The Grand Finale

Hey Maggie,

My daughter is CHK2 negative.

And with that bit of glorious news, I have a feeling this blog has served its purpose and run its course.

It has been a fabulous 5 and a half years.  It has been a wonderful 2402 posts.

I love you forever!!!

Clare

balance

Hey Maggie,

I completely understand the way genetics works.  And thanks for the offer.  I think I'll wait and see what my daughter's doc says.  For some reason, I am not worried. You and S#4 were both sure you had the mutation - and breast cancer, and both of you were correct. Sometimes I think we are more connected to our bodies, our truths than we suspect.

The book is developing.  Not much on paper lately, but I am getting it. I wish I actually had time to write.  But I think when I am ready to push, I won't be able to stop. It will be like all my other birthing experiences!  I still don't want to out us, but I guess I will.

I think.

The internet went down here for a few hours today.  I missed 2.5 hours of work.  That will be a bit of a hit, because I took two days off for Thanksgiving.  But what was worse?  funnier?  was that I felt like a bad girl.  I knew I was supposed to be working, and I wasn't. I felt incredibly guilty.  I think I am a bit more OCD about work that I have ever realized!

Lots going on, but not mine to discuss...and so I will follow up on the two men chiding me for being an awful woman..  And I find I don't care. It was topped this weekend by two young people who were friends with my kids when teens.  Both told me how much of a positive impact I had on their lives.  I was so touched.

Balance!

Love and hugs from Clare

crazy dreams

Clare,
I appreciate your oldest's willingness to have her genetic testing, but it only answers the question, Does she carry the mutation? If you carry the CHEK2 then each of your children have a 50% chance of having it...
that means that all could carry it- or none could carry it-but each has a 50/50 chance of having inherited it...
But, dear sister, you should have the testing. If you are negative none have to worry about it. If you choose to go ahead with the testing I will pay for it...just an offer...no pressure.

So, I am exhausted and in pain...
my feet are killing me. The orthotics that take the pressure off my sprained ankle and heave allowed that to heal are causing a lot of pressure on my metatarsal heads...
I cannot believe how painful this is.
NSAIDS- like ibuprofen- cause serious GI upset.
I've tried topical...
ice...
copper sleeves...
you name it...
but, no relief.
So I tried CBD...
And have been having less pain, but really vivid dreams...
crazy, animated-like dreams...
people being killed...
I had to stop...
I was being awakened by my crazy dreams multiple times each night...
hence more exhaustion.

Disappointing news- my teen parenting classroom pilot has been denied by the state for funding. Now, I've got to find another funding source.
You write your book and I'll dig up money.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

classically conditioned

And last night I dreamed of a parade of victims. Occasionally someone would stop and hug a rescuer in the crowd along the street.

Hey Maggie!

You seem to be really exhausted.  Are you ready for the holidays?  Do you think you'll be able to get through them?  I'm emotionally preparing.  It is never easy, but I always have that inner little girl who thinks this year will be magic.

Actually I released all of that expectation, about everything, years ago. I get ready for the holidays, as much as I can, then - whatever happens is okay.

I continue to struggle with the book.  But the friend who is living here now encouraged me to get a big piece of poster board.  I did it, and have been writing ideas and drawing bubbles and lines...it is percolating.  And I think the dreams tie in.

I introduced her to Brene last night. We watched both of her TED talks.  I knew I needed to see them again.

And I am doing the shame thing.  I am waiting until I am okay, until I am good enough, before I move forward. 

My oldest has excellent insurance, and opted to go for the genetic testing for our family mutation.  She said she is doing it for me.  I think she is also doing it because her inner scientist wants to know.  They were surprised that we have it, because they said it is a Finnish thing.  I reminded her that Grammy was Saami.  The interesting thing is that there is also something about Saami that resists HIV.

I went to youtube last night to listen to Saami people.  I was wondering if it would sound "right".  I'm not sure if it was at all familiar.

