I am not Biblical. I tend to shy from reading scripture. So I think my attitude would be much like yours. I had a much more spiritual moment yesterday, on my knees in the mud uncovering the daffodils. That was rebirth and the promise of the future.
I was talking about the Easter story with someone. We were analyzing the way the date is set for Easter each year, and the relationship of Easter and Passover. Suddenly I realized, for the first time, that public executions were part of the Passover celebration. We celebrate our deliverance from death by killing others?
The violence hit me really hard...So much of our religious history is steeped in this violence. I have such a hard time working with, believing in, participating in, belonging to any religion...
We had a holy day because it was my grandson's third birthday. We had chocolate and brunch and jelly beans and birthday cake, and sugared up kids. Of course it was not holy because of this, but because of the miracle that is this little boy!
I got to spend time with 4 of my kids. I miss the west coast family so much...It's the end of a long day. More tomorrow!
Love you,
Clare
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Easter
Easter was confusing for me today.
I remember about a 7 - 10 years ago I loved Holy Week...
I was the musical director of my Parish, That meant I was able to plan all of the music of Holy Week...
I was also able to use old traditional hymns and contemporary christian songs as well...
I carefully put together programs that told the story...in a way that touched my soul.
By the time we finished on Easter morning I was drained and then refilled.
Today, at Meeting a women did opening exercises...she told the Easter story from a very paternalistic point of view...she read 2 gospel readings about the resurrection and got choked up and finished the second one in tears...but, I felt nothing.
I sat in Meeting for the first 5 or 10 minutes searching for some emotional response, or an inspiration and I was blank. Not blank as in open to the spirit...just blank.
I had one child in First Day School and we talked about the readings and his reaction to the readings. I found myself explaining the readings as a story that was fictional. With a level of avoidance that I can't remember experiencing before. Our discussion led into the perception of good and bad which was more comfortable for me.
I ran the egg hunt for the younger classroom...that was fun. We even had a squirrel open some of the plastic eggs and steal the treats inside.
At home I had 3 of my four home and they watched a movie together while I worked on homework assignments and grading for my bio class. Greg was at the accountants completing our taxes. We played scrabble and cooked dinner. It was all ordinary. It just didn't feel like a holiday or a holy day. I am not sure if this is good or bad. I don't want to become secular, but I also resonate with the Quaker belief that all days are holy.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I must be at an emotionally stable period...not able to be swept away.
Is that a good thing or a bad?
Love and Light,
Maggie
I remember about a 7 - 10 years ago I loved Holy Week...
I was the musical director of my Parish, That meant I was able to plan all of the music of Holy Week...
I was also able to use old traditional hymns and contemporary christian songs as well...
I carefully put together programs that told the story...in a way that touched my soul.
By the time we finished on Easter morning I was drained and then refilled.
Today, at Meeting a women did opening exercises...she told the Easter story from a very paternalistic point of view...she read 2 gospel readings about the resurrection and got choked up and finished the second one in tears...but, I felt nothing.
I sat in Meeting for the first 5 or 10 minutes searching for some emotional response, or an inspiration and I was blank. Not blank as in open to the spirit...just blank.
I had one child in First Day School and we talked about the readings and his reaction to the readings. I found myself explaining the readings as a story that was fictional. With a level of avoidance that I can't remember experiencing before. Our discussion led into the perception of good and bad which was more comfortable for me.
I ran the egg hunt for the younger classroom...that was fun. We even had a squirrel open some of the plastic eggs and steal the treats inside.
At home I had 3 of my four home and they watched a movie together while I worked on homework assignments and grading for my bio class. Greg was at the accountants completing our taxes. We played scrabble and cooked dinner. It was all ordinary. It just didn't feel like a holiday or a holy day. I am not sure if this is good or bad. I don't want to become secular, but I also resonate with the Quaker belief that all days are holy.
Anyway, the bottom line is that I must be at an emotionally stable period...not able to be swept away.
Is that a good thing or a bad?
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Spring
Thinking about turtles, which have that convenient shell, and it's so easy to pull inside and be - invisible and even invincible. But in your dream, the turtle was safe. He could doze, didn't have to retract. Really positive sign, I think. And puppies are just joy...not sure why a conch became a puppy. I do remember reading once that conch is a good nutritional source of gold. And a calm ocean - water is all about emotion. I think you are at peace for the moment. Enjoy it!
We had sunshine today. It has been so long since we have had a sunny day, that I was beginning to believe that it would be overcast forever. I half think the light deprivation is the reason so many of us have been sick, over and over all winter long. I hung clothes outside, I cleaned gardens. I have sore muscles tonight. It feels great!
It finally feels like spring, like rebirth, like resurrection. I am tired, yet joyful!
I hope you all have a happy Easter. Our celebration will be combined with my grandson;s birthday!
Love to you,
Clare
We had sunshine today. It has been so long since we have had a sunny day, that I was beginning to believe that it would be overcast forever. I half think the light deprivation is the reason so many of us have been sick, over and over all winter long. I hung clothes outside, I cleaned gardens. I have sore muscles tonight. It feels great!
It finally feels like spring, like rebirth, like resurrection. I am tired, yet joyful!
I hope you all have a happy Easter. Our celebration will be combined with my grandson;s birthday!
Love to you,
Clare
The Turtle and the Puppy
You are right about the sexy...
just because we are female we must want "it"
I also find it frustrating that once you "belong" to a man most men respect that boundary
You've said this before, but we deserve respect with or without a man.
I still cannot recall that hospitalization...that is so telling of our connection to each other.
So Easter is tomorrow...a time of renewal...rebirth
I hope that this coming year continues to be a rebirth for us...and all who need that.
So I had another dream last night...very strange because it had a turtle in it.
I don't think I remember dreaming turtles before.
I was walking on a quiet beach and came across a dozing turtle...it was big, like a sea turtle.
I stopped and looked at it, it raised its head, blinked a few times and then went back to sleep. It didn't pull into its shell. I walked away and saw a sand coloered conch shell moving towards the turtle, so I turned around and watched it move. It's movement changed from a crawling to a bounding and it morphed into a sand colered puppy. So I picked it up and walked away...both of us seemed content.
I am working on three projects for class as well as my research so I am somewhat burnt-out. Sorry
...
Love and Light,
Maggie
just because we are female we must want "it"
I also find it frustrating that once you "belong" to a man most men respect that boundary
You've said this before, but we deserve respect with or without a man.
I still cannot recall that hospitalization...that is so telling of our connection to each other.
So Easter is tomorrow...a time of renewal...rebirth
I hope that this coming year continues to be a rebirth for us...and all who need that.
So I had another dream last night...very strange because it had a turtle in it.
I don't think I remember dreaming turtles before.
I was walking on a quiet beach and came across a dozing turtle...it was big, like a sea turtle.
I stopped and looked at it, it raised its head, blinked a few times and then went back to sleep. It didn't pull into its shell. I walked away and saw a sand coloered conch shell moving towards the turtle, so I turned around and watched it move. It's movement changed from a crawling to a bounding and it morphed into a sand colered puppy. So I picked it up and walked away...both of us seemed content.
I am working on three projects for class as well as my research so I am somewhat burnt-out. Sorry
...
Love and Light,
Maggie
define sexy
Your dream was powerful. We don't have to be silent. We can ask for help. We, as women, and as products of a dysfunctional home, don't have to be ashamed and believe we deserve to be used. We can make a little noise, ask for help. Just as I was opening this to respond, I saw our subtitle - We speak. Maybe that is the simple point of what we're doing here. Learning to speak...and, of course, saving the world...
When I was attacked, I acted like prey. I remember reading a story about an arrogant neighborhood tomcat. Everyone in his range disliked him. One day a raptor of some sort dove out of the sky and caught him and started to ascend, dinner in hand. But the cat fought back, struggling, trying to reach the bird. It seemed the bird was as shocked as the cat, and dropped him in midair. The moral of the story was that the cat was less arrogant. But what I understood is that prey animals meekly submit to being devoured. When a hawk catches a rabbit, it hangs there, accepting its fate. They understand their role is to be food, to be a resource, I guess, for a predator. And I was prey.
In your dream, you became something new...new to me, maybe...something that was neither predator nor prey. You reached out for your community. Maybe this is the new place to which we are evolving.
B#2 must have been 16 when he was left behind in the hospital. He had an asthma attack resulting in a tear in the lung tissue. When I think back, I wonder how he got home, or if they just left him there until they got back.
S#3 has told me stories about things Mom has said to her. These are our stories, and we don't have the right to share hers, but in brief - Mom identified S#3 as promiscuous, and therefore bad, at an early age, and treated her as less valuable than the rest of us. That makes me think Mom knew there was sexual abuse happening, but she blamed the victim.
I know a woman who was raped by her stepfather beginning at age 4. It was her fault for being too sexy and suggestive. She wanted it. People actually believe this. A beautiful young woman was raped by her mother's best friend's husband when she was a young teen. She was too sexy and suggestive. She wanted it. I want to scream. People actually believe this. Maybe sexy is defined as having a vagina.
She had a vagina, it was her fault.
I don't know why our parents valued some of us and not others. Dad valued B#2 until he started getting in trouble as a teen. He did not value Bs#1&3. I wonder if that's a difference. Being sexually abused by someone who detests you in general fits. All interactions are humiliating and painful. But being sexually abused by someone who appears to value you must be difficult. The authority figure is accepting and sort of loving, then the authority figure causes great pain. May explain why B#2 psyche was more shredded than the other boys'.
When I was in eighth grade, I had daily conversations with a friend. We enumerated the ways we could tell that our fathers hated us. The lists were logical and correct. But, of course, fathers don't hate their children. They love and value them, no matter what it looks like!
We actually have sunshine today. I am so excited! I woke up without a plan for the day - which I also love - and now I know I will be spending much of the day outside! I need to absorb some sunlight...my soul has been longing for the Light!
Sunny joy to you today,
Clare
When I was attacked, I acted like prey. I remember reading a story about an arrogant neighborhood tomcat. Everyone in his range disliked him. One day a raptor of some sort dove out of the sky and caught him and started to ascend, dinner in hand. But the cat fought back, struggling, trying to reach the bird. It seemed the bird was as shocked as the cat, and dropped him in midair. The moral of the story was that the cat was less arrogant. But what I understood is that prey animals meekly submit to being devoured. When a hawk catches a rabbit, it hangs there, accepting its fate. They understand their role is to be food, to be a resource, I guess, for a predator. And I was prey.
In your dream, you became something new...new to me, maybe...something that was neither predator nor prey. You reached out for your community. Maybe this is the new place to which we are evolving.
B#2 must have been 16 when he was left behind in the hospital. He had an asthma attack resulting in a tear in the lung tissue. When I think back, I wonder how he got home, or if they just left him there until they got back.
S#3 has told me stories about things Mom has said to her. These are our stories, and we don't have the right to share hers, but in brief - Mom identified S#3 as promiscuous, and therefore bad, at an early age, and treated her as less valuable than the rest of us. That makes me think Mom knew there was sexual abuse happening, but she blamed the victim.
I know a woman who was raped by her stepfather beginning at age 4. It was her fault for being too sexy and suggestive. She wanted it. People actually believe this. A beautiful young woman was raped by her mother's best friend's husband when she was a young teen. She was too sexy and suggestive. She wanted it. I want to scream. People actually believe this. Maybe sexy is defined as having a vagina.
She had a vagina, it was her fault.
I don't know why our parents valued some of us and not others. Dad valued B#2 until he started getting in trouble as a teen. He did not value Bs#1&3. I wonder if that's a difference. Being sexually abused by someone who detests you in general fits. All interactions are humiliating and painful. But being sexually abused by someone who appears to value you must be difficult. The authority figure is accepting and sort of loving, then the authority figure causes great pain. May explain why B#2 psyche was more shredded than the other boys'.
When I was in eighth grade, I had daily conversations with a friend. We enumerated the ways we could tell that our fathers hated us. The lists were logical and correct. But, of course, fathers don't hate their children. They love and value them, no matter what it looks like!
We actually have sunshine today. I am so excited! I woke up without a plan for the day - which I also love - and now I know I will be spending much of the day outside! I need to absorb some sunlight...my soul has been longing for the Light!
Sunny joy to you today,
Clare
Thursday, March 28, 2013
leaky memory...
The article caused a shift in my thoughts...I hadn't ever thought of using politically incorrect terms to describe the real violence that occurs within our homes and relationships. It is a form of torture and should be called by its name. I am finding more and more support for the "violence is violence no matter what level it occurs on".
I really believe that the government funds all of these separate entities as a way of keeping them divided...
United we stand, divided we fall.
Perhaps "me too" needs to exist on the individual level as well as a societal level...perhaps we should begin to appreciate our similarities instead of focusing on our differences. That doesn't mean that we hide our unique characteristics...we bring those to the table to increase the depth of understanding and create meaningful solutions.
I am helping a DV shelter/Rape crisis center develop an 8 week program for high school students. I am responsible for the internet lessons- Sexting and Cyberbullying...I am so thrilled to be able to juxtapose these two issues and show their similarities and hopefully allow the students to see the common threads.
It's funny, I don't remember B#2 missing vacation for a hospitalization...I am wracking my brain and cannot come up with that memory. Why does that escape me and yet I can remember most of the shit that S#3 went throughout? Does that have to do with our age differences or did I not care that he wasn't along?
When I think about the summers at home with the boys I am amazed and appalled that we were left like that...
Parties way too frequently...
Teenage boys all over the house...
Drugs and alcohol...we are lucky that we are alive really.
I have always felt that the parents were just giving up...they were tired and couldn't muster the energy or the "give a damn" to be protective...like the song, "My give-a-damn's busted"...or maybe we weren't worth protecting...they took the two youngest along...maybe that's one of the reasons that they both feel as if we grew up in different families...maybe they were cherished and nurtured...I find it hard to believe that the parents could have rallied...but maybe they consciously or unconsciously valued them more...maybe I and S#3 were already unworthy...even though they deny knowing anything about the abuse...I should say Mom denies it, Dad has never talked to me about any of this, but then again I haven't given him an opportunity either.
I had a dream last night...I was in a room with 2 men, one older and one younger. They were dressed as Middle Easterners...and I became acutely aware of being watched...that I was alone with these two and that although they did not speak they were communicating with each other. I became quite uncomfortable and decided to leave the room, as I moved towards the door the younger man started to slowly close it with his foot. I ran and grabbed the door frame and yelled for help, many people came running to help me. This is one of the only times that I've called for help and had people respond.
I woke up...not in a panic, but comforted that others came when I called.
That's all for now...
Love and Light,
Maggie
I really believe that the government funds all of these separate entities as a way of keeping them divided...
United we stand, divided we fall.
Perhaps "me too" needs to exist on the individual level as well as a societal level...perhaps we should begin to appreciate our similarities instead of focusing on our differences. That doesn't mean that we hide our unique characteristics...we bring those to the table to increase the depth of understanding and create meaningful solutions.
I am helping a DV shelter/Rape crisis center develop an 8 week program for high school students. I am responsible for the internet lessons- Sexting and Cyberbullying...I am so thrilled to be able to juxtapose these two issues and show their similarities and hopefully allow the students to see the common threads.
It's funny, I don't remember B#2 missing vacation for a hospitalization...I am wracking my brain and cannot come up with that memory. Why does that escape me and yet I can remember most of the shit that S#3 went throughout? Does that have to do with our age differences or did I not care that he wasn't along?
When I think about the summers at home with the boys I am amazed and appalled that we were left like that...
Parties way too frequently...
Teenage boys all over the house...
Drugs and alcohol...we are lucky that we are alive really.
I have always felt that the parents were just giving up...they were tired and couldn't muster the energy or the "give a damn" to be protective...like the song, "My give-a-damn's busted"...or maybe we weren't worth protecting...they took the two youngest along...maybe that's one of the reasons that they both feel as if we grew up in different families...maybe they were cherished and nurtured...I find it hard to believe that the parents could have rallied...but maybe they consciously or unconsciously valued them more...maybe I and S#3 were already unworthy...even though they deny knowing anything about the abuse...I should say Mom denies it, Dad has never talked to me about any of this, but then again I haven't given him an opportunity either.
