haunting

Happy New Year Little Sister,

I hope 2015 is full of happy challenges for both of us!

I had a dream last night.  I was looking up at a window.  I was outside of a large white house, or similar building. When I looked up to the second or third floor I saw me and a few of my kids looking out.  Behind us was a ghost, an older woman. I felt creepy chills.

I woke up and left it. I fell back asleep, but went back two or three more times to see if the woman was still there.

The last time I went back, it hit me...I knew who it was. It was our great-great-great grandmother Anna.  Dad's cousin, remember Uncle Earl and Aunt Dotty? - their daughter electronically sent me some old family portraits.

So what does Anna want to trigger in me?

2015 is off with a mystery!

The story I received, and using some records that I found, Anna was born in the late 1790's.  She and her husband and six children migrated to Nebraska.  I think they were moving, although they might have been visiting.  Her husband died there, and so she turned around and came back to the area where Dad was born.

I was wondering about the travel. Wagons? Trains?

Kids are here and S#3 will be her within the half hour...Until next year,

 Love and hugs!!

Clare

acceptance

Hi Maggie,

One argument could be that I threw away a marriage because of addiction.  How far do we go before we expect the addict to do something?  Do we love them forever, and at what expense, when they say they will not change?

The story you tell does seem like the selfish side of step-parenting.  I know a man like that.  He wants to be loved, he says, but he really seems to want to dominate, to consume, to be the center of someone's existence.  When that doesn't happen, when he has to share, he gets a little mean.

But I have a very different attitude about my kids.  I would never throw any of them away, no matter what.  My love and acceptance for my kids is unconditional. I think, I hope, I believe.  This thought leads me to wonder if the end of a marriage is linked to the feeling of unworthiness, I wasn't loveable anyway...It definitely takes me to the place where I acknowledge that I married an addict so I wouldn't have to be fully present nor vulnerable, and I would not have to look to myself, to challenge myself.

Warring kids is difficult.  They have their own perspectives.  I have always found the truth is somewhere in the middle.  When my kids came to me, I tried to strike that balance between listening, acknowledging their feelings were authentic, and then drawing them back to focus on themselves - on what they did, on what they said.

 It all goes back to what I learned in Al-Anon. You can't change anyone but yourself.  If you don't like the way things are, do something different.  Most of the bickering has a script. If one changes the script, the show will have a different ending.

In writing this, I am suddenly aware that we don't have good places for addicts or others in pain to go. We don't have a place where they can be held, supported, listened to.  Those of us in relationship with them are sharing and reacting to pain too closely.  We are part of the fire.  I am wondering how long I have the moral obligation to stay with an addict.  The questions might be how to create a place where the addict is safe...

I think I am blathering, and I don't know if I am onto something or not.

One thing I have not gotten around to, as far as S#4 considering a prophylactic mastectomy...I responded to this - very emotionally.  My thoughts swirled about love of our bodies.  Do we love them? How do we love them?  Should those questions be:  Do we love ourselves?  How do we love ourselves?

I think I would not have a prophylactic mastectomy.  I do not want to be afraid, and I especially do not want to fear my vessel/my self.  I  hope that I love myself and treasure myself and accept myself enough not to remove body parts. But, I also know that I love myself enough that I would remove body parts that held cancer.

But I would also love my sister enough to understand and support any decisions she would make.

And it's time for bed for me...

Love and hugs and happy sixth day...How's your heart? As big as the world?

Clare

In this country too

Clare,

Yes, 5 Golden Rings…
Perhaps it does have to do with the chakras…
interesting to think about.

It is overwhelmingly troublesome to think of the exploitation of women and children…
exploitation of the vulnerable.
It makes my heart sad to imagine seeing anyone as being less than…
and deserving of cruelty.
But, it happens all the time.
I had a conversation with a man today who is hoping his girlfriend's daughter will move in with a new boyfriend because she is an addict.
I can understand his frustration.
I can understand wanting to distance himself from the addiction…
but this woman has been reduced to a problem- addiction- to be solved- pushing her onto someone else.
God knows what kind of man the new boyfriend is…
it doesn't really matter to this man, as long as he is free of the woman in his life.
We throw women and children away in this country too…
it's not just in the orient.

My kids had a blow- up last evening.
My oldest and youngest verbally abused each other.
You could see it coming…
they've been frustrated with each other since the oldest came home from school.
They said things that should not be said…
and now must find a way to reconnect and apologize.
I wasn't present for the battle…
but heard the aftermath.
I wanted to run away while they were complaining about the other.
I wanted a new life.
I wanted them to see how precious each of them are.
Perhaps we have spent too many days together.
Perhaps it is time for my daughters to return to their school lives…
but I am not ready for them to leave…
I love their presence.
I am really not sure I'm doing this right.
There's got to be a more effective way to handle the closeness of the holidays.

I am tired today.
I feel as if I am wandering aimlessly…
without direction right now.
I'm trying to let go expectations…
to let life happen…
to appreciate what comes my way.
But I'm not good at surrender.

I hope that you had a wonderful time watching the baby sleep…
there's nothing more relaxing.
I hope it brought you peace, at least temporarily.

Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie

Five golden rings

Hi Maggie,

So it's the Fifth Day of Christmas, the day of five golden rings. And today as I was considering that, I was struck by the five golden rings and the fifth, yellow chakra and suddenly wondered if the twelve days resound to the twelve chakras. If so, then tomorrow is the day of the heart, and of having faith and going with the flow.

