Clare,
I am glad to hear that your house is settling and peaceful for the time being.
You are right about the cycles that we are living through....tough cycles that despite our best intentions draw us into unhealthy situations and relationships.
I did not go to the Spring gathering for my meeting this past weekend, and I am glad that I did not. My family needed me. We had a crisis that made me, and all of us, aware of how easily people get distracted onto unhealthy paths. Son #1 was arrested for possession of a very small amount of pot. But, we faced it full on...everyone was home and aware of the problem....and they each stepped up to support and hold each other. It made me sad that we had to do this, but at the same time very glad to know that we can and did. I am not sure what is going to happen legally, but we are trying to cooperate to lessen charges. I am worried, but not anxious.
I talked extensively to all of my kids about addictions and abusing substances this weekend, and in the past...they know the saga of the Delana addictions...but here is another one making poor choices. He will get help and counseling...he will be loved and supported, but he will have to face any consequences that arise.
I am glad that I have you to support me and to turn to.
I wish you a very happy birthday...and yes make some plans.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, May 6, 2013
my annular return
good morning maggie,
between trying to heal my wrist and having my daughter want to spend more time with me, it's getting harder and harder to get here. i think perhaps your impending graduation is keeping you busy, too.
it's my birthday again. last year i had the strongest sense that i should go to grad school. it seemed like an ideal way to open more options in my life. but the financial crap stopped me. i have not been able to find a way through.
my birthday has always been a quiet, reflective day. i try to think about what i have accomplished, besides simply sliding through another year. what's different...i feel like i am in transition. i feel like things are changing, but i'm not quite seeing them. i think that comes from our steady experience of revelation in the work we are doing here. we are challenging each other to think, analyze, remember, be aware. some days this is hard work - the writing and sharing. some days the hard job is showing up. but mostly i look forward to reading your words and seeing where they take me. a lot of days this work with you is delight...
so - here i am - same house - i love it, same job - i enjoy it, still struggling with money, still being a hermit. how does that feed me? i have to be learning something or i wouldn't live like this. a few friendships have changed. i remain hidden, and full of self-loathing and fear as far as romance goes. i was peripherally involved in my youngest's drama resulting in a three-generational, all female household.
i feel like i got through another year. i didn't celebrate it, though.
my daughter has been showing an amazing amount of confidence for a first time mom. she has definitely been bonding with her daughter. that has been sweet and successful.
my kids spent yesterday with me. they gave me the gift of time and labor - plus some flowers and seeds for the garden. it was so sweet. they are so wonderful. i am so lucky.
mom let us star in the weekly family letter. we got headlines for baby and for broken wrist. s#5 sent a quick note asking about us saying she would love to see a picture. i responded with our little explanation about keeping mention or photo of baby off of social media. delana drama, the next generation. i started thinking about the key players and realized it is the girl cousins, but it's the daughters of sisters, but even more specifically it's the daughters of the three of us who married and divorced alcoholics.
since we are all about secrets and superficial facades of happy family, i don't know what is really happening in the other families. but when the girls get pregnant we hear enough to know they are choosing abusive or addicted males - i can't call any of them men.
so, happy birthday to me. i wonder what will happen during this next ride around the sun. should i make plans or is that foolish?????
love to you this gorgeous spring day...clare
between trying to heal my wrist and having my daughter want to spend more time with me, it's getting harder and harder to get here. i think perhaps your impending graduation is keeping you busy, too.
it's my birthday again. last year i had the strongest sense that i should go to grad school. it seemed like an ideal way to open more options in my life. but the financial crap stopped me. i have not been able to find a way through.
my birthday has always been a quiet, reflective day. i try to think about what i have accomplished, besides simply sliding through another year. what's different...i feel like i am in transition. i feel like things are changing, but i'm not quite seeing them. i think that comes from our steady experience of revelation in the work we are doing here. we are challenging each other to think, analyze, remember, be aware. some days this is hard work - the writing and sharing. some days the hard job is showing up. but mostly i look forward to reading your words and seeing where they take me. a lot of days this work with you is delight...
so - here i am - same house - i love it, same job - i enjoy it, still struggling with money, still being a hermit. how does that feed me? i have to be learning something or i wouldn't live like this. a few friendships have changed. i remain hidden, and full of self-loathing and fear as far as romance goes. i was peripherally involved in my youngest's drama resulting in a three-generational, all female household.
i feel like i got through another year. i didn't celebrate it, though.