I had a dream last night...I was in a room with 2 men, one older and one younger. They were dressed as Middle Easterners...and I became acutely aware of being watched...that I was alone with these two and that although they did not speak they were communicating with each other. I became quite uncomfortable and decided to leave the room, as I moved towards the door the younger man started to slowly close it with his foot. I ran and grabbed the door frame and yelled for help, many people came running to help me. This is one of the only times that I've called for help and had people respond.
I woke up...not in a panic, but comforted that others came when I called.
That's all for now...
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Lurking in the safety of my web!
Oh my God, you are about to graduate. It doesn't seem like it's time yet! I was thinking about your latest degree, and it came to me that these are tools. You can change the world with these tools. This is very exciting!
I remember another vacation that was delayed because S#3 broke her front teeth. She is still in pain because of that. And I remember once B#2 was in the hospital, but everyone went on vacation anyway and just left him there. I had to work, so I didn't go. Mom asked me to visit him at least once or twice. It's a wonder we can function at all! I still get angry when I remember them taking the little girls to the cabin and leaving you and S#3, as young teens, at the mercy of the older teen boys. No wonder I was such an overprotective pain in the backside with my kids. Overcompensating! Too bad it doesn't leak through and change the family...
I am glad that you recognize the pain in the hips as connected to sexual abuse. While I was reading your paragraph, I realized that I clench my jaws. I wondered why. Probably to keep from screaming!
I was also thinking about the power of invisibility. And I was thinking about the way spiders hide, and wait and watch. Maybe that is why I associate with them. Being vulnerable means being seen. I think about the Catholic modesty that was pounded into us right from those earliest days when we learned that girls are bad. We were supposed to keep our bodies covered, so as not to tempt men - because if we did whatever happened next was our fault. We were taught to keep our minds/our intelligence covered, because that was the strength and talent of the boys. We were taught to keep our opinions to ourselves. It seems that invisibility is the female way to avoid vulnerability. Thinking about boys, they had the other side - they had to be tough, cool, never let the veneer slip. They always had to have the answer, always had to be ready to defend. It destroyed them, but maybe created a sense of entitlement.
I think I also use my silence and invisibility to gauge what is happening, to decide if I am in a safe place, and maybe to be a chameleon. I even do it among Friends...
Not sure where I am going with this...it's just sort of emerging.
One more thought - I was forced to be invisible, but now I pull invisibility on. I purposely disappear. Sometimes I think I am the Cheshire Cat...
Did you have a chance to read the article I included in my last post? One strong point stays with me. We use euphemisms to whitewash problems. Maybe that's why your colleagues (or potential colleagues) can't agree on the commonality of their work. But I think we should stop saying domestic violence and start calling it wife torture, or child torture, or husband torture. Let's use the jarring, emotional, messy words. Let's stop distancing ourselves.
Just found out that a dear friend's cancer has returned after a 3 year remission. I am shaky and scared and sad. Maybe that's why I am rambling today.
I love you!!
Clare
I remember another vacation that was delayed because S#3 broke her front teeth. She is still in pain because of that. And I remember once B#2 was in the hospital, but everyone went on vacation anyway and just left him there. I had to work, so I didn't go. Mom asked me to visit him at least once or twice. It's a wonder we can function at all! I still get angry when I remember them taking the little girls to the cabin and leaving you and S#3, as young teens, at the mercy of the older teen boys. No wonder I was such an overprotective pain in the backside with my kids. Overcompensating! Too bad it doesn't leak through and change the family...
I am glad that you recognize the pain in the hips as connected to sexual abuse. While I was reading your paragraph, I realized that I clench my jaws. I wondered why. Probably to keep from screaming!
I was also thinking about the power of invisibility. And I was thinking about the way spiders hide, and wait and watch. Maybe that is why I associate with them. Being vulnerable means being seen. I think about the Catholic modesty that was pounded into us right from those earliest days when we learned that girls are bad. We were supposed to keep our bodies covered, so as not to tempt men - because if we did whatever happened next was our fault. We were taught to keep our minds/our intelligence covered, because that was the strength and talent of the boys. We were taught to keep our opinions to ourselves. It seems that invisibility is the female way to avoid vulnerability. Thinking about boys, they had the other side - they had to be tough, cool, never let the veneer slip. They always had to have the answer, always had to be ready to defend. It destroyed them, but maybe created a sense of entitlement.
I think I also use my silence and invisibility to gauge what is happening, to decide if I am in a safe place, and maybe to be a chameleon. I even do it among Friends...
Not sure where I am going with this...it's just sort of emerging.
One more thought - I was forced to be invisible, but now I pull invisibility on. I purposely disappear. Sometimes I think I am the Cheshire Cat...
Did you have a chance to read the article I included in my last post? One strong point stays with me. We use euphemisms to whitewash problems. Maybe that's why your colleagues (or potential colleagues) can't agree on the commonality of their work. But I think we should stop saying domestic violence and start calling it wife torture, or child torture, or husband torture. Let's use the jarring, emotional, messy words. Let's stop distancing ourselves.
Just found out that a dear friend's cancer has returned after a 3 year remission. I am shaky and scared and sad. Maybe that's why I am rambling today.
I love you!!
Clare
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
to be or not to be...invisible
I must say that you displayed incredible courage and trust to turn your back on a larger than life spider...and I love the fact that she slashed you across areas that you have flashed back to and don't quite understand...and then to imagine that she created openings that would allow fluidity of your spirit...that's pretty intriguing.
You ask about the hip pain...when I am in a stressful situation or engaged in something high-powered I have hip pain that night. I have pinpointed it to a spasm of my pyriformis muscles and believe it is a learned reaction to stress...tighten up those hip muscles to keep legs together...it's sad that it took me over 40 years of pain to realize that this pain was a residual of the abuse.
I was thinking about the concept of invisibilty brought me back to when we were kids and readying for vacation...S#3 developed a boil on her thigh and we had to cancel or postpone vacation...I remember that she was made to feel so badly about ruining everyone's vacation... invisibility would have been a blessing.
Anyway...I am in the home stretch for this program...3 more presentations and 2 papers... I am ready to be finished, but know that i will miss it when it is over.
Have a good night.
Love and Light,
Maggie
You ask about the hip pain...when I am in a stressful situation or engaged in something high-powered I have hip pain that night. I have pinpointed it to a spasm of my pyriformis muscles and believe it is a learned reaction to stress...tighten up those hip muscles to keep legs together...it's sad that it took me over 40 years of pain to realize that this pain was a residual of the abuse.
I was thinking about the concept of invisibilty brought me back to when we were kids and readying for vacation...S#3 developed a boil on her thigh and we had to cancel or postpone vacation...I remember that she was made to feel so badly about ruining everyone's vacation... invisibility would have been a blessing.
Anyway...I am in the home stretch for this program...3 more presentations and 2 papers... I am ready to be finished, but know that i will miss it when it is over.
Have a good night.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, March 25, 2013
Itsy, bitsy spider...
The dissolving looked like my body turning to sand and blowing away in the wind. And I suppose if I trust the process, and let my spirit stand firm, I would reform...or transform. I would still exist. I guess instead of vulnerability, I was considering invisibility. But considering what would be left, if I dissolved and just wasn't here for a brief time...what would be left. It seems I would be both vulnerable and powerful. I will have to consider this for awhile. I have two separate trains of thought tracking through my brain.
Do your hips still ache? Sounds like residual pain from the abuse to me. What hit me though, was you had to take it all the way to dying of an incurable bone ailment. I used to do the same thing. I knew that none of my problems merited attention...but if I were dying of cancer - that would show you all how much you would miss me if I was gone. Maybe. Writing that took me back one year to B#2's suicide attempt. Was he trying to die, or screaming to see if we knew he was alive?
You chilled me with:
Maybe that's why the abuse went on for all of those years...
perhaps any attention was better than being invisible.
I have heard similar lines from many women in abusive relationships. How do we learn this pattern? What makes it okay?
Think about this:
http://www.thenation.com/article/173463/war-against-women-home-and-abroad
We can talk about that later, though, because I had another of my dream-like experiences last night. I couldn't sleep and a quote came into my mind:
You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
-C. S. Lewis
I started thinking about being cold. I have always had cold feet. I was considering again not being in my body. But this time it felt different, because instead of the body, I was the soul, trying on the body - kind of like shopping for new clothes (which I hate to do.)
I started thinking about the body - mind - spirit trinity and it's effect on health. I had the image that abuse, and damage to the body creates blocks to the soul. Those scarred places don't allow spirit access. If spirit/soul doesn't inhabit our body, than there can not be health in those areas. I started considering rape, sexual abuse, paddling, spanking and thinking about creating deep scars right in the middle of our being. The spirit can inhabit our lower self or our higher self, but the two are blocked. Explains a lt of the problems in our society to me...
Then, as I was thinking, I "heard" a noise in the basement. In the dream state I went down the stairs and found myself and a dog in a box. This is a dog I have been watching on a rescue site. I feel like I know this dog. And this is a dog that has suffered severe neglect at the hands of a hoarder. (Does his story echo ours?)
I started back up the stairs, and I am not sure where the dog was...but at the top of the stairs was a spider. She was as big as I am, zoologically correct, and very, very hairy. My first thought was a bit panicked, but another part of me, thought, "How appropriate for a spinner." In waking life, I like spiders. The spider spoke to me and asked me to trust. I did. I came up the stairs and we were face to face. She asked me to turn around, so my back was to her. I did so, and was facing down the stairs. Very symbolic! She then slashed me across my calves, across my thighs, perhaps across my buttocks, and once again across my shoulders. It happened quickly and did not hurt. But I think she was making way for my spirit/soul to access the lower parts of my body. Or maybe I was releasing trauma from these part of myself.
Today I feel weepy and sad.
Thanks you for paying attention to me and my crazy thoughts!
Love to you...so much love!
Clare
Do your hips still ache? Sounds like residual pain from the abuse to me. What hit me though, was you had to take it all the way to dying of an incurable bone ailment. I used to do the same thing. I knew that none of my problems merited attention...but if I were dying of cancer - that would show you all how much you would miss me if I was gone. Maybe. Writing that took me back one year to B#2's suicide attempt. Was he trying to die, or screaming to see if we knew he was alive?
You chilled me with:
Maybe that's why the abuse went on for all of those years...
perhaps any attention was better than being invisible.
I have heard similar lines from many women in abusive relationships. How do we learn this pattern? What makes it okay?
Think about this:
http://www.thenation.com/article/173463/war-against-women-home-and-abroad
We can talk about that later, though, because I had another of my dream-like experiences last night. I couldn't sleep and a quote came into my mind:
You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
-C. S. Lewis
I started thinking about being cold. I have always had cold feet. I was considering again not being in my body. But this time it felt different, because instead of the body, I was the soul, trying on the body - kind of like shopping for new clothes (which I hate to do.)
I started thinking about the body - mind - spirit trinity and it's effect on health. I had the image that abuse, and damage to the body creates blocks to the soul. Those scarred places don't allow spirit access. If spirit/soul doesn't inhabit our body, than there can not be health in those areas. I started considering rape, sexual abuse, paddling, spanking and thinking about creating deep scars right in the middle of our being. The spirit can inhabit our lower self or our higher self, but the two are blocked. Explains a lt of the problems in our society to me...
Then, as I was thinking, I "heard" a noise in the basement. In the dream state I went down the stairs and found myself and a dog in a box. This is a dog I have been watching on a rescue site. I feel like I know this dog. And this is a dog that has suffered severe neglect at the hands of a hoarder. (Does his story echo ours?)
I started back up the stairs, and I am not sure where the dog was...but at the top of the stairs was a spider. She was as big as I am, zoologically correct, and very, very hairy. My first thought was a bit panicked, but another part of me, thought, "How appropriate for a spinner." In waking life, I like spiders. The spider spoke to me and asked me to trust. I did. I came up the stairs and we were face to face. She asked me to turn around, so my back was to her. I did so, and was facing down the stairs. Very symbolic! She then slashed me across my calves, across my thighs, perhaps across my buttocks, and once again across my shoulders. It happened quickly and did not hurt. But I think she was making way for my spirit/soul to access the lower parts of my body. Or maybe I was releasing trauma from these part of myself.
Today I feel weepy and sad.
Thanks you for paying attention to me and my crazy thoughts!
Love to you...so much love!
Clare
Sunday, March 24, 2013
"I'm melting"
So what if I dissolve and no one notices????
What do we expect dissolving would look like?
Is it letting go of all of the intellectual crap that I wrap around myself so that no one can actually see me?
Is it taking off the facade so that people can see my imperfections?
Is it actually speaking my truths so that people can know my heart?
Those are powerful images and I can only imagine the power that they would have to cause change in my life.
They are scary as hell...Like the wicked witch after water is splashed onto her..."I'm melting"
I will admit that the thought of being transparent, vulnerable, and/or open scares the hell out of me.
I am trying to work my way to this every day.
I am so damned stunted that I am still at the level of consciously identifying any inkling of emotion that I might feel. I was getting pretty good at noticing and identifying emotions and then I got busy and forgot to be mindful of them. I will start again.
I do have to say that the other day when I was brought to tears I didn't stifle the hurt...I actually teared up for the rest of the day on and off. It was uncomfortable, but I stayed with it as best I could.
Anyway, what if you/I dissolve ...I don't think it really matters if people fail to notice the changes...at least the superficial crap that I am rambling about. Even if all of that dissolves the true essence of you and I will still BE. That part of us that is universal and eternal will continue to exist. The other thing that I believe is that without all of the "fluff" we will be more able to impact those around us in a purer and more effective way.
Isn't this the heart of vulnerability? Hasn't this been a goal?
But, it still hurts to imagine no one noticing.
It takes us back to the days when we were small and we had to be 'good soldiers'...
to be seen but not heard...
God forbid I ever cry or need something.
I am remembering laying in bed in F-burg, with that intense aching that that I frequently had in my hips...
crying in bed...
but not having anyone respond...
imagining that I had some sort of life threatening bone condition that no one was paying attention to...
I think those times set me up for a life of loneliness...
I have explained to people that my life was very much about being surrounded by a lot of people and yet knowing the ache of loneliness.
Maybe that's why the abuse went on for all of those years...
perhaps any attention was better than being invisible.
But I am not invisible...I am strong...and powerful...and beautiful...and intelligent...
and above all a loving person...I just have to learn to love and trust myself.
That's a lot to think about for now...
Love and Light
Maggie
I am glad your sprite is dancing
What do we expect dissolving would look like?
Is it letting go of all of the intellectual crap that I wrap around myself so that no one can actually see me?
Is it taking off the facade so that people can see my imperfections?
Is it actually speaking my truths so that people can know my heart?
Those are powerful images and I can only imagine the power that they would have to cause change in my life.
They are scary as hell...Like the wicked witch after water is splashed onto her..."I'm melting"
I will admit that the thought of being transparent, vulnerable, and/or open scares the hell out of me.
I am trying to work my way to this every day.
I am so damned stunted that I am still at the level of consciously identifying any inkling of emotion that I might feel. I was getting pretty good at noticing and identifying emotions and then I got busy and forgot to be mindful of them. I will start again.
I do have to say that the other day when I was brought to tears I didn't stifle the hurt...I actually teared up for the rest of the day on and off. It was uncomfortable, but I stayed with it as best I could.
Anyway, what if you/I dissolve ...I don't think it really matters if people fail to notice the changes...at least the superficial crap that I am rambling about. Even if all of that dissolves the true essence of you and I will still BE. That part of us that is universal and eternal will continue to exist. The other thing that I believe is that without all of the "fluff" we will be more able to impact those around us in a purer and more effective way.
Isn't this the heart of vulnerability? Hasn't this been a goal?
But, it still hurts to imagine no one noticing.
It takes us back to the days when we were small and we had to be 'good soldiers'...
to be seen but not heard...
God forbid I ever cry or need something.
I am remembering laying in bed in F-burg, with that intense aching that that I frequently had in my hips...
crying in bed...
but not having anyone respond...
imagining that I had some sort of life threatening bone condition that no one was paying attention to...
I think those times set me up for a life of loneliness...
I have explained to people that my life was very much about being surrounded by a lot of people and yet knowing the ache of loneliness.
