The dissolving looked like my body turning to sand and blowing away in the wind. And I suppose if I trust the process, and let my spirit stand firm, I would reform...or transform. I would still exist. I guess instead of vulnerability, I was considering invisibility. But considering what would be left, if I dissolved and just wasn't here for a brief time...what would be left. It seems I would be both vulnerable and powerful. I will have to consider this for awhile. I have two separate trains of thought tracking through my brain.
Do your hips still ache? Sounds like residual pain from the abuse to me. What hit me though, was you had to take it all the way to dying of an incurable bone ailment. I used to do the same thing. I knew that none of my problems merited attention...but if I were dying of cancer - that would show you all how much you would miss me if I was gone. Maybe. Writing that took me back one year to B#2's suicide attempt. Was he trying to die, or screaming to see if we knew he was alive?
You chilled me with:
Maybe that's why the abuse went on for all of those years...
perhaps any attention was better than being invisible.
I have heard similar lines from many women in abusive relationships. How do we learn this pattern? What makes it okay?
Think about this:
http://www.thenation.com/article/173463/war-against-women-home-and-abroad
We can talk about that later, though, because I had another of my dream-like experiences last night. I couldn't sleep and a quote came into my mind:
You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
-C. S. Lewis
I started thinking about being cold. I have always had cold feet. I was considering again not being in my body. But this time it felt different, because instead of the body, I was the soul, trying on the body - kind of like shopping for new clothes (which I hate to do.)
I started thinking about the body - mind - spirit trinity and it's effect on health. I had the image that abuse, and damage to the body creates blocks to the soul. Those scarred places don't allow spirit access. If spirit/soul doesn't inhabit our body, than there can not be health in those areas. I started considering rape, sexual abuse, paddling, spanking and thinking about creating deep scars right in the middle of our being. The spirit can inhabit our lower self or our higher self, but the two are blocked. Explains a lt of the problems in our society to me...
Then, as I was thinking, I "heard" a noise in the basement. In the dream state I went down the stairs and found myself and a dog in a box. This is a dog I have been watching on a rescue site. I feel like I know this dog. And this is a dog that has suffered severe neglect at the hands of a hoarder. (Does his story echo ours?)
I started back up the stairs, and I am not sure where the dog was...but at the top of the stairs was a spider. She was as big as I am, zoologically correct, and very, very hairy. My first thought was a bit panicked, but another part of me, thought, "How appropriate for a spinner." In waking life, I like spiders. The spider spoke to me and asked me to trust. I did. I came up the stairs and we were face to face. She asked me to turn around, so my back was to her. I did so, and was facing down the stairs. Very symbolic! She then slashed me across my calves, across my thighs, perhaps across my buttocks, and once again across my shoulders. It happened quickly and did not hurt. But I think she was making way for my spirit/soul to access the lower parts of my body. Or maybe I was releasing trauma from these part of myself.
Today I feel weepy and sad.
Thanks you for paying attention to me and my crazy thoughts!
Love to you...so much love!
Clare
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