"I'm melting"

So what if I dissolve and no one notices????

What do we expect dissolving would look like?
Is it letting go of all of the intellectual crap that I wrap around myself so that no one can actually see me?
Is it taking off the facade so that people can see my imperfections?
Is it actually speaking my truths so that people can know my heart?

Those are powerful images and I can only imagine the power that they would have to cause change in my life.

They are scary as hell...Like the wicked witch after water is splashed onto her..."I'm melting"
I will admit that the thought of being transparent, vulnerable, and/or open scares the hell out of me.
I am trying to work my way to this every day.
I am so damned stunted that I am still at the level of consciously identifying any inkling of emotion that I might feel. I was getting pretty good at noticing and identifying emotions and then I got busy and forgot to be mindful of them. I will start again.

I do have to say that the other day when I was brought to tears I didn't stifle the hurt...I actually teared up for the rest of the day on and off. It was uncomfortable, but I stayed with it as best I could.

Anyway, what if you/I dissolve ...I don't think it really matters if people fail to notice the changes...at least the superficial crap that I am rambling about. Even if all of that dissolves the true essence of you and I will still BE. That part of us that is universal and eternal will continue to exist. The other thing that I believe is that without all of the "fluff" we will be more able to impact those around us in a purer and more effective way.

Isn't this the heart of vulnerability? Hasn't this been a goal?
But, it still hurts to imagine no one noticing.
It takes us back to the days when we were small and we had to be 'good soldiers'...
to be seen but not heard...
God forbid I ever cry or need something.
I am remembering laying in bed in F-burg, with that intense aching that that I frequently had in my hips...
crying in bed...
but not having anyone respond...
imagining that I had some sort of life threatening bone condition that no one was paying attention to...
I think those times set me up for a life of loneliness...
I have explained to people that my life was very much about being surrounded by a lot of people and yet knowing the ache of loneliness.
Maybe that's why the abuse went on for all of those years...
perhaps any attention was better than being invisible.


But I am not invisible...I am strong...and powerful...and beautiful...and intelligent...
and above all a loving person...I just have to learn to love and trust myself.

That's a lot to think about for now...
Love and Light
Maggie

I am glad your sprite is dancing