that was enough to quickly cool me off and then remind me of our lack of heat. We do have a gas fireplace that we ran through the whole time that kept us in the mid-50's. The temperature is climbing and I am comfy again.
So, I have been assigned opening exercises for Meeting this coming First Day. I am musing on ground hog's day. I have two ideas:
First, I have always been confused by the irony that if it is a sunny day the groundhog is frightened by the light and retreats for 6 more weeks. If it's overcast and nasty he predicts an early spring. If we, as humans, see the Light are we frightened into a longer period of darkness? Is it a period of contemplation and rest…or wasted time in the darkness? What if we stepped out bravely into the Light and shed winter early? Is a long winter vital to our growth and journey…or is it a place of hiding and fear?
Second, spoofing off the movie Ground Hog Day, how many y times have we (personally and as a society) relived the same types of experiences, retrying different responses and reactions, until we eventually find love and connection. Like war- how many times do we have to wage war on others until we see that it is futile and creating coalitions become our norm? Like exploitation of other humans, historical slavery and the present day human trafficking…Like the civil rights movement, defining blacks as inferior until they finally demanded equality, now the current immigration arguments…we need to define "us" and "them"so that we can define our comfort zone and identify our enemies…whether they are black, Hispanic, from the Middle- East…The common denominator in all of these is the continuous disconnect…and trying to find connections…seeing others as equals…seeing that divine spark in all.
I have also been listening to Pete Seeger music today…maybe sing a few of his songs also. The Quakers will love singing them.
What do you think? Any guidance or gut reaction?
I had to postpone my Reiki appointment until next Tuesday. I am disappointed, because I feel as if there is something big that needs to happen. I also wonder if I am supposed to facilitate that on my own…see if I can redirect my own energy. Maybe I am depending upon her talents and gifts, at the expense of developing my own…it's easier to use her gifts…but not sustainable.
I hope that you have a wonderful evening,
Maggie
Brain freeze
Is the furnace fixed? Did you all survive the night? It was really cold here last night - lots of icy wind. Did you get to visit your Reiki healer? What happened?
This week I am reading about poverty. Apparently there are four steps out of poverty - for a culture. Substinence lifestyle leads to commercial economy, building to an emerging market and then to a technology based economy. I laid awake last night wondering why substinence lifestyle is so wrong. It seems that if we can live with the land, in harmony with the land, the weather, each other, isn't that a better life than being owned by our television set. Once we have infrastructure and possession we are trapped. We can not stop, we can't leave the system.
I feel like I'm falling down on the co-blogger thing here. I have writer's block. Or maybe brain freeze...I'm not being profound or wise. Oh well, we always seem to have down times, then suddenly one of us has a breakthrough. So we're in the serenity period...unless this is the calm before the storm!!
Loving you!!
Clare
This week I am reading about poverty. Apparently there are four steps out of poverty - for a culture. Substinence lifestyle leads to commercial economy, building to an emerging market and then to a technology based economy. I laid awake last night wondering why substinence lifestyle is so wrong. It seems that if we can live with the land, in harmony with the land, the weather, each other, isn't that a better life than being owned by our television set. Once we have infrastructure and possession we are trapped. We can not stop, we can't leave the system.
I feel like I'm falling down on the co-blogger thing here. I have writer's block. Or maybe brain freeze...I'm not being profound or wise. Oh well, we always seem to have down times, then suddenly one of us has a breakthrough. So we're in the serenity period...unless this is the calm before the storm!!
Loving you!!
Clare
Monday, January 27, 2014
Baby it's cold outside
Thanks for finding the strength in my statements…
I am rather embarrassed by my weaknesses…
I should know, by this point in my life, that weaknesses are an opportunity.
Today has been a blur…
my oil burner stopped working, so I rearranged my day to accommodate a service appointment…
sometime in the afternoon…
he finally showed up at 3:20…
started to work and by 4:30 admitted he was not sure what to do…
the blower stopped working and he didn't know how to repair it.
He called his boss…
about 7 they apologetically told us that the part is not available until the morning…
and they will be back then.
So, for tonight, we have the heat pump and gas fireplace, a space heater and the boys have electric blankets…we're roughing it!
I think the boys have a 2 hour delay…so they can just stay in bed and stay warm.
One consequence though is that I have to reschedule with the Reiki healer…
maybe I am meant to work this out a little more on my own.
I am going to bed soon…trying to stay warm.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am rather embarrassed by my weaknesses…
I should know, by this point in my life, that weaknesses are an opportunity.
Today has been a blur…
my oil burner stopped working, so I rearranged my day to accommodate a service appointment…
sometime in the afternoon…
he finally showed up at 3:20…
started to work and by 4:30 admitted he was not sure what to do…
the blower stopped working and he didn't know how to repair it.
He called his boss…
about 7 they apologetically told us that the part is not available until the morning…
and they will be back then.
So, for tonight, we have the heat pump and gas fireplace, a space heater and the boys have electric blankets…we're roughing it!
I think the boys have a 2 hour delay…so they can just stay in bed and stay warm.
One consequence though is that I have to reschedule with the Reiki healer…
maybe I am meant to work this out a little more on my own.
I am going to bed soon…trying to stay warm.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Greed and Rapunzel
I think that remaining present when you want to flee is the most courageous thing I have ever heard. And the most authentic. As long as you remain this honest and this authentic, you'll burst through to something new. It's happening now.
I am pretty sure that you can still enroll in the course, and join me in changing the world. I just submitted my first essay, and I was not happy with it. It is difficult to develop and share a fairly complex idea in 500 words or less.
I haven't had time to watch the last three lectures. I hope I can get to them next week, or else I will wait until the end of the course. This week we will read about, and listen to lectures about, poverty and development. I'm getting the hang of where to look for assignments and essay topics.
The more I think about it, the more sure I am that the caste system still exists. We have that Puritanical attitude that if you have money, God loves you. If you don't, then God doesn't love you. It allows the rich to justify so much. What has developed is a pathological greed that is celebrated rather than diagnosed as the illness it is. I read a quote:
“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” -John Steinbeck
Those without money believe it is possible to improve standard of living. But the rich have stacked the deck, making that impossible.
If we see someone with a house so full of old magazines, books, stored foods -so much that they can't even walk through their home, we think there is something wrong with them - they need psychological help. But if someone is hoarding money - we admire them. They must be good, wise, beloved. I have never read a story of someone acquiring wealth that did not involve exploitation. Either the land or animals or other humans were exploited, used. Sometimes it is hard to see, or we prefer not to look at that - but it shows a deep psychological illness.
The other thing is that once we have something of value, something others don't have, we have to protect it. Sharing, seeing the common good, being part of the common good changes everything.
Listened to the last of the Carolyn Myss yesterday. What fairy tale describes my life? The story that came to me was Rapunzel. I am trapped by the wicked witch - another part of myself, I suppose. Waiting for my hair to get long enough to allow a hero access. In the meantime I am secluded from the world. I suppose the hero is another part of myself. So, how do I find my inner-hero? And how do I make friends with my inner witch?
Lots to consider.
Glad things are calmer at your house,. Missing you!!
Love from Clare
I am pretty sure that you can still enroll in the course, and join me in changing the world. I just submitted my first essay, and I was not happy with it. It is difficult to develop and share a fairly complex idea in 500 words or less.
I haven't had time to watch the last three lectures. I hope I can get to them next week, or else I will wait until the end of the course. This week we will read about, and listen to lectures about, poverty and development. I'm getting the hang of where to look for assignments and essay topics.
The more I think about it, the more sure I am that the caste system still exists. We have that Puritanical attitude that if you have money, God loves you. If you don't, then God doesn't love you. It allows the rich to justify so much. What has developed is a pathological greed that is celebrated rather than diagnosed as the illness it is. I read a quote:
“Socialism never took root in America because the poor see themselves not as an exploited proletariat but as temporarily embarrassed millionaires.” -John Steinbeck
Those without money believe it is possible to improve standard of living. But the rich have stacked the deck, making that impossible.
If we see someone with a house so full of old magazines, books, stored foods -so much that they can't even walk through their home, we think there is something wrong with them - they need psychological help. But if someone is hoarding money - we admire them. They must be good, wise, beloved. I have never read a story of someone acquiring wealth that did not involve exploitation. Either the land or animals or other humans were exploited, used. Sometimes it is hard to see, or we prefer not to look at that - but it shows a deep psychological illness.
The other thing is that once we have something of value, something others don't have, we have to protect it. Sharing, seeing the common good, being part of the common good changes everything.
Listened to the last of the Carolyn Myss yesterday. What fairy tale describes my life? The story that came to me was Rapunzel. I am trapped by the wicked witch - another part of myself, I suppose. Waiting for my hair to get long enough to allow a hero access. In the meantime I am secluded from the world. I suppose the hero is another part of myself. So, how do I find my inner-hero? And how do I make friends with my inner witch?
Lots to consider.
Glad things are calmer at your house,. Missing you!!
Love from Clare
calmer
But the tragedy is that people use shared resources selfishly and destroy them. Therefore we need to have private ownership and governmental control.
The issue is ownership, instead of stewardship. If we assume responsibility for resources, with the intention of passing it on to the next generation in the same, or better condition, then everyone benefits.
It is the mentality of scarcity…once we see scarcity…instead of enough we hoard…overvalue…worry…become ego-centric. When we have the mentality of abundance…or enough…we share…allow cooperation…encourage community…coordinate our efforts. So, I think that they are looking at the issue with blinders on.
What a great course. I wonder if I could still get into it?
Today was calm, so much calmer than last week. Son#1 has decided it is better to remain and serve out his grounding rather than having perpetual grounding…in his own words, "I gotta get free of you." That is the most sensible thing he's said all month. What a challenging month this has been. I have experienced a lot…learned a lot…felt an awful lot.
We had a long talk last evening about, not only the legalities of smoking pot and underage drinking…but, more importantly the behaviors that have blown up around them to cover his tracks. The lying, stealing, running away, disrespect, poor school performance, etc are as, if not more, concerning to us. I think he gets it.
We went to the mountain today. The boys snowboarded for a few hours. It is so good for them to get out and get a natural thrill/high.
I have noticed that since the Reiki lady has been working on the trauma centers, especially the male ones, I have been really negative towards men in my life. I am trying to sort it out from PMS…but I really am struggling to deal with all of the men in my life. I have low frustration tolerance, am avoiding any physical contact, even to the point of feeling repulsed by physical contact…I am wondering how long this is going to last…how long can I pretend to be fully present when I want to flee? I feel really strange saying this…but I don't know who else to say it to. Anyway…at least I can see a cause and effect…and am not thinking I am 'losing it'.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
The issue is ownership, instead of stewardship. If we assume responsibility for resources, with the intention of passing it on to the next generation in the same, or better condition, then everyone benefits.
It is the mentality of scarcity…once we see scarcity…instead of enough we hoard…overvalue…worry…become ego-centric. When we have the mentality of abundance…or enough…we share…allow cooperation…encourage community…coordinate our efforts. So, I think that they are looking at the issue with blinders on.
What a great course. I wonder if I could still get into it?
Today was calm, so much calmer than last week. Son#1 has decided it is better to remain and serve out his grounding rather than having perpetual grounding…in his own words, "I gotta get free of you." That is the most sensible thing he's said all month. What a challenging month this has been. I have experienced a lot…learned a lot…felt an awful lot.
We had a long talk last evening about, not only the legalities of smoking pot and underage drinking…but, more importantly the behaviors that have blown up around them to cover his tracks. The lying, stealing, running away, disrespect, poor school performance, etc are as, if not more, concerning to us. I think he gets it.
We went to the mountain today. The boys snowboarded for a few hours. It is so good for them to get out and get a natural thrill/high.
I have noticed that since the Reiki lady has been working on the trauma centers, especially the male ones, I have been really negative towards men in my life. I am trying to sort it out from PMS…but I really am struggling to deal with all of the men in my life. I have low frustration tolerance, am avoiding any physical contact, even to the point of feeling repulsed by physical contact…I am wondering how long this is going to last…how long can I pretend to be fully present when I want to flee? I feel really strange saying this…but I don't know who else to say it to. Anyway…at least I can see a cause and effect…and am not thinking I am 'losing it'.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, January 24, 2014
I'm here
I'm here.
I blocked my work schedule for 3 days this week because I was afraid I was going to be sick, so I worked less than usual. I never got hit as hard as the kids. But today I have a very full day and finishing up reports took an extra long time. So everything is late. And I'm still tired.
I think sometimes when we are bring hit over and over, we stop thinking about it and analyzing, and simply react. I don't know, but maybe being exhausted on every level is part of the process. I just hope you have an easier weekend than last weekend was.
What days do you have in mind in March? I have to block two months in advance to make sure I have time off. I'll block the days you are asking for and see what's up. I would love to spend a weekend with the two of you. I just hate that I can't afford it myself. So...what do you have in mind???
The course I am taking in through Coursera. And it's a course from Wesleyan University. We started by learning about the commons, about shared resources. But the tragedy is that people use shared resources selfishly and destroy them. Therefore we need to have private ownership and governmental control. I think there's a flaw in the reasoning. I'm still pulling it apart in my head. I have to write an essay by Monday. I should be a little clearer then.
Each week we will consider a different ethical, world problem. We will deal with poverty, climate change and environmental destruction, disease, women and education. It's kind of nice having a challenge in the long winter months. Of course, on the other side, January is generally a very quiet month at work. We just got an incredibly big contract, though, so this year promises to be busier than ever.
Have fun with your kiddos! Be calm and peaceful together!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I blocked my work schedule for 3 days this week because I was afraid I was going to be sick, so I worked less than usual. I never got hit as hard as the kids. But today I have a very full day and finishing up reports took an extra long time. So everything is late. And I'm still tired.
I think sometimes when we are bring hit over and over, we stop thinking about it and analyzing, and simply react. I don't know, but maybe being exhausted on every level is part of the process. I just hope you have an easier weekend than last weekend was.
