pen pals

Hmmmmm...I never felt distant at home.  I felt frustrated, I felt bossy...but never distant.  Interesting perception.  Thinking back, I was depressed a lot as a teen...maybe you felt that cold.  To me, depression seems like riding in a slow moving wave of cold. Maybe I still have a touch of  hypothermic emotional syndrome, today.

I have always loved writing letters.  I wrote to Grammy and Grandma - but Grammy wrote back. I wrote to her sister, Aunt Ruth.  I wrote to you and B#1 and Mom. I may have written to B#2 a few times... And I had piles of letters from my college sweetheart.  We wrote to each other while we were together, and again in my thirties and through my forties. Email stopped that, though.  Now we comment on Facebook or pop out a quick email.  I know I mentioned an older friend died in April. She was my last pen pal, the last person I exchanged handwritten letters with.

"Diagnosed with breast cancer"  you rode that storm and you survived.  I know that I am good in an emergency. After it is over, I shake and cry and fall apart.  Maybe that is where you are. You rode it out, and now you can relax. Now it's time to shed all of those unused tears.

It is Christmas, you are still here.  You are surrounded by your family.  Diagnosed then survived...then thrived.  You did it.

From now on, when anyone asks if you lost weight, just know the translation is - You look great!  I wonder how I can compliment you! - well, without actively complimenting you.

Family comes in many guises.  Even this where we don't talk to each other, don't count on each other.  The three sibs who have not communicated with you are the three really active abusers.  Your breast cancer probably scares the shit out of them.  We have sexualized breasts, especially in our family.  And even though they have "forgotten" the sexual abuse they inflicted on you, in their hearts they know it happened - no matter how deep it is buried.  I am sure they are terrified, of lots of things.  But this hits to the core of the abuse that defines our family.

B#1 does music ministry in prison sometimes. That was my Light to shine on him today. Maybe you can ask him about that at the family gathering, which I will not be attending, by the way.

Think about your time, and how far you can stretch yourself. Don't rush into prison ministry. Wait until your sons are more settled, then see if you still have the leading.  If you really need dissuaded, ask for a clearness committee...You may not be dissuaded, but you'll be clear.

My Light for the day was sitting up in the middle of the night talking to S#3, feeling like I am not alone.

But today I am alone, well, with four dogs and a cat, but no humans. I am enjoying it!  Our nephew has spoiled me by completely taking over the care of the woodstove, of the dogs, and of the birdfeeders. I will miss him!!  I have to get back in my daily pattern.

But it's okay!!  I enjoy it.

Love and hugs,

Clare