And I was looking at the Mayflower story, I guess because of Thanksgiving.  So far I have identified 5 of our ancestors on the voyage.  Three of them are a mother-father-daughter triad.  The parents did not survive.

I have decided to celebrate Thanksgiving as it was originally intended - as a harvest festival.  Agrarian people have done this ever since they began farming. It is human nature to celebrate, and so there was the feast once the hard work of preserving, storing, and butchering were done for the winter. And so we continue with this preChristian tradition.

And Thanksgiving is followed by Buy-Nothing Day, another favorite!  It is the day to think about Christmas, and how we would like to celebrate, rather than to be led like slobbering idiots by the big box stores.

I have been thinking about Pavlov's dog and classical conditioning a lot lately.  every time I see someone respond to their phone - the dog is salivating.  Every time we follow cultural commands - go fight to be the first into Walmart - salivation.  We are so well trained!

And so I will take my jaded self to dinner.

Love and hugs from Clare

trial

Claire,

Strange dreams...
but you are protecting the youngest, most vulnerable...
that is good.

The meeting went well. He validated my interpersonal conflicts with my co-worker...
Me Too moment.
But I still have to deal with the stress regularly. I did request a lap top to be able to work remotely. I need to be in my home space more than I've been this year. It's confusing how much I like and admire this co-worker, but how frustrating I find interactions with her.
She is 15 years older than I am...
I feel as if I will be a perpetual child...
never be allowed to mature...
But- I am mature.
I am confident.
I am competent.
I just have a different approach and manner.

Sometimes I want to quit and stay home, read, walk, garden, and cook.
So much for being a change-maker, feminist, trendsetter.
Do you ever wonder if your education was a waste?
That thought keeps me working...
It all means something and can certainly help others.

I went to a program on Moral Injury last Thursday...
the discussion was about veterans and their mental health issues after returning from deployment. The author and producers feel that the issue isn't PTSD, but moral injury. Witnessing, not helping, performing acts that go against your soul's moral compass, against your deepest sense of right and wrong...
that's the struggle to re-enter the real world...
And how difficult it is to cope with the memories of what you did, or failed to do.
It feels right...
more right than PTSD.

I am exhausted...
too tired to remember my dreams.
I hate being this tired.
I started a trial of CBD oil...
30 days to see if it helps my mood, my foot pain, what ever...
I will let you know.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

dreaming like crazy

Hi Maggie,

Good luck with your meeting.  I hope you find words your manager can hear.  I hope you find balance.

I am back in a dreaming phase. Right before we left the farm and moved here, I dreamed I was in school. For months I attended classes.  I except for the university.t seems to be happening again.

Last night I spent a lot of time on a small urban university campus.  I can only find the library.  I get lost going everywhere else.  I left the library and started walking toward town, but everything was dark.  The whole town was in a blackout.  I found my youngest granddaughter, and stayed with her, waiting for her mom to get us.

Then I slipped to a different time/place.  I saw B#1 take my youngest granddaughter into my chicken house.  I followed him and saw him put her on the floor and climb on top of her. I came from behind.  He was wearing loose blue briefs, and I could see his scrotum - because the shorts were so loose. I walked up, leaned over, and said...You get your penis away from her.  He got up and ran.

Then I was back in school.  I was in class where we were being given bits of information and had to solve mysteries.  But there wasn't enough room for all of the classes, so we had to make room for a class, then a painting class, so we were squeezed in.

It has been interesting!!

Love and hugs from Clare

need peace

Claire,

I am still fighting a cold...
typical for this time of year.
I'm so glad it is Friday...
work is incredibly demanding. My board chair/boss wants to meet next week to discuss the job...
good and bad...
I cannot even figure out what to talk about. It's about lack of balance...
running full speed most of the time.
I'm not sure I'm doing what I am supposed to be because it is so hectic. I want to be able to breathe and enjoy some time with people.
Listen to them...
hear what they have to say...
Learn from them...
be present.
Instead I am jotting notes about other things that pop into my head when someone else speaks.