What days do you have in mind in March? I have to block two months in advance to make sure I have time off. I'll block the days you are asking for and see what's up. I would love to spend a weekend with the two of you. I just hate that I can't afford it myself. So...what do you have in mind???
The course I am taking in through Coursera. And it's a course from Wesleyan University. We started by learning about the commons, about shared resources. But the tragedy is that people use shared resources selfishly and destroy them. Therefore we need to have private ownership and governmental control. I think there's a flaw in the reasoning. I'm still pulling it apart in my head. I have to write an essay by Monday. I should be a little clearer then.
Each week we will consider a different ethical, world problem. We will deal with poverty, climate change and environmental destruction, disease, women and education. It's kind of nice having a challenge in the long winter months. Of course, on the other side, January is generally a very quiet month at work. We just got an incredibly big contract, though, so this year promises to be busier than ever.
Have fun with your kiddos! Be calm and peaceful together!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Pretty good day
Clare,
I have a feeling that you are sick tonight…I hope that is not the case.
Today was a pretty good day. I worked on my next article. I found an interesting historical tidbit from social work and wrote about it. I hope it's interesting…and decent.
I saw my one client today…she feels better…just having someone to talk to…early success. I have a new one scheduled for next week.
Husband took the youngest away for the night…so it is really quiet here…Son #1 and I got pizza with daughter #2 and now he's watching a movie and she and I are hanging out. I am enjoying the peace while it lasts.
I hope that you are out having fun, and not sick in bed.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have a feeling that you are sick tonight…I hope that is not the case.
Today was a pretty good day. I worked on my next article. I found an interesting historical tidbit from social work and wrote about it. I hope it's interesting…and decent.
I saw my one client today…she feels better…just having someone to talk to…early success. I have a new one scheduled for next week.
Husband took the youngest away for the night…so it is really quiet here…Son #1 and I got pizza with daughter #2 and now he's watching a movie and she and I are hanging out. I am enjoying the peace while it lasts.
I hope that you are out having fun, and not sick in bed.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, January 23, 2014
a day to catch up
Clare,
Sorry, the boys are at ski club tonight so I took the time by myself to just catch up with me…
husband and I went out for a simple dinner…
and then reading on the couch…
it's been nice.
I think I have been so emotionally raw that I am authentic…
even if I don't get to enjoy it because I am trying to figure out how to re-equilibrate every time I turn around. Tomorrow husband is taking the youngest to visit his sister at college…
they are seeing a wrestling match. That means I am here with my older son. I think it will be good to have time with just him…
I hope that he is in an interactive mood…
not just holed up in his room.
I want you to really consider this…
I am trying to arrange a long weekend away for S#3, you and I. The second weekend in March…please, at least consider it…I will cover your costs…an early birthday present for you…and a belated one for S#3. Please just think about it. You could access internet where we are going if absolutely necessary…Please, think about it.
Who is your course through? It sounds interesting.
So, nothing much to write about today…I think that's a blessing.
I actually caught up with my work and emotions today. I am ready for tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Sorry, the boys are at ski club tonight so I took the time by myself to just catch up with me…
husband and I went out for a simple dinner…
and then reading on the couch…
it's been nice.
I think I have been so emotionally raw that I am authentic…
even if I don't get to enjoy it because I am trying to figure out how to re-equilibrate every time I turn around. Tomorrow husband is taking the youngest to visit his sister at college…
they are seeing a wrestling match. That means I am here with my older son. I think it will be good to have time with just him…
I hope that he is in an interactive mood…
not just holed up in his room.
I want you to really consider this…
I am trying to arrange a long weekend away for S#3, you and I. The second weekend in March…please, at least consider it…I will cover your costs…an early birthday present for you…and a belated one for S#3. Please just think about it. You could access internet where we are going if absolutely necessary…Please, think about it.
Who is your course through? It sounds interesting.
So, nothing much to write about today…I think that's a blessing.
I actually caught up with my work and emotions today. I am ready for tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Boring Mini-update
Yesterday, I left off before I was finished. Earlier in the day I was hit with the word authentic.
I think your sons are keeping you authentically in the moment.
I am not sure how authentic I have been. I have been tired. I haven't been feeling great. I haven't been paying attention to myself - to my needs, my thoughts, my feelings.
Back to normal. Or never took the chance to change very much.
I am taking an on-line course, How to Change the World. I'll let you know if I have any brilliant ideas.
Not much else to report. Mostly I am tired. And I am authentically aware of being tired!!
Love to you and yours,
Clare
I think your sons are keeping you authentically in the moment.
I am not sure how authentic I have been. I have been tired. I haven't been feeling great. I haven't been paying attention to myself - to my needs, my thoughts, my feelings.
Back to normal. Or never took the chance to change very much.
I am taking an on-line course, How to Change the World. I'll let you know if I have any brilliant ideas.
Not much else to report. Mostly I am tired. And I am authentically aware of being tired!!
Love to you and yours,
Clare
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Be guilty!
Welcome home, Sister!
I think the swamp is home. I think we'll always come back home for little visits, even if it's just to see how much life has changed. It's comfortable there - warm, thick, clinging, and so much kin to visit. The secret is to remember this is just a visit, and we both know how to climb back out.
I think love is a bit more than that general spark. I feel that for the neighbor. But what I feel for my kids is a gazillion times more intense. But I understand about like. I never thought Dad liked me. I still don't think he especially likes me. We simply don't understand each other on so many levels. Mom always liked me, though, so it always seemed. The advantage of being oldest, maybe.
I married someone who really loved me, but who never really liked me. We weren't friends - not really. Why was this okay? Why choose a life companion who doesn't really like you?
With our siblings, we all like each other - sort of. not enough to spend time together, though!!! I have been thinking about my relationship with my youngest versus my oldest. And then thinking about Mom's relationship to me/us and to S#5. And I have to ask if they are really that close, or if it just looks that way from the outside. When Mom and Dad still lived up in the woods, S#5 never spent an inordinate amount of time with them. No one did. B#4 and S#3 probably saw them the most.
With S#5, this is all still new. We'll see how it goes. And of course, now that Mom and Dad anre more central, they should see everyone a little bit more.
I think some of the Sunday night letter is Catholic mama guilt, reminding us of our neglect through the years. Now they can hold up S#5 and make us realize what negligent children we are.
Going to help my kid focus and study...later...Love...Clare
I think the swamp is home. I think we'll always come back home for little visits, even if it's just to see how much life has changed. It's comfortable there - warm, thick, clinging, and so much kin to visit. The secret is to remember this is just a visit, and we both know how to climb back out.
I think love is a bit more than that general spark. I feel that for the neighbor. But what I feel for my kids is a gazillion times more intense. But I understand about like. I never thought Dad liked me. I still don't think he especially likes me. We simply don't understand each other on so many levels. Mom always liked me, though, so it always seemed. The advantage of being oldest, maybe.
I married someone who really loved me, but who never really liked me. We weren't friends - not really. Why was this okay? Why choose a life companion who doesn't really like you?
With our siblings, we all like each other - sort of. not enough to spend time together, though!!! I have been thinking about my relationship with my youngest versus my oldest. And then thinking about Mom's relationship to me/us and to S#5. And I have to ask if they are really that close, or if it just looks that way from the outside. When Mom and Dad still lived up in the woods, S#5 never spent an inordinate amount of time with them. No one did. B#4 and S#3 probably saw them the most.
With S#5, this is all still new. We'll see how it goes. And of course, now that Mom and Dad anre more central, they should see everyone a little bit more.
I think some of the Sunday night letter is Catholic mama guilt, reminding us of our neglect through the years. Now they can hold up S#5 and make us realize what negligent children we are.
Going to help my kid focus and study...later...Love...Clare
Back in the swamp
Clare,
I read your post…and then re-read my last post.
I had tears in my eyes as I read the line, "Wow, I didn't think you liked me".
At first I am indignant…I tell my kids daily that I love them…how could they question that?
Then I stopped myself…took a deep breath and re-read.
Like is very different than love.
Once, when I was writing a song, I toiled with the difference between like and love for weeks.
I love them, my children, unconditionally.
I believe that Mom, Dad, and our siblings love me/us.
I know that they don't like me…the majority at least.
The signs are all there…
no contact, geographic separation, lack of concern or interest in day to day activities, concern for another's well-being, hoping that the other achieves goals and dreams.
I feel as if we love because of that divine spark in each being…it's an internal/eternal mandate.
But, to like someone is a choice.
I am thinking about my reaction to Mom's voice message from Monday.
She loves me…I honestly believe she loves me.
But she chooses to reach out from a safe distance, when things seem to be going well, when I am not going to take her out of her comfort zone- even if it will help one or both of us to grow.
She is comfortable…
surrounded by her doting, youngest daughter…
the rest of us will never be that close…
that's the fact.
The bottom line is that she doesn't like me.
I read our cousin's blog breastofbothworlds…and wondered what our family's reaction will be when one of us is fighting for our lives.
I realize that B#4 is battling cancer…but from the sounds of it his tumor was small, caught early, and most likely has been taken care of surgically. I haven't had much contact with him since his diagnosis. I have texted him and invited him to join us for holiday gatherings and have been turned down or ignored. I have noticed that he is spending time with the parents…now, he did spend time doing work projects for them prior to their move…but he seems to be under the care of the parents right now.
I, read this and realize that I have a lot to let go of when it comes to our family…especially our parents. Mom seems to be the target right now…but when that male trauma center loosens up I am sure Dad will be the recipient of my flowing anger as well.
Just when I think I am getting past the swamp…I dive right back into it.
Oh well…it's that spiral staircase bringing me right back around to important issues that I need to heal.
I have to get back to work.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I read your post…and then re-read my last post.
I had tears in my eyes as I read the line, "Wow, I didn't think you liked me".
At first I am indignant…I tell my kids daily that I love them…how could they question that?
Then I stopped myself…took a deep breath and re-read.
Like is very different than love.
Once, when I was writing a song, I toiled with the difference between like and love for weeks.
I love them, my children, unconditionally.
I believe that Mom, Dad, and our siblings love me/us.
I know that they don't like me…the majority at least.
The signs are all there…
no contact, geographic separation, lack of concern or interest in day to day activities, concern for another's well-being, hoping that the other achieves goals and dreams.
I feel as if we love because of that divine spark in each being…it's an internal/eternal mandate.
But, to like someone is a choice.
I am thinking about my reaction to Mom's voice message from Monday.
She loves me…I honestly believe she loves me.
But she chooses to reach out from a safe distance, when things seem to be going well, when I am not going to take her out of her comfort zone- even if it will help one or both of us to grow.
She is comfortable…
surrounded by her doting, youngest daughter…
the rest of us will never be that close…
that's the fact.
The bottom line is that she doesn't like me.
I read our cousin's blog breastofbothworlds…and wondered what our family's reaction will be when one of us is fighting for our lives.
I realize that B#4 is battling cancer…but from the sounds of it his tumor was small, caught early, and most likely has been taken care of surgically. I haven't had much contact with him since his diagnosis. I have texted him and invited him to join us for holiday gatherings and have been turned down or ignored. I have noticed that he is spending time with the parents…now, he did spend time doing work projects for them prior to their move…but he seems to be under the care of the parents right now.
I, read this and realize that I have a lot to let go of when it comes to our family…especially our parents. Mom seems to be the target right now…but when that male trauma center loosens up I am sure Dad will be the recipient of my flowing anger as well.
Just when I think I am getting past the swamp…I dive right back into it.
Oh well…it's that spiral staircase bringing me right back around to important issues that I need to heal.
I have to get back to work.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Talking to boys
Ah, you discovered something that I discovered years ago. It works with boys of all ages. If we sit down, face to face, and say we have to talk - they shut down. They are closed in and can't listen. But if we work side by side, they will begin to open up and talk about things. I had my best talks with my sons when we were driving, both in the front seat together. Or when we were building a wall, working next to each other.
The boys are just different than the girls.
Did either of them respond to your remarks that they have been dishonest? Or do they feel justified?
I read an article once about changes of plan...they are not interruptions, but they are divine appointments. Now, when you have time to process the weekend, you will have this sweet, loving time with the boys to temper your thoughts, to keep you centered, maybe.
I say pot is not physically addictive, but I think it is probably psychologically addictive. It just seems that way to me, with some people...
I made a turnip soup. Seemed weird, but it was actually good!
I don't think I like intervention. A friend participated in one, organized by her husband's family - targeting her husband. The marriage ended. He felt betrayed. He didn't talk to me for years, because he thought I was part of it. He eventually forgave me when he found I did not know it was going to happen. His sense of being betrayed went really deep. Everyone he loved and trusted turned on him. I don't think that is the way to healing.
Change occurs when the person is ready. I think intervention is a ruse to force readiness. It was a logical first step. But I think we had to learn readiness has to come from within. I don't know how we can get someone to think about their behavior, their effects on others...Sometimes we just have to wait for the onset of adult thinking at age 25.
I don't know. I am thinking about mine as I write. I pray a lot, remain available. Look for the good. Treasure every calm moment.
I wish I had a magic answer. I would use it, then share it. I would make us all healthy. Instead, I just love us all, with our warts and dramas and unfinished stories...
Hugs and smoochies,
Clare (Still fighting the virus...not sure who is winning...)
The boys are just different than the girls.
Did either of them respond to your remarks that they have been dishonest? Or do they feel justified?
I read an article once about changes of plan...they are not interruptions, but they are divine appointments. Now, when you have time to process the weekend, you will have this sweet, loving time with the boys to temper your thoughts, to keep you centered, maybe.
I say pot is not physically addictive, but I think it is probably psychologically addictive. It just seems that way to me, with some people...
I made a turnip soup. Seemed weird, but it was actually good!
I don't think I like intervention. A friend participated in one, organized by her husband's family - targeting her husband. The marriage ended. He felt betrayed. He didn't talk to me for years, because he thought I was part of it. He eventually forgave me when he found I did not know it was going to happen. His sense of being betrayed went really deep. Everyone he loved and trusted turned on him. I don't think that is the way to healing.
Change occurs when the person is ready. I think intervention is a ruse to force readiness. It was a logical first step. But I think we had to learn readiness has to come from within. I don't know how we can get someone to think about their behavior, their effects on others...Sometimes we just have to wait for the onset of adult thinking at age 25.
I don't know. I am thinking about mine as I write. I pray a lot, remain available. Look for the good. Treasure every calm moment.
I wish I had a magic answer. I would use it, then share it. I would make us all healthy. Instead, I just love us all, with our warts and dramas and unfinished stories...
Hugs and smoochies,
Clare (Still fighting the virus...not sure who is winning...)
Working together
I wanted to go back to the idea of an intervention.
It does seem as if you hi-jack the other person…
taking away their reasoning ability…
I guess the assumption is that they've lost that ability…
temporarily.
I think that would be a mistake in this case.
I think that my son/sons have to find their way to help because they understand consequences.
One of the things I am coming to realize is that I can tell stories and facts, research and anecdotes…
and they think I am full of crap.
They have to understand/experience consequences.
I have pointed out the boundaries that have been crossed already…because of pot…
deception…failing to tell the truth…outright lying
failure to do do homework/schoolwork…to the point of failing
picking up spare change around the house…taking money out of purses/wallets…spending money meant for one thing on pot
attempting to make me question my own sanity/paranoia…
failing to respect authority…
sneaking out of the house without permission or against directives not to leave...
I do understand that pot is probably not addictive.
I also understand that their behaviors and attitudes have changed since they started smoking…
and not for the better.
If there is any improvement, perhaps my youngest's temper is less violent…
but I am not certain that is so.
I also understand that young people need to establish habits and gain skills for life/work during these teen years…
my sons' work ethic sucks right now…
as long as they're having fun all is right in the world.
So, while I understand that we will weather this storm…most likely…
I also want them to use these years wisely…
I don't want them playing catch up when they realize how far behind they are…
or never bothering to notice they are lost.
Today was a better day. It snowed so they came home 2.5 hours after school started. I was really frustrated by this. I just wanted a few hours to myself to process all of the weekend's events. I did the best that I could do…
I made soup and sweet rolls…
a pot of carrot soup, a pot of cabbage soup, and two pans of sweet rolls.
My older son actually helped me with the sweet rolls…
it was great to have him work along side of me…
instead of against me.
When I told him I wanted to make the sweet rolls he said,"Wow, I didn't think you even liked me." Sweet rolls are a special event in our house. Probably even more special than birthday cake. I traditionally make them on Christmas and Easter. I rarely make them at other times…
so much so that it becomes a big deal…
I am really glad that we made them together today.
That's it for today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It does seem as if you hi-jack the other person…
taking away their reasoning ability…
I guess the assumption is that they've lost that ability…
temporarily.
I think that would be a mistake in this case.
I think that my son/sons have to find their way to help because they understand consequences.
One of the things I am coming to realize is that I can tell stories and facts, research and anecdotes…
and they think I am full of crap.
They have to understand/experience consequences.
I have pointed out the boundaries that have been crossed already…because of pot…
deception…failing to tell the truth…outright lying
failure to do do homework/schoolwork…to the point of failing
picking up spare change around the house…taking money out of purses/wallets…spending money meant for one thing on pot
attempting to make me question my own sanity/paranoia…
failing to respect authority…
sneaking out of the house without permission or against directives not to leave...
I do understand that pot is probably not addictive.
I also understand that their behaviors and attitudes have changed since they started smoking…
and not for the better.
If there is any improvement, perhaps my youngest's temper is less violent…
but I am not certain that is so.
I also understand that young people need to establish habits and gain skills for life/work during these teen years…
my sons' work ethic sucks right now…
as long as they're having fun all is right in the world.
So, while I understand that we will weather this storm…most likely…
I also want them to use these years wisely…
I don't want them playing catch up when they realize how far behind they are…
or never bothering to notice they are lost.
Today was a better day. It snowed so they came home 2.5 hours after school started. I was really frustrated by this. I just wanted a few hours to myself to process all of the weekend's events. I did the best that I could do…
I made soup and sweet rolls…
a pot of carrot soup, a pot of cabbage soup, and two pans of sweet rolls.
My older son actually helped me with the sweet rolls…
it was great to have him work along side of me…
instead of against me.
When I told him I wanted to make the sweet rolls he said,"Wow, I didn't think you even liked me." Sweet rolls are a special event in our house. Probably even more special than birthday cake. I traditionally make them on Christmas and Easter. I rarely make them at other times…
so much so that it becomes a big deal…
I am really glad that we made them together today.
That's it for today.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, January 20, 2014
Sharing thoughts
I think you're all digging your way to the bottom. And getting through the dirt is not the fun part. I'm glad that your youngest talks to you, is more open and up-front about it all.
I never think in terms of breaking the law. I don't think it is a moral law, and I really don't think it is a legal law. I think it's a modern form of prohibiton. I think the law was made to keep the prisons filled, to serve the corporate greed that runs so much of our daily lives. The only problem with breaking the law is that the unjust will make you pay unjustly, and it's not fair. It can screw up your life - again, not fair.
The argument we have is whether it is addictive or not. Apparently, according to all of the research, marijuana is not addictive. But I hold to the belief that anything that numbs can be addictive. I think it's better to face the pain, than to hide in it. Being high all the time separates us from reality, both pain and joy.
I will spill a family secret. One of mine went to the dentist on a Friday afternoon. The result was a new filling. As the anaesthesia wore off, there was immense pain. Apparently there was an exposed nerve being pressed on by the filling. I called the dentist who prescribed a pain killer, and made an appointment for Monday morning. I went and got the Vicoden, maybe. It didn't work. My child could not sleep, was whimpering...it was horrible. I knew where I could get some pot, and so in the middle of the night - I went. It worked. And the story got around, a little. I pointed out that I am an herbalist, and sometimes it is the right medicine. I was desperate...I couldn't think of anything else.
With your older son, I think listening is a great idea. I know I flubbed that up more than once - wanting to lecture, wanting them to just hear me. But the kids simply shut down, feel disrespected. I knew that.
I don't think Mom ever dealt with any of our substance addiction. B#1 was dropping acid at age 12 or 13. B#2 had a pocketful of yellow jackets, once. Dad found them when he started wondering why the kid was sleeping all the time. The boys really ran the gamut of all the drugs. I tried smoking a few times, but really did not like it. So, in the face of that, when Dad found a pipe in the old garage, he picked me up from school and threatened me. Yeah, they were not very astute. But then I think mine did more than what I was aware of...so maybe I am equally naive.
Grandkids are sick, daughter and I are feeling - like maybe it's looming. The baby is fussy. Time to sleep, becaise of course I have a heavy work schedule - for which I am grateful!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
I never think in terms of breaking the law. I don't think it is a moral law, and I really don't think it is a legal law. I think it's a modern form of prohibiton. I think the law was made to keep the prisons filled, to serve the corporate greed that runs so much of our daily lives. The only problem with breaking the law is that the unjust will make you pay unjustly, and it's not fair. It can screw up your life - again, not fair.
The argument we have is whether it is addictive or not. Apparently, according to all of the research, marijuana is not addictive. But I hold to the belief that anything that numbs can be addictive. I think it's better to face the pain, than to hide in it. Being high all the time separates us from reality, both pain and joy.
I will spill a family secret. One of mine went to the dentist on a Friday afternoon. The result was a new filling. As the anaesthesia wore off, there was immense pain. Apparently there was an exposed nerve being pressed on by the filling. I called the dentist who prescribed a pain killer, and made an appointment for Monday morning. I went and got the Vicoden, maybe. It didn't work. My child could not sleep, was whimpering...it was horrible. I knew where I could get some pot, and so in the middle of the night - I went. It worked. And the story got around, a little. I pointed out that I am an herbalist, and sometimes it is the right medicine. I was desperate...I couldn't think of anything else.
With your older son, I think listening is a great idea. I know I flubbed that up more than once - wanting to lecture, wanting them to just hear me. But the kids simply shut down, feel disrespected. I knew that.
I don't think Mom ever dealt with any of our substance addiction. B#1 was dropping acid at age 12 or 13. B#2 had a pocketful of yellow jackets, once. Dad found them when he started wondering why the kid was sleeping all the time. The boys really ran the gamut of all the drugs. I tried smoking a few times, but really did not like it. So, in the face of that, when Dad found a pipe in the old garage, he picked me up from school and threatened me. Yeah, they were not very astute. But then I think mine did more than what I was aware of...so maybe I am equally naive.
Grandkids are sick, daughter and I are feeling - like maybe it's looming. The baby is fussy. Time to sleep, becaise of course I have a heavy work schedule - for which I am grateful!!
Love and hugs,
Clare
More vigilance
Thanks.
Thank you for your support.
The saga continues to develop.
Husband and I spent an hour or so talking with son#1 last evening…
our concerns, our rules, the legalities involved.
We tried to listen to him…but he was pretty shut down…he got angry and defensive.
The next time we talk he needs to talk and we need to listen.
But, husband likes to lecture…and last night turned into a lecture.
After we went to bed the youngest came in twice to say how much he loves us.
It was great…
but…
there's always a but…
about 1:30 I was awakened by dogs barking…
I found both boys in the kitchen, eating…
it was late but that wouldn't make the dogs bark.
I walked upstairs with my youngest and realized his windows had been open…
it was cold in his room and the air was crisp.
He explained he had to get rid of a stink bug…
but why would you leave them open long enough to chill the room?…
I like it cold, was his reply.
This morning I walked the dogs before anyone was awake…
and found matches, foil with pot residue and several other questionable items…
just below his bedroom window.
It had snowed the night before so finding these uncovered meant they went out within the past 24 hours. When confronted he decided to walk away. He left, not covertly like his brother…but he left.
An hour and a half later I called him…
he was up on the local mountain…
one of his favorite places…
he had run there before when he was upset…
and he asked me to meet him up there to talk.
He wants me to be OK with his recreational use of pot…
not blatantly in my face using…
but knowing he's doing it when I am not looking.
I explained how important it is to develop coping and life skills in an un-medicated way to be able to navigate life in a meaningful way. He just laughs and says life is better when you're high.
It's funny…
part of me wants to give in and just say go ahead…
but part of me knows that breaking the law is not right…
and that using isn't healthy.
We walked and talked for a while…
didn't really come to any real agreement on the basic issue…
only that he is grounded for 2 weeks…
I just want to run away.
It's my turn to run.
But I remain steadfast, committed to these kids.
Somehow, through this time Mom decided to call my cell phone.
There was a voice mail when I came off the mountain…the reception up there is not great.
My reaction was strong…
Why is she bothering me at this time?…
that's my first impression…
not, Wow isn't it great that she would reach our just when I really need her…
not, I can really benefit from her wisdom at this moment…
nope, it was just leave me alone!
If I tell her my troubles they will be broadcast on the Sunday email…
that is if there's room after the Barrow-report.
Sorry, my nasty side is coming out.
She doesn't get to mother me…
she lost that chance a long time ago…
and she lost it again when she refused to help me through my sexual abuse memories and my depression.
Sorry, I am really dumping negative garbage today. Please bear with me while I clear this away.
Perhaps the trauma centers that I reacted so negatively to last week are allowing this to flow right now.
Perhaps the boys are loosening up that concrete so that I can clear it away.
I will tell you a funny story from all of this…
I was driving up to the mountain to find my youngest, talking with my oldest because I needed to talk about it so that I wouldn't be ready to explode when I saw him. I was explaining the events of the day and realized that I had left pot and paraphernalia in my bedroom with my older son at home!
I just started to laugh…
saying it was like leaving candy for a kid…
daughter and I just howled…
she called her sister who is home for the long weekend…
woke her up from a nap and had her hide it.
It sounds dumb when I read it…but I needed to laugh about something…it saved me.
Thank you, once again.
I love you,
Maggie
Thank you for your support.
The saga continues to develop.
Husband and I spent an hour or so talking with son#1 last evening…
our concerns, our rules, the legalities involved.
We tried to listen to him…but he was pretty shut down…he got angry and defensive.
The next time we talk he needs to talk and we need to listen.
But, husband likes to lecture…and last night turned into a lecture.
After we went to bed the youngest came in twice to say how much he loves us.
It was great…
but…
there's always a but…
about 1:30 I was awakened by dogs barking…
I found both boys in the kitchen, eating…
it was late but that wouldn't make the dogs bark.
I walked upstairs with my youngest and realized his windows had been open…
it was cold in his room and the air was crisp.
He explained he had to get rid of a stink bug…
but why would you leave them open long enough to chill the room?…
I like it cold, was his reply.
This morning I walked the dogs before anyone was awake…
and found matches, foil with pot residue and several other questionable items…
just below his bedroom window.
It had snowed the night before so finding these uncovered meant they went out within the past 24 hours. When confronted he decided to walk away. He left, not covertly like his brother…but he left.
An hour and a half later I called him…
he was up on the local mountain…
one of his favorite places…
he had run there before when he was upset…
and he asked me to meet him up there to talk.
He wants me to be OK with his recreational use of pot…
not blatantly in my face using…
but knowing he's doing it when I am not looking.
I explained how important it is to develop coping and life skills in an un-medicated way to be able to navigate life in a meaningful way. He just laughs and says life is better when you're high.
It's funny…
part of me wants to give in and just say go ahead…
but part of me knows that breaking the law is not right…
and that using isn't healthy.
We walked and talked for a while…
didn't really come to any real agreement on the basic issue…
only that he is grounded for 2 weeks…
I just want to run away.
It's my turn to run.
But I remain steadfast, committed to these kids.