my daughter has been showing an amazing amount of confidence for a first time mom. she has definitely been bonding with her daughter. that has been sweet and successful.
my kids spent yesterday with me. they gave me the gift of time and labor - plus some flowers and seeds for the garden. it was so sweet. they are so wonderful. i am so lucky.
mom let us star in the weekly family letter. we got headlines for baby and for broken wrist. s#5 sent a quick note asking about us saying she would love to see a picture. i responded with our little explanation about keeping mention or photo of baby off of social media. delana drama, the next generation. i started thinking about the key players and realized it is the girl cousins, but it's the daughters of sisters, but even more specifically it's the daughters of the three of us who married and divorced alcoholics.
since we are all about secrets and superficial facades of happy family, i don't know what is really happening in the other families. but when the girls get pregnant we hear enough to know they are choosing abusive or addicted males - i can't call any of them men.
so, happy birthday to me. i wonder what will happen during this next ride around the sun. should i make plans or is that foolish?????
love to you this gorgeous spring day...clare
Friday, May 3, 2013
Like versus Love
like versus love...
I remember when I wrote the song Graceful Spirit I toyed with the line "those I love and those I don't"...I eventually changed it to "those I like and those I don't because I reasoned that we are meant to love everyone, but only like a select few. Love is more universal and depends only upon the fact that there is that of the divine within all. Your statement about loving a select group because they show up resonates more with me if you change it to liking them. I have a choice to like or not...love is a necessity to our existence...it is the deep connection that we all have, but all spend endless amounts of energy denying...so that we can be "rugged individualists" and great individuals.
So today, I was cleaning up because my girls are both home this weekend...and I found myself dancing to the music that was playing in the background...it was such fun. I had to check to make sure that no one was watching...I was alone...but it felt good, sweeping, folding clothes, mopping...all to light hearted music.
I've been walking daily for the past 10 days or so...I love to walk...but my hip and knee are really aching...I refuse to believe that this could be arthritis...I refuse to believe that I am old enough to have joint problems...but I may have to admit it enough to wear a supportive knee sleeve in order to continue to walk. Before grad school I was doing 5 to 6 miles a day split between a morning and evening walk. I loved it. Now I am doing 3 miles and aching the rest of the day. One great bonus is that I am sleeping really well. It feels good to sleep soundly.
I have had some really good conversations with my kids this week...what a great week.
Spending time together is allowing the conversation to flow, naturally. I am glad that my life is slowing down, at least for a little while...to strengthen the connection.
Thanks for being connected to me...I appreciate your love and support more than I can say.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I remember when I wrote the song Graceful Spirit I toyed with the line "those I love and those I don't"...I eventually changed it to "those I like and those I don't because I reasoned that we are meant to love everyone, but only like a select few. Love is more universal and depends only upon the fact that there is that of the divine within all. Your statement about loving a select group because they show up resonates more with me if you change it to liking them. I have a choice to like or not...love is a necessity to our existence...it is the deep connection that we all have, but all spend endless amounts of energy denying...so that we can be "rugged individualists" and great individuals.
So today, I was cleaning up because my girls are both home this weekend...and I found myself dancing to the music that was playing in the background...it was such fun. I had to check to make sure that no one was watching...I was alone...but it felt good, sweeping, folding clothes, mopping...all to light hearted music.
I've been walking daily for the past 10 days or so...I love to walk...but my hip and knee are really aching...I refuse to believe that this could be arthritis...I refuse to believe that I am old enough to have joint problems...but I may have to admit it enough to wear a supportive knee sleeve in order to continue to walk. Before grad school I was doing 5 to 6 miles a day split between a morning and evening walk. I loved it. Now I am doing 3 miles and aching the rest of the day. One great bonus is that I am sleeping really well. It feels good to sleep soundly.
I have had some really good conversations with my kids this week...what a great week.
Spending time together is allowing the conversation to flow, naturally. I am glad that my life is slowing down, at least for a little while...to strengthen the connection.
Thanks for being connected to me...I appreciate your love and support more than I can say.