My daughter brought her daughter early today, and so I did not have time to finish writing reports.  I still had a few to write when I finally got her down to sleep.  I went back to my office to write and the dogs barked because someone had the audacity to drive past our house. And of course that immediately woke her up.

I gave up, and brought my computer to bed, so I could write and still be present.  I put her back to sleep by playing music - from youtube.  As I held her waiting for her to go back to sleep, I was able to gaze at her. This always softens a grandma!  I was watching her doze and thinking about her life, wondering if we will be able to protect her.

I know we can't protect her from everything, and we're not supposed to. But can we protect her from the brutality?

I spoke with someone from another culture today who just spent time in Thailand. She commented on a big guy from LA being there with a child-like Thai woman.  She said the size difference made her very uncomfortable. It made me nauseous, and I wasn't even there.  I said something about the sex tourism, and the young girls being sold into sexual slavery.

She said that in Thailand, other women seem to see it as just another profession, as opposed to her country where sex workers are considered the lowest of the low.  She listed a lot of countries men come from to exploit Thai women.  I countered with - it could be another profession if only adults are involved and if the woman had many choices.

I remain troubled.

So many girls, women are not protected, are not valued.  And it circles back to me watching my infant granddaughter sleep, and feeling this deep need to protect.

I hope all is well with you and yours. Sending thoughts of love and Light!

Clare

Things happen as they should

I am so happy that all went so well at the family get-together. Maybe we are making steps toward being a more functional family.  And it's good that you connected with B#1. I have the strong sensation that he really needs it.  It seems he is adrift, not terribly connected to his wife. But I never see them, rarely speak with them and definitely don't have anything more than a superficial relationship with either of them. So it's just a gut feeling. And we all know I have been wrong.

I also got the impression that you watched and waited for moments of grace, and therefore you were rewarded.  I believe the moments of beauty and generosity are always around us. We get so caught in pain, we don't see anything.  We miss the magic of being human, of being on this remarkably glorious planet.

My oldest told me that she and her dad are planning to visit the out-west kids in February.  I was so happy - they need to have those family connections. There is one point though...in the past, my ex has purchased tickets, then called to tell them when he was coming.  I don't want to interfere, and I don't want to create drama, but that method causes stress.

I don't want to call my oldest son and tattle.  I am considering emailing my ex and gently suggesting he negotiate a date or ask if a visit would be convenient...Trying to be aware and kind and not to create or get drawn into any drama.

S#3 will be here for New Years Eve. She will bring her son back here, and we will have all of the grandchildren for a New Years Eve party.  One of my children asked why I do this to myself.  I know S#3 takes a lot of responsibility for her grandchildren, trying to work during the day while taking care of them.  It is stressful.

Last time we talked, we made a plan - first, one of us will win the lottery, then we take two weeks and go to some kind of a spa in Sedona. We were inspired by some of your photos!!  I think I started it by my commenting - If I won the lottery, I would sleep for a week! And the conversation developed from there...

I would love to go to Bald Head again in March. And I am very excited about having all 5 of us there.  I really need to have a date 2 months in advance, so I can block my schedule.  If I cancel with less than two months notice, I can have the time, but it counts as a no show for me, and counts against things like bonuses and raises.  Also, as the oldest child, I can be trapped in being anally responsible, and really have a hard time not doing everything that is asked of me.

Baby is asleep. Time for me to go there too!

Love and hugs from Clare

Letting go of expectations...

Clare,

It's now the 4th day of Christmas and my house is quiet.
It wasn't always so though.
My boys are getting cabin fever…
they want to run and be with their friends.
My girls have a bit more freedom and are taking advantage of it.
I had to sit with my youngest while he finished his school work that is due at mid-night tonight…
he wanted to go out with friends for the day. Interestingly enough he was sick and could not attend yesterday's gathering, or do any school work…but today he is ready to fly.

Yesterday's gathering was genuinely fun. Husband remarked that it felt as if everyone who attended really wanted to be there. There was no grumbling about having to be there and be nice…
or places they'd rather be…
to things they'd rather be doing…
or people they'd rather be with.
B#1 arrived about the time that S#3 had to leave.
SO we took the pictures you've seen…
did the gift exchange…
and she packed up her car with grandchildren and left.
She was stressed…
she was uncharacteristically short with her grandson…
and remarked it was a difficult time.
I think I will invite her to dinner to talk.
I had a real conversation with B#1…
we talked about our sons and their reluctance to grow up.
It wasn't about "bashing" them…
it was about trying to understand and support them.
There was a moment when we made eye contact that was really nice and comfortable.
I felt connected and heard.
It was surprising coming from him…
in a good way.
Grampy was in a fantastic mood.
He was asking my oldest if she was going to leave before her university's bowl game started and she replied, "No Grampy. I like you more than my university".
I stopped and paid attention…
you should have seen him soften…
he visibly changed and became more light-hearted.
He laughed throughout the day.
He seemed genuinely interested in her and their conversation. They even posed for a picture during the afternoon. It was good to see.
Daughter#2 was engaged in multiple conversations throughout the day. On the way home she remarked, pleasantly, "No one asked me if I have a back-up plan for next year". That made her feel valued and appreciated as an actress.
B#4 was there and was his lighthearted self- as usual. It is always good to see him.

