Broken hearts?

I could related some of the totem message to you also.  I have found that reading these is always interesting - there's always some insight I would never find on my own.

So glad you are falling back into a normal schedule.  I know you'll miss your daughters, though.  Time to let the slowness of winter settle in...

I don't laugh enough either.  It's funny, though, I always associate you and S#3 with laughter.  You two always seem to be having fun, and getting people to lighten up!  Brene did say that pain and joy come from the same source.  You block one, you lose the other.


So, today I found an article that has made me stop and think:

http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/february-13/why-love-literally-hurts.html

Basically, being ostracized causes physical pain.  Taking analgesics can relieve the pain.  So can having a romantic partner.  And when I think about my kids when they were young, so can a mother.

I have been thinking about having an overly busy, exhausted mother.  That causes exclusion, being left alone, feeling on the outside.  I have long thought that I have a broken heart - sort of figuratively, or almost poetically. . Maybe I really do, and maybe this is the source.  It was so easy to feel alone in our family - sort of invisible in that crowd of kids and chaos.  I wonder if people with broken hearts have more of a chance of having cardiovascular problems.  For some reason, Grammy is on my mind.

I am thinking about the ways we numb - our forms of self-medicating.  Maybe if  we stop isolating ourselves, we wouldn't need to numb.  But it is so painful to expose oneself, to be vulnerable.  And we've learned to be quieted, soothed in an alone place with lots of chocolate!

A sink of dirty dishes awaits me.  I'll have to think about my daily authenticity.  I've been eating fresh fruit...

Love and hugs and laughter,

Clare

returning to normal routines

I love the goose totem meanings…I can relate to several of those.

I spent most of my day catching up on trainings I need before the semester starts…
lab safety is pretty boring…
but it's done.

I had son#2 home with a headache.
I took son#1 and a friend to the mountain to snowboard after school.
It was a busy day focused on everyone but me.
I don't like days like that.

Daughter#1 went back to school today. Daughter #2 returns on Sunday. Then it's back to our regular schedule and routines. It will be good to return to normal, but I will miss my girls.
A friend is having lumpectomy tomorrow…please hold her in the Light.

Things are quiet with the boys…I need a break from the drama.
One thing that I've learned from all of this is that if I stay with the difficult emotions and feelings I also get to experience happiness and light-hearted moments as well…I laughed so hard I almost wet myself the other day…I don't laugh very often.
I need to laugh more…and cry more.

my authenticity today was making apple sauce from scratch…apples, honey, cinnamon and water…it's the best I could do.

Love and Light,
Maggie

I WIll Always Love You

My youngest and I learned to lead AVP workshops - exploring ways to respond to violence that don't perpetuate violence.  When your youngest stood up and sang, I Will Always Love You - he nailed it.  It was a perfect response!  What a great kid!

The worst birthday memory I have is of what I did to my child.  My oldest went to stay with S#5 one year, to watch our B-in-law's daughters from his first marriage.  The girls are almost the same age, so there wasn't much respect to be had for mine.  My child was having a stressful summer.  I called on the birthday - Yay Mom! to announce that my marriage was ending.  Whenever there was a worst birthday ever contest amongst peers, my child won!  I still beat myself up over that one.  I was so self-centered.

I was very self-centered, caught in my pain at that time...in the last few years before we split.  I understand dysfunction from both sides - from receiving inept, careless parenting to distributing similar...

My other worst birthday memory was when I was in college.  Friends went away for the weekend and let me use their apartment.  I spent the whole weekend alone, and didn't tell anyone where I was.  My roommate had bought a big ice cream cake for me - as a surprise, and was furious with me for not coming home. What I think of now, was that I had given her a surprise party for her birthday, but wouldn't allow anyone to give me anything for mine.  I really remember how angry she was, and I really didn't understand.

I remember that I just wanted to think.  I loved being alone.  I grew up with so many sibs, then had 4 or 5 roommates - alone was like a miracle!  I still don't mind alone.  I have great capacity to be alone.

I don't remember ever liking my birthday too much.  I think it ties to Dad and his attitude that we are all pains in the ass who drain his resources and make his life miserable with our endless noise and endless demands.  He let me live - that wasn't enough - I wanted a birthday gift too?

