I remember talking to Grammy once, or I may be remembering a letter she sent me. She said that once she became an adult, she always just felt like herself. She never felt like she was any specific age. I knew she was right when I hit my mid-30s, and realized I had stopped being aware of my age at about 22. I think my personality was pretty set at that age. Age didn't really affect me at all until I was 48. I had my first child when I was 24, and when she turned 24, and I realized I had been her mom for half of my life - for some reason I felt that, I think I felt vulnerable.
I don't think I have ever been too concerned with dying. But I was never able to write a will, because there wasn't anyone I could ask to take my children and raise them the way I would. I really did not want to leave that job undone. I think my mortality hit my consciousness when my daughter was old enough to be a mom, too. They are all okay now, but I really don't feel done. I wonder if mothering is ever completed?!?!
It's strange, but having grandchildren definitely never created the same feelings. Instead their births created a sense of awe and continuation of the world.
But now, I plan to live to about 96, like Grandma, but to maintain an attitude of fun like Grammy.
I was thinking more about the male - female connection. I had an image of male facing female, as equals, maybe as lovers, and a third "cloud" or joined spirit above them. The triangle cycles vertically, as opposed to the other trinities that seem to cycle horizontally. Being fully aware, in love with the self connects us to the divine, maybe. And when we are full, we can connect to a partner, maybe, and feel the divine union, maybe...
Am I making any sense?
Love to you from Clare
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