So, I let go of my expectations and was pleasantly surprised. Thank you for that insight.
I was talking with a friend after Meeting this morning about that idea…let go of the expectations and stay open to surprises. She was recounting some of her family holiday celebration and had a similar experience. It is nice when others are in synch with our experiences…somehow it makes a stronger impression.

I wish you could have attended yesterday. I know it is too far to travel for a few hours…but you would have added so much to the gathering. S#3 and 5 and I were talking about a long weekend in March on Bald Head. Please look at your calendar and see if you could be a part of that gathering. I've asked S#4 to look at her calendar also. It would be great to have all 5 of us together in that space. Please try.

That's about all I have today.
Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie

Third Day of Christmas

So everyone showed up here for a Christmas lunch today.  My house was full once again.

How does this relate to three French hens. There was one smoked turkey and leftover korv.  And more gifts.

Today I was up early, neatening up and cooking.  Now its very quiet again.  I think I am going to have to get used to this...except my youngest is working tomorrow, and I work the day after that.

I feel like I'm blathering. I don't really have anything to say.  I'm not reading anything that is inspiring new thought.  My oldest gave me a book about Native American healing techniques.  I was reading about feeling like we are one with nature, like we are part of the Earth.  But I knew that.

I guess I'm really just waiting to hear news of the family gathering today. I saw the photos on line already.  I'm still not sure if I love that or hate it. I know I am often distressed to see myself posted without forewarning.

I was looking at some educational opportunities...ideas. I'm just not sure how to swing it, though...

I wonder what 2015 will bring.  I do know I will be here with you.

For now, I will wait to hear the news...

Love from Clare

Two turtle-doves......no, one turtle

The Second Day of Christmas - it's supposed to be two turtle doves today...him...

I think today I am the turtle...just a turtle. I have no energy.  I had a couple of phone calls from kids, but not much happened and I wasn't getting anything done on my long to do list. Then I sat down to write this. My neighbor pulled in the driveway.  I went out to see if she needed help. She said no, so I ran out to the mailbox while she tried to get something out of her car.  At the end of the driveway I met my middle kid who came to borrow the chimnay brush.  So after hours of quiet, there was a flurry.

Your package was in the box. Thank you for the shirt.  I will wear it with voice.

I can sympathize with your oldest.  Christmas is all about tradition, which means things stay the same every year.  Yet we change every year. There are more of us. There are fewer of us.  Everything changes. It is a troubling paradox.  But at least things change slowly. My kids grew up and moved out slowly.  And I could see the changes coming.

And the music is always the same.

Tomorrow was supposed to be a day for our all-together Christmas. Since my middle kid and his family spent the last days with her family, I planned to have a - at this point it will be a Christmas barbecue. I am going to smoke a turkey. - so I planned to have a Christmas lunch with all the kids. My son just told me he hopes to work every day until New Years.  He said he has too many bills, and not enough money.  Welcome to adulthood, my son.  I remember my parents-in-law talking about the problems with holidays - not getting paid for days off combined with extra expenses really destroys the holidays. I must say I completely understand. This, and the six hour drive were why we decided not to go to S#5's tomorrow. I wait to hear your experiences and impressions.

Definitely remain open to the unexpected. This Christmas has been full of it.

Instead of profound, I am tired and not thinking of anything brilliant.  I will wait to hear about your adventures with sibs and parents.

I wuill be with you in the Light.

Love from Clare

The second day of Christmas...

Clare,

That is an unexpected gift…
making peace with the past is huge…
especially with someone who means so much in your life.
What a blessing.
Weddings, funerals and babies…
Now that sounds like a full year or two.

My Christmas was about letting go of the expectations…
embracing my family and their needs at this point in time…
and enjoying them for who they are.

In the morning we opened gifts…
each one of my children asked to give their gifts before they got their presents from us.
I remarked to them that they really had found the spirit of "it is better to give than to receive".
That made them smile and we all enjoyed the presents as they were opened.
We laughed and told remembrances of past gifts that we remember…
it was great.
My daughters gave me a necklace that has a pink heart and a silver disc with two hearts cut out of the center. They each got a similar necklace with a pink heart and a silver heart on them. The pink is for breast cancer and the silver shows they are cut from my heart. It is really beautiful.
My older son gave me a snow globe music box that says "happiness is to love and to be loved". I told him that as a little girl I was fascinated by music boxes and asked for them for Christmas. I only ever received one that had 3 nuns on it, that I loved.
My youngest gave me amethyst earrings, they are beautiful.
I got earring from husband and some tops to wear. 2 of the tops are from the Hershey Breast Cancer Center. I guess with my new boobs I will be a walking advertisement for their work!
My daughters and I watched a prepared dinner together, watched a movie in the afternoon and played scrabble after dinner. Husband cleaned up all of the wrapping paper and then read on the couch.
I did splurge and eat 2 sweet rolls and had cheese and bread on my onion soup and a glass of wine. Today I am back to the cleanse diet.

My oldest is having difficulty with the changing holiday activities. She wants to hang onto traditions. She was upset that her brothers weren't hungry at dinner and ate almost nothing. She is upset that her sister spent Christmas Eve with her best friend's family- her second family. She is upset that the boys want to spend time with their friends. I listened to her for a while and then gently reminded her of her food preferences and activities when she was an older teen. She would only eat pierogies for many months so I (or she) would include them in the dinner menu daily. She wanted to be with friends or her boyfriend's family at times during the holidays, as she does now. Husband and I talked as we walked yesterday about how the holidays will soon be visits with children, instead of everyone gathered for days. I am OK with that at this point…I may feel differently when it is a reality, but I am easing into it and so far accepting of it.

Tomorrow is the Delana family gathering. I wish you were coming. I know it's too far, but it would be great to have you there. I am praying for patience and an open heart when I interact with B#1. That is the challenge of the day. I am trying to stay open to a reconciliation and healing some newer wounds between us… I am holding that intention in the Light. I will remain open to the unexpected. I will be thinking of you tomorrow as we are gathered. I hope that you have a wonderful day. I will report all that I remember after the visit- hopefully with a positive spin and not from a pessimistic point of view.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Happy second day of Christmas,
Maggie

Be open to the unexpected

Christmas comes whether we are ready or not.  And I think I stayed soft and let it be what it needed to be.

I had a strange Christmas...

I went to breakfast at my daughter's. We watched the baby open some gifts, and exchanged a few.  My ex had picked me up, and on the way home, I asked him if he was going to go to dinner with our oldest and her boyfriend.  They were scheduled to spend the afternoon with his mother and family.  He said no, he was going to look for our youngest son.  I told him that my neighbor was coming over to play cards with me, and he was welcome to join us.

I never imagined he would come...

My neighbor showed up and said I needed a read.  My heart chakra was wide open, and I felt energy pulsing through me.  She gave a different kind of reading than ever before. She predicted a death, three weddings and two pregnancies.

Just as she was  finishing, she said it looked like someone was here. Sure enough, my ex came to play cards.  I was surprised.  And it was okay. We played for a few hours.  My neighbor went home. We warmed up leftovers, each had a glass of wine and played Scrabble.  It felt like we made peace...really made peace with the past.

I never, ever imagined I would spend Christmas with him.  But it was right.

The universe delivers gifts.  The gift of peace is so appropriatefor this season.

Then I opened the box of old photos that Mom sent.  I found a photo of our great-grandmother - Grammy's mom.  I had never seen her before.  I stopped and studied her. Old photos are not clear, though. It was hard to see features.  But I feel like I was introduced to Josephine.

So that was my Christmas...a Christmas during which not much sugar has passed my lips!  I have not been perfect, but I have been close!!

Loved the union-suits!  May your holiday continue to be rosy!!

Love and hugs from Clare

Christmas-time

Merry Christmas, Maggie!

This year I could say Muddy Christmas - especially with all of the dogs going in and out today!

We may have traditions, but things change - every year things are different. Before my youngest went home with her boyfriend and her daughter, she noted that this would be the first time we haven't sat and watched A Charlie Brown Christmas together after everyone else had gone home.

I read today that many people love Christmas Eve the best.  People love the anticipation.  I was thinking about that, about the struggle to create a magical and perfect holiday.  We try as much as we can, then we left go and dive into whatever the holiday brings us.  The release is what makes our holiday. We accept with joy or we pout because it isn't exactly what we wanted.

I guess we move into the flow of our heart chakra, or we stay stuck in yellow, trying to force everything to be the way we demand...

We had a candle-lit dinner - lots and lots of candles - followed by a rousing game of Crimes Against Humanity.  We laughed a lot.  Tomorrow morning, we will have breakfast at my youngest's house.  Then I will be home alone.  Weird - that is a first.  I thought about that and considered my older neighbor who is estranged from her family. I called her up and asked her to come and play cards.  She asked if she could bring a bottle of wine.

Changes.

I hope you and yours are basking in the glow of love and calm acceptance.

I love you!!

Clare

Rational and irrational beliefs- Light

Clare,

I am feeling really open right now…
vulnerable, I guess.
The experience with my sons really showed me how much I love them and want them in my life. I found myself composing a letter to my older son this morning that asked him, "What are you afraid of?"
I had a long talk with a wise Friend yesterday about the prison leading. He talked extensively about shame and men's need to posture and hide anything shameful. It really struck a chord within my life. He said the "antidote to shame is exposure". Gently call it out, let the Light shine on it and expose it for what it is- only an irrational expectation placed on us by society. Be tough, never let them see you suffer, be a man, and all of that garbage. So, I had the courage to ask my son, "What are you afraid of?"

I wrote this is rhetorical…but I would listen if he wanted to share.

As I was looking for a large book to use as a lap desk I found a sheet from years ago about rational and irrational beliefs. It was too appropriate not to share with him.
Talk about synchronicity…
I'll share a few:
Irrational beliefs-
That you should be thoroughly competent, skilled and achieving in all respects if you are to be considered worthwhile.
The belief that your past is the all important determinant of your present behavior.
The belief that human happiness can be achieved through inaction.
The belief that your wants are your needs.
Rational beliefs-
Seek to do the things you want to do as long as you do not hinder others.
No matter how hard you try you will never please everyone.
Your opinion of yourself is most important.
Awful connotes that something is 100% negative. Events or circumstances are at times inconvenient, but they are not awful. By telling ourselves things are awful we are causing ourselves to overreact over-emotionally.
The external environment can cause you physical pain, never emotional pain. You are the cause of emotion by your self-talk and thereby can control and relieve any uncomfortable emotion by self-talk.
You own your own life and others own theirs.

Re-reading this has given me some clarity…
it has helped me to put down, at least a little, some of my expectations.
This was a moment of Light today.

