Your dream was powerful. We don't have to be silent. We can ask for help. We, as women, and as products of a dysfunctional home, don't have to be ashamed and believe we deserve to be used. We can make a little noise, ask for help. Just as I was opening this to respond, I saw our subtitle - We speak. Maybe that is the simple point of what we're doing here. Learning to speak...and, of course, saving the world...
When I was attacked, I acted like prey. I remember reading a story about an arrogant neighborhood tomcat. Everyone in his range disliked him. One day a raptor of some sort dove out of the sky and caught him and started to ascend, dinner in hand. But the cat fought back, struggling, trying to reach the bird. It seemed the bird was as shocked as the cat, and dropped him in midair. The moral of the story was that the cat was less arrogant. But what I understood is that prey animals meekly submit to being devoured. When a hawk catches a rabbit, it hangs there, accepting its fate. They understand their role is to be food, to be a resource, I guess, for a predator. And I was prey.
In your dream, you became something new...new to me, maybe...something that was neither predator nor prey. You reached out for your community. Maybe this is the new place to which we are evolving.
B#2 must have been 16 when he was left behind in the hospital. He had an asthma attack resulting in a tear in the lung tissue. When I think back, I wonder how he got home, or if they just left him there until they got back.
S#3 has told me stories about things Mom has said to her. These are our stories, and we don't have the right to share hers, but in brief - Mom identified S#3 as promiscuous, and therefore bad, at an early age, and treated her as less valuable than the rest of us. That makes me think Mom knew there was sexual abuse happening, but she blamed the victim.
I know a woman who was raped by her stepfather beginning at age 4. It was her fault for being too sexy and suggestive. She wanted it. People actually believe this. A beautiful young woman was raped by her mother's best friend's husband when she was a young teen. She was too sexy and suggestive. She wanted it. I want to scream. People actually believe this. Maybe sexy is defined as having a vagina.
She had a vagina, it was her fault.
I don't know why our parents valued some of us and not others. Dad valued B#2 until he started getting in trouble as a teen. He did not value Bs#1&3. I wonder if that's a difference. Being sexually abused by someone who detests you in general fits. All interactions are humiliating and painful. But being sexually abused by someone who appears to value you must be difficult. The authority figure is accepting and sort of loving, then the authority figure causes great pain. May explain why B#2 psyche was more shredded than the other boys'.
When I was in eighth grade, I had daily conversations with a friend. We enumerated the ways we could tell that our fathers hated us. The lists were logical and correct. But, of course, fathers don't hate their children. They love and value them, no matter what it looks like!
We actually have sunshine today. I am so excited! I woke up without a plan for the day - which I also love - and now I know I will be spending much of the day outside! I need to absorb some sunlight...my soul has been longing for the Light!
Sunny joy to you today,
Clare
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