acceptance

Hi Maggie,

One argument could be that I threw away a marriage because of addiction.  How far do we go before we expect the addict to do something?  Do we love them forever, and at what expense, when they say they will not change?

The story you tell does seem like the selfish side of step-parenting.  I know a man like that.  He wants to be loved, he says, but he really seems to want to dominate, to consume, to be the center of someone's existence.  When that doesn't happen, when he has to share, he gets a little mean.

But I have a very different attitude about my kids.  I would never throw any of them away, no matter what.  My love and acceptance for my kids is unconditional. I think, I hope, I believe.  This thought leads me to wonder if the end of a marriage is linked to the feeling of unworthiness, I wasn't loveable anyway...It definitely takes me to the place where I acknowledge that I married an addict so I wouldn't have to be fully present nor vulnerable, and I would not have to look to myself, to challenge myself.

Warring kids is difficult.  They have their own perspectives.  I have always found the truth is somewhere in the middle.  When my kids came to me, I tried to strike that balance between listening, acknowledging their feelings were authentic, and then drawing them back to focus on themselves - on what they did, on what they said.

 It all goes back to what I learned in Al-Anon. You can't change anyone but yourself.  If you don't like the way things are, do something different.  Most of the bickering has a script. If one changes the script, the show will have a different ending.

In writing this, I am suddenly aware that we don't have good places for addicts or others in pain to go. We don't have a place where they can be held, supported, listened to.  Those of us in relationship with them are sharing and reacting to pain too closely.  We are part of the fire.  I am wondering how long I have the moral obligation to stay with an addict.  The questions might be how to create a place where the addict is safe...

I think I am blathering, and I don't know if I am onto something or not.

One thing I have not gotten around to, as far as S#4 considering a prophylactic mastectomy...I responded to this - very emotionally.  My thoughts swirled about love of our bodies.  Do we love them? How do we love them?  Should those questions be:  Do we love ourselves?  How do we love ourselves?

I think I would not have a prophylactic mastectomy.  I do not want to be afraid, and I especially do not want to fear my vessel/my self.  I  hope that I love myself and treasure myself and accept myself enough not to remove body parts. But, I also know that I love myself enough that I would remove body parts that held cancer.

But I would also love my sister enough to understand and support any decisions she would make.

And it's time for bed for me...

Love and hugs and happy sixth day...How's your heart? As big as the world?

Clare