I'm still trying to get new floor in my house- since August...
I'm living with minimal furniture and nothing where it belongs...
waiting on someone else's schedule...
mine doesn't matter to them.

I'm tired...
unbalanced...
needing some internal peace...
That's how I am at this point.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

forward...

Hi Maggie,

I am glad you are home.  It sounds like you are centered. Being there helps make you strong.

This summer - I don't think either one of us thought we were going to become a couple.  Too many red flags.  And too much of being more like best friends.  All of this anger and meanness is actually a glorious temper tantrum.  There is too much to go into here, but we react differently.  I am expected to be submissive and do whatever I can to make sure he likes me.  It bothers me that the friendship is ending, because we have been talking for about 5 years.  And I appreciate his intelligence and his worldview.  We have had some amazing conversations.  But I would not want to be in love with this guy.  It would be painful.

So I have been stymied on the book...going in circles...not finding way.

Then as I was reading Smithsonian, I got a glimpse.  There is an article,  Theater of War. A man named Bryan Doerries is using the Greek tragedies to create an opening for vets and others to reach that emotional point where healing can begin.

He said,  "Through tragedy, the great Athenian poets were not articulating a pessimistic or fatalistic view of human experience; nor were they bent on filling audiences with despair.  Instead, they were giving voice to timeless human experiences - of suffering and of grief - that, when viewed by a large audience that had shared those experiences, fostered compassion, understanding, and a deeply felt interconnection. Through tragedy, the Greeks faced the darkness of human existence as a community."

I don't want to write about bad things that happened to us, look how screwed up we are.  I want to shine the light in the swamp. Maybe then we can see who all is in their with us, and all help each other out. And then, together, we can shine the light and make sure no one else gets pulled into the muck and believes they deserve to be there.

I saw a headline recently that said that lack of connection is the root of all addiction.  I want to create connection.

So what I am going to do is mine this blog.  I am going to copy/paste some of my writing into Dreams or Aha!  or whatever.  It may help me think about which way to go...

I love you.  I hope you are feeling better and maintaining better...

Love and hugs from Clare

sabotage

Clare,

I'm back from the island.
Before I left, I completed the 5 K that I organized for my work...
I had some great support on the day of the race...
but carried much of the organizational responsibilities myself.
I became ill the day of the race.
I slept 3.5 of the 6 days I was on the island.
I decided at one point that I needed to see a doctor...
but the clinic on the island closed- so I gutted it out.
I am fine...at least healing.

I am confused about your summer visitor.
Did he come over with expectations of becoming a couple?
What were his expectations?
What were yours?
Is he so cruel because you didn't reciprocate?
Humans are kind until they are hurt...
then they strike out at you.

I am trading water at work. I cannot keep up the pace that I've been maintaining since the spring. Part of me wants to go back to part-time...
I need time for me.
I miss walking, yoga, meditation, crafting, reading, playing.
I have a meeting with my board chair soon, I am trying to decide what I want from all of this.
My co-worker, former boss, makes the office very "prickly" when I get attention she used to receive. I hate walking on egg shells when her nose gets bent out of shape. I hate dramatics.
I also have not yet figured out how to assert myself as the "executive director" because she maintains the role- minus the administrative bull that goes along with it. I am her secretary as well as my own, do the office bills and banking, I am a 'wife'.
I need a wife.
Part of me wants to just quit...
I think that's a direct sabotage of some potentially good work...
but it is honest.

I am going to try to be more disciplined with my habits...
yoga, meditation, journaling, blogging...
most have gone by the wayside because of my puppy.
He has needed a lot of time and attention, particularly in the morning...
but he's getting less needed...
and it's getting darker and cold in the morning.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

endings

Hey Sister,

Hope  you had fun on the island. I hope you had a chance to breathe and watch sunsets and walk in the sand.

Life has been much the same here.  My friend who visited this summer and I have had a total breach, I think.  He decided I am abusive, sadistic, a pathological mom, I drove Dad and my ex away because I am so bad, and my closest friend doesn't really like me, she just sees me as a therapy case.  His cruelty has escalated because I would not get him the contact info for a woman he found attractive. I can't tell if he has hurt me or not, because I know he is way off base. And I feel exceedingly nothing.  But all that abuse has to be doing something to me.

I tried to call him on his cruelty and he told me I am a hypocrite.  And so I am done.  I don't need this drama in my life.

I feel good about my boundaries, and I feel extremely uninterested in making him like me.

But it has been hard.

I had a moment, though, where I was sitting at a table with him and a few others...in my imagination.  I guess we were between lives, and talking about our lessons from this life.  And he and I were laughing, as I congratulated him on how well he played mean during this lesson.  I was reminded again that we are playing roles, and learning our lessons.

I had a "dream" last night where a large man was behind me and tried to pull me inside his body.  That sounds strange. It was strange.  It was like he picked me up against his rib cage and popped me inside.  I popped myself back out, turned around and looked at him, and said, "That's not the way this is going to work.  We are going to dance."

And we did...not well at all...but we danced.

So what's up with you?

Love and hugs from Clare

need to breathe

Clare,
I am in a whirlwind of activity...
work...
home...
Meeting...
family...

I am in need of that calm, balanced place.

I am going to the island on Sunday...
just husband, the puppy, and me...
I am hoping for calm and quiet.
I need to re-group.

Hopefully I will have time to breathe and reflect.

I love you.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

transition

I have been trying to lie with the Earth in the middle of the night, to feel what is going on.

For awhile it felt like transition...one thing following the other, with no breaks in between...

Now it feels like that calm after transition.  Did you ever have that experience...being overpowered by wave after wave of contraction, feeling that surrender to being totally physical, nothing but sensation, and then...calm...nothing...just waiting...having a chance to center back down and breathe...

And then there is that urge to push. And nothing in the world can stop it...nothing...primal push...

Well, right now we are in that calm, centering moment.

And I am joyously terrified of what happens next...

Love and hugs from Clare

authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame...

Hi Maggie,

I didn't ditch and run.  I looked at those words quizzically, and walked away.  And perhaps that is the lesson.  It is better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship.

I think I passed that test!

The weekend was interesting.  I was tired, which affected my ability to think.  But we did an Experiment With Light on Friday night.  I felt like I was in the fog, fighting for answers, fighting for clarity.  I got a definite message.  "You know that thing you are afraid to do?  Well, you have to do it. There is a next step..."  I wondered about the next step, but no, that is not for now.

The next day was a lot of worship sharing, and so a lot of time was spent deep.  But instead of deep and clear, it was deep, and like I needed a shovel to get through.

So I approached this weekend wondering who my authentic self is.  I was thinking about moments of   bring truly who I am.

And someone quoted Joseph Campbell, I believe.  "All we need is sacred space, sacred time, and something joyous to do."

So joy.  Moments of joy are moments when I am authentic.

I said something to a committee member and she posed the query...Authenticity and joy.  And so someone else spoke about sorrow.

And I was back at that moment when I got word our sister-in-law had died.  And I keened. I never knew I could make a sound like that.  That was an absolutely authentic moment.  And it was rooted in sorrow.

I was in my mind trying to define joy. I couldn't.  I couldn't define sorrow very well either.  I got lost in that process of trying to define emotions.  And then I hit that place where I knew that the heart is the seat of emotions, and this all has something to do with evolving into the heart chakra.

Then someone else spoke, and brought out the idea of shame.  I knew I had to listen to Brene yet again...

So - authenticity - joy - sorrow - shame. I could not speak. I was lost in it all.

I think this was a searching weekend.  I think we were churning throiugh something new.  Clarity will come as long as we are faithful.

Similar to what you are planning...we are going to have a visioning session, with the new regional clerk - we are going to worshipfully see if we can get a sense of where the region is going.

I like your new idea. I have noticed that humans like novelty, but we really don't like change.