Love and Light,
Maggie
direction and chaos and other light subjects
as always, you make thought-provoking points. at meeting, sometimes the disconnect is simply being tired. sometimes we are not truly a community. i often feel a lack of unity, or of a sense of being joined. but many times i think it comes down to our ongoing attempts to be egalitarian. no one wants to step forward, tell others what to do, to be a leader/boss. so everyone is sort of waiting for direction. we have been talking about and trying to develop the gift of eldering, of spiritual companionship, in our regional meeting. part of that is the gift of discerning and naming friend's gifts. when we have an idea of what our gifts are, it is easier to serve.
maybe instead of a cooperation/competition issue, it is really lack of direction. and exhaustion.
the reason we love a select group is because they are the people who show up!
i was thinking about chaos once, and realized that chaos is that moment when all possibilities are...possible. once you make a decision, chaos diminishes. it is frightening to have everything flying at you, circling around you, at once. but it's exciting. our problem is that the chaos of an alcoholic home taught us to control as much as possible, and to fear chaos. or else we got lost in the chaos and never found our way out...not sure which i am. either way, it is frightening.
i do not need to have surgery. it was such a relief to hear that. i really felt the weight lifting. i have been using herbs aggressively - it's fun to treat someone who does what i say! apparently it is healing fast. i go back in a week to have it casted - for a month. then a brace and physical therapy. i need to confer with my granddaughter about the color of the cast. i do believe there is a plan involving sparkles for decorating me.
i have been sitting and holding the teeny one. she has such spirit. i can feel it streaming out of her. i am remembering mine when they were tiny. i feel warm and cozy, yet sad - i miss it.
gotta find a plastic bag and duct tape so i can shower.
love you, clare
maybe instead of a cooperation/competition issue, it is really lack of direction. and exhaustion.
the reason we love a select group is because they are the people who show up!
i was thinking about chaos once, and realized that chaos is that moment when all possibilities are...possible. once you make a decision, chaos diminishes. it is frightening to have everything flying at you, circling around you, at once. but it's exciting. our problem is that the chaos of an alcoholic home taught us to control as much as possible, and to fear chaos. or else we got lost in the chaos and never found our way out...not sure which i am. either way, it is frightening.
i do not need to have surgery. it was such a relief to hear that. i really felt the weight lifting. i have been using herbs aggressively - it's fun to treat someone who does what i say! apparently it is healing fast. i go back in a week to have it casted - for a month. then a brace and physical therapy. i need to confer with my granddaughter about the color of the cast. i do believe there is a plan involving sparkles for decorating me.
i have been sitting and holding the teeny one. she has such spirit. i can feel it streaming out of her. i am remembering mine when they were tiny. i feel warm and cozy, yet sad - i miss it.
gotta find a plastic bag and duct tape so i can shower.
love you, clare
Thursday, May 2, 2013
disconnect
I actually did wonder if that reference to "need a break" was in poor taste, but I let it slide.
I like the policy of rotating committees. Our committees do seem to be burdensome...hospitality complains that people are standing around talking while they want to clean up, no one shows up for house committee clean up, no one is willing to be on care and concern or outreach because it means talking to people...perhaps it is time for a shake up.
I made a bold statement to that effect today in an email about RE and the need for an equitable distribution of responsibilities...I was surprised that others felt similarly...I actually felt supported which was nice. It all comes down to connection, as you have said before. People want to belong, but they don't want to invest themselves in order to make it happen. Why do we humans do this? Is it protective...because it seems to be the root of abuse and exploitation? It is the reason that we compete instead of cooperate...that we work at against each other rather than collaborate. The reason that we can only love a select few humans rather than loving all beings...and probably the reason that we continue to love and cling to people who mistreat us.
So how are you all coping with broken bones and new babies? You must be frustrated, not being able to hold her with both hands. I am sure that you will figure it out...you are motivated.
I don't like the dreams that I am having...I am a control person...definitely not comfortable with chaos. I am trying to clean up my space, mentally and physically from the past 4 years of work and study and putting life off. I spent today transferring my computer contents onto flash drives to clean up that space. Tomorrow I will go through the mountain of papers that I have held onto. It feels good to put things away or recycle them to create more space for new ideas, creativity, etc.
I hope that you are healing and that your pain is much less. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I like the policy of rotating committees. Our committees do seem to be burdensome...hospitality complains that people are standing around talking while they want to clean up, no one shows up for house committee clean up, no one is willing to be on care and concern or outreach because it means talking to people...perhaps it is time for a shake up.
I made a bold statement to that effect today in an email about RE and the need for an equitable distribution of responsibilities...I was surprised that others felt similarly...I actually felt supported which was nice. It all comes down to connection, as you have said before. People want to belong, but they don't want to invest themselves in order to make it happen. Why do we humans do this? Is it protective...because it seems to be the root of abuse and exploitation? It is the reason that we compete instead of cooperate...that we work at against each other rather than collaborate. The reason that we can only love a select few humans rather than loving all beings...and probably the reason that we continue to love and cling to people who mistreat us.
