annual jag

Hello Love,

I got your Christmas card today. I laughed.

It has been such a day.  We are still up in the air about Christmas.  All of my children are in relationships now, and all have to split celebrations between two families.  I asked my oldest about making plans and she said we should make plans without her and she would see what fit.  She said she is still waiting to see what her boyfriend's mother would like to do.

I really fell apart. I had my annual Christmas crying jag all afternoon.  I thought that maybe I would just skip Christmas this year.  I don't know exactly what I am celebrating anyway.  I started generalizing everything, wondering if I made huge mistakes in the  way I raised the kids.  We had that 10 year stint of no electricity in the small cabin with the hand pump and the wood stove.

I wanted to pop back an email to my daughter, I wasn't sure what I was going to say. But my email account wouldn't work - it wouldn't open. That was the Spirit at work in my life.  I decided to call my youngest son and see what his and his girlfriend's plans were.  He didn't answer the phone.  I cried some more.  Then he called back.

We talked for almost an hour.  He was my Light today.  We talked about family dynamics, and the way I raised them. He said some of our life was strange, but mostly it was good, and it built a strong resilience and a sense of self-sufficiency, a confidence that his peers don't undestand, much less have.  He laughed at me and reassured me.

He is an amazing and perceptive young man.

All afternoon, as I was cleaning my house, I had Pandora radio on, playing the Eva Cassidy station.  I heard one line of one song.  I had to rush to my desk to write it down..."What if your healing comes from tears?"

Spirit was busy with me today.

So I wrote an email back to my oldest and asked if they would be willing to commit Christmas Eve to this family.

I just finished a Friends committee meeting, and so I will check my email to see if she responded after I write this post.

Worship was amazing at the end. It was like I was deep yet Light. I could feel the breath move through me.  It helped that I had been crying.  I softened myself.

You don't have to ask people for their memories at the family gathering.  Just share yours.  The others will join in.

My kids have always had the same reaction about B#1.  We had a mini-controversy at my son's wedding. He didn't want to invite his uncle, because at every family gathering B#1 told him he was a little, and I quote - a little shithead.  My son felt the disgust streaming from his uncle all those years and didn't want to share the day with him.  My oldest felt that if he's family he has to be invited. You were the tie-breaker, as godmother of the groom, you said - "It's his wedding . Let him do what he wants."

After I read your comments. I started thinking about B#1 and the abuse he has gone through, and the abuse he has dished out. I think it causes pain to one's spirit when we hurt someone else. I have more shame and regret for what I have done to others than for what was done to me.

I thought maybe we should start to hold him in the Light every night.  We should think about the good things that he has done, the sweet things we can remember. Maybe if we change our perceptions, he will change. Maybe not, but we will!  We will change.

I realize this is hard for me. As I think about him. I am thinking of the things that made me angry or humiliated or hurt me.  I will work on this tonight and come back with something positive tomorrow.

I love you little sister,

Clare