Somehow, through this time Mom decided to call my cell phone.
There was a voice mail when I came off the mountain…the reception up there is not great.
My reaction was strong…
Why is she bothering me at this time?…
that's my first impression…
not, Wow isn't it great that she would reach our just when I really need her…
not, I can really benefit from her wisdom at this moment…
nope, it was just leave me alone!
If I tell her my troubles they will be broadcast on the Sunday email…
that is if there's room after the Barrow-report.
Sorry, my nasty side is coming out.
She doesn't get to mother me…
she lost that chance a long time ago…
and she lost it again when she refused to help me through my sexual abuse memories and my depression.
Sorry, I am really dumping negative garbage today. Please bear with me while I clear this away.
Perhaps the trauma centers that I reacted so negatively to last week are allowing this to flow right now.
Perhaps the boys are loosening up that concrete so that I can clear it away.
I will tell you a funny story from all of this…
I was driving up to the mountain to find my youngest, talking with my oldest because I needed to talk about it so that I wouldn't be ready to explode when I saw him. I was explaining the events of the day and realized that I had left pot and paraphernalia in my bedroom with my older son at home!
I just started to laugh…
saying it was like leaving candy for a kid…
daughter and I just howled…
she called her sister who is home for the long weekend…
woke her up from a nap and had her hide it.
It sounds dumb when I read it…but I needed to laugh about something…it saved me.
Thank you, once again.
I love you,
Maggie
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Phewwww!
He declared war, but you refuse to fight with him. Excellent. I know you will continue to fight for him. Mothers do that. I was relieved when you reported that he was home. The fact that his peers think he is out of control is significant.
Your experience triggered us. It triggered my daughter who started recalling two of her worst choice boyfriends - one who used meth, the other used pharmaceutical painkillers. She recalled some of their worst behaviors. It was a good moment to think about judgment. I know she has the family "illness" of wanting to save a potentially good guy from himself. Since she had her baby, actually since she came home pregnant, she has not been interested in anything romantic. I think this time out is good for her. I think she has changed, grown up a lot, become more adult and aware/concerned for others - less caught in her dramas. I hope that when she does decide to date again - first, that she really dates rather than this scenario they have now of finding someone they like and basically merging their lives. Too much influence of fluffy movies, maybe. But I hope she thinks carefully, and takes the dating time to really get to know the person and their habits.
I was glad to be able to worry with you last night, from a distance. It felt like family. I will continue to send love and hold you all in the Light.
I remember when B#2's wife staged an intervention and forced him to agree to try rehab. I remember talking to him at that time, and he shared some amazing insights he learned in rehab. I think some feelings about interventions have changed. I have always been troubled by the feeling that the person targeted is both blind-sided and ganged up on. It seems like it could lead to a feeling of group rejection. But, do you think any of his friends would be able to say they think he is out of control? I would be nervous about trying it, fearing that he may simply seek out a peer group who cares even less.
Just thinking out loud, here. Not trying to advise in any way, shape or form.
The teen years are so hard - for everyone involved...You have my sympathy, my love, my shoulder and my ear - any time you want it.
I love you all,
Clare
Your experience triggered us. It triggered my daughter who started recalling two of her worst choice boyfriends - one who used meth, the other used pharmaceutical painkillers. She recalled some of their worst behaviors. It was a good moment to think about judgment. I know she has the family "illness" of wanting to save a potentially good guy from himself. Since she had her baby, actually since she came home pregnant, she has not been interested in anything romantic. I think this time out is good for her. I think she has changed, grown up a lot, become more adult and aware/concerned for others - less caught in her dramas. I hope that when she does decide to date again - first, that she really dates rather than this scenario they have now of finding someone they like and basically merging their lives. Too much influence of fluffy movies, maybe. But I hope she thinks carefully, and takes the dating time to really get to know the person and their habits.
I was glad to be able to worry with you last night, from a distance. It felt like family. I will continue to send love and hold you all in the Light.
I remember when B#2's wife staged an intervention and forced him to agree to try rehab. I remember talking to him at that time, and he shared some amazing insights he learned in rehab. I think some feelings about interventions have changed. I have always been troubled by the feeling that the person targeted is both blind-sided and ganged up on. It seems like it could lead to a feeling of group rejection. But, do you think any of his friends would be able to say they think he is out of control? I would be nervous about trying it, fearing that he may simply seek out a peer group who cares even less.
Just thinking out loud, here. Not trying to advise in any way, shape or form.
The teen years are so hard - for everyone involved...You have my sympathy, my love, my shoulder and my ear - any time you want it.
I love you all,
Clare
Vigilance
I don't think this is a war…
I don't wish to conquer him…
I really just want to guide him to adulthood…
with no permanent damage to his body or reputation.
I am thankful that I was able to find him last night.
There was a stakeout…following tips…missed opportunities…and finally an ultimatum of hurting his friend's reputation with a future employer. I feel badly about threatening someone, but I was serious. I needed them to understand how serious I really am.
I was making dinner tonight…sautéing mushrooms…and then I wanted to deglaze the pan so I grabbed a bottle of wine…after I poured I read the label…Vigilance. It was called vigilance…I think it's an interesting sign…as long as it doesn't turn into hyper-vigilance.
So, now I have to figure out how to get him some help…and have him cooperate.
Even his friends think he is out of control at this point.
It's time to get some advice and help.
My time with S#3 yesterday was nice. It has been a very long time since the two of us sat down and just talked. It was comfortable…but not totally. I felt like we were testing the waters…We did talk about our kids. She seems to feel as if she might be child-free by summer. She has had these expectations before. I wonder how she will transition to a house to herself. I am sure it will take a little getting used to.
This morning I was sitting in Meeting…and my song, As A Mother, came to mind. The message is that parenting is a reflection of divine love. A mother's love is unconditional…and instinctual. We also sang Here I Am Lord at the beginning, before worship. There is a line, "I have wept for love of them, they turn away." Well that made me realize I am not the only person who has ever experienced this…nor will I be the last…I quietly cried with that feeling of being held by a community which have survived many difficulties in their lives…it was good.
I hope that you are having a good weekend with your family. I appreciate your support through this time. It is so good to know there are people who care. I appreciate you very much.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I don't wish to conquer him…
I really just want to guide him to adulthood…
with no permanent damage to his body or reputation.
I am thankful that I was able to find him last night.
There was a stakeout…following tips…missed opportunities…and finally an ultimatum of hurting his friend's reputation with a future employer. I feel badly about threatening someone, but I was serious. I needed them to understand how serious I really am.
I was making dinner tonight…sautéing mushrooms…and then I wanted to deglaze the pan so I grabbed a bottle of wine…after I poured I read the label…Vigilance. It was called vigilance…I think it's an interesting sign…as long as it doesn't turn into hyper-vigilance.
So, now I have to figure out how to get him some help…and have him cooperate.
Even his friends think he is out of control at this point.
It's time to get some advice and help.
My time with S#3 yesterday was nice. It has been a very long time since the two of us sat down and just talked. It was comfortable…but not totally. I felt like we were testing the waters…We did talk about our kids. She seems to feel as if she might be child-free by summer. She has had these expectations before. I wonder how she will transition to a house to herself. I am sure it will take a little getting used to.
This morning I was sitting in Meeting…and my song, As A Mother, came to mind. The message is that parenting is a reflection of divine love. A mother's love is unconditional…and instinctual. We also sang Here I Am Lord at the beginning, before worship. There is a line, "I have wept for love of them, they turn away." Well that made me realize I am not the only person who has ever experienced this…nor will I be the last…I quietly cried with that feeling of being held by a community which have survived many difficulties in their lives…it was good.
I hope that you are having a good weekend with your family. I appreciate your support through this time. It is so good to know there are people who care. I appreciate you very much.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, January 18, 2014
War?
Sit down. Breathe. Trust. What is the point of this? Is he declaring his independence? Is he so desperate to get drunk and/or high that he has to do this? Is he so desperate to prove he's cool? Is his peer group still the older kids?
Once you know the point, maybe you'll have a leading for how to react when he gets home tomorrow. He has, in effect, declared war on your parental authority. How will you react? War can escalate, I fear.
I will send love to all of you. I will pray that you are led to do and say the right thing, to understand what is happening with him to lead him to believe he must create such drama.
Crazy thought - put an ad on the radio looking for him...his friends would hear, maybe...Is he technically a runaway?
I kind of like wallpaper, sometimes. This wall paper was neutral, textures rather than patterned. And I am glad you had time with S#3, today. I am envious.
We found, today, that we know Emily's former owners. We got a story of a woman leaving her husband for another man, and he was so depressed he left the dog outside on a three foot chain for three months. We knew the marriage ended, but it had to do with domestic violence. Gossip includes attempted rape.
The husband said he had a right to have his needs met. She walked. He may have concocted another man, to explain her leaving. I have seen other men do that. It's the only explanation they can think of. My first thought was - just because you have a penis and a wife does not mean deserve sex.
I got into a dialog today about hurtful words. Women react to the word cunt. It means we are lesser, dirty, only good for sex. I have been feeling the word all day, trying it on, and focusing on what it means to be female in our misogynistic, violent, rape culture.
It's only a word. But one day I was walking on the street, and an unknown man spat it at me. I was afraid. I was afraid for a long time. I feared someone who was more powerful than me who publicly identified and named me little and stinky and lesser and rapable.
Holding you in the Light, in a big-sisterly embrace. I love you, I am here for you...
Clare
Once you know the point, maybe you'll have a leading for how to react when he gets home tomorrow. He has, in effect, declared war on your parental authority. How will you react? War can escalate, I fear.
I will send love to all of you. I will pray that you are led to do and say the right thing, to understand what is happening with him to lead him to believe he must create such drama.
Crazy thought - put an ad on the radio looking for him...his friends would hear, maybe...Is he technically a runaway?
I kind of like wallpaper, sometimes. This wall paper was neutral, textures rather than patterned. And I am glad you had time with S#3, today. I am envious.
We found, today, that we know Emily's former owners. We got a story of a woman leaving her husband for another man, and he was so depressed he left the dog outside on a three foot chain for three months. We knew the marriage ended, but it had to do with domestic violence. Gossip includes attempted rape.
The husband said he had a right to have his needs met. She walked. He may have concocted another man, to explain her leaving. I have seen other men do that. It's the only explanation they can think of. My first thought was - just because you have a penis and a wife does not mean deserve sex.
I got into a dialog today about hurtful words. Women react to the word cunt. It means we are lesser, dirty, only good for sex. I have been feeling the word all day, trying it on, and focusing on what it means to be female in our misogynistic, violent, rape culture.
It's only a word. But one day I was walking on the street, and an unknown man spat it at me. I was afraid. I was afraid for a long time. I feared someone who was more powerful than me who publicly identified and named me little and stinky and lesser and rapable.
Holding you in the Light, in a big-sisterly embrace. I love you, I am here for you...
Clare
disappearance
Thank you…I really needed to laugh.
I don't remember the wallpaper, but that may be the reason that I despise wallpaper.
I had a massage and lunch with S#3 today. I haven't seen her since grammy's birthday party.
It was really nice to chat…very safe topics…mostly kid stuff…but it was good.
I am not going to write much tonight…I am really nervous.
My older son left the house again…leaving a note that said he'll be safe and return tomorrow.
That's great, but what a coward.
He didn't have the nerve to ask if he could go anywhere…
just waited for us to leave him alone for 15 minutes…
and disappeared.
He's grounded for his last disappearance…and did not want a drug screen this week which would have cleared him if it was negative. I told him that if it was negative we could talk about ending the grounding…we had that conversation on Wednesday and Friday…he said it wasn't worth wasting the kit…which means he got high on New Years Eve.
Husband and I have called everyone that we know who also knows him…
including his friends.
No one reports knowing his whereabouts, but promise to call if they hear anything.
I am not sure where to go or what to do.
I called everyone…so driving around isn't going to be helpful.
I have his car keys and cell phone…so I can't track him electronically.
I just have to hope that someone calls and lets us know where he is.
Hold him in the Light. Please.
More tomorrow,
Maggie
1000 posts…I can't believe we wrote that much! Yeah us!
I don't remember the wallpaper, but that may be the reason that I despise wallpaper.
I had a massage and lunch with S#3 today. I haven't seen her since grammy's birthday party.
It was really nice to chat…very safe topics…mostly kid stuff…but it was good.
I am not going to write much tonight…I am really nervous.
My older son left the house again…leaving a note that said he'll be safe and return tomorrow.
That's great, but what a coward.
He didn't have the nerve to ask if he could go anywhere…
just waited for us to leave him alone for 15 minutes…
and disappeared.
He's grounded for his last disappearance…and did not want a drug screen this week which would have cleared him if it was negative. I told him that if it was negative we could talk about ending the grounding…we had that conversation on Wednesday and Friday…he said it wasn't worth wasting the kit…which means he got high on New Years Eve.
Husband and I have called everyone that we know who also knows him…
including his friends.
No one reports knowing his whereabouts, but promise to call if they hear anything.
I am not sure where to go or what to do.
I called everyone…so driving around isn't going to be helpful.
I have his car keys and cell phone…so I can't track him electronically.
I just have to hope that someone calls and lets us know where he is.
Hold him in the Light. Please.
More tomorrow,
Maggie
1000 posts…I can't believe we wrote that much! Yeah us!
Friday, January 17, 2014
1001
You wrote the 1000th post! We've written 1000 posts. We really did!
And you are an official therapist with an honest-to-God client!
Progress!
I remember the mimosa. The way the leaves folded when we ran our fingers along the vein was fascinating. And I remember stripping some of the leaves to use as Barbi-doll dollars. And there was more than one chicken processing plant. Do you remember how, once a week, they would burn feathers? The whole town smelled putrid. It took awhile to get used to it. But eventually we became like the locals, and didn't really notice. I remember someone catching an occasional escaped chicken. Then it was interesting. Now I think of its escape from terror into the unknown, and probably more terror - either captured by a predator or life alone, without a flock.