So, home, thinking, waiting for guests...and sending love


Love and hugs from Clare

ditch and run

Claire,
I'm not sure what exclusivity means...
in the context of relationship.
Of course they imply physical exclusivity, which is their way of ensuring you have no one to compare them with.
But do they also want your mind and soul too?
Do you have to be with them 100% of your time?
Are you allowed to see and enjoy your time with your children, friends, sisters?
What exactly does all of that mean?
I'd run away too.

A step-cousin of ours got married recently...
his fourth marriage...
he's my age.
I think he is living with serial monogamy...
like many.
Hang out until the tough stuff surfaces them ditch and run.

And a cousin of ours is dying from a metastatic tumor...
a life of abuse as a victim and a perpetrator...
Talk about ditching and running from the tough stuff.

What a fucked up world we live in.

I am clerking the planning committee for our spring retreat. I am changing the format and probably going to get push-back for it. We are doing 3panel with audience participation discussions on the topic of Quaker Obstacles and Opportunities...
past, present, and future.
No workshops.
We are doingbreakovut sessions between the past and present sessions.
I think we are going to discuss this through the lens of Equality.
I think it could be a rich opportunity to hear the wisdom of Quaker experiences and take the lessons with us as we tackle problems today.

I am interested in hearing about your discussion of authenticity. Perhaps I can borrow some of the ideas for this gathering.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

exclusivity

Hi Maggie,

Nice to have you back. Now it is my turn. I am off to a Quaker retreat.  We are going to talk about authenticity.

Aren't we brave.

And I have been having lessons concerning men...believe it or not.

The man from the bus last summer...summer 2016...sent me a private message asking me why I wanted to be alone. I am wondering why he made that assumption. He then said sees me as being sensuous and beautiful...and he long for exclusivity. That was what he offered.

And I thought...we met over a year ago. We talked for a few hours.  Now he wants exclusivity...I am confused. And so I replied that we don't know each other well enough to consider exclusivity.

For me, a logical reply would be to question how we could get to know each other.  What I got was a scathing analysis of my behavior - all bad.  And amazingly, I felt confused rather than concerned.

Years ago, I would have felt like I needed to make him like me.  Now I can't be bothered.  I am perfectly happy alone.

Also, he showed his true colors, and I'm not interested...

And  my friend who came to stay this summer is angry with me, because I am not an obedient woman.  And again, I don't care.

I know there has to be a man with better character out there.  If he never comes into my life, sobe it. I would rather be alone...

I'll be back on Sunday with authenticity on my mmind.

Love and hugs from Clare

visit south

Claire,
Sorry, I've been AWOL. I went to the island with 3 of my friends. We'd planned this excursion since February. One of my friends asks a lot of questions...
conversation starting questions...
and when we first got to the island I couldn't think of any ideas to share...
no responses came to my mind.
I had so much scrambling in my brain that I could not think.
But the end of the weekend I was able to consider and think...
and laugh.
we laughed a lot.
The 3 of them re very different souls...
each unique from the other...
but together we make an interesting group.
I am the "mom" of the group...
but one, a pharmacist, is almost as "mommy-ing" as I am...
she has no children...
5 cats, a dog, and a husband...
but she is very cerebral...
like me.
She is very honest and blunt.
She says what she thinks and accepts criticism without offense.
She is about as 'normal' as any one I have ever met.
She is a yoga instructor.
Another friend, also a yoga instructor, is outrageous, lies life to the fullest, and loves freely...
except her husband...
she doesn't love him very much.
The third is a strong empath...
a massage therapist who can read auras, and people, and situations quite well...
except when it comes to her own romances.

I spent some time with them...
I spent some time by myself...
I love walking and being quiet on that island.

2 nieces visited for a day. They both seem to be coping pretty well with the bog changes in their lives. They really fit into the dynamic of the weekend.
It was good.

I am back at work until the first week in November. Husband and I are going south, even if our nephew isn't getting married. We already reserved the house- so why not?

You are spiraling around the swamp...
re-visiting those places that make us stumble.
What is different this time around?

Care for yourself...
be good to your body.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

supplement!