I am having a taste of the maturing children at the holidays experience. We finally decorated the tree last night without my older son because we could not find a time that everyone would be home together until later tonight. My oldest has a boyfriend of 6 years, so she is expected to spend time with his family. My second is having dinner with her best friend's family- her second family. The boys come and go with friends. Husband and I talked about the changing dynamics last night. It's bittersweet.

I had a conversation with S#4 last evening, after S#3 told us about her genetic results. S#4 is really worried. She said that at times she is fearful that she is going to get breast cancer. She is seriously considering prophylactic mastectomy to alleviate her fears. It is an option. It's wonderful to be able to be here for her, and for her to trust to reach out to me. It is a gift. I am blessed.

So, sister, I hope that you have a peaceful, quiet Christmas eve. I am holding you and your family in the Light. I will be back here tomorrow, once things quiet down.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Christmas Blessings,
Maggie

Christmas miracles

Hi Maggie,

You allowed yourself to be vulnerable, to feel the pain of almost, to feel the reassurance of it's okay, then of being vulnerable in front of your son and allowing him to be a warrior.  Your Christmas is perfect. You had a Christmas miracle!!

I am so stressed. I am so tired.   My house is such a wreck. I never told my kids about Santa when they were young.  All of their training and education came from our culture. But as they got older, I did pull one. I used to say, "I'm not going to let Santa into a messy house."

I wish I could make that announcement today and have the universe deliver help.  Instead I'll just hope for gracious guests who pretend the tornado has not been in residence all week.

I have been cooking, which I really enjoy.  And I don't mind cleaning. Once.

How did we survive multiple toddlers?  Now I know why we have kids when we are young!

S#3 called today.  No CHEK2  gene mutation.  She was very relieved. 

I read an article today that postulated that rape is the basis of religion. The author looked at a range of religions and showed how all included stories of women impregnated without consent.  There may have been acceptance later, but the impregnation happened without consent. The author speculated that men assume that women want to be impregnated by a godly figure, to have higher ranking offspring.  The author also emphasized the role of women as chattel, whose fertility belongs to her family until she is owned by the highest ranking man possible.  Her thoughts and feelings simply don't figure into the whole process.

Interesting reading at this time of year.

I frosted my sweet breads and put them on the table to dry. Heard some rustling and found my little Emmy almost successfully pulling a loaf down.  My Christmas miracle for the day - I caught her before she got it!!

Just gotta get through a little more stress, and I can rest.  That will be my Christmas gift!

Love and hugs,

Clare

Gift each other with Presence

Clare,

I like that quote…
let it go and see what comes to us…
I will try to hold that in my heart today.

I had a tough day yesterday.
I decided to clean my older son's room…
it was a mess.
As I got through the laundry gathering and picking up trash I found a note that basically said he couldn't live with us any longer and was leaving. At first I questioned whether this was written months ago…
during our most troubled times…
I assured myself that this was from months ago…
tried to convince myself of that…
and then doubt set in.
Suddenly I was filled with anger and disappointment…
and then overwhelming sadness.
How could this be?
We are talking and reasoning with each other.
We are in relationship.
Doubt is a strong force.
I finally said something to my youngest, who is homeschooling right now.
He hugged me and reassured me.
He came back about 30 minutes later and said he had texted his brother and that was, indeed, an old message, and that he's, indeed, coming home today.
I cried harder.
I don't think I've realized how precarious my trust really is.
It's like the fledgling bird trying to trust their wings instead of the branch.
Trusting was easier when they were at Anasazi…
Anasazi was the branch that we could all hold on to.
Now the trust has to belong to me…
I must own it and the relationship…
it's very scary.
The Universe is working with great force and energy this solstice.
I'm trying to keep up.

I am heartbroken by the treatment and attitudes towards women and children in this world. The Cosby thing is very much like Santa Claus…
we want to believe that Cosby is really as good and decent as the characters he portrayed…
but, there is a grown-up part of us that understands that people carry secrets and scars.
Adults want to believe in a magical force that can bring peace, respect and love to the world…
but we know the power lies within…
and we must actively work to bring these things.
Cosby, apparently was not able to actively control his inner drives…
I hope he finds a place within that allows him to admit and ask forgiveness…
what a gift that would be for all of us….
Validation.

I love that you sat with your grand-daughter yesterday. What wonderful insight and Light.
Yesterday felt pretty dark for me. But, I can see that reaching out to my younger son taught me not to hold it all in silently. He was overjoyed that he had helped me during a difficult moment. We gifted each other by presence. What a wonderful gift that is.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Victims' choir.

Hi Maggie,

The holiday is rushing at us, and I still don't feel the spirit.  The forecast for rain certainly does not help. And the changes, of having all of my kids in relationships with obligations to be with other families as well as to ours - it just glares in my face. They are grown, and family is different.

This is when being single is - trying.  I feel alone. I have family and friends, yet there is something about being unpaired...I was thinking about it, about marriage and lack of, and I know I would rather be alone than in a painful relationship.  And there is something about my age, I feel like this is it for me.

I have the baby today and tomorrow and on Christmas Eve, too, when I am scheduled for a short day.  I will work until 9:00 am, and she'll be here at about 9:05.  Today reminded me of when my kids were young. I was trying to wrap gifts, and she was delighted by the rip of removing bows.  I was trying to bake bread - like you, I was making for friends and neighbors.  She was underfoot, taking drawers and cupboards apart. She was not entertained...I found I was not enjoying myself. I was stressing that the house is in toddler-tornadoes disarray...And then I started thinking about her. She is 20 months old. This is her second Christmas, but in the long run, this will probably not even be the first Christmas she remembers. She is being given gifts and sugar almost everywhere she goes.  Her schedule is off.  She is being dragged from store to store by tired adults...and she has no idea it's because we are celebrating a joyful season.