Maybe that's why the abuse went on for all of those years...
perhaps any attention was better than being invisible.
But I am not invisible...I am strong...and powerful...and beautiful...and intelligent...
and above all a loving person...I just have to learn to love and trust myself.
That's a lot to think about for now...
Love and Light
Maggie
I am glad your sprite is dancing
Slip-sliding away!
Oh, we'll backslide over and over. And on a good day, we'll recognize that it's happening. I think sometimes we backslide, and don't even know it. It's so comfortable in the rut. It's just normal, the way life is - you know? It's so hard to first, climb out of the rut, and then - try to figure out which path to take.
But we recognize the rut, and the swamp it is part of. This is progress. Especially since we are not afraid to call the swamp a swamp.
I think about my little frozen baby self. She is dancing, but she is outside. I think she is that nature sprite part of myself. She does not want to be inside!
I like the word tender. I think of maternal care and compassion, and of having mom know what I need and take care of me. I feel like a scratched record, repeating myself over and over, but when we learn young that we are not worth this care and tenderness, it colors the way we see the rest of the world for the rest of our lives. It is hard to accept tenderness because if we accept and thereby accept that we are worthy then our whole life crumbles.
Granted, we are trying to crumble everything. And something I read about shamanism said the process includes death of self, crumbling of reality, then a reforming of a new self. You know, this is probably what we are doing, and I think I just described a resurrection of sorts.
But what if I dissolve and nobody notices...okay, typing that brought tears. This is obviously a core truth for me. I guess I still wonder if I am real and worth even noticing...
God, we have so much work to do!
I fear I am rambling. I had grandchildren here over night. I love having them so much, but it can be just a little tiring!
I hope you are having a nice weekend...Love you,
Clare
But we recognize the rut, and the swamp it is part of. This is progress. Especially since we are not afraid to call the swamp a swamp.
I think about my little frozen baby self. She is dancing, but she is outside. I think she is that nature sprite part of myself. She does not want to be inside!
I like the word tender. I think of maternal care and compassion, and of having mom know what I need and take care of me. I feel like a scratched record, repeating myself over and over, but when we learn young that we are not worth this care and tenderness, it colors the way we see the rest of the world for the rest of our lives. It is hard to accept tenderness because if we accept and thereby accept that we are worthy then our whole life crumbles.
Granted, we are trying to crumble everything. And something I read about shamanism said the process includes death of self, crumbling of reality, then a reforming of a new self. You know, this is probably what we are doing, and I think I just described a resurrection of sorts.
But what if I dissolve and nobody notices...okay, typing that brought tears. This is obviously a core truth for me. I guess I still wonder if I am real and worth even noticing...
God, we have so much work to do!
I fear I am rambling. I had grandchildren here over night. I love having them so much, but it can be just a little tiring!
I hope you are having a nice weekend...Love you,
Clare
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The long and winding road...
I got tied up in the old..."too many things at one time" and didn't realize that I was still working until I asked where my youngest was and husband said, "he's been in bed for half an hour".
It's coming closer and closer to the end of the semester and I am sensing the building pressure...So I try to diffuse that by working diligently.
I talked with Mom yesterday...it was good. I had sensed that I needed to do that, but expected that it was something more important than just checking in...maybe checking is important these days. I just follow my intuition.
As for the George Bush thoughts...I am convinced that he thought he was doing the right thing. From his skewed perspective everything that he did was justified. A good friend of mine still thinks he is the best leader we've had in recent history. I have been hearing numerous talk shows about the Iraq war and the senseless wasted resources and human lives...in retrospect people are seeing more clearly. I have not heard any response from him about the discussions...it would be interesting to see if time has changed any of his ideas and what his recollections of the Iraq war would be.
So Easter is a time of spiritual resurrection...I think we did that over this past year. We have both symbolically found the parts of ourselves that we had locked away for safe keeping. But have we been able to breathe life back into them? I have not had any of those dream images in a long while, at least that I remember. Have you thought of your little "frozen baby"? Perhaps over the next year we can breathe, or sing, or dance, or play some life back into them.
I was posting on another social media site and wrote the words of Isaac Pennington...
Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness;
and bearing one with another,
and forgiving one another,
and laying not accusations one against another;
but praying for one another,
and helping one another up with a tender hand. (1667)
Do I accept tenderness from another?
Sometimes, when I am particularly open I do...
but generally I would not accept tenderness because I would misconstrue it as a sign of weakness instead of as a sign of trust, love and forgiveness.
I am so incredibly drawn to this quote though.
I first heard it on a CD by a Quaker woman who sings some of the more famous Quakerly quotes...
and I see it with a certain regularity...it must be calling to me. I will have to sit with it.
I am trying to take stock of where we've journeyed this past year. It's been a winding path, but definitely with forward movement....a few backslides, but that just gave us an opportunity to approach the obstacle in a different way. I am grateful that you are walking beside me.
Love and Light,
Maggie
It's coming closer and closer to the end of the semester and I am sensing the building pressure...So I try to diffuse that by working diligently.
I talked with Mom yesterday...it was good. I had sensed that I needed to do that, but expected that it was something more important than just checking in...maybe checking is important these days. I just follow my intuition.
As for the George Bush thoughts...I am convinced that he thought he was doing the right thing. From his skewed perspective everything that he did was justified. A good friend of mine still thinks he is the best leader we've had in recent history. I have been hearing numerous talk shows about the Iraq war and the senseless wasted resources and human lives...in retrospect people are seeing more clearly. I have not heard any response from him about the discussions...it would be interesting to see if time has changed any of his ideas and what his recollections of the Iraq war would be.
So Easter is a time of spiritual resurrection...I think we did that over this past year. We have both symbolically found the parts of ourselves that we had locked away for safe keeping. But have we been able to breathe life back into them? I have not had any of those dream images in a long while, at least that I remember. Have you thought of your little "frozen baby"? Perhaps over the next year we can breathe, or sing, or dance, or play some life back into them.
I was posting on another social media site and wrote the words of Isaac Pennington...
Our life is love, and peace, and tenderness;
and bearing one with another,
and forgiving one another,
and laying not accusations one against another;
but praying for one another,
and helping one another up with a tender hand. (1667)
Do I accept tenderness from another?
Sometimes, when I am particularly open I do...
but generally I would not accept tenderness because I would misconstrue it as a sign of weakness instead of as a sign of trust, love and forgiveness.
I am so incredibly drawn to this quote though.
I first heard it on a CD by a Quaker woman who sings some of the more famous Quakerly quotes...
and I see it with a certain regularity...it must be calling to me. I will have to sit with it.
I am trying to take stock of where we've journeyed this past year. It's been a winding path, but definitely with forward movement....a few backslides, but that just gave us an opportunity to approach the obstacle in a different way. I am grateful that you are walking beside me.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Who profits?
Hey,
I miss you! I hope you are the kind of busy that is inspiring - as opposed to exhausting!
You asked an important question. Who profits from the violence? I don't know if I have an answer. I have a swirl of impressions.
Who profits from the violence? Prisons do. We put people in prison in this country, rather than try to help them find their humanity. There are certain corporations that are wealthy because of our prison system. Pharmaceutical companies are benefiting from the sheer numbers of people who need antidepressants. Schools get extra funding for damaged students, I believe. Any company that provides a virtual world for hurting souls to escape to...Because our lack of trust and connection in this world are too painful to bear sometimes.
Who benefits from the violence? Any perpetrator of violence. Some live in shame, some lurk as predators. All have been damaged by violence. All use violence to keep the curtain up, so we can all imagine they're fine inside there.
This stream of thought set off a kind of silly memory. I feel a little foolish, but I'll share it anyway. I really disliked George Bush - well, both of them, but especially the second one. His voice, his mannerisms, caused physical revulsion. It was sort of interesting, since I never met the man. And the things he did, the pain and destruction he caused and his blithe dismissal of all the evil angered me and confused me. I often stopped to wonder if he was really as dumb as he seemed. Or as obliviously heartless.
This may be as close to hate as I have ever gotten.
So in the silence of worship, for weeks, I worked on finding a place where I could love this man, to have compassion for him. This was really, really hard spiritual work. I had to find ways to step past revulsion. Finally one First Day I had a breakthrough. It came to me that he had to have been extremely abused in order to have his humanity crushed so thoroughly. And I had compassion and gratitude. I was grateful that he accepted so much abuse that he could demonstrate the effects of violence on innate humanity.
So who profits from violence? Anyone, any man, any corporation who gained wealth from the inhumanity of a tortured-to-inhumanity person like Bush. He had the family, the wealth, the powerful backing, to be given a leadership position. He had so little humanity left that he probably doesn't know, doesn't care about the damage left in his wake.
Luckily, it is easy to love you! I miss you, also!
Clare
I miss you! I hope you are the kind of busy that is inspiring - as opposed to exhausting!
You asked an important question. Who profits from the violence? I don't know if I have an answer. I have a swirl of impressions.
Who profits from the violence? Prisons do. We put people in prison in this country, rather than try to help them find their humanity. There are certain corporations that are wealthy because of our prison system. Pharmaceutical companies are benefiting from the sheer numbers of people who need antidepressants. Schools get extra funding for damaged students, I believe. Any company that provides a virtual world for hurting souls to escape to...Because our lack of trust and connection in this world are too painful to bear sometimes.
Who benefits from the violence? Any perpetrator of violence. Some live in shame, some lurk as predators. All have been damaged by violence. All use violence to keep the curtain up, so we can all imagine they're fine inside there.
This stream of thought set off a kind of silly memory. I feel a little foolish, but I'll share it anyway. I really disliked George Bush - well, both of them, but especially the second one. His voice, his mannerisms, caused physical revulsion. It was sort of interesting, since I never met the man. And the things he did, the pain and destruction he caused and his blithe dismissal of all the evil angered me and confused me. I often stopped to wonder if he was really as dumb as he seemed. Or as obliviously heartless.
This may be as close to hate as I have ever gotten.
So in the silence of worship, for weeks, I worked on finding a place where I could love this man, to have compassion for him. This was really, really hard spiritual work. I had to find ways to step past revulsion. Finally one First Day I had a breakthrough. It came to me that he had to have been extremely abused in order to have his humanity crushed so thoroughly. And I had compassion and gratitude. I was grateful that he accepted so much abuse that he could demonstrate the effects of violence on innate humanity.
So who profits from violence? Anyone, any man, any corporation who gained wealth from the inhumanity of a tortured-to-inhumanity person like Bush. He had the family, the wealth, the powerful backing, to be given a leadership position. He had so little humanity left that he probably doesn't know, doesn't care about the damage left in his wake.
Luckily, it is easy to love you! I miss you, also!
Clare
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Go ahead and cry
I was ready to write a post last night. I had the blog open and was rereading your last post. Then my youngest came downstairs and wanted to talk and hang out. She took priority. By the time she was tired, I was exhausted. Then today, I have had a few cancellations in my schedule - so here I am!
To start - I read an essay this morning, and have been thinking about it ever since. It was written by a woman who was talked into having weight loss surgery. It was medically successful. She really thinks about what happened to her and what it means.
The essay:
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/losing-180-pounds-really-does-body-8212-160-163900419.html
She wrote:
The problem was that I lost all those pounds, but I didn't have to change a thing about my self. I didn't have to address any of the emotional or psychological issues. I didn't have to figure out why I had been depressed - why I was still so, so depressed, despite the fact that the one thing I thought had been ruining my life was suddenly gone.
-Jen Larsen
Emotions are a gift...
You said you sat and cried. Crying is so cleansing. Being able to feel and release the sadness, the loneliness, the pain is such a gift. I always feel so much better after a crying session. But it's emotion, feeling it, reliving maybe - it's the gift of walking back through the pain and surviving, realizing it wasn't fair. Understanding that the things that were done to us, or that we witnessed were wrong and bad and it was not our fault.
I loved the paragraph above in the essay. This woman did not walk through the pain. Instead she allowed the current powers-that-be to create a beautiful facade. It's like when we were growing up looking nice for the public. We were the All-American family. This woman is now acceptable to society...
I was skinny, finally, and I was fascinated by the physicality of it. It was like my skeleton had floated up to the surface from the bottom of a murky pond. I had muscles and tendons and bones and in the shower I'd soap the ridges of my ribs, the knobs of my hipbones, and be amazed to make their acquaintance.
-Jen Larsen
And this paragraph really excited me because she is describing the swamp. I am seeing the image over and over again, in other people's psyches. Maybe Brene identified a sort of archetype...can a landscape be an archetype? Or do we need a new word? What I recognize is that we need to walk away from the swamp - gracefully and with great strength. It's not enough to emerge and float around. It's just a first step!
I took a walk in the cold air yesterday, and considered the power of the written word. I considered how some best-sellers have changed the way people think. I think we have that in us. I think maybe that's what we do next. (Note my hedge - maybe...possibly...I'm not using my strength or grace at the moment!) I do know we have something to say. And if we can redefine the way society has taught us to think, then you can walk back into those separate offices and people will see the big picture. People will understand how it is all one problem, and they are working with a single facet.
But we need to talk about it, so put it on the agenda for May, and think about it in the meantime. Play and talk and play and talk...and go in the waterfall.
I was thinking about our one year anniversary also. I remembered that one of my first posts was Easter Monday when my little buddy and I found the wounded mourning dove in the garden. And it's almost Easter again. Did we resurrect last year? Will it happen again this year, or will it simply continue?
I love you!
Clare
To start - I read an essay this morning, and have been thinking about it ever since. It was written by a woman who was talked into having weight loss surgery. It was medically successful. She really thinks about what happened to her and what it means.
The essay:
http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/losing-180-pounds-really-does-body-8212-160-163900419.html
She wrote:
The problem was that I lost all those pounds, but I didn't have to change a thing about my self. I didn't have to address any of the emotional or psychological issues. I didn't have to figure out why I had been depressed - why I was still so, so depressed, despite the fact that the one thing I thought had been ruining my life was suddenly gone.
-Jen Larsen
Emotions are a gift...
You said you sat and cried. Crying is so cleansing. Being able to feel and release the sadness, the loneliness, the pain is such a gift. I always feel so much better after a crying session. But it's emotion, feeling it, reliving maybe - it's the gift of walking back through the pain and surviving, realizing it wasn't fair. Understanding that the things that were done to us, or that we witnessed were wrong and bad and it was not our fault.
I loved the paragraph above in the essay. This woman did not walk through the pain. Instead she allowed the current powers-that-be to create a beautiful facade. It's like when we were growing up looking nice for the public. We were the All-American family. This woman is now acceptable to society...
I was skinny, finally, and I was fascinated by the physicality of it. It was like my skeleton had floated up to the surface from the bottom of a murky pond. I had muscles and tendons and bones and in the shower I'd soap the ridges of my ribs, the knobs of my hipbones, and be amazed to make their acquaintance.
-Jen Larsen
And this paragraph really excited me because she is describing the swamp. I am seeing the image over and over again, in other people's psyches. Maybe Brene identified a sort of archetype...can a landscape be an archetype? Or do we need a new word? What I recognize is that we need to walk away from the swamp - gracefully and with great strength. It's not enough to emerge and float around. It's just a first step!
I took a walk in the cold air yesterday, and considered the power of the written word. I considered how some best-sellers have changed the way people think. I think we have that in us. I think maybe that's what we do next. (Note my hedge - maybe...possibly...I'm not using my strength or grace at the moment!) I do know we have something to say. And if we can redefine the way society has taught us to think, then you can walk back into those separate offices and people will see the big picture. People will understand how it is all one problem, and they are working with a single facet.
But we need to talk about it, so put it on the agenda for May, and think about it in the meantime. Play and talk and play and talk...and go in the waterfall.
I was thinking about our one year anniversary also. I remembered that one of my first posts was Easter Monday when my little buddy and I found the wounded mourning dove in the garden. And it's almost Easter again. Did we resurrect last year? Will it happen again this year, or will it simply continue?
I love you!
Clare
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Happy First Day of Spring
Just a quick note to check in.
I ran all day...and had really no time to think about life.
I am being frustrated by personal agendas...every meeting I have had recently has been tainted by personal agendas...people trying to advance their own point of view.
When I left Catholicism...I was asking alot of questions...and I was told that I needed to accept the teachings and dogma without question...I was told that if I couldn't do that perhaps I didn't belong within that religion.
I am having a similar experience with domestic violence...I cannot buy into the feminist model...that all men are dangerous and all women are victims...I do believe that some men and women are dangerous and that with compassion and intervention they can potentially change their ways. Any way...when I voice my opinion I am given a lesson from the feminist model expected to accept that. I don't want to walk away because the perceptions need to change and perhaps I can help change them from the inside.
I am frustrated by group work that I have to do for a class and I am letting that frustration occupy my thoughts.
Why do I allow myself to be distracted by negative thoughts?
I allow it too frequently to happen.
So we are coming up on one year of this Blog...
That is really hard to believe.
I believe that I/we have made amazing progress in one year.
I looked back to the early posts...
they were heart breaking for me to write and post...
and now they seem like a distant memory.
But, there is still that swamp to clear up...
is that the goal?
Now that I write that I am not sure if that is the goal...
I am not sure.
Do we clarify the waters...potentially removing the fertile nature of the swamp?
Do we learn to live and thrive in the swamp...absorbing nutrients/lessons from it?
Or do we do both...or is there another alternative?
I have been thinking about Mom alot recently...
I keep telling myself that I will call...and then I forget...maybe subconsciously I am avoiding.
Happy first day of Spring,
Maggie
I ran all day...and had really no time to think about life.
I am being frustrated by personal agendas...every meeting I have had recently has been tainted by personal agendas...people trying to advance their own point of view.
When I left Catholicism...I was asking alot of questions...and I was told that I needed to accept the teachings and dogma without question...I was told that if I couldn't do that perhaps I didn't belong within that religion.
I am having a similar experience with domestic violence...I cannot buy into the feminist model...that all men are dangerous and all women are victims...I do believe that some men and women are dangerous and that with compassion and intervention they can potentially change their ways. Any way...when I voice my opinion I am given a lesson from the feminist model expected to accept that. I don't want to walk away because the perceptions need to change and perhaps I can help change them from the inside.
I am frustrated by group work that I have to do for a class and I am letting that frustration occupy my thoughts.
Why do I allow myself to be distracted by negative thoughts?
I allow it too frequently to happen.
So we are coming up on one year of this Blog...
That is really hard to believe.
I believe that I/we have made amazing progress in one year.
I looked back to the early posts...
they were heart breaking for me to write and post...
and now they seem like a distant memory.
But, there is still that swamp to clear up...
is that the goal?
Now that I write that I am not sure if that is the goal...
I am not sure.
Do we clarify the waters...potentially removing the fertile nature of the swamp?
Do we learn to live and thrive in the swamp...absorbing nutrients/lessons from it?
Or do we do both...or is there another alternative?
I have been thinking about Mom alot recently...
I keep telling myself that I will call...and then I forget...maybe subconsciously I am avoiding.
Happy first day of Spring,
Maggie
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
I cried today..and I survived...a step forward
I had another one of those interesting days...
I went to the office and started talking with the other interns about the Steubenville case and the comments and reactions...we talked for over an hour about the lack of true parenting and instilling the value of life in our children ( over-generalization of course).
Then I had to write a reflection on the ways that this masters program has changed me, personally and professionally. It was good to sit and think about the changes that have happened over the past 3 years. I described it as an evolution...which it truly is because I am changing in response to my environment as it changes...a dynamic interaction.
Then we had a meeting about the Child abuse task force and their progress over the past few months...they are stuck on the definition of perpetrator...they are arguing over the age at which one can be labeled a perpetrator...some want it set at 14, others at 18. They argue that if charged with abuse at 14 the person would have to register as an offender (if sexual) or be forever marked on child abuse clearances...and why ruin their lives over normal human behaviors...you know curious kids???
I finally had to speak up...I shared my history of childhood sexual abuse and I shared my thoughts that if the perpetrators had been detained and offered mental health services at a young age their lives would certainly be different...I shared that they lived with addiction, poor relationships, and suicide attempts...their lives aren't ruined by holding them responsible...they are ruined because they understand at a very deep level that what they did was wrong and then have to bury that reality in drugs, etc...They would be better off if they were given concentrated mental health services and then potentially have their names removed from those lists at 21 if they have made sufficient progress.
I don't think that people see that violence against another is not 'normal human behavior' it is a sign that the person has been deeply hurt them self and needs assistance. I have compassion for perpetrators but that compassion demands meaningful help for them...not a slap on the wrist and a clean slate. I also pointed out the obvious...that the victims has been given a life sentence from which to recover as best they can.
I sent you a link on email...it is a very moving and says so much about the damage of interpersonal violence.
There are so many people saying the same thing...violence is wrong...but violence persists.
Who is benefiting from all of this violence?
Why is it being perpetuated?
Some one's got to be profiting from it...
I will have to think about that question.
Anyway, I cried today...and instead of stifling it and putting up my defenses I let it flow and felt the pain. It was a good experience.
I love you...
Maggie
I went to the office and started talking with the other interns about the Steubenville case and the comments and reactions...we talked for over an hour about the lack of true parenting and instilling the value of life in our children ( over-generalization of course).
Then I had to write a reflection on the ways that this masters program has changed me, personally and professionally. It was good to sit and think about the changes that have happened over the past 3 years. I described it as an evolution...which it truly is because I am changing in response to my environment as it changes...a dynamic interaction.
Then we had a meeting about the Child abuse task force and their progress over the past few months...they are stuck on the definition of perpetrator...they are arguing over the age at which one can be labeled a perpetrator...some want it set at 14, others at 18. They argue that if charged with abuse at 14 the person would have to register as an offender (if sexual) or be forever marked on child abuse clearances...and why ruin their lives over normal human behaviors...you know curious kids???
I finally had to speak up...I shared my history of childhood sexual abuse and I shared my thoughts that if the perpetrators had been detained and offered mental health services at a young age their lives would certainly be different...I shared that they lived with addiction, poor relationships, and suicide attempts...their lives aren't ruined by holding them responsible...they are ruined because they understand at a very deep level that what they did was wrong and then have to bury that reality in drugs, etc...They would be better off if they were given concentrated mental health services and then potentially have their names removed from those lists at 21 if they have made sufficient progress.
I don't think that people see that violence against another is not 'normal human behavior' it is a sign that the person has been deeply hurt them self and needs assistance. I have compassion for perpetrators but that compassion demands meaningful help for them...not a slap on the wrist and a clean slate. I also pointed out the obvious...that the victims has been given a life sentence from which to recover as best they can.
I sent you a link on email...it is a very moving and says so much about the damage of interpersonal violence.
There are so many people saying the same thing...violence is wrong...but violence persists.
Who is benefiting from all of this violence?
Why is it being perpetuated?
Some one's got to be profiting from it...
I will have to think about that question.
Anyway, I cried today...and instead of stifling it and putting up my defenses I let it flow and felt the pain. It was a good experience.
I love you...
Maggie
What is our value?
I have been reading a lot of opinions about the rape verdict. I read one that has stayed with me. So many people have said, "What if it was your daughter? What is it was your wife?" I have thought that myself. I have wondered if men who objectify women would rethink their position if they filled in the face of a beloved female, especially one that is protected, hopefully by them. But the author pointed out that by asking the question we are inadvertently stating that women are only valuable in relation to men. So does that mean if I have no brothers, no spouse, no sons that I am available to be raped? I had to stop and think.
And maybe we are only valuable in relation to others in this violent society...None of us are valuable in and of ourselves. We are valuable if we have or make money. We are valuable is we have the look that is currently considered beautiful. If we don't have those traits, we are valuable if we are rapable or can be drafted into the military to become fodder, in both cases, for those who control it all.
You said the young man wrote his musical about bullying and he realized that: Bullying is about control and taking power from another in order to make yourself feel more powerful. I see that. We feel powerless when our parents don't respond to us, or worse - are brutal to us. But I also think that bullying is a way to stop the pain. It is one more addictive behavior stemming from that desperate search to stop the pain.
I have long said that we could change the world by homebirthing, extended nursing, baby wearing, homeschooling - simply go back to the natural/normal/humane way of raising kids and let a new society develop. But all of this has to be done in the context of family, extended family, tribe. It's simple! We need each other. We need to be touched. We need to be noticed. We need it from Day 1.
You are right. As children, we were less valued than keeping secrets. We were trained young to smile and pretend everything was fine and that we were a good family - no matter what was really going on. I can see why it is easier to forget, and pretend it never happened. It's the only way to acceptance...and I am back to - we need each other. That may be the message of my life. We need each other and we need to be needed.
I have been feeling like I am free-falling lately. I don't seem to know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing. I am trusting it, but I am uncomfortable...no, you know I just don't like it. I am not sure how to find myself...
But I love you...Clare
And maybe we are only valuable in relation to others in this violent society...None of us are valuable in and of ourselves. We are valuable if we have or make money. We are valuable is we have the look that is currently considered beautiful. If we don't have those traits, we are valuable if we are rapable or can be drafted into the military to become fodder, in both cases, for those who control it all.
You said the young man wrote his musical about bullying and he realized that: Bullying is about control and taking power from another in order to make yourself feel more powerful. I see that. We feel powerless when our parents don't respond to us, or worse - are brutal to us. But I also think that bullying is a way to stop the pain. It is one more addictive behavior stemming from that desperate search to stop the pain.
I have long said that we could change the world by homebirthing, extended nursing, baby wearing, homeschooling - simply go back to the natural/normal/humane way of raising kids and let a new society develop. But all of this has to be done in the context of family, extended family, tribe. It's simple! We need each other. We need to be touched. We need to be noticed. We need it from Day 1.
You are right. As children, we were less valued than keeping secrets. We were trained young to smile and pretend everything was fine and that we were a good family - no matter what was really going on. I can see why it is easier to forget, and pretend it never happened. It's the only way to acceptance...and I am back to - we need each other. That may be the message of my life. We need each other and we need to be needed.
I have been feeling like I am free-falling lately. I don't seem to know who I am or what I am supposed to be doing. I am trusting it, but I am uncomfortable...no, you know I just don't like it. I am not sure how to find myself...
But I love you...Clare
Monday, March 18, 2013
Violence is violence...not matter what form it takes
About the Steubenville verdict...I heard the report on NPR and they were much in line with our way of thinking...these are young men who saw no harm in violating and exploiting a young woman...for entertainment...not only their own...but for many others watching...bystanders, cheering and laughing at the 'antics'. They spoke of a petition demanding that CNN apologize for their misguided sympathies towards the perpetrators and the lack of mention of the young woman. They spoke up for her...pointing out her pain and suffering. I was proud to hear press speaking out against society's 'norms'.
I gave my older son an earful about the whole situation...about current attitudes and how they must change...and about my expectations of him, as a man...I think he hears me and understands.
I saw that note from Mom as well...it kind of answered my question about his whereabouts. I hope that he is getting professional help.
I would like to come up later in the month of May...we can arrange it later...but that would work well for me.
I heard an interview today of an 18 year old man who wrote a musical about his experience with bullying. He said something very profound and something that many people don't want to admit...
that interpersonal violence...not matter what form...is about control and taking power from another in order to make yourself feel more powerful.
One of my current frustrations with this whole concept of interpersonal violence is that each 'coalition' believes that its victims are unique and therefore require allocation of limited resources to treat their physical and psychological wounds. If we could all step back and see that violence- intentional and unintentional- affects us in a similar way...the whole cortisol axis shift...and that the only way to treat this is to STOP it from ever happening. It does begin with the separation from the mother...especially when we are separated during stressful times...like your son and my daughter. There isn't enough appreciation for the role that mothers have in the calming and sense of security felt by infants. I remember being told that she was too young to know if I was there or not...but I knew better...I knew her from the day she was conceived and had already spent 10 months loving her...so I spent 13 or more hours a day in that NICU...It was so difficult.
I believe that violence is violence...
and that resilience is having loving support from those around you...
particularly those who are your family.
When they fail to support and love you...
you are lost...
having to make it on your own...
disguising your faults and weaknesses...
becoming impenetrable emotionally...
it could have all been so different.
Even a little love and support would have made a huge difference...
but the maintenance of the family secrets was more important than our individual psyches...more valuable than each of us.
What a sad, sad statement that truly is.
Maybe that's the worst violence of all...failing to truly love and accept unconditionally.
That's all we ever wanted...all we ever needed.
But we were less valued than keeping the secrets.
I love you...
Maggie
I gave my older son an earful about the whole situation...about current attitudes and how they must change...and about my expectations of him, as a man...I think he hears me and understands.
I saw that note from Mom as well...it kind of answered my question about his whereabouts. I hope that he is getting professional help.
I would like to come up later in the month of May...we can arrange it later...but that would work well for me.
I heard an interview today of an 18 year old man who wrote a musical about his experience with bullying. He said something very profound and something that many people don't want to admit...
that interpersonal violence...not matter what form...is about control and taking power from another in order to make yourself feel more powerful.
One of my current frustrations with this whole concept of interpersonal violence is that each 'coalition' believes that its victims are unique and therefore require allocation of limited resources to treat their physical and psychological wounds. If we could all step back and see that violence- intentional and unintentional- affects us in a similar way...the whole cortisol axis shift...and that the only way to treat this is to STOP it from ever happening. It does begin with the separation from the mother...especially when we are separated during stressful times...like your son and my daughter. There isn't enough appreciation for the role that mothers have in the calming and sense of security felt by infants. I remember being told that she was too young to know if I was there or not...but I knew better...I knew her from the day she was conceived and had already spent 10 months loving her...so I spent 13 or more hours a day in that NICU...It was so difficult.
I believe that violence is violence...
and that resilience is having loving support from those around you...
particularly those who are your family.
When they fail to support and love you...
you are lost...
having to make it on your own...
disguising your faults and weaknesses...
becoming impenetrable emotionally...
it could have all been so different.
Even a little love and support would have made a huge difference...
but the maintenance of the family secrets was more important than our individual psyches...more valuable than each of us.
What a sad, sad statement that truly is.
Maybe that's the worst violence of all...failing to truly love and accept unconditionally.
That's all we ever wanted...all we ever needed.
But we were less valued than keeping the secrets.
I love you...
Maggie
Just a tad emotional today!
So the Steubenville rape verdict is in. I know you have seen it. And I know you have seen the news coverage. You have seen the news coverage of those poor young athletes being robbed of their futures. "It was so difficult to sit by them as they sobbed, and then to realize they will be identified as sex offenders for the rest of their lives."
Yet these promising young men took photos of an unconscious girl as they penetrated her and violated her. Was anyone disturbed by those images as they passed them onto others? Did anyone care enough to make statements about her future and the damage done to her? No! It was simply entertainment. And I know damn well if boys had not been brought to trial, and not been held accountable for their actions - they would be bragging. They would feel like conquerors until adulthood when maybe, just maybe, some morality would niggle in...or maybe they would have daughters they felt were valuable enough to protect. Okay, I don't know damn well, but it feels like a truth of many situations when a woman is raped. The man is - The Man, the victor, the conqueror. The woman is nothing - a prop.
I am angry. I am angry at the names thrown at the young woman - a slut. What are these young men? Isn't there something wrong with them and their view of sexuality? Their actions? Yet no one is calling them bad names. They are promising young athletes.
That is the rape culture of this violent society we live in. Women are not of value...It makes me nauseous!
Okay...deep breath...calm down...
Another subject...
Yes, I did find the connection between B#2 and S#3. Reading about your last, thinking about your second...then thinking about my third led me. My third was hospitalized after birth and had major surgery at 11 days old. I was not allowed to touch him for days. I was not allowed to hold him or nurse him for longer. I spent days next to his incubette with my hand on him, hoping he didn't feel alone. Physically, he recovered, but emotionally - not so fast. This sweet, loving, cooperative little boy would collapse into screaming sometimes. It would go on and on. I would hold him and rock him and try to hold his gaze. He would be rigid, screaming, until his body would collapse and he would start sobbing. Then it would be over. This was really hard because his dad was only home on weekends, so I had to deal with it alone. I remember one time, when he was 3, and it started, and I thought, "I can't do this." I was afraid I was going to hurt him. I put him on the back porch and told him to stay there until he was done yelling. I left him outside for several minutes while I calmed down, then when and got him. I hated myself, but I didn't hurt him. But it was so hard...tears are coming as I remember being alone with this. I didn't have anyone.