So how are you all coping with broken bones and new babies? You must be frustrated, not being able to hold her with both hands. I am sure that you will figure it out...you are motivated.
I don't like the dreams that I am having...I am a control person...definitely not comfortable with chaos. I am trying to clean up my space, mentally and physically from the past 4 years of work and study and putting life off. I spent today transferring my computer contents onto flash drives to clean up that space. Tomorrow I will go through the mountain of papers that I have held onto. It feels good to put things away or recycle them to create more space for new ideas, creativity, etc.
I hope that you are healing and that your pain is much less. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
in little letters
there will be no capital letters in tonight's post. my left hand is immobilized, i am exhausted. we had a baby on monday. mother and child are doing well. i spent last night in the hospital. that's more like it. i was able to ignore my fracture and tend someone else.
tomorrow, i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. i will discover the next step.
last night, in the sort of dark in the hospital, with an aching wrist, i felt totally alone. i am tired. i am afraid.
today someone i know, not well, but whom i care about, told me she has unrelated tumors in her liver, breast and stomach, i believe. suddenly surgery doesn't seem so daunting.
things are going to be tough around here with two of us needing to accept help - although my daughter is good at asking for and accepting help.
i do understand your description of friends' dependence on your talent and willingness to work with youth. we rotate people off committees after a specific number of years to avoid burnout, and to be reminded what work is being done by friends. maybe you could suggest a similar policy.
zombie dreams - i am shocked! i am so far out of common culture, i still don't know what that is all about. the rest, the chaos, maybe that's just not being able to see what's next.
must sleep...much love...clare
i need a break...is that a pun?
tomorrow, i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon. i will discover the next step.
last night, in the sort of dark in the hospital, with an aching wrist, i felt totally alone. i am tired. i am afraid.
today someone i know, not well, but whom i care about, told me she has unrelated tumors in her liver, breast and stomach, i believe. suddenly surgery doesn't seem so daunting.
things are going to be tough around here with two of us needing to accept help - although my daughter is good at asking for and accepting help.
i do understand your description of friends' dependence on your talent and willingness to work with youth. we rotate people off committees after a specific number of years to avoid burnout, and to be reminded what work is being done by friends. maybe you could suggest a similar policy.
zombie dreams - i am shocked! i am so far out of common culture, i still don't know what that is all about. the rest, the chaos, maybe that's just not being able to see what's next.
must sleep...much love...clare
i need a break...is that a pun?
I need a break
I am so sorry to hear about your wrist injury,
but am glad that you were so well attended to after the accident...
I am not attending our quarterly spring gathering this coming weekend because I've got nothing left to give at this moment...
I have become synonymous with child care and kids' activities in my meeting and the expectation was that I would cover the required hours in the children's program for our meeting...whenever a childcare issues arises they look to me and/or daughter #2 to step up...and we both need a break.
So I am taking an evasive escape route, and not attending. I need a break.
I just had a wonderful conversation with my wise friend...she advises patience and remaining open until the right job opportunity comes to me. She has an incredible gift for saying, out loud, what my heart is telling me. She says that things are aligning so that the correct opportunity will present itself to me. I have been job searching, and submitted several CV's...but I will continue to be observant and open to and discerning of the possibilities.
So my dreams have been chaotic...crazy office settings...walking dead eating flesh, but I didn't run...strange cars in my driveway...no repeats that I remember, just a jumble of images.
More tomorrow,
Love and Light and wishes for healing,
Maggie
but am glad that you were so well attended to after the accident...
I am not attending our quarterly spring gathering this coming weekend because I've got nothing left to give at this moment...
I have become synonymous with child care and kids' activities in my meeting and the expectation was that I would cover the required hours in the children's program for our meeting...whenever a childcare issues arises they look to me and/or daughter #2 to step up...and we both need a break.
So I am taking an evasive escape route, and not attending. I need a break.
I just had a wonderful conversation with my wise friend...she advises patience and remaining open until the right job opportunity comes to me. She has an incredible gift for saying, out loud, what my heart is telling me. She says that things are aligning so that the correct opportunity will present itself to me. I have been job searching, and submitted several CV's...but I will continue to be observant and open to and discerning of the possibilities.
So my dreams have been chaotic...crazy office settings...walking dead eating flesh, but I didn't run...strange cars in my driveway...no repeats that I remember, just a jumble of images.
More tomorrow,
Love and Light and wishes for healing,
Maggie
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