Oh, we'll backslide over and over. And on a good day, we'll recognize that it's happening. I think sometimes we backslide, and don't even know it. It's so comfortable in the rut. It's just normal, the way life is - you know? It's so hard to first, climb out of the rut, and then - try to figure out which path to take.
But we recognize the rut, and the swamp it is part of. This is progress. Especially since we are not afraid to call the swamp a swamp.
I think about my little frozen baby self. She is dancing, but she is outside. I think she is that nature sprite part of myself. She does not want to be inside!
I like the word tender. I think of maternal care and compassion, and of having mom know what I need and take care of me. I feel like a scratched record, repeating myself over and over, but when we learn young that we are not worth this care and tenderness, it colors the way we see the rest of the world for the rest of our lives. It is hard to accept tenderness because if we accept and thereby accept that we are worthy then our whole life crumbles.
Granted, we are trying to crumble everything. And something I read about shamanism said the process includes death of self, crumbling of reality, then a reforming of a new self. You know, this is probably what we are doing, and I think I just described a resurrection of sorts.
But what if I dissolve and nobody notices...okay, typing that brought tears. This is obviously a core truth for me. I guess I still wonder if I am real and worth even noticing...
God, we have so much work to do!
I fear I am rambling. I had grandchildren here over night. I love having them so much, but it can be just a little tiring!
I hope you are having a nice weekend...Love you,
Clare
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