So we sat and read in the middle of the mess. That was my Light...knowing I could bring Light to a situation.

I have a friend's dog here for the week. And I still have our niece's two dogs. And our nephew went home for Christmas. So all of the dogs are in my bed. This is ridiculous!!

Just a final Christmas thought for this day...something I saw on our favorite social media:

Plans change.  People disappoint.  Traditions expire. Release your expectations of the holidays and be open to surprise.       - Cheryl Richardson

That can be my new philosophy for the week.  I'm kinda already there...


And on the Bill Cosby front - another woman said he raped her.  And the pro-Bill media are scoffing at all these women who are suddenly "remembering" 30 or 40 years later. Their attitude, their hatefulness, their willingness to protect the institution of rape no matter who they hurt - it nauseates me.

After I was raped, I said nothing. I didn't tell anyone for a very long time.  I never reported it because I knew it was my fault - my hair was too long. 

But I know who it was, and if he raped others, and  other women started coming forward and telling what happened, I would step forward and join my voice with theirs. But I am not going alone.  This is the classic situation for "Me too."  This is why women are garnering courage and stepping forward to support each other.

Almost like a victims' choir singing the name of the rapist...I kind of like that!!

My bread is done, my oven is off, the pumpkin is off.  I will finish cooking it down tomorrow.  Time for sleep...

Hugs and smiles and so much love to you...

Clare

Celebrate the Light

Clare,

My schedule is really off with the holiday this week. I'm just trying to fit in a few extra things. Today I am baking sweet rolls for 3 Friends- one who supervises my work, one who just had knee replacement and my older friend who rides to and from Meeting with me. I'm heading south tomorrow so I can drop them all off.

I am trying hard to remain in the spirit of Christmas…
Peace…
Love…
Openness.
But little things come along that challenge me. I keep reminding myself of the Heart at Peace.

I was just talking about our recent visit with husband's family with my eldest child. She spent more time with husband's sister than I did. She thinks she is "either off her meds or taking too many of them". I just find her manic energy too much to handle.

I'm finished wrapping the presents that have arrived…
that feels good.
I am ready to celebrate.
Celebrate the Light

I have nothing else in my brain right now.
Love and Light for today beautiful sister.
Maggie

pen pals

Hmmmmm...I never felt distant at home.  I felt frustrated, I felt bossy...but never distant.  Interesting perception.  Thinking back, I was depressed a lot as a teen...maybe you felt that cold.  To me, depression seems like riding in a slow moving wave of cold. Maybe I still have a touch of  hypothermic emotional syndrome, today.

I have always loved writing letters.  I wrote to Grammy and Grandma - but Grammy wrote back. I wrote to her sister, Aunt Ruth.  I wrote to you and B#1 and Mom. I may have written to B#2 a few times... And I had piles of letters from my college sweetheart.  We wrote to each other while we were together, and again in my thirties and through my forties. Email stopped that, though.  Now we comment on Facebook or pop out a quick email.  I know I mentioned an older friend died in April. She was my last pen pal, the last person I exchanged handwritten letters with.

"Diagnosed with breast cancer"  you rode that storm and you survived.  I know that I am good in an emergency. After it is over, I shake and cry and fall apart.  Maybe that is where you are. You rode it out, and now you can relax. Now it's time to shed all of those unused tears.

It is Christmas, you are still here.  You are surrounded by your family.  Diagnosed then survived...then thrived.  You did it.

From now on, when anyone asks if you lost weight, just know the translation is - You look great!  I wonder how I can compliment you! - well, without actively complimenting you.

Family comes in many guises.  Even this where we don't talk to each other, don't count on each other.  The three sibs who have not communicated with you are the three really active abusers.  Your breast cancer probably scares the shit out of them.  We have sexualized breasts, especially in our family.  And even though they have "forgotten" the sexual abuse they inflicted on you, in their hearts they know it happened - no matter how deep it is buried.  I am sure they are terrified, of lots of things.  But this hits to the core of the abuse that defines our family.

B#1 does music ministry in prison sometimes. That was my Light to shine on him today. Maybe you can ask him about that at the family gathering, which I will not be attending, by the way.

Think about your time, and how far you can stretch yourself. Don't rush into prison ministry. Wait until your sons are more settled, then see if you still have the leading.  If you really need dissuaded, ask for a clearness committee...You may not be dissuaded, but you'll be clear.

My Light for the day was sitting up in the middle of the night talking to S#3, feeling like I am not alone.

But today I am alone, well, with four dogs and a cat, but no humans. I am enjoying it!  Our nephew has spoiled me by completely taking over the care of the woodstove, of the dogs, and of the birdfeeders. I will miss him!!  I have to get back in my daily pattern.

But it's okay!!  I enjoy it.

Love and hugs,

Clare

I felt Light

Clare,

I find it very interesting that you wrote to multiple family members while at college. You were so distant while living at home, but then found a meaningful way to connect with me and others after leaving. I guess it's the writer in you.

I had a flood of emotion this morning while meditating. I heard the phrase "diagnosed with breast cancer" in my heart and then the burning of tears in my eyes and nose began. My first reaction was to stop it. Then I remembered the Pema Chodron book, The Places That Scare You…
I decided to let it flow…
Let it wash me from the inside…
and I felt peaceful.
I felt Light.