I did research and found that hospitalized babies have different levels of cortisol than babies who are not separated from their mamas. I found that his behavior was not abnormal. In fact his life-partner has a brother who was also hospitalized and showed similar traits, although his out of control was more violent and threatening than my sons's ever were.
In our sibling group - B#2 was repeatedly hospitalized for the asthma - all throughout his life. And because there were so many of us, I think he was just left at the hospital alone - Mom knew he was safe there. S#3 did not come home from the hospital because of her hips. Mom was sent home without her - and again we have another abandoned baby.
This separation from mama, from home, from the breast - it has to be the root of so much despair in life for so many of us. Then we had those child psychologists recommending more separation to make us tough. We are a sick and violent society.
Also, we know B#2 was sexually abused. We know it. Otherwise he never would have become an abuser. And it had to be so confusing, because he was dad's favorite child. Dad was awful to B#1 and even worse to B#3. B#4 was lucky - he was born while dad was gone. I think that is why he is less damaged than the other boys.
You're right - no mention of B#2. Life is back to normal. As long as no one is trying to kill themselves. we're fine! But Mom did mention that Cousin M. is going to visit his daughter and will stop to visit B#1 and B#2, so I think they are still close...that B#2 is settling with or near B#1.
In May - my closest friend from college (I love these code names we have come up with - you know exactly who I mean!) and I are potentially planning to go away the first weekend of May to celebrate my birthday, which I shared with her dad. We may go to a sheep show, since it is a shared interest. And my youngest is due to deliver on May 13. Otherwise, the month is wide open. When do you want to come?
Feeling a bit emotional today...Hope you are calm and feeling loved and appreciated!
Clare
Yet these promising young men took photos of an unconscious girl as they penetrated her and violated her. Was anyone disturbed by those images as they passed them onto others? Did anyone care enough to make statements about her future and the damage done to her? No! It was simply entertainment. And I know damn well if boys had not been brought to trial, and not been held accountable for their actions - they would be bragging. They would feel like conquerors until adulthood when maybe, just maybe, some morality would niggle in...or maybe they would have daughters they felt were valuable enough to protect. Okay, I don't know damn well, but it feels like a truth of many situations when a woman is raped. The man is - The Man, the victor, the conqueror. The woman is nothing - a prop.
I am angry. I am angry at the names thrown at the young woman - a slut. What are these young men? Isn't there something wrong with them and their view of sexuality? Their actions? Yet no one is calling them bad names. They are promising young athletes.
That is the rape culture of this violent society we live in. Women are not of value...It makes me nauseous!
Okay...deep breath...calm down...
Another subject...
Yes, I did find the connection between B#2 and S#3. Reading about your last, thinking about your second...then thinking about my third led me. My third was hospitalized after birth and had major surgery at 11 days old. I was not allowed to touch him for days. I was not allowed to hold him or nurse him for longer. I spent days next to his incubette with my hand on him, hoping he didn't feel alone. Physically, he recovered, but emotionally - not so fast. This sweet, loving, cooperative little boy would collapse into screaming sometimes. It would go on and on. I would hold him and rock him and try to hold his gaze. He would be rigid, screaming, until his body would collapse and he would start sobbing. Then it would be over. This was really hard because his dad was only home on weekends, so I had to deal with it alone. I remember one time, when he was 3, and it started, and I thought, "I can't do this." I was afraid I was going to hurt him. I put him on the back porch and told him to stay there until he was done yelling. I left him outside for several minutes while I calmed down, then when and got him. I hated myself, but I didn't hurt him. But it was so hard...tears are coming as I remember being alone with this. I didn't have anyone.
I did research and found that hospitalized babies have different levels of cortisol than babies who are not separated from their mamas. I found that his behavior was not abnormal. In fact his life-partner has a brother who was also hospitalized and showed similar traits, although his out of control was more violent and threatening than my sons's ever were.
In our sibling group - B#2 was repeatedly hospitalized for the asthma - all throughout his life. And because there were so many of us, I think he was just left at the hospital alone - Mom knew he was safe there. S#3 did not come home from the hospital because of her hips. Mom was sent home without her - and again we have another abandoned baby.
This separation from mama, from home, from the breast - it has to be the root of so much despair in life for so many of us. Then we had those child psychologists recommending more separation to make us tough. We are a sick and violent society.
Also, we know B#2 was sexually abused. We know it. Otherwise he never would have become an abuser. And it had to be so confusing, because he was dad's favorite child. Dad was awful to B#1 and even worse to B#3. B#4 was lucky - he was born while dad was gone. I think that is why he is less damaged than the other boys.
You're right - no mention of B#2. Life is back to normal. As long as no one is trying to kill themselves. we're fine! But Mom did mention that Cousin M. is going to visit his daughter and will stop to visit B#1 and B#2, so I think they are still close...that B#2 is settling with or near B#1.
In May - my closest friend from college (I love these code names we have come up with - you know exactly who I mean!) and I are potentially planning to go away the first weekend of May to celebrate my birthday, which I shared with her dad. We may go to a sheep show, since it is a shared interest. And my youngest is due to deliver on May 13. Otherwise, the month is wide open. When do you want to come?
Feeling a bit emotional today...Hope you are calm and feeling loved and appreciated!
Clare
Sunday, March 17, 2013
sensitivity is allergy and asthma
When I first had my youngest child and he was allergic to multiple foods and environmental items I was amazed...but not surprised. I didn't develop allergies until I was a teenager and his father doesn't have any. This child was also very reactive to his environment emotionally....he had incredibly angry outbursts...he had night terrors...but he could be overjoyed and full of love as well. I came to realize that he was highly sensitive to everything...he even sunburns too easily.
When you suggest a link between the allergies, asthma and sensitivity I think you are on to something. One of the implications of my research is not only will allergies be one of the outcomes, but also other low cortisol conditions like asthma, eczema, allergic rhinitis...I plan to look for all of those on the next research project.
I also do believe that low levels of resilience do have alot to do with outcomes. Those who are highly resilient can separate themselves from the experiences and judgements of others...but those with low levels of support and self-esteem are more vulnerable. I can see both of those forces affecting S#3 but don't see the connection to B#2...any insights?
I was inspired to do this research by the word 'hypervigilant'...people with PTSD are described as being hypervigilant and hyperaroused...reacting strongly to benign stimuli because of past trauma...that's what made me think that there may be a connection between abuse and allergy...a hypervigilance of the immune system...an oversensitivity to the environment.
The idea that our siblings had that feeling of doom and impending death before with their allergy and asthma history and therefore were not as fearful of that sensation is thought provoking. Were they 'groomed' by their past medical experiences to live closer to that edge? Perhaps...maybe that's another study to be done.
I had a very quiet and peaceful experience at Meeting this morning. I haven't felt that centered in a long time. I didn't have any inspirations...but perhaps that was a blessing...
when I do experience inspiration
I stop meditating and then contemplate and then evaluate and finally ruminate...
so it is too cerebral to center...
does that make sense??
I was speaking with a friend today who asked about my family...I realized that I don't even know where B#2 is living these days...I see no mention of him on any one's Facebook...Do you know where he is and if he is all right?
So when are we looking at 'playing' at your house? I am considering a board review course in May and I want to make sure it won't conflict.
I love you.
Blessings,
Maggie
When you suggest a link between the allergies, asthma and sensitivity I think you are on to something. One of the implications of my research is not only will allergies be one of the outcomes, but also other low cortisol conditions like asthma, eczema, allergic rhinitis...I plan to look for all of those on the next research project.
I also do believe that low levels of resilience do have alot to do with outcomes. Those who are highly resilient can separate themselves from the experiences and judgements of others...but those with low levels of support and self-esteem are more vulnerable. I can see both of those forces affecting S#3 but don't see the connection to B#2...any insights?
I was inspired to do this research by the word 'hypervigilant'...people with PTSD are described as being hypervigilant and hyperaroused...reacting strongly to benign stimuli because of past trauma...that's what made me think that there may be a connection between abuse and allergy...a hypervigilance of the immune system...an oversensitivity to the environment.
The idea that our siblings had that feeling of doom and impending death before with their allergy and asthma history and therefore were not as fearful of that sensation is thought provoking. Were they 'groomed' by their past medical experiences to live closer to that edge? Perhaps...maybe that's another study to be done.
I had a very quiet and peaceful experience at Meeting this morning. I haven't felt that centered in a long time. I didn't have any inspirations...but perhaps that was a blessing...
when I do experience inspiration
I stop meditating and then contemplate and then evaluate and finally ruminate...
so it is too cerebral to center...
does that make sense??
I was speaking with a friend today who asked about my family...I realized that I don't even know where B#2 is living these days...I see no mention of him on any one's Facebook...Do you know where he is and if he is all right?
So when are we looking at 'playing' at your house? I am considering a board review course in May and I want to make sure it won't conflict.
I love you.
Blessings,
Maggie
pessimistic thoughts...
I was just telling a friend about S#3's birthday, which culminated in her going home and being admitted to the hospital. Well, maybe it wasn't quite that concise, but I'm pretty guiltily sure that she picked up the cold that set off the asthma crisis from us. The friend asked some questions about asthma in the family, and I don't know why but for the first time I realized that our two sibs who tried to commit suicide are the two with asthma. (Someone has to state the obvious, and usually it's me, which doesn't make me look real bright, but the words get said...) Do you think there's a connection?
I was also thinking about your research linking abuse to allergies, and in our family allergies and asthma are certainly connected.
Do you think these two sibs are more sensitive to abuse than the rest of us? Or maybe less resilient? Or does more sensitive mean less resilient?
I was also wondering if that sensation of not being able to catch their breath, which has to feel like an impending sense of doom, has anything to do with their attempts...Like death has been lurking for years and years.
I guess I have been thinking about all those strikes against us that you listed a few days ago. And I have been observing the next generation and seeing that they are more fragile - is that a good word? - than we were. And that we have more health problems than mom and dad. I know it's partly from what our civilization has done to the environment. Our foods are poisoned and processed. Our air and water are dirty. It seems to be impossible to be healthy. But the abuse continues each generation, and there seems to be less resiliency.
I saw a quote that said the current generation may be the first ever to have a shorter life span than their parents. It's affecting us all. Guess I'm having a pessimistic day...
Hope your weekend is full of joy!
Clare
I was also thinking about your research linking abuse to allergies, and in our family allergies and asthma are certainly connected.
Do you think these two sibs are more sensitive to abuse than the rest of us? Or maybe less resilient? Or does more sensitive mean less resilient?
I was also wondering if that sensation of not being able to catch their breath, which has to feel like an impending sense of doom, has anything to do with their attempts...Like death has been lurking for years and years.
I guess I have been thinking about all those strikes against us that you listed a few days ago. And I have been observing the next generation and seeing that they are more fragile - is that a good word? - than we were. And that we have more health problems than mom and dad. I know it's partly from what our civilization has done to the environment. Our foods are poisoned and processed. Our air and water are dirty. It seems to be impossible to be healthy. But the abuse continues each generation, and there seems to be less resiliency.
I saw a quote that said the current generation may be the first ever to have a shorter life span than their parents. It's affecting us all. Guess I'm having a pessimistic day...
Hope your weekend is full of joy!
Clare
Saturday, March 16, 2013
and even more thoughts...
I remember talking to Grammy once, or I may be remembering a letter she sent me. She said that once she became an adult, she always just felt like herself. She never felt like she was any specific age. I knew she was right when I hit my mid-30s, and realized I had stopped being aware of my age at about 22. I think my personality was pretty set at that age. Age didn't really affect me at all until I was 48. I had my first child when I was 24, and when she turned 24, and I realized I had been her mom for half of my life - for some reason I felt that, I think I felt vulnerable.
I don't think I have ever been too concerned with dying. But I was never able to write a will, because there wasn't anyone I could ask to take my children and raise them the way I would. I really did not want to leave that job undone. I think my mortality hit my consciousness when my daughter was old enough to be a mom, too. They are all okay now, but I really don't feel done. I wonder if mothering is ever completed?!?!
It's strange, but having grandchildren definitely never created the same feelings. Instead their births created a sense of awe and continuation of the world.
But now, I plan to live to about 96, like Grandma, but to maintain an attitude of fun like Grammy.
I was thinking more about the male - female connection. I had an image of male facing female, as equals, maybe as lovers, and a third "cloud" or joined spirit above them. The triangle cycles vertically, as opposed to the other trinities that seem to cycle horizontally. Being fully aware, in love with the self connects us to the divine, maybe. And when we are full, we can connect to a partner, maybe, and feel the divine union, maybe...
Am I making any sense?
Love to you from Clare
I don't think I have ever been too concerned with dying. But I was never able to write a will, because there wasn't anyone I could ask to take my children and raise them the way I would. I really did not want to leave that job undone. I think my mortality hit my consciousness when my daughter was old enough to be a mom, too. They are all okay now, but I really don't feel done. I wonder if mothering is ever completed?!?!
It's strange, but having grandchildren definitely never created the same feelings. Instead their births created a sense of awe and continuation of the world.
But now, I plan to live to about 96, like Grandma, but to maintain an attitude of fun like Grammy.
I was thinking more about the male - female connection. I had an image of male facing female, as equals, maybe as lovers, and a third "cloud" or joined spirit above them. The triangle cycles vertically, as opposed to the other trinities that seem to cycle horizontally. Being fully aware, in love with the self connects us to the divine, maybe. And when we are full, we can connect to a partner, maybe, and feel the divine union, maybe...
Am I making any sense?
Love to you from Clare
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Just some thoughts for today
It's interesting...
I don't worry about being old...
I don't worry about being ill...
I don't imagine myself slowing down or being anything but what I am today.
I do understand that that will not be my reality...
but I look forward to my aging.
when I was much more centered (before my grad school experience) I wondered about Alzheimer's and dementia patients...
They are relatively healthy physically...
once they pass a certain point they no longer worry about being forgetful...
perhaps they are able to explore their own psyche without the distractions of daily life.
It's very difficult to care for a loved one with dementia...but I am not sure it is difficult to be demented.
When I hear about Stephen Hawkins and the amazing theories and ideas he has despite being physically disabled...
I just wonder what that would be like.
I still am intrigued by the trinitarian aspect of male/female/androgyne...
I will have to meditate on that one for a while...perhaps it is the merging of male and female- physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I hope that you have a wonderful day...
despite it getting cold again,
Love and Light,
Maggie
I don't worry about being old...
I don't worry about being ill...
I don't imagine myself slowing down or being anything but what I am today.
I do understand that that will not be my reality...
but I look forward to my aging.
when I was much more centered (before my grad school experience) I wondered about Alzheimer's and dementia patients...
They are relatively healthy physically...
once they pass a certain point they no longer worry about being forgetful...
perhaps they are able to explore their own psyche without the distractions of daily life.
It's very difficult to care for a loved one with dementia...but I am not sure it is difficult to be demented.
When I hear about Stephen Hawkins and the amazing theories and ideas he has despite being physically disabled...
I just wonder what that would be like.
I still am intrigued by the trinitarian aspect of male/female/androgyne...
I will have to meditate on that one for a while...perhaps it is the merging of male and female- physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I hope that you have a wonderful day...
despite it getting cold again,
Love and Light,
Maggie
the third part...
Grandma survived until...96? But she was deaf and blind by the time she died. I worry about that. We live a long time, at least on the paternal side, but we don't live well. We're not healthy and lively and engaged. Mom's side - everyone dies a lot younger. So, I don't know what to expect, or what exactly to worry about.
I was worried about S#3, though, just because it seemed to take her longer to bounce back.
We are all connected at soul level. And spiritually, we're probably not exactly male or female. Or maybe we are androgynous, a bit of each. But there is a reason we are female now. There is a reason we are fighting for women's rights, and trying to defend the environment. The feminine must somehow be elevated and respected. It can't just move with the male. I feel like I am having a hard time expressing this. We need the masculine to join with the feminine and bring the aspects into balance.
(When rereading, I had an image of men reaching down to help women up...it was gentle and joyful.)
I can remember being four years old - I remember the house - and watching the boys, and being so happy I wasn't one of them. It was such a clear thought - "I'm glad I am not a boy!" I am not a girly-girl, but there is something feminine in who I am.
Us and them, division and separation, is the root of violence, but maybe we only recognize the separation and the bigotry by defining it, by studying it, by recognizing it. That has to be the first step.
I remember when it became trendy to go see the male strippers in the 80s. Friends invited me to join them one night. But I remember thinking that I didn't like the exploitation and objectification of women, therefore I would not participate in doing that to men. Then when the man-bashing jokes become trendy in the late 90s, again, I realized that they were not funny, but instead rather violent. And so I didn't participate in that either.
I spent a lot of time considering the male - female - other part of self today. Female is maiden - mother - crone. Male must be boy/son - father - sage. I have often seen the two triangles atop each other, creating a hexagon of humanity. But what is the third part of male - female. When I consider sexual connection, the third would have to be something spiritual.
A friend said we are moving from a time of duality to a time of triality. But he has no idea what that means...
Guess we wait for inspiration!
Love and hugs and sweet dreams,
Clare
I was worried about S#3, though, just because it seemed to take her longer to bounce back.
We are all connected at soul level. And spiritually, we're probably not exactly male or female. Or maybe we are androgynous, a bit of each. But there is a reason we are female now. There is a reason we are fighting for women's rights, and trying to defend the environment. The feminine must somehow be elevated and respected. It can't just move with the male. I feel like I am having a hard time expressing this. We need the masculine to join with the feminine and bring the aspects into balance.
(When rereading, I had an image of men reaching down to help women up...it was gentle and joyful.)
I can remember being four years old - I remember the house - and watching the boys, and being so happy I wasn't one of them. It was such a clear thought - "I'm glad I am not a boy!" I am not a girly-girl, but there is something feminine in who I am.
Us and them, division and separation, is the root of violence, but maybe we only recognize the separation and the bigotry by defining it, by studying it, by recognizing it. That has to be the first step.
I remember when it became trendy to go see the male strippers in the 80s. Friends invited me to join them one night. But I remember thinking that I didn't like the exploitation and objectification of women, therefore I would not participate in doing that to men. Then when the man-bashing jokes become trendy in the late 90s, again, I realized that they were not funny, but instead rather violent. And so I didn't participate in that either.
I spent a lot of time considering the male - female - other part of self today. Female is maiden - mother - crone. Male must be boy/son - father - sage. I have often seen the two triangles atop each other, creating a hexagon of humanity. But what is the third part of male - female. When I consider sexual connection, the third would have to be something spiritual.
A friend said we are moving from a time of duality to a time of triality. But he has no idea what that means...
Guess we wait for inspiration!
Love and hugs and sweet dreams,
Clare
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
How do we make a trinity of Male-Female?
Hi Clare,
I too have been thinking about S#3, and her hospitalization...
she has always worried me, but more so as we get older.
I am reluctant to say that she is vulnerable to illnesses...I keep trying to rephrase that idea to make it sound nonjudgmental ...it's not intended to be.
With my recent research and literature searches I see the patterns...
I worry about all of us...
the Delana clan has many strikes...
genetics...
abuse...
addictions...
and unhealthy lifestyles.
Sometimes I find myself amazed that all 9 (or 11) of us are still alive.
As for the thoughts of male and female...
I understand what you are saying.
I am having trouble articulating my thoughts on this...
I do not believe that it is good to identify 'them' and 'us'...
because we are all connected at a soul level...
We have created the separation by becoming human and incarnating into a separate body.
If we can remember who we are...and where our true self (soul) remains...
Then we would treat each other as we want to be treated because we could see we are affecting ourselves with each interaction.
Male and female are different manifestations of the same energy...
but both are required for completeness...
Just as each being has a light and a shadow side...and each must be known to understand completely...
I think that by vilifying the male...just as we vilify the shadow...we are left incomplete.
Not only is that energy within each individual but within family, community, society, and so on...
I am thinking of trinities...
I like trinities...
they seem so complete...
and wondering if there is a third force necessary for completeness...
male/female/???
I will have to think about that one.
I was paging through the Gospel of Mary Magdalene tonight looking for references to androgyne...
the connection between male and female...but I was remembering incorrectly.
It talked about 'anthropos' or 'whole being'...
There was a beautiful quote that made me stop and consider...
The divine lover is spirit without body;
The physical lover is body without spirit;
The spiritual lover possesses spirit and body.
Fully human and fully spirit...simultaneously.
I'm not sure how that fits in with male/female...
but it is sticking with me...
so I offer it for your consideration.
Maybe it is that we are so much more than male/female.
Lots to think about...
In the Light,
Maggie
I too have been thinking about S#3, and her hospitalization...
she has always worried me, but more so as we get older.
I am reluctant to say that she is vulnerable to illnesses...I keep trying to rephrase that idea to make it sound nonjudgmental ...it's not intended to be.
With my recent research and literature searches I see the patterns...
I worry about all of us...
the Delana clan has many strikes...
genetics...
abuse...
addictions...
and unhealthy lifestyles.
Sometimes I find myself amazed that all 9 (or 11) of us are still alive.
As for the thoughts of male and female...
I understand what you are saying.
I am having trouble articulating my thoughts on this...
I do not believe that it is good to identify 'them' and 'us'...
because we are all connected at a soul level...
We have created the separation by becoming human and incarnating into a separate body.
If we can remember who we are...and where our true self (soul) remains...
Then we would treat each other as we want to be treated because we could see we are affecting ourselves with each interaction.
Male and female are different manifestations of the same energy...
but both are required for completeness...
Just as each being has a light and a shadow side...and each must be known to understand completely...
I think that by vilifying the male...just as we vilify the shadow...we are left incomplete.
Not only is that energy within each individual but within family, community, society, and so on...
I am thinking of trinities...
I like trinities...
they seem so complete...
and wondering if there is a third force necessary for completeness...
male/female/???
I will have to think about that one.
I was paging through the Gospel of Mary Magdalene tonight looking for references to androgyne...
the connection between male and female...but I was remembering incorrectly.
It talked about 'anthropos' or 'whole being'...
There was a beautiful quote that made me stop and consider...
The divine lover is spirit without body;
The physical lover is body without spirit;
The spiritual lover possesses spirit and body.
Fully human and fully spirit...simultaneously.
I'm not sure how that fits in with male/female...
but it is sticking with me...
so I offer it for your consideration.
Maybe it is that we are so much more than male/female.
Lots to think about...
In the Light,
Maggie
Empower
I don't think empowering women equates with disempowering men or anyone else. I think I mentioned my latest train of thought - that there are two types of humans. We may look alike, but there is a difference. We are either competitors or cooperators. I do think men and women are very different - I read somewhere that we are almost two separate subspecies. We think differently, we communicate differently. Our community, our society, our families are strongest and most moral and led most correctly when both visions are respected and listened to - equally. But it's not going to happen just because I notice this truth. Men have to realize the oppression of their position in society - they are oppressed, their feelings and emotions are denied and they are forced to work alone which is painful for someone who is tribal. They are not in a healthy place. They also need to see the results of this system and the impact it has on women, who are treated as of lesser value. Women must do the same and truly see the system. Then either men have to let women in or the whole power structure has to change.
And when I say men have to let women in, I do not mean that we get to have leadership positions when we act like them. We need to welcome the female vision, and let it work with, direct, make an impact on the male vision of leadership we have now.
But I do want to see them and us. I like some men, and understanding the way they see the world. It gives me something different to base my interpretations of the world on. I have a broader understanding.
I also spent a lot of time thinking about chastity. I understood what you wrote about the Quaker interpretation. But it doesn't sit easily with me. I looked at the etymology of the word chaste and found it is related to the words incest and caste. I think there are some words that have been pressed into religious books, but the source was not divine. I am beginning to think chaste/chastity is a good example.
Just had a long talk with someone about cancer last night. So the issue is on my mind. As is the hospitalization of S#3 early this week. I started to worry about her, but about many of us.
I miss you!
Love, Clare
And when I say men have to let women in, I do not mean that we get to have leadership positions when we act like them. We need to welcome the female vision, and let it work with, direct, make an impact on the male vision of leadership we have now.
But I do want to see them and us. I like some men, and understanding the way they see the world. It gives me something different to base my interpretations of the world on. I have a broader understanding.
I also spent a lot of time thinking about chastity. I understood what you wrote about the Quaker interpretation. But it doesn't sit easily with me. I looked at the etymology of the word chaste and found it is related to the words incest and caste. I think there are some words that have been pressed into religious books, but the source was not divine. I am beginning to think chaste/chastity is a good example.
Just had a long talk with someone about cancer last night. So the issue is on my mind. As is the hospitalization of S#3 early this week. I started to worry about her, but about many of us.
I miss you!
Love, Clare
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
We
I just got back from a visit with some friends in my Masters program. I don't have class with them this semester because I am taking macro classes (policy and administration)...it was so nice to see them. A friend...just 2 years older than me told me she has breast cancer...she had a lumpectomy, but with unclear margins so she is going to have a mastectomy. She has decided (with her doctor's OK) that she will wait until after graduation to have the surgery.
So scary...
so close to home...
I do understand the need to reclaim the power and dignity of the feminine...
but if we do it at the expense of the masculine then we are no more moral or noble than the present male to female attitudes...
I was talking with one of my professors, a male...and discussing the disconnect and how that plays into interpersonal violence...and our need to connect and see our interdependence with each other and all of the beings as well as the earth itself. We need to throw away the 'them' and 'us'...and just see 'we'.
I am going to bed...I was out about an hour and a half longer than I expected...and I need to get some sleep. I have a 3 hour appointment to get my car serviced tomorrow am...I will check in then.
Love and Light,
Maggie
So scary...
so close to home...
I do understand the need to reclaim the power and dignity of the feminine...
but if we do it at the expense of the masculine then we are no more moral or noble than the present male to female attitudes...
I was talking with one of my professors, a male...and discussing the disconnect and how that plays into interpersonal violence...and our need to connect and see our interdependence with each other and all of the beings as well as the earth itself. We need to throw away the 'them' and 'us'...and just see 'we'.
I am going to bed...I was out about an hour and a half longer than I expected...and I need to get some sleep. I have a 3 hour appointment to get my car serviced tomorrow am...I will check in then.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, March 11, 2013
I am worthy...
I don't know if my youngest is content to work in the winery. I do know she is comfortable there. And she is afraid to push herself, afraid of not being good enough - takes after her mama! I do know that pushing her won't get her or the rest of us anywhere. And so I stopped to consider - what if this is what she does. Is it so bad? I think I asked the questions for myself. She has always said she wants more, but if she doesn't go for it, then this is what it is - her life. Is is acceptable? Is it good enough? If I answer yes, then maybe I will relax and let her do whatever she wants. She can go to school in her 30s or 40s, if that's how long it takes her to get there.
(and by writing that, perhaps I have still not let go...maybe I am still judging, and not loving unconditionally)
I think this is more about me, than it is about her.
We are all one. I have been feeling something new when I go outside. I feel my feet on the Earth, and realize I am a living being, standing on a living being, being part of a living being. The problem is that our society has divided us. I am just a girl, not as valuable as a boy. If I see us all as moving forward, we all seem to move forward at the same pace. Life is better, but I am still just a girl. I think we need to see the divine of being female. We aren't going to get it through this culture. Without disempowering or disparaging men, we need to step aside and stand in our power as women - all women, all beautiful, different than men - a different beauty, a different power, a complementary power.
Something the Italian medical professional told me is that when a man is accused of rape, which happens rarely because a women's word is not valued by the police, the women in his family will stand with him and attest that he would never do such a thing. Women need to stand together, face men and reflect how the men really behave. We do need to stand together as one beautiful unit, to allow men to see who they are.
I think we can see our family for exactly who we all are, and love them and still stand aside. We can be with them, part of the family, without joining the crazy that says we are all just fine. We can have our little bonfire on the edge of the swamp and visit with everyone while keeping our feet clean, and out of the muck. We can listen without buying into the blindness. It's easy when we only see each other for a day every few years.
I just went to the Omega website and ordered their catalog. Of course, I would love to see Brene Brown in person! When do we have to decide by? We have a tentative agreement to go to Quebec at the beginning of the month. You may be on Clare-overload by the end of the month.
The little meditation I have been doing is to go outside and feel my feet on the Earth. I acknowledge that I am alive and part of a living system. I flex my knees and remind myself that I can move. I feel the red chakra and feel that I am here, all parts of me are here. I feel the orange chakra and feel I am part of a community, related to others, involved with others. Then I move to the yellow chakra and feel the power of making choices, I can reach for what I want. I move to the green chakra and know, I am worthy. This is still a challenge, but I am working on it. I move to the blue, and realize I have something to say. I move to my third eye and know that I understand. I move to my crown and remember I am of the stars. All of the beautiful, luminous ingredients that made the starts made me! Then I have energy surrounding me, protecting me. It feels nice - then I walk!
I hope you have a loving, happy, homey evening,
Love you little sister!!
Clare
(and by writing that, perhaps I have still not let go...maybe I am still judging, and not loving unconditionally)
I think this is more about me, than it is about her.
We are all one. I have been feeling something new when I go outside. I feel my feet on the Earth, and realize I am a living being, standing on a living being, being part of a living being. The problem is that our society has divided us. I am just a girl, not as valuable as a boy. If I see us all as moving forward, we all seem to move forward at the same pace. Life is better, but I am still just a girl. I think we need to see the divine of being female. We aren't going to get it through this culture. Without disempowering or disparaging men, we need to step aside and stand in our power as women - all women, all beautiful, different than men - a different beauty, a different power, a complementary power.
Something the Italian medical professional told me is that when a man is accused of rape, which happens rarely because a women's word is not valued by the police, the women in his family will stand with him and attest that he would never do such a thing. Women need to stand together, face men and reflect how the men really behave. We do need to stand together as one beautiful unit, to allow men to see who they are.
I think we can see our family for exactly who we all are, and love them and still stand aside. We can be with them, part of the family, without joining the crazy that says we are all just fine. We can have our little bonfire on the edge of the swamp and visit with everyone while keeping our feet clean, and out of the muck. We can listen without buying into the blindness. It's easy when we only see each other for a day every few years.
I just went to the Omega website and ordered their catalog. Of course, I would love to see Brene Brown in person! When do we have to decide by? We have a tentative agreement to go to Quebec at the beginning of the month. You may be on Clare-overload by the end of the month.
The little meditation I have been doing is to go outside and feel my feet on the Earth. I acknowledge that I am alive and part of a living system. I flex my knees and remind myself that I can move. I feel the red chakra and feel that I am here, all parts of me are here. I feel the orange chakra and feel I am part of a community, related to others, involved with others. Then I move to the yellow chakra and feel the power of making choices, I can reach for what I want. I move to the green chakra and know, I am worthy. This is still a challenge, but I am working on it. I move to the blue, and realize I have something to say. I move to my third eye and know that I understand. I move to my crown and remember I am of the stars. All of the beautiful, luminous ingredients that made the starts made me! Then I have energy surrounding me, protecting me. It feels nice - then I walk!
I hope you have a loving, happy, homey evening,
Love you little sister!!
Clare
moving forward...rediscover chastity
I think that if your youngest is content with working in a winery that is where she should stay...I guess my reservation with that statement is that she told me many times how she wanted so much more...education, travel, adventure. I hope that she is content and not find herself bored or with regrets in a few years which means the baby will lose out.
I loved the quote about all women being connected...but I picture all beings connected...men, women, animals, etc...to me the whole of that connection is the sacred. I think that if we separate men and women as different energies we will lose the connections even more so. We need to redefine relationships...remove the stereotypical attitudes about beings because of their chromosome patterns. I am in a class with a very slight young man, he is engaged to be married. We were talking about physical abuse in relationships...and he innocently shared that his fiancée hits him...he couldn't see that behavior as abnormal. I think we have to redefine normal, healthy, nurturing relationship. I was reading in a Quaker newsletter about sexuality. They defined 'chaste' as a mutually caring, non-exploitative, consensual relationship...we all need to rediscover chastity....heck I always thought it meant someone imposing their belief that sex was bad and therefore you should avoid it at all cost to yourself.
