How to allow Light to permeate

Clare,

My surgery is Tuesday, 12/9, hopefully in the morning. I am ambivalent. While I am excited to be rid of these damned, hard expanders, I am not looking forward to another recovery. I'm dreading it because of the time of year as well. I am going to have to just pace myself and be satisfied with whatever I accomplish in preparation for Christmas this year. I have been doing a lot of cyber-shopping. I have a few gifts for each child, one for husband. I have taken care of the all-important pajama shopping though. I am tempted to give those out this weekend so we can take our christmas card picture in them. But, that would ruin the surprise.

I got a message from our S#4 today. She carries the family mutation. I'm not sure that I should share that, but she didn't ask me to keep it in confidence. We are going to talk after she has an opportunity to discuss the implications with her geneticist. It breaks my heart to think of any of you going through a cancer experience. Mine was difficult, but not as difficult as it could have been. I pray that she remains cancer free. My oldest is having her tests run later this month. S#3 is waiting upon her results. We shall see what those hold.

I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow. I hate taking Tamoxifen. I want to stop it. I hope she hears me when I say that. I want to know what my true risks of recurrence are and if this is making a significant difference.

Today I shared the Adult Children of Alcoholics book with one of my clients. I've come to realize that many childhood dysfunctions can create that complex of symptoms- if your parents didn't hear, see or care for you you're going to be screwed up. We live in a very sad world. There is so much pathology because parents aren't equipped to care for their children. Sometimes I think A Brave New World had that part right- let nurturing people raise all of the children. I wonder what that outcome would be?

So, how do I allow Light to permeate my holiday season? I am really down this month. I need to find something that feeds my soul. I need to laugh and love- but I am so pessimistic that those seem impossible right now. I can't cry, even though I know it would do wonders for my mood. MAybe anesthesia will make me happier- total sleep and relaxation.

I'm going to get some exercise- maybe that will help.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie