Oh my God, you are about to graduate. It doesn't seem like it's time yet! I was thinking about your latest degree, and it came to me that these are tools. You can change the world with these tools. This is very exciting!
I remember another vacation that was delayed because S#3 broke her front teeth. She is still in pain because of that. And I remember once B#2 was in the hospital, but everyone went on vacation anyway and just left him there. I had to work, so I didn't go. Mom asked me to visit him at least once or twice. It's a wonder we can function at all! I still get angry when I remember them taking the little girls to the cabin and leaving you and S#3, as young teens, at the mercy of the older teen boys. No wonder I was such an overprotective pain in the backside with my kids. Overcompensating! Too bad it doesn't leak through and change the family...
I am glad that you recognize the pain in the hips as connected to sexual abuse. While I was reading your paragraph, I realized that I clench my jaws. I wondered why. Probably to keep from screaming!
I was also thinking about the power of invisibility. And I was thinking about the way spiders hide, and wait and watch. Maybe that is why I associate with them. Being vulnerable means being seen. I think about the Catholic modesty that was pounded into us right from those earliest days when we learned that girls are bad. We were supposed to keep our bodies covered, so as not to tempt men - because if we did whatever happened next was our fault. We were taught to keep our minds/our intelligence covered, because that was the strength and talent of the boys. We were taught to keep our opinions to ourselves. It seems that invisibility is the female way to avoid vulnerability. Thinking about boys, they had the other side - they had to be tough, cool, never let the veneer slip. They always had to have the answer, always had to be ready to defend. It destroyed them, but maybe created a sense of entitlement.
I think I also use my silence and invisibility to gauge what is happening, to decide if I am in a safe place, and maybe to be a chameleon. I even do it among Friends...
Not sure where I am going with this...it's just sort of emerging.
One more thought - I was forced to be invisible, but now I pull invisibility on. I purposely disappear. Sometimes I think I am the Cheshire Cat...
Did you have a chance to read the article I included in my last post? One strong point stays with me. We use euphemisms to whitewash problems. Maybe that's why your colleagues (or potential colleagues) can't agree on the commonality of their work. But I think we should stop saying domestic violence and start calling it wife torture, or child torture, or husband torture. Let's use the jarring, emotional, messy words. Let's stop distancing ourselves.
Just found out that a dear friend's cancer has returned after a 3 year remission. I am shaky and scared and sad. Maybe that's why I am rambling today.
I love you!!
Clare
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