And the disconnect is in the red chakra.  Nothing new.  I'm not seeing anything new at all.  But I feel like I found the wound and I'm circling it and poking it.  I'm seeing everything from a different perspective.

In the middle of the night, I was thinking about 3's and reds.  Like eating wood sorrel - remember the sour grass we ate as kids?  And eating pomegranates...like I need an excuse for that!

As I was thinking, I got the words, fix the vessel.  I have the idea that the breach of my energy system, the shattering of my chakras, and the actual disconnection, have led to unhealth, to carrying extra weight, to addictive patterns, to feeling like I have no control in life, or for other people - having that feeling that life is only safe when we control everything.

Fix the vessel...so the abuse led to my unhealthy body, but having a healthy body is part of what will lead to reconnecting the broken parts. Like maybe we have to reverse the pattern.

I guess it's part of walking back through the swamp.

So...I have been upping some of the herbs I take, and taking cod liver oil and some vitamins. And my body is becoming more sensitive. At first I thought I was getting sick, but now I think I am healing.  And my body is saying no to the foods that cause the unhealthy conditions.

So that is my morning...

Love and hugs from Clare

disconnected

Hey Maggie,

I went to a wedding this afternoon.  I wore the sparkly shoes you gave me.  It was that, or red Converse...Thank you for the sparkles!

Weddings always stir up emotions. Partly because...weddings - joy and love.  Partly today because I have known the bride for half of her life.  I looked back while I was sitting in my pew waiting, and she was standing outside the chapel, waiting to come in, and I felt so much love for her. I looked right at her, she looked right at me. Emotions...spilling everywhere.

But there is always the preparation...deciding what to wear.  I bought new clothes for the first time in years.  I hate it. I hate shopping. I hate dressing rooms and their horrible lighting. I hate looking in the mirror...

And so I was trying all that loathing on for size in the middle of the night when I could not sleep.

And I was thinking about a headline I saw recently stating that disconnection is the root of all addictions. And I suddenly realized I have a serious disconnection inside myself.  I am not connected to me.

I think abuse causes that disconnection.  And with that breach, we struggle to make any other connection. We sort of make them, but not with the authenticity that we could create if we were whole..

This disconnect allows objectification, racism, sexism...I m not sure how to fix it, but I see it in a new way.

Hope all is well with you...

Love and hugs from Clare

watch yo' mouth!

Hi Maggs,

I had another dream that two of my sons died...I woke up and it came to me that it was a warning about my kidneys...

And for nights I dreamed I was cooking and serving...people and more people...and I could see only hands...my hands and the hands of others.

I am in a very active period!!

I enjoyed having Mama here when it was my turn. I am glad you did too. She called and told me she had fun at your house.

Today, I was trying to find my camera, and I found some old photos.  I found a photo of my youngest when she was in her early teens. It was a strange photo, she was making a serious face, but all I thought was - she was so beautiful.  I see so much beauty in each of my kids.

Then I had a quick flash back to being about 13 or 14. There were some photos of me, and Mom was looking at them. She commented it was a shame about my face... My acne destroyed my looks. I looked at the photo and responded that a lot of the marks were freckles.

This may be part of the reason I don't see myself as being good enough, or ever beautiful.

We do have to watch our mouths!

Working a lot, and so no moments of depth and wisdom...just life is changing, everything is changing.

Not much else to share...

Except...

Love and hugs from Clare

on hold

Claire,
I am so tired...
I love the dreams.
I love the insights.
I am so crazy busy with work, class, and the trauma program for victims...
I read an email today that we are going to get the pregnant and parenting classroom with babies and a doula is being funded...
I am so excited,
but it means a lot of time and energy...
and a serious opportunity to succeed and fail.
Nothing ventured...nothing gained.

I took Mamma D back to her home yesterday. We had a great visit...
none of my flooring was laid down...
very frustrating and unsettling.
My house is ripped apart to make room for the installation...
which is on hold until further notice.

Keep sharing the heart energy...
the more you use it the stronger it grows.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie