Trying to maintain a Heart at Peace

Clare,

I do believe that we are primed for a witch hunt…
in professional terms it's called hyper-vigilance…
but the nervous system of abuse survivors is always turned on…
watching,
waiting,
expecting the worst- catastrophizing.
So, when memories, or fragments, come to us we remember them through that lens or series of lenses that tell us no one is truly safe, all are suspicious, even the nicest person can hurt us.
And so we hide our treasures...
protect what little we cling to…
even if it is memories of abuse.

It would be interesting going to the family gathering and asking everyone to tell stories. I feel as if they would question my motives- What is Maggie trying to dredge up now? I will admit, the idea of spending time with B#1 is really making me nervous. He has not communicated with me since my letter several years ago…not even a generic Christmas card. I am imagining him hugging me and acting as if all is well, and then avoiding me the rest of the time…
a repeat of Mom's birthday party.
My kids have all asked who is coming to the gathering. They are excited until the hear that B#1 and family are coming- they feel judged negatively when they are around them. I don't want to go to the dark side here…
I'm trying to have a Heart at Peace.

It will be good to spend a little time with Mom and Dad…
I've imagined a conversation with Dad explaining our past lives together…
It would be fascinating to see his reaction…
but I feel it would be a disappointment.

I took son#2 to the local parochial high school yesterday. He wants to return to school, to attend classes. They have accepted him on a probationary status. He will be monitored and supported through the quarter when he arrives and then less so as he establishes himself. They can ask for drug screens randomly, and will do so if they suspect him using. If he is caught with drugs or paraphernalia they will call the police. He heard them. We talked about it. He understands that they are serious. He wants to attend. He will begin Jan 20, the first day of the second half of the year. He will continue cyber-schooling until then. With the holidays coming that will come quickly. I am relieved because it allows me to go to work and not worry what he is doing all day while I am gone. Boredom is tough, especially for my boys.

So, my Light for yesterday? I've begun reading Les Miserables and am finding much Light and wisdom written by Hugo. So, finally finding a book that calls out to me to be read is my Light for the day.

Love and Light,
Maggie