I sent a letter of interest and my CV to a local university for consideration as a faculty member (full time) in the social work department, it would allow me to do research and potentially organize students to advocate...I saw the posting on Saturday and spent all evening, yesterday, updating my CV and writing a cover letter. I have no idea what their reaction will be, but I have asked two people who are well known to that department to write letters for me...so hopefully that will convince them that my lack of social work experience isn't too big a hurdle to overcome. I also asked the head of my current department...because I thought it was a good idea, and also because I don't think that he believes that I probably won't be teaching biology next year.
It is true, what you pulled out of my last post...accepting our parents for who they are seems to be a necessary hurdle to get over. I will hold that and see where it leads me. I am just scared of being pulled back into the denial and pretenses. I just want to stay on the saner side of life for a while...you know?
So Brene Brown is going to be at Omega, in Rhinebeck, NY in September (20 - 22) as part of a women and power retreat...want to go with me? I am so tempted to go to multiple retreats...drumming, shamanism, empowerment... Let me know.
I love you...
Maggie
I loved the quote about all women being connected...but I picture all beings connected...men, women, animals, etc...to me the whole of that connection is the sacred. I think that if we separate men and women as different energies we will lose the connections even more so. We need to redefine relationships...remove the stereotypical attitudes about beings because of their chromosome patterns. I am in a class with a very slight young man, he is engaged to be married. We were talking about physical abuse in relationships...and he innocently shared that his fiancée hits him...he couldn't see that behavior as abnormal. I think we have to redefine normal, healthy, nurturing relationship. I was reading in a Quaker newsletter about sexuality. They defined 'chaste' as a mutually caring, non-exploitative, consensual relationship...we all need to rediscover chastity....heck I always thought it meant someone imposing their belief that sex was bad and therefore you should avoid it at all cost to yourself.
I sent a letter of interest and my CV to a local university for consideration as a faculty member (full time) in the social work department, it would allow me to do research and potentially organize students to advocate...I saw the posting on Saturday and spent all evening, yesterday, updating my CV and writing a cover letter. I have no idea what their reaction will be, but I have asked two people who are well known to that department to write letters for me...so hopefully that will convince them that my lack of social work experience isn't too big a hurdle to overcome. I also asked the head of my current department...because I thought it was a good idea, and also because I don't think that he believes that I probably won't be teaching biology next year.
It is true, what you pulled out of my last post...accepting our parents for who they are seems to be a necessary hurdle to get over. I will hold that and see where it leads me. I am just scared of being pulled back into the denial and pretenses. I just want to stay on the saner side of life for a while...you know?
So Brene Brown is going to be at Omega, in Rhinebeck, NY in September (20 - 22) as part of a women and power retreat...want to go with me? I am so tempted to go to multiple retreats...drumming, shamanism, empowerment... Let me know.
I love you...
Maggie
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Quotes and Thoughts and Leadings, maybe
I love those moments when I open my mouth and wisdom comes out, when I say things I never knew that I...knew. Then I hear my truth and recognize it. So, do you want Mom in your life? Because you just taught both of us that if we want her, we accept her the way she is, and we love her just the way she is. We are never going to get a different kind of Mommy. Just as I can't have a do-over with my kids, although I desperately wish I could.
I was thinking about my youngest. Her eldest sibling is pushing her, and I thought, what if she works in the winery for the rest of her life? She likes it there, and they treat their employees very fairly - like family. What if she has a baby, eventually settles down and has another and a family and she never goes to school. It is good enough, and in fact it is good. It would be a good life.
I do understand regret though, and living a big life, or failing to live a big life. I have turned my back on opportunity, because I was afraid. Not afraid, but afraid that I was unworthy. I love to sing Make You Feel my Love, by Bob Dylan. It is a lullaby for my younger grandson - who now yells if I try to sing it, because he is conditioned to fall asleep when I sing it. There's a line: The storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the highway of regret...Those words grabbed me by the heart the first time I heard them, and continue to affect me everytime I hear them.
I had an interesting day yesterday, also. It was International Women's Day, which is celebrated almost everywhere but here. It started here, though, as part of the fight for women's rights. But we don't even know that the rest of the world is celebrating womanhood.
I had a distressing conversation with a female medical professional from Italy. I learned that 1,200 Italian women were murdered by the men in their lives last year. We figured that was about four women every day. Many more are raped and beaten and abused. And I was still thinking about the rape victims in Islamic culture who must be disposed of to save a family's honor, and the children who are raped in Africa to cure men of AIDS and those who are attacked just because they are there, and the shame-rapes in Eastern Europe...where rape was a weapon of war.
Then I read this quote...
All women are one. There is only One Woman on the planet. Each time a woman has this realization she becomes powerful beyond her wildest dreams. The fears that have been the divisive illusions of the female experience fall away in the remembering of our Oneness. There is nothing to compete for. All women, young and old, are the embodiment of the Goddess. All are Love. -Shannon Port
And I saw this:
“I am not free while any woman is unfree, even when her shackles are very different from my own.” -Audre Lorde
And I remembered. When I was a teen, I could recite this poem. It always meant so much to me.
No Man Is An Island
No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
-John Donne
And all I can think is that we have to stop this. This hidden war on women and children, which is destroying our men. It has to stop. There has to be a peaceful revolution of courage and witness.
Yet I spend so much time being afraid. When will my outrage be more powerful than my conditioned cowardice? That is when I will know what to do.
Today is a beautiful day to go spend time with the horses. I will have my grandbabies later this afternoon. They always bring joy with them!
Love and joy and peace and hugs from Clare
A surprising day
Yesterday was big for me...in surprising ways.
At the office of my internship, a young woman also works...she is in professional school...trying to make her way despite many similarities with my life story.
She was very upset because of car trouble that was leaving her feeling quite vulnerable and unprepared...but the real, deep root of the reason that she was upset was that her family, particularly her mother had accompanied her when she bought the car 3 months ago...but sat reading a magazine while the young woman looked at it and negotiated it...she failed to help her make a big decision...and now the mother is saying, "I told you so"..."Why did you rush into that decision?", etc.
The young woman looked me in the eye and said, "Love your kids, help your kids...'cause if you don't it leaves them really messed up."
We spent a long time sharing stories...I was surprised that I told her that if she wanted her mother to be in her life she would have to accept her as she is. That she can only change her mind and thoughts. That her mother was probably coming from a very 'flawed' place and that she is doing the best that she can do under the circumstances. I did share that her tears are good...and that she shouldn't try to bury them or the emotions that stimulate them. I told her how numb I am...how I am working with a counselor to find those emotions within myself and feel again...and how hard it is to live numb and isolated.
I then had a long conversation with another young woman about goals and dreams and how when windows of opportunity open you are safe to go through them. I spoke about my going to college and our sisters who got married right away. I actually spoke of your youngest daughter and her opportunities, first as a nanny and then as a classroom assistant, and how she didn't take them....and how her life might look like if she had. We talked about choices...we all have free will to make those choices, and then we are required to live with the consequences of those choices for a long time.
And then last night we watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower...about a young man...dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse by his aunt...it was heartbreaking.
Alot to think about. I will be back later. Right now it is time for ThunderBay
love and Light,
Maggie
At the office of my internship, a young woman also works...she is in professional school...trying to make her way despite many similarities with my life story.
She was very upset because of car trouble that was leaving her feeling quite vulnerable and unprepared...but the real, deep root of the reason that she was upset was that her family, particularly her mother had accompanied her when she bought the car 3 months ago...but sat reading a magazine while the young woman looked at it and negotiated it...she failed to help her make a big decision...and now the mother is saying, "I told you so"..."Why did you rush into that decision?", etc.
The young woman looked me in the eye and said, "Love your kids, help your kids...'cause if you don't it leaves them really messed up."
We spent a long time sharing stories...I was surprised that I told her that if she wanted her mother to be in her life she would have to accept her as she is. That she can only change her mind and thoughts. That her mother was probably coming from a very 'flawed' place and that she is doing the best that she can do under the circumstances. I did share that her tears are good...and that she shouldn't try to bury them or the emotions that stimulate them. I told her how numb I am...how I am working with a counselor to find those emotions within myself and feel again...and how hard it is to live numb and isolated.
I then had a long conversation with another young woman about goals and dreams and how when windows of opportunity open you are safe to go through them. I spoke about my going to college and our sisters who got married right away. I actually spoke of your youngest daughter and her opportunities, first as a nanny and then as a classroom assistant, and how she didn't take them....and how her life might look like if she had. We talked about choices...we all have free will to make those choices, and then we are required to live with the consequences of those choices for a long time.
And then last night we watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower...about a young man...dealing with the aftermath of sexual abuse by his aunt...it was heartbreaking.
Alot to think about. I will be back later. Right now it is time for ThunderBay
love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Mindset
Oh Honey,
I completely agree with you. But I am so glad I made the hair stand up on the back of your neck.
I don't even like to kill insects, so you know there is no way I would participate in, or even condone any kind of honor killing. But I wanted to shock...someone, anyone. I want people to stop thinking the victims are left dirty, nothing more than garbage, and realize the dishonor lies completely with the perpetrator. A man who fails to protect women and children has no honor. The attacker is the one who has lost humanity. And if any rapist suddenly saw the situation differently - I destroyed someone, I deserve to be destroyed...then there is the seed of change.
I want those men (and I know sexual abusers can also be women, but overwhelmingly - it's men.) to stop and consider being stoned or burned alive, or buried alive - any of those horrible things we have read about. I want those gangs of boys who raped and photographed that girl in Ohio to develop some empathy and know it could happen to them. And in fact it is more likely to, because they just created a world more seeped in violence.
We need to change mindset. That was why the change in prostitution laws in Sweden was so powerful and so effective.
When I finally told Mom that I had been raped, years after the fact, she told Dad and asked if he could still accept me, or if he thought any different of me. They should both have been wondering if they could accept themselves. They were given the gift of daughters and they did not value nor protect the gifts...at least not for three of us. We were treated like discardable rubbish. But, they did let us live...
And I do agree with you that all violence has the same root. Whoever fails to see that domestic violence and bullying are not the same is wearing blinders, and has a motive for not seeing it - probably protecting self from pain. Bottom line - violence provokes and seeds more violence. And people will do anything to stop the pain. And I believe that by listening, we can help people recover their innate humanity. Those who have been damaged need to be acknowledged while they discharge their pain. Then they don't need to numb. And they can begin to recognize that others are here, and we all have feelings and desires - mostly for connection and acceptance.
I loved the passion of your response. It was perfect.
Love and hugs,
Clare
I completely agree with you. But I am so glad I made the hair stand up on the back of your neck.
I don't even like to kill insects, so you know there is no way I would participate in, or even condone any kind of honor killing. But I wanted to shock...someone, anyone. I want people to stop thinking the victims are left dirty, nothing more than garbage, and realize the dishonor lies completely with the perpetrator. A man who fails to protect women and children has no honor. The attacker is the one who has lost humanity. And if any rapist suddenly saw the situation differently - I destroyed someone, I deserve to be destroyed...then there is the seed of change.
I want those men (and I know sexual abusers can also be women, but overwhelmingly - it's men.) to stop and consider being stoned or burned alive, or buried alive - any of those horrible things we have read about. I want those gangs of boys who raped and photographed that girl in Ohio to develop some empathy and know it could happen to them. And in fact it is more likely to, because they just created a world more seeped in violence.
We need to change mindset. That was why the change in prostitution laws in Sweden was so powerful and so effective.
When I finally told Mom that I had been raped, years after the fact, she told Dad and asked if he could still accept me, or if he thought any different of me. They should both have been wondering if they could accept themselves. They were given the gift of daughters and they did not value nor protect the gifts...at least not for three of us. We were treated like discardable rubbish. But, they did let us live...
And I do agree with you that all violence has the same root. Whoever fails to see that domestic violence and bullying are not the same is wearing blinders, and has a motive for not seeing it - probably protecting self from pain. Bottom line - violence provokes and seeds more violence. And people will do anything to stop the pain. And I believe that by listening, we can help people recover their innate humanity. Those who have been damaged need to be acknowledged while they discharge their pain. Then they don't need to numb. And they can begin to recognize that others are here, and we all have feelings and desires - mostly for connection and acceptance.
I loved the passion of your response. It was perfect.
Love and hugs,
Clare
violence is just wrong
Hello,
So your definition of honor killings made the hair stand up on the back of my neck...
We need to change all attitudes about violence...
even towards the perpetrators...
many perpetrators are previously abused...acting from habits...familial patterns
Instead of killing or hurting anyone we can try compassion.
I love the image you shared before about the native Americans who circle the person and help them to see their errors...but also their innate worth and worthiness to belong...to realign with nonviolent, compassionate living.
I dislike the feminist approach to perpetrators...they are all bad...always making conscious decisions to control and hurt...always in control of their actions.
Some people, and I would dare say that many perpetrators of violence, are so cut off from their own soul that they fail to consider their actions and the consequences of them.
I believe that they are acting from a place of isolation and disconnect and so they don't consider the other.
They are that black hole that you describe in the alcoholic...so caught up in their own pain that they don't see the victim.
I am not suggesting that they are not responsible...they are...but there are confounding issues at work...like mental illness...like abnormal brain development because of their early life experiences...like substance abuse...it's not a simple one for one responsibility.
I understand feminist's anger, but their lack of holistic understanding confuses me.
I was recently told that domestic violence and rape isn't like child abuse and bullying...because of the long history of patriarchal dominance and maltreatment...what the hell is child abuse and bullying but the same energy on a different playing field. Interpersonal violence is consistently a control issue...across the board.
I just don't understand the need to silo each type of offense...then it takes multiple coalitions to fight one great wrong...violence..instead of turf wars between rape crisis, DV, child abuse advocates, etc.
Sorry, I'm on my soap box...
More tomorrow,
Maggie
So your definition of honor killings made the hair stand up on the back of my neck...
We need to change all attitudes about violence...
even towards the perpetrators...
many perpetrators are previously abused...acting from habits...familial patterns
Instead of killing or hurting anyone we can try compassion.
I love the image you shared before about the native Americans who circle the person and help them to see their errors...but also their innate worth and worthiness to belong...to realign with nonviolent, compassionate living.
I dislike the feminist approach to perpetrators...they are all bad...always making conscious decisions to control and hurt...always in control of their actions.
Some people, and I would dare say that many perpetrators of violence, are so cut off from their own soul that they fail to consider their actions and the consequences of them.
I believe that they are acting from a place of isolation and disconnect and so they don't consider the other.
They are that black hole that you describe in the alcoholic...so caught up in their own pain that they don't see the victim.
I am not suggesting that they are not responsible...they are...but there are confounding issues at work...like mental illness...like abnormal brain development because of their early life experiences...like substance abuse...it's not a simple one for one responsibility.
I understand feminist's anger, but their lack of holistic understanding confuses me.
I was recently told that domestic violence and rape isn't like child abuse and bullying...because of the long history of patriarchal dominance and maltreatment...what the hell is child abuse and bullying but the same energy on a different playing field. Interpersonal violence is consistently a control issue...across the board.
I just don't understand the need to silo each type of offense...then it takes multiple coalitions to fight one great wrong...violence..instead of turf wars between rape crisis, DV, child abuse advocates, etc.
Sorry, I'm on my soap box...
More tomorrow,
Maggie
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Redefine it
OK, so our first mission is going to be create new definitions.
A virgin is someone who has not yet decided to engage in vaginal intercourse. Rape and incest and abuse do not determine virginity.
An honor killing is when a family is honor bound to kill any man who could be so bestial as to hurt any woman or child, especially by sexual assault. These men, upon recognizing their own inhumanity must commit suicide or the family must ... I don't know, what do they do to their assaulted daughters - burn them alive? stone them? Recognizing that the woman are innocent, the family must thereby recognize the culprit and do what is fair to maintain the family's honor.
Creative outercourse is going to become mandatory sex education until we figure out how to bond vulnerability and pleasure and intimacy all into one juicy place again. Young men will become attentive lovers, and stop simply banging anything they can corner. People will look down on the manhood and prowess of anyone who engages in any sexual behavior that is not transparent, consensual and between equals.