I am spending today with husband's family…
and then we are decorating our tree as a family.
I am feeling open to the experiences.
I am going to try to have a positive expectation of visiting with his sister,
she's very much her mother…
similar to your mother-in-law…
The first sentence she says to me is generally, "Have you lost weight?"
I was thinking of this yesterday and imagined coming back at her sarcastically with, "only the 5 lbs that were my breasts"…
I think I will hold my tongue and be nice.
I am having a lot of difficulty seeing people who I am "related" to who never acknowledged my disease, diagnosis, surgery or recovery. I haven't heard from his sister in 2 years.
This also is an issue for next weekend…
I have not heard from B#1, B#2 or B#3 since my diagnosis…I don't think I've heard from them since the letter I sent.
Is this family?
Do I have to continue to care?
Most of my being wants to write them off and just move on…
but there is that higher-self within that tells me that this is where the growth lies.
I hate the challenge…
but want to continue to grow as a being…
so I will pray for an open heart, a Heart at Peace towards all.

I'm feeling strangely drawn to prison work…
talk me out of this one please.

Love and Light,
Maggie

Jokes?

Hi Honey,

You do what your body tells you to. You trust yourself.  What I was thinking is that the first days of a cleanse are usually emotionally detoxing also. When I do something like that, I usually choose a down time when I won't be around too many people.

I certainly was not recommending going whole hog on the sugar and alcohol!

When B#1was in fifth grade, his teacher was married to the high school band teacher. She saw a talented, intelligent young man lost in a sea of kids in a poorish home. She made arrangements for him to borrow the school's tuba, and to get lessons at school. He practiced every night.  Mom didn't have to nag him at all.

Because of his success, the school made the same arrangements - for B#2 to have a French horn and for B#3 to have a baritone.  Only B#1 had that innate dedication to practice and learn.

I remember when I was at the school before that one, at the Catholic school, I had asked for a flute, but Mom said we could not afford it.  While I was thinking about this today, I had a memory flood back.  I wanted to play an instrument, so Mom and two other moms with kids my age who had similar aspirations went to Sister and asked if the school would consider offering accordion lessons, and if they would allow accordion players to be part of the school band.

It was a very Lake Woebegone moment...
"Is this a joke?" 
"I'm not sure.  You'll have to ask Mrs. Delana."

So, S#3 is on her way. She is going to fetch her boy home for Christmas.  I have to work tomorrow morning, so they will have time together.  Then a close friend will be here to drop off her dog.  I watch the dog whenever she travels.

B#1...we wrote letters to each other the first year he was in the Navy, which was my second year at university.  I went to visit him when he was stationed in Virginia Beach, and got to be the only girl hanging out with his Navy friends for a couple days.

Later, he came to visit me at school.  I took lots of pictures - I think it was his birthday.  And his room-mate came with him.  A few weeks later there was that horrible accident when B#1 was hit head on by a drunk driver.  Both of his room-mates were killed instantly. He told me a story, later. After the accident, he "woke up" and his two friends were walking away. He got up to follow them, but they turned around and told him he had to stay here.  He said he already knew when the doctors asked Mom and Dad to tell him the others were dead.

It took B#1 a long time to recover from his injuries...

I had the last photos of his friend, which I shared with the friend's mother...but that is another story!

Detox and be of good cheer!!!

Love and hugs and magical times be yours,

Clare

Accept and Appreciate

Clare,

Thanks for the advice…
but…
I've thought about this and eating sugar and drinking wine make me feel grumpy and tired.
I really think that I will celebrate…
but without sugar, caffeine or alcohol.
This cleanse allows you 5 - 6 small meals each day.
It's a high protein, fiber and low fat program.
I've done it before and by the end I felt amazingly healthy.
I decided not to wait until January 1 to feel good inside.
So it is a gift to me.
I may cheat and have a glass of wine at a gathering…
but eating sugar- especially chocolate- makes me witchy (or the B word).
No one needs to experience that over their holidays.

I do remember B#1's tuba…
what a strange choice of a first instrument.
While husband and I were separated I dated a man who plays tuba (and other instruments)…
it has a beautiful sound, but it's so bulky. I remember thinking he was cool because he was in a band. I never saw them perform, but they had a cool name. Shadowpoint- funny how that has to do with Light.

I don't remember the connection between S#5 and B#1. I don't remember being aware of it until her wedding planning and she asked him to "give her away".
That relationship goes against our pattern of alliances. It was always two by two- but they were in succession. S#3 and I, S#4 and S#5, B#3 and B#4…
you know what I mean…
it was an odd number so you were the loner.

Today is the last day that I work before Christmas. I am looking forward to seeing some of my clients because they are so emotional for the holidays. It is a tough time for everyone, but for those that are brave enough to come to therapy during the holidays, it is a time of memories and usually untouched emotions. Yesterday was rich with stories and I was grateful to hear them.

I tried to wrap presents last evening. My chest wall was not happy. I've got to "get over myself" and ask for help, but I don't want to spoil surprises. Even if the gifts are for others, I love to watch everyone react to the opening.

I read something yesterday on social media…
It was something like instead of asking God to fix the messes of your life, saying I cannot wait to see what you have in store for us. It's about living the life you're given and relinquishing some of the control. It made me look at my need for control and quest to perfect.
My idea of perfection is inconsequential…
I just need to appreciate and accept the life I'm living…
right now.