I saw the photo of your goose.  What a great gift!  I think it is appropriate for this part of your adventure!  I looked up the meaning of a goose totem.  It means:

Communication Imprinting Your Life Path

A Goose totem reflects a stimulation of childhood thrills and the belief in stories and legends. The stories we loved as children often reflect our life quest. Think about the stories that affected you the most and see what in them you took into your adult life. The Goose also helps in communication, especially with the written word. It is also a symbol of fertility and marital fidelity. Goose people have an innate belief that there is just one special person for each one. Since Geese are vegetarians, those with a Goose totem should always incorporate plenty of vegetables into their diet. The Goose was a sacred bird in the Roman temples of Juno; associated with the North Wind in Greek Mythology; and the totem for the Winter Solstice for the Native Americans. Their honking call speaks of the fulfilled promises that great quests bring. (http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/goose.htm)

Addendum

I just posted and then saw your post…
I remember one birthday, I think I was 16…at a swim team practice until past dinner time…when I came home they had all eaten and cleaned up…Mom looked at me long and hard and then said…"Oh my, it's your birthday isn't it?" That's epitomizes my birthday memories…pretty much being forgotten…or overlooked.

I dislike my birthday…particularly celebrating it. I am better just quietly giving the day a nod…and moving on.

Lots of love,
Maggie

Birthday update

Clare,

We all wish we had parents who cared for and about us…
I sat in on my first treatment team today…
it is heartbreaking to hear about how incredibly dysfunctional families are…
how self-centered parents are…
ignoring their kids needs because they have their own gaping holes left from crappy childhoods.
It makes me want to cry…
and yet it makes me come to a better understanding of my/our own experiences.

Today was a good day.
My girls and I got our nails done…
and then we sat around…
I candled their ears…
we had a good time talking.
The boys are home tomorrow…
schools cancelled due to the brutal cold…
they've gone to school 1 and a half day since 12/22. They are bored and need to get out….
but I have plans for tomorrow with 3 trips to a town about 25 miles away.

Oh well, at least the girls are home to keep an eye on their brothers.

Last night we played games…
Son#1 got angry at son#2 because he messed up the Operation board…
he was yelling things that weren't very nice…
son#2 just stood up and sang "and I'll always love you" in his best Whitney Houston voice.
We all stopped and just laughed. It was great.

I got a flying goose for my birthday…
it's a life-sized goose…
carved from wood…
with joints wings that flap up and down…
it was made by a friend's husband locally…pretty cool.

Love and Light,
Maggie

It's your birthday!

Happy Birthday Little Sister,

I hope the universe is showering you with love and joy.  Are you enjoying your birthday?  Do you usually?  I tend to be embarrassed when made the center of anything.

I am trying to remember birthdays past, and can't remember much of anything.  We seldomly did much for birthdays.  I fell into the same patterns with my kids - low key celebrations.  Usually I couldn't afford too much, so we didn't have a lot of parties, except immediate family with dinner and a cake.

Do you remember any birthdays at all?

My strongest memory is that we took the Christmas tree down on your birthday.  I had planned to do that, but instead, I moved firewood into the house - because tomorrow is going to be cold.  Maybe this weekend...

I used to be friends with someone who celebrated her birthday alone each year.  For her it was a day of introspection, of evaluating the past year.  She has sort of drifted out of my life, like so many others.  But if you were going to evaluate the past year, what would you say were the highlights?  What are the things that stay with you, that you will have to work on this year?

From here, it looked like you tackled another year.  There is nothing passive about you.  You go after what you want.  It always impresses me.  I wonder where you got that - it's not a common trait in our family.  And you are always brave enough to be blunt and honest.  Another strange trait.  The rest of us tend to pussyfoot around the issues. You are definitely the warrior...is that an archetype you recognize and embrace?

Are you ready to face 52?  (Do you have any choice??)  I have found that even years are more balanced in my life than odd years.  I hope the same is true for you!

I leave you with lots of love and admiration.

Clare

Sit with it

We must accept it all or reject it all...or as much as we can.  As I accept, I find I uncover more and more of what's there.  But I really respect your observation that you have to sit with all the emotions when going through this rough period with your sons.

I am so afraid to commit to the workshop, although I am interested.  I always think things will be better in the near future, but as events get closer, I am still mired in this situation of no car and weekend babysitting.  I have a feeling I am blocking myself, but I still don't know how to sidestep myself.

I'll get there.  I'll get free!!

I think all of my kids wish they had a father.  My youngest son was able to tell his dad that a lot of his youth was difficult because his father just wasn't there.  He managed to be straightforward and let his dad know he was hurt.  Their relationship has improved since then.  I think my ex had the wisdom to listen and accept what his son said.

For some reason he is not as attached to our middle son or youngest daughter.  He used to be so hurt because his parents played favorites.  Now he does the same.  But he can't see himself or the damage and pain he creates.  There are days when I just want to smack him!  Then I remember I am a pacifist.

It's been years since I worked through the Myss book and identified my archetypes.  I had a notebook full of notes.  It would be interesting to do it again.

I loved your last paragraph.  Our messages are hidden, then teased out by others around us.  That is why we need each other!

Thinking of you on the eve of your birthday.  Thinking about how young and vibrant you are.  Hoping you have a fabulous year ahead!

Love you lots,

Clare