Things that stay with me from the dream is that there were things in the closets, stuffed on shelves that need to be cleaned out. My room, in the front, did not have a closet. But I know there were some in the back part of the house. And then that front stairway. I wonder what it was. I always thought that front hall at the top of the stairs was haunted. There was something cold there. I hated going to bed, because there was no way to avoid it. I always came up the back stairs, and through everyone's bedrooms. It was safer than coming up the front stairs - especially alone...especially at night...I would stand in the doorway, at the threshhold of the girls' room, and rock back and forth on the balls of my feet, getting my nerve up. Then I would race through the hall, through the little room outside my room, into my room, slam the door, pull the cord to turn on the light and dive on the bed. Then I waited for my fear to cease, I opened a book and disappeared into a novel until I could no longer keep my eyes open.
That little room outside my room was S#5's nursery for awhile. Then it was your room. Tinya went back and forth between our rooms. I used to come and steal her after you went to sleep.
So I need to clean the closets and throw ooky stuff away, and I need to cut the front door/front entryway wide open so coming and going becomes easily.
I don't remember using that front room much. I don't remember ever using that front door. I don't remember using the front stairs...I remember paneling was all the rage, and so Dad bought a few pieces of paneling to put on one wall, then wallpapered the rest of the room. Himself. He even wallpapered the ceiling. The pieces were not aligned. One piece was definitely diagonal. I remember him cutting postage stamp sizes of wall paper to fill in the little spaces he missed. I also remember him covering the front door with foil for Christmas, then putting a big red ribbon on it, so it looked like a package. I think that was the year Mom let us mix dish liquid in tempera paints, and paint the front windows to look like stained glass.
Maybe your dream was prophetic...Maybe you'll be the last of us to die. Maybe...Hope I didn't go first, although I would not wish that on anyone else...
It's finally Friday...Get to sleep as long as I need to tomorrow!
Love to you from Clare...
And you are an official therapist with an honest-to-God client!
Progress!
I remember the mimosa. The way the leaves folded when we ran our fingers along the vein was fascinating. And I remember stripping some of the leaves to use as Barbi-doll dollars. And there was more than one chicken processing plant. Do you remember how, once a week, they would burn feathers? The whole town smelled putrid. It took awhile to get used to it. But eventually we became like the locals, and didn't really notice. I remember someone catching an occasional escaped chicken. Then it was interesting. Now I think of its escape from terror into the unknown, and probably more terror - either captured by a predator or life alone, without a flock.
Things that stay with me from the dream is that there were things in the closets, stuffed on shelves that need to be cleaned out. My room, in the front, did not have a closet. But I know there were some in the back part of the house. And then that front stairway. I wonder what it was. I always thought that front hall at the top of the stairs was haunted. There was something cold there. I hated going to bed, because there was no way to avoid it. I always came up the back stairs, and through everyone's bedrooms. It was safer than coming up the front stairs - especially alone...especially at night...I would stand in the doorway, at the threshhold of the girls' room, and rock back and forth on the balls of my feet, getting my nerve up. Then I would race through the hall, through the little room outside my room, into my room, slam the door, pull the cord to turn on the light and dive on the bed. Then I waited for my fear to cease, I opened a book and disappeared into a novel until I could no longer keep my eyes open.
That little room outside my room was S#5's nursery for awhile. Then it was your room. Tinya went back and forth between our rooms. I used to come and steal her after you went to sleep.
So I need to clean the closets and throw ooky stuff away, and I need to cut the front door/front entryway wide open so coming and going becomes easily.
I don't remember using that front room much. I don't remember ever using that front door. I don't remember using the front stairs...I remember paneling was all the rage, and so Dad bought a few pieces of paneling to put on one wall, then wallpapered the rest of the room. Himself. He even wallpapered the ceiling. The pieces were not aligned. One piece was definitely diagonal. I remember him cutting postage stamp sizes of wall paper to fill in the little spaces he missed. I also remember him covering the front door with foil for Christmas, then putting a big red ribbon on it, so it looked like a package. I think that was the year Mom let us mix dish liquid in tempera paints, and paint the front windows to look like stained glass.
Maybe your dream was prophetic...Maybe you'll be the last of us to die. Maybe...Hope I didn't go first, although I would not wish that on anyone else...
It's finally Friday...Get to sleep as long as I need to tomorrow!
Love to you from Clare...
Memories from the House on Center Street
That's a great dream…
I wonder what the significance of that front entrance is?
I had a recurrent dream when I was young about that stairway and that front door…
I think I've shared it with you before…
The war is going on in our house…at the spot that you are talking about. All of us kids are at the top of those stairs terrified, trying to escape…
One by one each kid took their turn at escape…
each ran or sneaked down those stairs…
each in turn was shot and killed.
I don't know if I was smarter or more cowardly than the rest of you, but I waited until last.
I still don't know if I made it out alive or not.
I remember telling Mom that dream one night when we were in Pittsburgh…
at a restaurant…
She wasn't very comfortable with the images.
But, I told her that what I learned from that dream was to patiently watch how others navigate through difficult times…
and learn from their failures…
or successes if there are any.
I remember the mimosa tree in the front yard…just the pink, spring blossoms…how beautiful they were.
I remember the alley and disheveled buildings but not mulberries…
that's where I found Tinea, my cat.
I also remember how negative that town was.
That nasty chicken processing plant on the other side of the school field/playground.
My only really good memories are my kindergarten teacher…
she made me feel good about my work and my self.
Oh and popping tar bubbles with my toes on the road!
So I did see a client today…
One cancelled and one showed up.
I liked her.
It was good.
I've got to take my youngest to a baseball workout.
Gotta start in the offseason!
Love and Light,
Maggie
I wonder what the significance of that front entrance is?
I had a recurrent dream when I was young about that stairway and that front door…
I think I've shared it with you before…
The war is going on in our house…at the spot that you are talking about. All of us kids are at the top of those stairs terrified, trying to escape…
One by one each kid took their turn at escape…
each ran or sneaked down those stairs…
each in turn was shot and killed.
I don't know if I was smarter or more cowardly than the rest of you, but I waited until last.
I still don't know if I made it out alive or not.
I remember telling Mom that dream one night when we were in Pittsburgh…
at a restaurant…
She wasn't very comfortable with the images.
But, I told her that what I learned from that dream was to patiently watch how others navigate through difficult times…
and learn from their failures…
or successes if there are any.
I remember the mimosa tree in the front yard…just the pink, spring blossoms…how beautiful they were.
I remember the alley and disheveled buildings but not mulberries…
that's where I found Tinea, my cat.
I also remember how negative that town was.
That nasty chicken processing plant on the other side of the school field/playground.
My only really good memories are my kindergarten teacher…
she made me feel good about my work and my self.
Oh and popping tar bubbles with my toes on the road!
So I did see a client today…
One cancelled and one showed up.
I liked her.
It was good.
I've got to take my youngest to a baseball workout.
Gotta start in the offseason!
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Remembery
I understand about the cleansing. I listened to a Quaker healer once who has done some amazing work. He was letting the pain draw him in, when he realized he washed his hands between clients. He started letting the emotion flow down the drain every time he washed his hands. Now he is able to keep his balance.
I had a dream last night. I was in the big house we lived in when Dad was in Viet Nam. I was touring through with a real estate agent. Although I couldn't see, I knew there were things stored in the closets that have to be cleaned out. The woman was short, blond, very curt, very unfriendly. As we got to the front part of the house, and to the door that opened onto the street, I began to be frightened. I realized I could barely squeeze between the front living room and into the hall to get out the door. I realized I was very afraid of those front stairs.
Then I sort of stood up, psychologically, looked at the space, and asked if it was okay to hire someone to renovate the front. I planned to cut it all open and make it easy to get in and out.
I guess I have some lingering terror, etc. that I've gotten deep enough to explore connected to that place, or to that time. It was such an awful time in such a difficult little town.
Memories...I suddenly remembered the row of weeping willows that draped gracefully our over the sidewalk. I really loved them. I also loved the pear tree, and the grapes that had been planted on that fence that divided the yards. And we had rhubarb in the back corner. Why am I remembering this? I remember the town drunk who used to shamble by every day, and who made a pass at Grandmom once when they were visiting...Something to the effect of, "Hey, Baby..."
I remember lying in the grass and studying clover. I remember trying to dye cloth with mulberries that grew across the alley, in those collapsed buildings where all the stray cats congregated.
Not sure why I am remembering this. It's just sort of coming...any ideas?
Love to you and yourn,
Clare
I had a dream last night. I was in the big house we lived in when Dad was in Viet Nam. I was touring through with a real estate agent. Although I couldn't see, I knew there were things stored in the closets that have to be cleaned out. The woman was short, blond, very curt, very unfriendly. As we got to the front part of the house, and to the door that opened onto the street, I began to be frightened. I realized I could barely squeeze between the front living room and into the hall to get out the door. I realized I was very afraid of those front stairs.
Then I sort of stood up, psychologically, looked at the space, and asked if it was okay to hire someone to renovate the front. I planned to cut it all open and make it easy to get in and out.
I guess I have some lingering terror, etc. that I've gotten deep enough to explore connected to that place, or to that time. It was such an awful time in such a difficult little town.
Memories...I suddenly remembered the row of weeping willows that draped gracefully our over the sidewalk. I really loved them. I also loved the pear tree, and the grapes that had been planted on that fence that divided the yards. And we had rhubarb in the back corner. Why am I remembering this? I remember the town drunk who used to shamble by every day, and who made a pass at Grandmom once when they were visiting...Something to the effect of, "Hey, Baby..."
I remember lying in the grass and studying clover. I remember trying to dye cloth with mulberries that grew across the alley, in those collapsed buildings where all the stray cats congregated.
Not sure why I am remembering this. It's just sort of coming...any ideas?
Love to you and yourn,
Clare
brilliance hidden amid the darkness
Clare,
I am not sure that 3 jobs should be anyone's goal…
but they do complement each other to give me plenty of inspiration and expression.
I have my first clients tomorrow at the counseling center…
I am really looking forward to it. I am interested to see how well I can open myself to listening to stranger's issues…and still protect myself from getting pulled into the drama.
My Reiki healer taught me to do a 'cleansing' after each one to break and rope or cords that might tie me into another's circumstances. I think this will be good, because then I can allow myself to open without fear….Be vulnerable enough to connect.
Husband attended his uncle's funeral on Tuesday in the Mid-West. The most interesting part of the day, to me, was that the family brought along a basket filled with wooden carvings, all done by his uncle, and asked people to take one to remember him. Husband brought home a small deer in very simple form. It will be nice to see it and remember his uncle.
I have told my sons that there is a period of time where they will be fighting for independence…
and we will literally be fighting the battles.
I told them that I understand this, acknowledge that this is the process we are living through, and that we will all come out intact at the other end. I asked them to remember that, when all of this is finished we will still be family slit is important to maintain respect throughout. Basically, don;t say something that is going to offend another to the point that they don't forgive you. I understand all of this…can see it happening…and yet it is still stressful. I do know that if I failed to understand all of this I would be even more stressed and unhappy. So I am thankful for the insight.
I have been having vertigo over the past two days. I am wondering if I am getting sick- I don't feel like it- or if my recent Reiki threw me off balance. I will just take it easy and drink plenty of fluids, that will work either way.
I wonder what we carry inside…you're ideas are intriguing. But, in the past you've reminded me, there are good bits of memory too. Perhaps we need another round of sharing good memories. I liked the idea of brilliant piece of artwork hidden amid all of the darkness and fear. I think I will hold onto that.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am not sure that 3 jobs should be anyone's goal…
but they do complement each other to give me plenty of inspiration and expression.
I have my first clients tomorrow at the counseling center…
I am really looking forward to it. I am interested to see how well I can open myself to listening to stranger's issues…and still protect myself from getting pulled into the drama.
My Reiki healer taught me to do a 'cleansing' after each one to break and rope or cords that might tie me into another's circumstances. I think this will be good, because then I can allow myself to open without fear….Be vulnerable enough to connect.
Husband attended his uncle's funeral on Tuesday in the Mid-West. The most interesting part of the day, to me, was that the family brought along a basket filled with wooden carvings, all done by his uncle, and asked people to take one to remember him. Husband brought home a small deer in very simple form. It will be nice to see it and remember his uncle.
I have told my sons that there is a period of time where they will be fighting for independence…
and we will literally be fighting the battles.
I told them that I understand this, acknowledge that this is the process we are living through, and that we will all come out intact at the other end. I asked them to remember that, when all of this is finished we will still be family slit is important to maintain respect throughout. Basically, don;t say something that is going to offend another to the point that they don't forgive you. I understand all of this…can see it happening…and yet it is still stressful. I do know that if I failed to understand all of this I would be even more stressed and unhappy. So I am thankful for the insight.
I have been having vertigo over the past two days. I am wondering if I am getting sick- I don't feel like it- or if my recent Reiki threw me off balance. I will just take it easy and drink plenty of fluids, that will work either way.
I wonder what we carry inside…you're ideas are intriguing. But, in the past you've reminded me, there are good bits of memory too. Perhaps we need another round of sharing good memories. I liked the idea of brilliant piece of artwork hidden amid all of the darkness and fear. I think I will hold onto that.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
What's inside
I started thinking about what we have stored inside of us. Terror, tears, loneliness, fear, old stories, shredded photographs, escapist daydreams...Then I started wondering what it all could be transformed into. I had the image of a sparkling piece of artwork. I imagine that would be a great show of vulnerability and strength. Transforming pain into something beautiful, and letting people see it.
My cat has been ignoring me for days, and now she is insisting on sitting between me and the monitor. It makes thinking about my words here...difficult. But she's purring and so I don't want to move her. How is your dog? Have you found anything new?
I found that my kids had to break away from me. They had to rebel. And they chose things that they knew would create the biggest reaction in me - like smoking (What is wrong with you? You know what that is going to do to your lungs, your body. I didn't spend all these years feeding you organic food, taking care of you, protecting you, to have you destroy your health with this habit...you're a pawn of the industry...I still do it now that they are struggling with stopping...) They have to go to an extreme to yank you, to break from you. Then they come back and the relationship is changed. My oldest gets closer to peer as we dance through this process. In fact, when I stop and consider them, they are all closer to peer...but I'm still Mom. We danced through much of what you are doing, including arrests. In true Delana fashion, though - we don't talk. But we survived. I think they are all fairly stable now. Your boys are partly doing this.
What I hate though, is the way social mores and current lowest form of culture has taken over and is more important than family values. That is where I think a lot of your current struggle lies.
How much different was surviving adolescence with the girls? I know it's different.
I need to find two more part time jobs! You are having too much fun!
I love you, sleep well...
Clare
My cat has been ignoring me for days, and now she is insisting on sitting between me and the monitor. It makes thinking about my words here...difficult. But she's purring and so I don't want to move her. How is your dog? Have you found anything new?
I found that my kids had to break away from me. They had to rebel. And they chose things that they knew would create the biggest reaction in me - like smoking (What is wrong with you? You know what that is going to do to your lungs, your body. I didn't spend all these years feeding you organic food, taking care of you, protecting you, to have you destroy your health with this habit...you're a pawn of the industry...I still do it now that they are struggling with stopping...) They have to go to an extreme to yank you, to break from you. Then they come back and the relationship is changed. My oldest gets closer to peer as we dance through this process. In fact, when I stop and consider them, they are all closer to peer...but I'm still Mom. We danced through much of what you are doing, including arrests. In true Delana fashion, though - we don't talk. But we survived. I think they are all fairly stable now. Your boys are partly doing this.
What I hate though, is the way social mores and current lowest form of culture has taken over and is more important than family values. That is where I think a lot of your current struggle lies.
How much different was surviving adolescence with the girls? I know it's different.
I need to find two more part time jobs! You are having too much fun!
I love you, sleep well...
Clare
just another day
I think the image of releasing pent up terror is helpful to me. I have to release it all…so that it no longer dictates my reactions or thoughts. That energy is like pus building up in an abscess…it's got to come out or you'll die. And I really don't want to die.
I had another go-round with my youngest today. I received a letter from his school, he was roaming the halls without a pass. This was on a day that he had ski-club…and he told me he had $20 taken from his bag. So, after I read the letter I asked him if he was roaming the halls to buy drugs or anything else. He got really angry. I pointed out that directly asking him was healthier than being silently suspicious…he thinks I'm "paranoid". In the past, when they call me names like that it means that I am close to the truth…close enough to be uncomfortable.
I do think that a lot of my reactions to my sons are reactions to males, particularly males who are trying to "get away with bad behaviors". I really want honorable sons. I know they are basically good people, but how many bad decisions does it take until you cross the line? What is the critical point of 'no return'? I am really afraid of losing them…to the dark side.
I tried to spend my day interacting with people. Talking, listening, interacting…I've had too many solitary days recently, spent with my computer, lost in ideas. It was a good day. I even exercised…something I love to do, but have been avoiding.
I signed a contract today for one of my jobs. I now have 3 part-time jobs…each interfacing with people on very different levels, but in meaningful ways…I am very lucky. I told my boss about starting the part-time psychotherapy position…he assured me that they want me at this agency…I think he felt like I was threatening to leave…I can do both…or all three. I do think the first thing I would give up at this point would be the teaching. At least I think so.
Not much else happening.
I love you,
Peace,
Maggie
I had another go-round with my youngest today. I received a letter from his school, he was roaming the halls without a pass. This was on a day that he had ski-club…and he told me he had $20 taken from his bag. So, after I read the letter I asked him if he was roaming the halls to buy drugs or anything else. He got really angry. I pointed out that directly asking him was healthier than being silently suspicious…he thinks I'm "paranoid". In the past, when they call me names like that it means that I am close to the truth…close enough to be uncomfortable.
I do think that a lot of my reactions to my sons are reactions to males, particularly males who are trying to "get away with bad behaviors". I really want honorable sons. I know they are basically good people, but how many bad decisions does it take until you cross the line? What is the critical point of 'no return'? I am really afraid of losing them…to the dark side.
I tried to spend my day interacting with people. Talking, listening, interacting…I've had too many solitary days recently, spent with my computer, lost in ideas. It was a good day. I even exercised…something I love to do, but have been avoiding.
I signed a contract today for one of my jobs. I now have 3 part-time jobs…each interfacing with people on very different levels, but in meaningful ways…I am very lucky. I told my boss about starting the part-time psychotherapy position…he assured me that they want me at this agency…I think he felt like I was threatening to leave…I can do both…or all three. I do think the first thing I would give up at this point would be the teaching. At least I think so.
Not much else happening.
I love you,
Peace,
Maggie
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Lots of thoughts!!
Lots of reactions here tonight. First of all, my dearest, we are all assholes sometimes - even you. Admit to your son that you are an ass, ask for forgiveness and let it go. I have had my asshole moments and I treasure each one. I pull them out to poke myself with whenever I don't feel bad enough about myself!
I'll tell you a secret...my youngest has commented on the Sunday news emails as being the news of S#5 and her family. I hear a bit of resentment in her comment. I know my kids are sorry they don't have a stronger connection with our parents, but I could never just leave them there. Dad was too unreliable. I could never predict when he would have enough and become a grumpy-mean-name caller. I had to be there to get them out. I feel guilty, I feel strong. Nothing is ever easy..
I have mentioned doing some work with Reevaluation Counseling. It is a process of being present with someone, no matter how emotional they get. Peers create a safe place for each person to release stored pain. One night I was at a women's group and we were talking about sexuality. I talked about being raped. I was very logical, calm, in control. But I was shaking. A peer smiled and told me it was okay, keep talking. I shook harder and asked, "What is this?" She smiled and told me I was releasing terror.
I think that today, on a safe table, in the hands of a trusted healer, you release terror that has been stored in your body for decades! Congratulations.
The other thing that really hit me is that your male is concrete.. And you are struggling so hard with keeping your balance while guiding two adolescent males into young manhood. I think this struggle is going to loosen your impenetrable male. I think they are helping you - more soul contract. So maybe, spiritually, you should thank them for sneaking out, for rushing into and avoiding and hiding from adulthood. You should be grateful for their anger and fear and defiance, for they are leading you out of your concrete. But don't thank them out loud!
I have been thinking about S#5 and her planning more and more events. I am trapped here at home, and I glory in it. I can't go anywhere. Sometimes it is great - I have an excuse to avoid anything, but sometimes it sucks because I miss events I wish I could attend. Basically this is not authentic way to live. I started thinking today - we can never get the family we wanted, but maybe by superficially hanging out we can create the beginning of a healing space. And maybe by healing some of the rift with our family of origin, and by healing some of the damage with the 'rents, we open way to create better relationships with our families - with our children and grandchildren. I think we are connected, and we do affect each other.
But when it's time to go, I drag my feet. Honestly, though, although we are not close and connected, it's never as bad as I had imagined...
I was talking to my oldest about this today, and I said something I didn't know I would say...I dread/love moments like this. I said I think I am in hermit mode now because there is something I need to write. Once I have done my duty, life will open and opportunities will occur, and life will change. Not sure how to make time right now, though.
Excuses, excuses, cowardly excuses...
Sweet dreams...Love from Clare
I'll tell you a secret...my youngest has commented on the Sunday news emails as being the news of S#5 and her family. I hear a bit of resentment in her comment. I know my kids are sorry they don't have a stronger connection with our parents, but I could never just leave them there. Dad was too unreliable. I could never predict when he would have enough and become a grumpy-mean-name caller. I had to be there to get them out. I feel guilty, I feel strong. Nothing is ever easy..
I have mentioned doing some work with Reevaluation Counseling. It is a process of being present with someone, no matter how emotional they get. Peers create a safe place for each person to release stored pain. One night I was at a women's group and we were talking about sexuality. I talked about being raped. I was very logical, calm, in control. But I was shaking. A peer smiled and told me it was okay, keep talking. I shook harder and asked, "What is this?" She smiled and told me I was releasing terror.
I think that today, on a safe table, in the hands of a trusted healer, you release terror that has been stored in your body for decades! Congratulations.
The other thing that really hit me is that your male is concrete.. And you are struggling so hard with keeping your balance while guiding two adolescent males into young manhood. I think this struggle is going to loosen your impenetrable male. I think they are helping you - more soul contract. So maybe, spiritually, you should thank them for sneaking out, for rushing into and avoiding and hiding from adulthood. You should be grateful for their anger and fear and defiance, for they are leading you out of your concrete. But don't thank them out loud!
I have been thinking about S#5 and her planning more and more events. I am trapped here at home, and I glory in it. I can't go anywhere. Sometimes it is great - I have an excuse to avoid anything, but sometimes it sucks because I miss events I wish I could attend. Basically this is not authentic way to live. I started thinking today - we can never get the family we wanted, but maybe by superficially hanging out we can create the beginning of a healing space. And maybe by healing some of the rift with our family of origin, and by healing some of the damage with the 'rents, we open way to create better relationships with our families - with our children and grandchildren. I think we are connected, and we do affect each other.
But when it's time to go, I drag my feet. Honestly, though, although we are not close and connected, it's never as bad as I had imagined...
I was talking to my oldest about this today, and I said something I didn't know I would say...I dread/love moments like this. I said I think I am in hermit mode now because there is something I need to write. Once I have done my duty, life will open and opportunities will occur, and life will change. Not sure how to make time right now, though.
Excuses, excuses, cowardly excuses...
Sweet dreams...Love from Clare
mind, body, spirit tug-of-war
Clare,
I had some insight today.
I had a session with my Reiki healer…
generally I am very relaxed…
almost asleep for these sessions.
Today I started to shiver…
all over body shiver…
as I approached the table.
It was akin to the anxious feeling that I've had, but multiplied.
As I lay there I couldn't stop the shivering…
she reassured me that it was Ok..
would not affect the work she was doing.
When she got to the pectoral area..
an area that holds trauma…
I stopped the shivering, but started to twitch or jerk certain muscles involuntarily…
first my biceps…
then my quadriceps…
then a facial muscle...
It was very interesting…
not painful…
but not comfortable.
I came to see all of this…
along with all of the distractions…
and junk food consumption…
as my body's way of avoiding the inevitable…
healing…
letting go of all of the negative and making room for positive.
Despite knowing that healing is good…
my body doesn't want to give up it's old ways…
try new things.
It all became clearer in my mind.
My brain is trying to control my body…
my body is saying, "I'm in charge"…
and all the while my inner self…
my soul is moving forward towards healing.
It's an outright tug-of-war going on inside of me.
No wonder I feel as if I am out of control.
The good that came out of this is that while my body was twitching and shivering…
distracting my mind…
she was able to clear a lot of of those trauma centers…
taking away much of the garbage that holds me back.
My soul put the tug-of-war to work in its favor.
So, she said that after a good sleep I will notice a difference…
I'm not sure what to expect…
but hopefully I won't feel so anxious.
What set all of this off was that 2 weeks ago she opened up those trauma centers for the first time.
She told me that the female side was "mucky"…our swamp…
but that the male side was like concrete…impenetrable.
I think that the opening was enough to create the anxiety that I've experienced recently.
It's funny I've been exploring the word sabotage over the past few days…
it was the best word to describe what I was doing…
and I think it is the correct word.
Now that I know I can live with it smarter.
There is something from a previous post that I wanted to address…I can't think of it right now…but I will come back to it…tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I had some insight today.
I had a session with my Reiki healer…
generally I am very relaxed…
almost asleep for these sessions.
Today I started to shiver…
all over body shiver…
as I approached the table.
It was akin to the anxious feeling that I've had, but multiplied.
As I lay there I couldn't stop the shivering…
she reassured me that it was Ok..
would not affect the work she was doing.
When she got to the pectoral area..
an area that holds trauma…
I stopped the shivering, but started to twitch or jerk certain muscles involuntarily…
first my biceps…
then my quadriceps…
then a facial muscle...
It was very interesting…
not painful…
but not comfortable.
I came to see all of this…
along with all of the distractions…
and junk food consumption…
as my body's way of avoiding the inevitable…
healing…
letting go of all of the negative and making room for positive.
Despite knowing that healing is good…
my body doesn't want to give up it's old ways…
try new things.
It all became clearer in my mind.
My brain is trying to control my body…
my body is saying, "I'm in charge"…
and all the while my inner self…
my soul is moving forward towards healing.
It's an outright tug-of-war going on inside of me.
No wonder I feel as if I am out of control.
The good that came out of this is that while my body was twitching and shivering…
distracting my mind…
she was able to clear a lot of of those trauma centers…
taking away much of the garbage that holds me back.
My soul put the tug-of-war to work in its favor.
So, she said that after a good sleep I will notice a difference…
I'm not sure what to expect…
but hopefully I won't feel so anxious.
What set all of this off was that 2 weeks ago she opened up those trauma centers for the first time.
She told me that the female side was "mucky"…our swamp…
but that the male side was like concrete…impenetrable.
I think that the opening was enough to create the anxiety that I've experienced recently.
It's funny I've been exploring the word sabotage over the past few days…
it was the best word to describe what I was doing…
and I think it is the correct word.
Now that I know I can live with it smarter.
There is something from a previous post that I wanted to address…I can't think of it right now…but I will come back to it…tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, January 13, 2014
Some days are better than others
I will hold your grandson in the light. Hopefully it will all come back negative.
I wrote a blog today on sexual assault…I surprised myself how angry I was when I wrote it. My state has a bill proposed that will set up PFA orders for sexual assault victims, much like domestic violence victims. This bill has been introduced 4 time prior to this, passed in the senate all 4 times but gets hung up beyond there, either at the House or Governor's chair. So I started writhing about sexual violence and I felt passionate about this subject. The article isn't anything earth-shattering, just asking people to contact their representatives to ask them to support this bill, but I was feeling it. I did take the opportunity to share the video from Men Let's Talk on rape and also Project Unbreakable's website through the blog.
My class starts tomorrow. I don't teach on the first day. I try to engage them, telling them a little about me, and getting to know them. I am really looking forward to meeting them. There are only 11 in the class…that's a great class size. I might actually know their names within the first month…not one of my strengths. I am looking forward to getting back into a full schedule again.
So, this morning, I called my son a name…
He was being obstinate…
made all of us late…
which he does regularly…
and then he broke a broom against the sidewalk when I told him to assume the consequences for his actions and take the detention for tardiness…
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
But, on the ride to school I spoke to him about responsibility and personal consequences. His lateness earns his brother detention too. I told him that I'd rather have him learn the lesson now with detention than at a job when he would be fired…and create an unreliable record.
He came home after school and said this was one of the worst days at school, because of the way it started…
he apologized…
hopefully he will learn at least a little bit from today.
I apologized for calling him a name…
he said it was all right…
but I still wonder if he'll ever forget his mom calling him an asshole…
some days I'm a better mom than others.
I took the dog to the vet, they are running blood work and treating her as if she has gastritis. She hasn't vomited again- which is good- but she smells terrible. I still have all of the animal food above her head level and am giving her rice and broth. She's sluggish, but will go outside…she even chased a crow off the driveway…crows are her nemesis…she watches for them through the day and barks if they land on the driveway. I hope her labs come back OK tomorrow. If not we will do X-rays, and further tests.
I hope that your back is less painful. I am surprised that my fall on the ice hasn't left me more painful. I am thankful.
Husband is on the way to the mid-west with his brother for a funeral. The boys have midterms tomorrow so they are studying and heading to bed…and I will also head to bed very soon.
I just read your note…I responded to S#5's email about the anniversary…
I suggested we all contribute to a cruise or something for our parents since it is their anniversary to celebrate.
I, too had the same reaction, and was embarrassed by it…"what do you mean another gathering?"
I wonder if she is trying to create the family of her dreams or to make things as good as possible before they die?
The problem that I see is that, when we get together there is no real sharing…we occupy space for a time period and then go our separate ways…what a waste of time and energy.
I also think she likes to be the hub of activity…
and attention…
I will reluctantly admit to a sense of jealousy whenever mom writes about how wonderful S#5 and her family are….
not sure if it is jealousy…
or envy…
or what.
I am reluctant to say what my negative reactions are…
because then you would see how small and petty I really am…
it's amazing how this pushes a button for me!
Love and Light,
Maggie
I wrote a blog today on sexual assault…I surprised myself how angry I was when I wrote it. My state has a bill proposed that will set up PFA orders for sexual assault victims, much like domestic violence victims. This bill has been introduced 4 time prior to this, passed in the senate all 4 times but gets hung up beyond there, either at the House or Governor's chair. So I started writhing about sexual violence and I felt passionate about this subject. The article isn't anything earth-shattering, just asking people to contact their representatives to ask them to support this bill, but I was feeling it. I did take the opportunity to share the video from Men Let's Talk on rape and also Project Unbreakable's website through the blog.
My class starts tomorrow. I don't teach on the first day. I try to engage them, telling them a little about me, and getting to know them. I am really looking forward to meeting them. There are only 11 in the class…that's a great class size. I might actually know their names within the first month…not one of my strengths. I am looking forward to getting back into a full schedule again.
So, this morning, I called my son a name…
He was being obstinate…
made all of us late…
which he does regularly…
and then he broke a broom against the sidewalk when I told him to assume the consequences for his actions and take the detention for tardiness…
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
But, on the ride to school I spoke to him about responsibility and personal consequences. His lateness earns his brother detention too. I told him that I'd rather have him learn the lesson now with detention than at a job when he would be fired…and create an unreliable record.
He came home after school and said this was one of the worst days at school, because of the way it started…
he apologized…
hopefully he will learn at least a little bit from today.
I apologized for calling him a name…
he said it was all right…
but I still wonder if he'll ever forget his mom calling him an asshole…
some days I'm a better mom than others.
I took the dog to the vet, they are running blood work and treating her as if she has gastritis. She hasn't vomited again- which is good- but she smells terrible. I still have all of the animal food above her head level and am giving her rice and broth. She's sluggish, but will go outside…she even chased a crow off the driveway…crows are her nemesis…she watches for them through the day and barks if they land on the driveway. I hope her labs come back OK tomorrow. If not we will do X-rays, and further tests.
I hope that your back is less painful. I am surprised that my fall on the ice hasn't left me more painful. I am thankful.
Husband is on the way to the mid-west with his brother for a funeral. The boys have midterms tomorrow so they are studying and heading to bed…and I will also head to bed very soon.
I just read your note…I responded to S#5's email about the anniversary…
I suggested we all contribute to a cruise or something for our parents since it is their anniversary to celebrate.
I, too had the same reaction, and was embarrassed by it…"what do you mean another gathering?"
I wonder if she is trying to create the family of her dreams or to make things as good as possible before they die?
The problem that I see is that, when we get together there is no real sharing…we occupy space for a time period and then go our separate ways…what a waste of time and energy.
I also think she likes to be the hub of activity…
and attention…
I will reluctantly admit to a sense of jealousy whenever mom writes about how wonderful S#5 and her family are….
not sure if it is jealousy…
or envy…
or what.
I am reluctant to say what my negative reactions are…
because then you would see how small and petty I really am…
it's amazing how this pushes a button for me!
Love and Light,
Maggie
Quick, glamorous check-in
Hey Little Sister-
I find I am not inspired without you. I have a lot of respect for people who blog alone, and consistently have something to say.
I am still aware of my back and I'm moving like an old man. We walked for about half of a mile today, and afterwards I felt great and moved easily. But time in my chair froze it all back into pain. After one night on the heating pad, the sharp pain was gone. A second night should help. I hope.
I saved a piece, someone else's blog to inspire me on a night like tonight.
http://jamiecatto.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/using-todays-problem-properly/
I am entranced by the idea of a seductive problem. I know it has to do with addiction and numbing, but seductive puts a whole new level of glamour on the drama. It makes it cooler to escape into drama. I know it's all about escape from feeling, of losing that level of awareness where things hurt, or are at least uncomfortable.
Did you get the note from S#5? She's organizing an anniversary party for Mom and Dad in October. I had a terrible reaction - "another get-together?" Then I thought about the fact that she may be trying to create the family of her dreams. Is it too late? Is it ever too late? I fear it will all be for show...but is show better than nothing? Already, this much time in advance, I am thinking that I won't be able to make it. It doesn't matter what time of the year it is, I simply can't afford to miss time at work...This is my reality.
I am hoping you and yours are all okay - happy, healthy, settled, and that the new things that are moving into your schedule are invigorating...
Sending love and kisses!!
Clare
I find I am not inspired without you. I have a lot of respect for people who blog alone, and consistently have something to say.
I am still aware of my back and I'm moving like an old man. We walked for about half of a mile today, and afterwards I felt great and moved easily. But time in my chair froze it all back into pain. After one night on the heating pad, the sharp pain was gone. A second night should help. I hope.
I saved a piece, someone else's blog to inspire me on a night like tonight.
http://jamiecatto.wordpress.com/2014/01/06/using-todays-problem-properly/
I am entranced by the idea of a seductive problem. I know it has to do with addiction and numbing, but seductive puts a whole new level of glamour on the drama. It makes it cooler to escape into drama. I know it's all about escape from feeling, of losing that level of awareness where things hurt, or are at least uncomfortable.
Did you get the note from S#5? She's organizing an anniversary party for Mom and Dad in October. I had a terrible reaction - "another get-together?" Then I thought about the fact that she may be trying to create the family of her dreams. Is it too late? Is it ever too late? I fear it will all be for show...but is show better than nothing? Already, this much time in advance, I am thinking that I won't be able to make it. It doesn't matter what time of the year it is, I simply can't afford to miss time at work...This is my reality.
I am hoping you and yours are all okay - happy, healthy, settled, and that the new things that are moving into your schedule are invigorating...
Sending love and kisses!!
Clare
Sunday, January 12, 2014
Just a note
I had the baby today. I carried her a lot, so my back was tired. It was warm in the house. I went to take the chihuahua out, bent down quickly in the cold air out back and pulled my back. I am walking like an old man. I haven't done anything to my back for about 15 years. Aughhh...my contribution to what's going 'round.
We actually have another situation that is on my mind every minute. My grandson has had a nevus for a few years. It started to grow a little, and the family just started with a new family doc, and so they decided to remove it. It was deeper than expected, and the cells are atypical. So they had a plastic surgeon excise the edges, which were sent in for biopsy. The biopsy came back and my daughter-in-law's surgeon father asked for more information...so we are still waiting. And feeling nervous. So add one more to that family list...
I hope your dog is okay.
And don't forget the interdependence within!!
Gotta get to bed...my back says it is time...
Love and hugs and lots of songs!!
Clare
(Sometimes I wish life was a musical, and we could stop and sing and dance at big moments. Sometimes I do it...)
We actually have another situation that is on my mind every minute. My grandson has had a nevus for a few years. It started to grow a little, and the family just started with a new family doc, and so they decided to remove it. It was deeper than expected, and the cells are atypical. So they had a plastic surgeon excise the edges, which were sent in for biopsy. The biopsy came back and my daughter-in-law's surgeon father asked for more information...so we are still waiting. And feeling nervous. So add one more to that family list...
I hope your dog is okay.
And don't forget the interdependence within!!
Gotta get to bed...my back says it is time...
Love and hugs and lots of songs!!
Clare
(Sometimes I wish life was a musical, and we could stop and sing and dance at big moments. Sometimes I do it...)
We are all related
I love the fact that your grand-daughter is trying to put her fist in her mouth…You go girl! I still do it occasionally…much to husband's dismay…and my kids' delight. It's a gift…what can I say?
Balance is very important…
what people don't comprehend is how incredibly inter-related and interdependent we are…
one human with another…
one species with another…
even chemically we are interdependent.
People think they can take and take and take and never pay back…
or even pay forward…
what a concept…
doing something that will never benefit you, but those who come after you.
One of the lessons I like to teach, each semester, is interdependence. Scientist, and nonscientists, need to, not only know this, but make it a part of their daily considerations. We are killing ourselves…and yet we are so afraid of change that we continue on the same path…despite hearing how dire the consequences are.
My dog is sick…
the one with the seizure disorder…
she has been vomiting intermittently since Tuesday…
she vomited blood tinged material on Wednesday…
I took her off food and gave her rice with chicken broth for 2 days and she seemed better. Yesterday I gave her kibbles again and I was jarred awake by her vomiting blood this morning. It was a moderate amount…several ounces.
I spoke with a Friend this morning at Meeting, she's a vet…
she told me to have her checked early this week…
it could be a foreign body or a tumor…
she smells like a GI bleed…it takes me back to my hospital days…a very distinct odor…
and she is just laying on the floor…
moving slowly to follow me around the house. I am afraid for her.
This has been a week of health issues in friends and family.
A friend from husband's middle school days collapsed at a gym…luckily he was resuscitated with a defibrillating machine. A friend had a lumpectomy. Husband's uncle fell, broke a hip and passed away late in the week. I am concerned for our cousin, uncle and brother with tumors at various stages of treatment. I just feel as if it is a bad time for many.
I count my blessings…but realize all of this is very close to home…and can visit here at any time.
Things just feel off. I am really glad that everything begins this week. I feel as if I need to be actively engaged…
but then I worry that I am falling into my distraction mode.
I have fought the urge to bury myself in research, studying and writing this weekend…
just trying to stay present to life.
This whole distraction thing is a recurrent issue for me…
it is an addiction of sorts…
when the going gets tough Maggie dives into the computer or a book to escape…
it's better than drugs…
and I get paid for some of it…
but it still is my way of escaping tough emotions.
It's really interesting to step back and analyze myself…
and my actions.
I did follow a leading this week.
I have not been singing for a long time…
I started to sing Christmas carols last month…
and recently I had a strong sense of offering a song-filled workshop at our Quarter's annual retreat.
I sent in my proposal…
Singing the Psalms…
this week and it was accepted.
So now I have opened music up in my life again. This will motivate me to practice and rehearse. I think it's a good thing. I have ignored this leading several times before…
so now I accept it…
we will see where it takes me.
I do wonder about the archetypes of each of our siblings. Some I would better classify as wounded children, some orphans. Those who still maintain their victims status, trying to garner sympathy. In the past I have wondered how I could have made the contracts that I did…sure, I'll be born into an abusive, dysfunctional family…suffer in silence and isolation for the first half of my life…all the while pretending to be happy and successful...and finally, at 50, understand that there is so much more to life than being a survivor. Who agrees to this kind of scenario? Obviously I/we did. And on the flip side…our parents agreeing to have 9 kids who they cannot afford or handle, knowing they were going to neglect and abuse them…all to teach them higher lessons. I hope that, at the end of my life, I don't look back and feel saddened by my making someone's life miserable…even if it taught them something. I guess when I am at that point of retrospection I will have greater understanding of cause and effect of each action or omission. I have a friend, a priest, who says, "when I die I just want people to remember that I was kind." I like that.
I am glad that you are finding interesting things in those discs.
I hope that you have a quiet night and a good Monday.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Balance is very important…
what people don't comprehend is how incredibly inter-related and interdependent we are…
one human with another…
one species with another…
even chemically we are interdependent.
People think they can take and take and take and never pay back…
or even pay forward…
what a concept…
doing something that will never benefit you, but those who come after you.