It doesn't matter what our brothers did to you as a child. It doesn't matter what our father, or maybe even uncles did. You were a virgin when you were a teen. I want you to own that. I want you to redefine yourself, to see yourself the way you were before the memories destroyed them.
I'm still not feeling well. I was up a lot last night. So my thoughts are still not as coherent as possible.
Hopefully I'll be back to normalish tomorrow...
Love you little sister...
Clarre
A virgin is someone who has not yet decided to engage in vaginal intercourse. Rape and incest and abuse do not determine virginity.
An honor killing is when a family is honor bound to kill any man who could be so bestial as to hurt any woman or child, especially by sexual assault. These men, upon recognizing their own inhumanity must commit suicide or the family must ... I don't know, what do they do to their assaulted daughters - burn them alive? stone them? Recognizing that the woman are innocent, the family must thereby recognize the culprit and do what is fair to maintain the family's honor.
Creative outercourse is going to become mandatory sex education until we figure out how to bond vulnerability and pleasure and intimacy all into one juicy place again. Young men will become attentive lovers, and stop simply banging anything they can corner. People will look down on the manhood and prowess of anyone who engages in any sexual behavior that is not transparent, consensual and between equals.
It doesn't matter what our brothers did to you as a child. It doesn't matter what our father, or maybe even uncles did. You were a virgin when you were a teen. I want you to own that. I want you to redefine yourself, to see yourself the way you were before the memories destroyed them.
I'm still not feeling well. I was up a lot last night. So my thoughts are still not as coherent as possible.
Hopefully I'll be back to normalish tomorrow...
Love you little sister...
Clarre
good memories
I understand what you are saying about the exploration of another. When I was in my college days, before I remembered any of this abuse, I still thought that I was a virgin. I had a wonderful, 4+ years relationship with a man who respected the fact that I wanted to remain a virgin. We knew each other well.
We knew each other...we talked of dreams and imagined together...we planned for the future...
we knew each other physically because we explored, slowly...without the threat of crossing that line...without the threat of exploiting the other...it was mutual...and not anything about immediate gratification...and it was fun. I refer to it as "creative outercourse"...is that too graphic???
Maybe I've crossed the line writing that down.
We broke up and moved on...but he will always be my first love...
because he respected me, treated me as an equal, and didn't push.
we had the opportunity to talk a few years ago...the nice thing is that after 25 years there was no shame...no regrets for what we did...it was very positive.
I just flashed back to B#1's high school girlfriend...telling me that I was going to be the world's oldest virgin when I was 16...the competition to pull each other down is insidious...especially between women...I remember writing and sharing that with you when you were at college. I remember how nice it was to have someone to share that with.
Chickens are a disturbing animal...I remember reading about de-beakers...removing their beaks so they wouldn't peck each other and cause serious bodily harm...but I believe that only happens in captivity...when we've disrespected their natural instincts...exploit them for their ability to create 'products' for us...and then kill them when they are no longer valuable or cost-effective.
What a world...to discard things when they are no longer 'cost-effective'...I stopped practicing medicine after I had my third child...I was told that I wasn't 'cost-effective' unless I practiced full time...and I was unwilling to work more than 16 hours a week...years of training and honing my skills and talents...and I was no longer 'cost-effective'.
Don't be too upset by that last part...it was a blessing in disguise...it opened the door to 13 years as a stay home mom...years that I will cherish...even though they were the most demanding of my life.
I am glad that you danced and sang...despite not feeling well. I hope that you continue it as you move forward.
I spent yesterday beginning the writing for my research...I took all day to write 5 pages...I am trying to write very deliberately and logically. I have a stack of journal articles to back up my ideas and read and re-read many of them. I think I have put together some simple ideas that explain a lot...I hope that others can see that as well.
I love you. Get some rest and drink lots of tea.
I hope that you feel better...
Maggie
We knew each other...we talked of dreams and imagined together...we planned for the future...
we knew each other physically because we explored, slowly...without the threat of crossing that line...without the threat of exploiting the other...it was mutual...and not anything about immediate gratification...and it was fun. I refer to it as "creative outercourse"...is that too graphic???
Maybe I've crossed the line writing that down.
We broke up and moved on...but he will always be my first love...
because he respected me, treated me as an equal, and didn't push.
we had the opportunity to talk a few years ago...the nice thing is that after 25 years there was no shame...no regrets for what we did...it was very positive.
I just flashed back to B#1's high school girlfriend...telling me that I was going to be the world's oldest virgin when I was 16...the competition to pull each other down is insidious...especially between women...I remember writing and sharing that with you when you were at college. I remember how nice it was to have someone to share that with.
Chickens are a disturbing animal...I remember reading about de-beakers...removing their beaks so they wouldn't peck each other and cause serious bodily harm...but I believe that only happens in captivity...when we've disrespected their natural instincts...exploit them for their ability to create 'products' for us...and then kill them when they are no longer valuable or cost-effective.
What a world...to discard things when they are no longer 'cost-effective'...I stopped practicing medicine after I had my third child...I was told that I wasn't 'cost-effective' unless I practiced full time...and I was unwilling to work more than 16 hours a week...years of training and honing my skills and talents...and I was no longer 'cost-effective'.
Don't be too upset by that last part...it was a blessing in disguise...it opened the door to 13 years as a stay home mom...years that I will cherish...even though they were the most demanding of my life.
I am glad that you danced and sang...despite not feeling well. I hope that you continue it as you move forward.
I spent yesterday beginning the writing for my research...I took all day to write 5 pages...I am trying to write very deliberately and logically. I have a stack of journal articles to back up my ideas and read and re-read many of them. I think I have put together some simple ideas that explain a lot...I hope that others can see that as well.
I love you. Get some rest and drink lots of tea.
I hope that you feel better...
Maggie
Monday, March 4, 2013
Chicken!
I still feel rotten.
But since I wrote last evening, I have been thinking about chickens. If there is more than one rooster in a hen house, they will repeatedly rape the hens to declare dominance. The hens are usually minding their own business, when a rooster jumps on their backs. There is lots of squawking and the rooster prances away. If there is more than one rooster, most of the hens will have scabbed bloody backs.
That is what I see with some of the sexual interactions among humans. The men feel so belittled by our culture that they prove their manhood by jumping any female they can catch. They are so distanced from their own humanity that they can't tell the difference between rape and participatory sex.
Then there is the pecking order. Chickens competitively rank each member of the flock. We did that in school. We are allowed to do this - no adult ever stopped us. And in fact, by instituting the Red Birds, Blue Birds and Yellow Birds, we were taught to identify status and classify each other. That violence and bullying is intrinsic in the system and no one recognizes it.
Of all the species possible on this beautiful Earth, why do we behave like captive chickens? We need a new role model for our humanity!!!
Early bed for me...
Love you,
Clare
But since I wrote last evening, I have been thinking about chickens. If there is more than one rooster in a hen house, they will repeatedly rape the hens to declare dominance. The hens are usually minding their own business, when a rooster jumps on their backs. There is lots of squawking and the rooster prances away. If there is more than one rooster, most of the hens will have scabbed bloody backs.
That is what I see with some of the sexual interactions among humans. The men feel so belittled by our culture that they prove their manhood by jumping any female they can catch. They are so distanced from their own humanity that they can't tell the difference between rape and participatory sex.
Then there is the pecking order. Chickens competitively rank each member of the flock. We did that in school. We are allowed to do this - no adult ever stopped us. And in fact, by instituting the Red Birds, Blue Birds and Yellow Birds, we were taught to identify status and classify each other. That violence and bullying is intrinsic in the system and no one recognizes it.
Of all the species possible on this beautiful Earth, why do we behave like captive chickens? We need a new role model for our humanity!!!
Early bed for me...
Love you,
Clare
Sunday, March 3, 2013
redefining sex
We did have fun. I sang twice, and thought I sounded awful, but was told I was good. One shock was when a close friend grabbed my hand and dragged me out on the dance floor. I panicked and grabbed my oldest son's mother-in-law's hand and made her come too. And I danced.
This week my youngest had a sinus infection, and my grandson had a stomach bug. I fought the valiant fight, but after everyone left this morning, I succumbed to both at once. This will probably be a short post.
I spent time reading through Project Unbreakable. I was angry and shocked and not surprised at all. I was thinking about what I would write on mine...which I may do. I am also going to show my young friend and see if she would like to do the same. But a thought came to me...how many of these perpetrators consider themselves rapists? I think we have become so distanced from what sex is and how it is to be used, the gift and the sacredness, that anything is okay. Any body they can catch and use, it's okay. There are quotes about other partners being better, giving me the impression that some men can't tell the difference between participation and avoidance, shrinking away in fear, paralysis of terror. Like these people don't even know about consent, cooperation, participation. We need to be completely reeducated about sex, obviously.
The adults preying on children - well, my violent reaction is - if you don't know how to use 'em, you can't have 'em...balls, mostly. Castration works for me. But I would never admit that I harbor such violence in my soul.
When I talked to my kids about sex, I tried to teach them that there is a long and varied spectrum of sexuality. And it's good to explore it all. Media tells us get in there for "real" or it's not - real. We focus on outcome only, then walk away - so we don't actually have to be vulnerable. So many people don't seem to have lovers any more. Just sex partners. I tried to tell them to practice all of the fun things we can do before we get to actual intercourse (wish I could find a better word...feels like Mom awkwardly trying to do her duty and make sure I knew about sex while not actually say anything about sex.) I told them it would make them better lovers. One of my children had the audacity to push fingers into ears and sing, "I don't want to hear this from my mother."
Part of what we need to do is redefine sex as being between consenting equals with transparent relationships. No drama may equal boring, but the drama of vulnerability between two would make it worth while. And make it all healthy.
You talk about wallowing in victimhood - I recognize it because I do it. That is our form of disrespect. We have it, too. It's all a matter of degree.
My head aches...
Later...With love,
Clare
This week my youngest had a sinus infection, and my grandson had a stomach bug. I fought the valiant fight, but after everyone left this morning, I succumbed to both at once. This will probably be a short post.
I spent time reading through Project Unbreakable. I was angry and shocked and not surprised at all. I was thinking about what I would write on mine...which I may do. I am also going to show my young friend and see if she would like to do the same. But a thought came to me...how many of these perpetrators consider themselves rapists? I think we have become so distanced from what sex is and how it is to be used, the gift and the sacredness, that anything is okay. Any body they can catch and use, it's okay. There are quotes about other partners being better, giving me the impression that some men can't tell the difference between participation and avoidance, shrinking away in fear, paralysis of terror. Like these people don't even know about consent, cooperation, participation. We need to be completely reeducated about sex, obviously.
The adults preying on children - well, my violent reaction is - if you don't know how to use 'em, you can't have 'em...balls, mostly. Castration works for me. But I would never admit that I harbor such violence in my soul.
When I talked to my kids about sex, I tried to teach them that there is a long and varied spectrum of sexuality. And it's good to explore it all. Media tells us get in there for "real" or it's not - real. We focus on outcome only, then walk away - so we don't actually have to be vulnerable. So many people don't seem to have lovers any more. Just sex partners. I tried to tell them to practice all of the fun things we can do before we get to actual intercourse (wish I could find a better word...feels like Mom awkwardly trying to do her duty and make sure I knew about sex while not actually say anything about sex.) I told them it would make them better lovers. One of my children had the audacity to push fingers into ears and sing, "I don't want to hear this from my mother."
Part of what we need to do is redefine sex as being between consenting equals with transparent relationships. No drama may equal boring, but the drama of vulnerability between two would make it worth while. And make it all healthy.
You talk about wallowing in victimhood - I recognize it because I do it. That is our form of disrespect. We have it, too. It's all a matter of degree.
My head aches...
Later...With love,
Clare
Saturday, March 2, 2013
unbreakable
I hope that you sing your heart out tonight...and dance.
I hope that you have a great time with Sister#3...
and that she thoroughly enjoys her birthday celebration.
I was doing some searching today...for funding sources...and came across an incredible project by a young woman. It is called Project Unbreakable (www.projectunbreakable.tumbler.com ). She travels around with a photo exhibit that she is creating of women who are survivors of abuse and/or rape, each is asked to write a quote from their abuser on a large white poster board and hold it up for the picture...some cover their faces...others stare directly into the camera...it is powerful...and heartbreaking...let me know what you think if you look at it. I wrote an email inviting her to my university...the website said that she is traveling over the next 2 months and she's from NY...it's possible.
The lack of respect may be a deep lack of connection.
When you describe your ex's wanting to be close but not trusting...
of being afraid or unwilling to let anyone in...that describes me as well.
I am fighting to get out of the isolation...
fighting to be vulnerable...
but the flip side of that is that for 50 years I have been separated...
that damned wall built around my heart has done a remarkable job protecting me...
but it takes alot of courage to dismantle it.
It is sad that some (or most) of us choose to numb...
again important for survival, but making authenticity really difficult...
with alcohol, or drugs, or food, or sex, or busyness...
pick your poison.
Is that numbing the root of our disconnection?
If we don't allow ourselves to feel, or to truly see the other, then it doesn't matter how we treat them...
perhaps we treat them as we feel we deserve to be treated because of the messages we heard long ago when we trusted the world, and our families, and the teachers, and the clergy...
and the list goes on and on.
The problem is that almost all of us are Me Too's but we're too numb to disclose it...
too ashamed, too isolated...
seemingly stuck all alone in the swamp...
not realizing that we are not alone...
it's just too murky to see the others.
About my forgiveness effort (for lack of a better term) I am amazed how many times I find myself sliding into the "they owe me" mindset...it is really toxic. It feels so good to wallow there, with a sense of superiority because I was "wronged" and they are "at fault"...it really is the swamp...pulling you into that muddy bottom that just might be quicksand. So I have caught myself, numerous times, and I have consciously stopped the train of thoughts. I just acknowledge that it is no longer my burden and move along. It is really challenging...but getting easier.
I love you.
Blessings,
Maggie
I hope that you have a great time with Sister#3...
and that she thoroughly enjoys her birthday celebration.
I was doing some searching today...for funding sources...and came across an incredible project by a young woman. It is called Project Unbreakable (www.projectunbreakable.tumbler.com ). She travels around with a photo exhibit that she is creating of women who are survivors of abuse and/or rape, each is asked to write a quote from their abuser on a large white poster board and hold it up for the picture...some cover their faces...others stare directly into the camera...it is powerful...and heartbreaking...let me know what you think if you look at it. I wrote an email inviting her to my university...the website said that she is traveling over the next 2 months and she's from NY...it's possible.
The lack of respect may be a deep lack of connection.
When you describe your ex's wanting to be close but not trusting...
of being afraid or unwilling to let anyone in...that describes me as well.
I am fighting to get out of the isolation...
fighting to be vulnerable...
but the flip side of that is that for 50 years I have been separated...
that damned wall built around my heart has done a remarkable job protecting me...
but it takes alot of courage to dismantle it.
It is sad that some (or most) of us choose to numb...
again important for survival, but making authenticity really difficult...
with alcohol, or drugs, or food, or sex, or busyness...
pick your poison.
Is that numbing the root of our disconnection?
If we don't allow ourselves to feel, or to truly see the other, then it doesn't matter how we treat them...
perhaps we treat them as we feel we deserve to be treated because of the messages we heard long ago when we trusted the world, and our families, and the teachers, and the clergy...
and the list goes on and on.
The problem is that almost all of us are Me Too's but we're too numb to disclose it...
too ashamed, too isolated...
seemingly stuck all alone in the swamp...
not realizing that we are not alone...
it's just too murky to see the others.
About my forgiveness effort (for lack of a better term) I am amazed how many times I find myself sliding into the "they owe me" mindset...it is really toxic. It feels so good to wallow there, with a sense of superiority because I was "wronged" and they are "at fault"...it really is the swamp...pulling you into that muddy bottom that just might be quicksand. So I have caught myself, numerous times, and I have consciously stopped the train of thoughts. I just acknowledge that it is no longer my burden and move along. It is really challenging...but getting easier.
I love you.
Blessings,
Maggie
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