good memories

I understand what you are saying about the exploration of another. When I was in my college days, before I remembered any of this abuse, I still thought that I was a virgin. I had a wonderful, 4+ years relationship with a man who respected the fact that I wanted to remain a virgin. We knew each other well.

We knew each other...we talked of dreams and imagined together...we planned for the future...
we knew each other physically because we explored, slowly...without the threat of crossing that line...without the threat of exploiting the other...it was mutual...and not anything about immediate gratification...and it was fun. I refer to it as "creative outercourse"...is that too graphic???
Maybe I've crossed the line writing that down.

We broke up and moved on...but he will always be my first love...
because he respected me, treated me as an equal, and didn't push.
we had the opportunity to talk a few years ago...the nice thing is that after 25 years there was no shame...no regrets for what we did...it was very positive.

I just flashed back to B#1's high school girlfriend...telling me that I was going to be the world's oldest virgin when I was 16...the competition to pull each other down is insidious...especially between women...I remember writing and sharing that with you when you were at college. I remember how nice it was to have someone to share that with.

Chickens are a disturbing animal...I remember reading about de-beakers...removing their beaks so they wouldn't peck each other and cause serious bodily harm...but I believe that only happens in captivity...when we've disrespected their natural instincts...exploit them for their ability to create 'products' for us...and then kill them when they are no longer valuable or cost-effective.

What a world...to discard things when they are no longer 'cost-effective'...I stopped practicing medicine after I had my third child...I was told that I wasn't 'cost-effective' unless I practiced full time...and I was unwilling to work more than 16 hours a week...years of training and honing my skills and talents...and I was no longer 'cost-effective'.
Don't be too upset by that last part...it was a blessing in disguise...it opened the door to 13 years as a stay home mom...years that I will cherish...even though they were the most demanding of my life.

I am glad that you danced and sang...despite not feeling well. I hope that you continue it as you move forward.

I spent yesterday beginning the writing for my research...I took all day to write 5 pages...I am trying to write very deliberately  and logically. I have a stack of journal articles to back up my ideas and read and re-read many of them. I think I have put together some simple ideas that explain a lot...I hope that others can see that as well.

I love you. Get some rest and drink lots of tea.
I hope that you feel better...
Maggie