One of the lessons I like to teach, each semester, is interdependence. Scientist, and nonscientists, need to, not only know this, but make it a part of their daily considerations. We are killing ourselves…and yet we are so afraid of change that we continue on the same path…despite hearing how dire the consequences are.
My dog is sick…
the one with the seizure disorder…
she has been vomiting intermittently since Tuesday…
she vomited blood tinged material on Wednesday…
I took her off food and gave her rice with chicken broth for 2 days and she seemed better. Yesterday I gave her kibbles again and I was jarred awake by her vomiting blood this morning. It was a moderate amount…several ounces.
I spoke with a Friend this morning at Meeting, she's a vet…
she told me to have her checked early this week…
it could be a foreign body or a tumor…
she smells like a GI bleed…it takes me back to my hospital days…a very distinct odor…
and she is just laying on the floor…
moving slowly to follow me around the house. I am afraid for her.
This has been a week of health issues in friends and family.
A friend from husband's middle school days collapsed at a gym…luckily he was resuscitated with a defibrillating machine. A friend had a lumpectomy. Husband's uncle fell, broke a hip and passed away late in the week. I am concerned for our cousin, uncle and brother with tumors at various stages of treatment. I just feel as if it is a bad time for many.
I count my blessings…but realize all of this is very close to home…and can visit here at any time.
Things just feel off. I am really glad that everything begins this week. I feel as if I need to be actively engaged…
but then I worry that I am falling into my distraction mode.
I have fought the urge to bury myself in research, studying and writing this weekend…
just trying to stay present to life.
This whole distraction thing is a recurrent issue for me…
it is an addiction of sorts…
when the going gets tough Maggie dives into the computer or a book to escape…
it's better than drugs…
and I get paid for some of it…
but it still is my way of escaping tough emotions.
It's really interesting to step back and analyze myself…
and my actions.
I did follow a leading this week.
I have not been singing for a long time…
I started to sing Christmas carols last month…
and recently I had a strong sense of offering a song-filled workshop at our Quarter's annual retreat.
I sent in my proposal…
Singing the Psalms…
this week and it was accepted.
So now I have opened music up in my life again. This will motivate me to practice and rehearse. I think it's a good thing. I have ignored this leading several times before…
so now I accept it…
we will see where it takes me.
I do wonder about the archetypes of each of our siblings. Some I would better classify as wounded children, some orphans. Those who still maintain their victims status, trying to garner sympathy. In the past I have wondered how I could have made the contracts that I did…sure, I'll be born into an abusive, dysfunctional family…suffer in silence and isolation for the first half of my life…all the while pretending to be happy and successful...and finally, at 50, understand that there is so much more to life than being a survivor. Who agrees to this kind of scenario? Obviously I/we did. And on the flip side…our parents agreeing to have 9 kids who they cannot afford or handle, knowing they were going to neglect and abuse them…all to teach them higher lessons. I hope that, at the end of my life, I don't look back and feel saddened by my making someone's life miserable…even if it taught them something. I guess when I am at that point of retrospection I will have greater understanding of cause and effect of each action or omission. I have a friend, a priest, who says, "when I die I just want people to remember that I was kind." I like that.
I am glad that you are finding interesting things in those discs.
I hope that you have a quiet night and a good Monday.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, January 11, 2014
balancing
Hi Maggie,
My granddaughter tried to put her whole fist in her mouth at dinner tonight - trying to be just like you! We laughed, and we spoke fondly of you and other talented family members.
You are stuffing, I am eating wheat. It hurts in the middle of the night, yet I do it...Something is up.
I have been listening to the Carolyn Myss workshop CDs you sent. I was thinking about the orphan archetype, and how we agree to reject each other before we even get here. I was wondering if we were all orphans, or at least the oldest seven of us. We have all left the family religion. Of the nine of us, I think only S#4 is nominally Catholic. The rest of us absolutely left. (Someone referred to it as a fallen away Catholic. I had to correct that. I didn't fall. I walked.) I was left wondering if anyone felt connected to anyone else in the family.
I have been reading a book about herbal protocol for treating Lyme disease. I am overwhelmed with the number of microbes that coexist in the human body. From what I've read, spirochetes - the microbes that cause Lymes - take over the immune system of the body. I have been thinking about balance. Have you ever seen the film Koyaanisqatsi? It means life out of balance. It is a film based on Hopi prophecy, about what our species is doing to the planet. I have been thinking that our bodies are as intricate as the Earth. On Earth scale, we are simply one of the species - although it is not simple. We are the species causing the imbalance. I saw something once that said that humans are the only species, where if we disappeared, the Earth would be better, healthier.
Perhaps balance is part of authenticity.
I know someone who has such a severe Candida infection that it almost killed her. She spent time telling me the whole story. I tried to present some ideas, thoughts, to her and she immediately adopted a very smug look, "Another asshole trying to tell me what to do." In wiping out the Candida, though, she has destroyed the balance.
We need to cooperate, to be in balance. We need to stop waging war, using war vocabulary when talking about health.
I am tired. Grandkids here, so it has been a longish day, although it nourishes my soul to have them. I miss my west coast grandkids so much...
Miss you too,
Clare
My granddaughter tried to put her whole fist in her mouth at dinner tonight - trying to be just like you! We laughed, and we spoke fondly of you and other talented family members.
You are stuffing, I am eating wheat. It hurts in the middle of the night, yet I do it...Something is up.
I have been listening to the Carolyn Myss workshop CDs you sent. I was thinking about the orphan archetype, and how we agree to reject each other before we even get here. I was wondering if we were all orphans, or at least the oldest seven of us. We have all left the family religion. Of the nine of us, I think only S#4 is nominally Catholic. The rest of us absolutely left. (Someone referred to it as a fallen away Catholic. I had to correct that. I didn't fall. I walked.) I was left wondering if anyone felt connected to anyone else in the family.
I have been reading a book about herbal protocol for treating Lyme disease. I am overwhelmed with the number of microbes that coexist in the human body. From what I've read, spirochetes - the microbes that cause Lymes - take over the immune system of the body. I have been thinking about balance. Have you ever seen the film Koyaanisqatsi? It means life out of balance. It is a film based on Hopi prophecy, about what our species is doing to the planet. I have been thinking that our bodies are as intricate as the Earth. On Earth scale, we are simply one of the species - although it is not simple. We are the species causing the imbalance. I saw something once that said that humans are the only species, where if we disappeared, the Earth would be better, healthier.
Perhaps balance is part of authenticity.
I know someone who has such a severe Candida infection that it almost killed her. She spent time telling me the whole story. I tried to present some ideas, thoughts, to her and she immediately adopted a very smug look, "Another asshole trying to tell me what to do." In wiping out the Candida, though, she has destroyed the balance.
We need to cooperate, to be in balance. We need to stop waging war, using war vocabulary when talking about health.
I am tired. Grandkids here, so it has been a longish day, although it nourishes my soul to have them. I miss my west coast grandkids so much...
Miss you too,
Clare
Everything's retrograde
Clare,
I am definitely stuffing something, I ate at least twice yesterday without feeling hungry. And then I wondered why I felt so sluggish and nasty.
The weather does stink…cold and icy earlier in the week…now it's 50 and pouring rain…even some thunder occasionally…nothing to do but sit around and think.
I just watched a video, Do The Math…by 350.org…it was a good video asking us to divest any money we have invested in fossil fuels…many universities are already divesting…maybe churches and individuals should consider this as well.
I sent an email offering to show it to the environment/bio club at the university…maybe we can lobby PSU to divest…that would be great.
Things are relatively calm right now…the boys are getting along…and no more outbursts…for now. That makes me happy…but I maintain the vigilance…not pathological vigilance…just being aware of possible issues…and clues.
Next week I begin a new semester, and start to see clients at the counseling center…I am excited to begin again…I hate the waiting…things are ready…let's just get this party started!
I think I will be less anxious once I get into everything as well…waiting is tough.
My friend did very well with her lumpectomy…now she has to wait to hear if she needs additional chemo or radiation…probably will, but not definite.
I keep telling myself that my sense of unfinished business or anxiety are because of the weather, or the planets... I was told that venus is in retrograde and we're moving into a period of mercury in retrograde… whatever it is I am feeling it.
I fell on the ice yesterday…shoveling snow that was covering ice...bouncing off my buttock and banging the back of my head…I laid there for a short second and wondered if anything was broken…took a scan of my body…everything seemed intact so I got up and continued to shovel…I am a little sore this morning…but not nearly as bad as I had expected.
I think that everything's in retrograde.
Not much else happening here.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am definitely stuffing something, I ate at least twice yesterday without feeling hungry. And then I wondered why I felt so sluggish and nasty.
The weather does stink…cold and icy earlier in the week…now it's 50 and pouring rain…even some thunder occasionally…nothing to do but sit around and think.
I just watched a video, Do The Math…by 350.org…it was a good video asking us to divest any money we have invested in fossil fuels…many universities are already divesting…maybe churches and individuals should consider this as well.
I sent an email offering to show it to the environment/bio club at the university…maybe we can lobby PSU to divest…that would be great.
Things are relatively calm right now…the boys are getting along…and no more outbursts…for now. That makes me happy…but I maintain the vigilance…not pathological vigilance…just being aware of possible issues…and clues.
Next week I begin a new semester, and start to see clients at the counseling center…I am excited to begin again…I hate the waiting…things are ready…let's just get this party started!
I think I will be less anxious once I get into everything as well…waiting is tough.
My friend did very well with her lumpectomy…now she has to wait to hear if she needs additional chemo or radiation…probably will, but not definite.
I keep telling myself that my sense of unfinished business or anxiety are because of the weather, or the planets... I was told that venus is in retrograde and we're moving into a period of mercury in retrograde… whatever it is I am feeling it.
I fell on the ice yesterday…shoveling snow that was covering ice...bouncing off my buttock and banging the back of my head…I laid there for a short second and wondered if anything was broken…took a scan of my body…everything seemed intact so I got up and continued to shovel…I am a little sore this morning…but not nearly as bad as I had expected.
I think that everything's in retrograde.
Not much else happening here.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Trust it
Don't rule out this crazy weather. The temperature has been hitting extremes both high and low. The air pressure changes, and we feel it with our bodies. I think part of being authentic is remembering we are part of the Earth. We are just another species who lives here in tandem with all the others. We are just mammals, and a basic part of us is instinctual and aware. And another event to consider is the solar flare that just erupted. We may have northern lights tonight. I have seen them a few times, and it is always magical. I think something in us senses that also. (I went outside to check conditions. It is crisp and cold and clear...except on the northern horizon which is shrouded in clouds.)
The baby has been off too. She is touchy and wants to be held all of the time, very aware of where her mama is. She has just gotten two new teeth, but this seems more.
But pay attention. Trust your intuition. Don't numb. (Easier said than done, and - why take advice from someone who doesn't listen to herself???) I understand the call of the ice cream. I completely understand. My strength is in not buying it, because once it is in the house, I am in its grips!!
I'm still thinking about the pain of being ignored. Thinking about the damage that occurs if we have been ignored. It seems to fit in with the other types of abuse that lead to physiological changes. I wonder if it can change back - be healed. I recently read an article that said regular meditation can lead to healing of the DNA.
It's late, for me, and I need to finish up my day. The last thing I want to do is find a dream dictionary and see what driving as new car means. I was driving a baby blue little hatchback almost singing - I'm driving! Later I was walking with and talking to S#3.
Love and more,
Clare
The baby has been off too. She is touchy and wants to be held all of the time, very aware of where her mama is. She has just gotten two new teeth, but this seems more.
But pay attention. Trust your intuition. Don't numb. (Easier said than done, and - why take advice from someone who doesn't listen to herself???) I understand the call of the ice cream. I completely understand. My strength is in not buying it, because once it is in the house, I am in its grips!!
I'm still thinking about the pain of being ignored. Thinking about the damage that occurs if we have been ignored. It seems to fit in with the other types of abuse that lead to physiological changes. I wonder if it can change back - be healed. I recently read an article that said regular meditation can lead to healing of the DNA.
It's late, for me, and I need to finish up my day. The last thing I want to do is find a dream dictionary and see what driving as new car means. I was driving a baby blue little hatchback almost singing - I'm driving! Later I was walking with and talking to S#3.
Love and more,
Clare
Anxious energy
Clare,
I do believe that connecting with someone makes us more comfortable. When we are left isolated we hurt…emotionally and physically…and then we numb…some take analgesics…some opiates…some alcohol…some have sex with strangers…or eat until they are sick…and the list goes on and on.
I have been stress eating today…ice cream. I shouldn't buy it…but it's here and I just started dipping in. I woke up this morning feeling anxious…but not sure what I am anxious about…I can deal with nervous energy if I know what I am anticipating…this is just a feeling. Classes start next week, I have my first clients next week, both girls are gone next week…maybe all of the above.
I spent my day buried in research about historical social work for an assignment that I have for February's newsletter….classic stress responses from me.
Shit, it's almost 6pm…I really have buried myself today.
I am going to sit and try to find the source of this anxious energy…to sit with the discomfort.
Have a great night…
Light and Love,
Maggie
I do believe that connecting with someone makes us more comfortable. When we are left isolated we hurt…emotionally and physically…and then we numb…some take analgesics…some opiates…some alcohol…some have sex with strangers…or eat until they are sick…and the list goes on and on.
I have been stress eating today…ice cream. I shouldn't buy it…but it's here and I just started dipping in. I woke up this morning feeling anxious…but not sure what I am anxious about…I can deal with nervous energy if I know what I am anticipating…this is just a feeling. Classes start next week, I have my first clients next week, both girls are gone next week…maybe all of the above.
I spent my day buried in research about historical social work for an assignment that I have for February's newsletter….classic stress responses from me.
Shit, it's almost 6pm…I really have buried myself today.
I am going to sit and try to find the source of this anxious energy…to sit with the discomfort.
Have a great night…
Light and Love,
Maggie
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