The story of your daughter's friend is sobering. We too are on the periphery of a medical drama that is making me appreciate life and health. Daughter#1's boyfriend's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago. She has had a year of surgery, chemo and radiation- but is well again. Her brother was admitted to the regional medical center 3 days ago with unsteady balance, forgetting words, some weakness and has a large brain tumor. His surgery is today, It is a large tumor and will leave him almost certainly with many deficits. His chances of survival are not good. 3 weeks ago he had no symptoms. He has a 14 year old daughter who lost her mother to suicide several years ago. I hope that they can find peace in these days.
Life certainly is uncertain.
There are no guarantees…
accept and appreciate…
and enjoy the ride.

I love you…
I accept you for the perfectly imperfect, beautiful being that you are…
I appreciate you being here every day.

Maggie

changes in the blink of an eye

You start out reminiscing about how bad last Christmas was, and end up telling me you are doing a 10 day detox cleanse during this Christmas!  Really?  I can see holding back from devouring every chocolate within reach...but a 10 day detox? Please celebrate, love.

I remember your favorite Christmas special was always the Grinch. Let your heart get ten times bigger, just like his. Don't be detox strong over the holidays. Be open-hearted gushy vulnerable strong.(Just being the bossy big sister here...)

I had the brilliant idea of holding B#1 in the Light, then promptly forgot all about him. Great sister I am!!

I remember when we were young, he always took care of S#5. She identified herself as his baby.  The other thing that has always stood out with him is his musical talent. from the time he picked up a tuba - do you remember that was his first instrument?  - he shined.  I was part of folk group at church with him. We did that together for years. We sang at most Saturday night Masses.

My Light today was my middle child. He had a problem with his car, and I was closest place to pull in and check. He pulled into my driveway, got out, opened the hood and climbed underneath. I was curious, but I waited. He replaced a part, then came in. Today they finished work early and he was relaxed, so he hung around for a long time. He is fun to talk to because he is so bright and aware and informed.  And I really like it when my kids feel free to pop in unannounced. He and my youngest are most likely to do so.

My oldest also called. She had an incident where a healthy young friend collapsed.  Of the 60 people there, only one knew CPR, and they kept her alive until the EMTs arrived. She is now in an artificial coma with lowered body temperature. I think my child as shaken to the core by how quickly life can change.

Also, she and a few friends are going to take CPR to make sure they know what to do. I asked if I could join them. It's been years for me.

I found out today that a friend from high school died about a year and a half ago.  I know it happened a long time ago, but for me it feels fresh.  A few others have died, but I didn't feel a lot of sorrow or loss.  But this guy was a friend.  We were a lot the same - nonconformists who were on the edge, only there because we had to be. I remember dancing with him at a club one summer night a few years after we graduated.  I remember him teasing me.

And then we lost touch.  And now he's gone, and I wonder what life gave him. Was he happy?

And so on that bittersweet note, I will make my nightly announcement about being tired, and turn in!

Love and hugs and smiles,

Clare

Light from a smile

Clare,

I am drawn to the idea of holding B#1 in the Light…
I feel it is the right thing to do…
but my memories are so spotty that I'm not sure I can be a reliable source…
but, I will try.
He opened his home to S#4 and her daughters so that she could complete her education.
Bless him for helping her.

I was remembering how last Christmas fell apart at my house. My son got into trouble for dumping our recycling onto some guy's lawn and I drug tested both he and his brother- both came up positive. My oldest stopped coming home, staying out at friends' houses. That was the beginning of my tracking him down and bringing him home against his will. I've promised both that this year will be more trusting.

I had one of my favorite clients today- a 15 year old boy I've been seeing since April. I wanted to get him a present and wasn't sure what to do. I ended up getting him a composition book, some pens (he's a writer), a book from Anasazi, some candy and a disposable camera. He was so excited to get a present, especially the disposable camera. He doesn't have pictures of his family and lives in a group home. He has a 2 day pass to his grandmother's home. It felt good to make him smile. That smile was my Light.

Congratulations on NY banning fracking!!! I hope our new governor imposes stiffer regulations and taxes to make it no longer cost-effective. The only thing that get them out of PA is to make it non-profitable.

I am really tired.
My neck is in spasm.
I started a diet today so I'm cranky (10 day cleanse)
I am having a pity party.
Love and Light,
Maggie

LIGHT!!!!!!!

Hello Li'l Sister,

Today was a day of such Light, of such a gift.  Today our governor banned hydraulic fracturing in our state. When I read the news, I did not believe it. I read it again and was flooded with such hope, such Light, such joy.  Sometimes good prevails.

I danced. I picked up the baby and I danced. And I shed tears of joy.

I have been so involved in environmental activism in the past.  It breaks my heart not to be out there on this issue.  But job, family and lack of car have kept me isolated.  I am so proud of my neighbors who did this.

It is so f**king cool!!!!!

Today was also the day the baby and I made Christmas toes. She was at loose ends and dismantling my house, and so I decided to paint her toenails bright red.  Then we did mine.  This was after we went for a walk in the snow.  She was having a blast, running down the dirt road out front with fat, fluffy flakes floating around her...until...she saw a mud puddle and decided to go wading.  She got a couple pirouettes in before I grabbed her and lifted her out of the water.

So we came in and removed socks and shoes, and put them near the fire to dry.  Since we had bare feet - Christmas toes!

Now, she's finally asleep and I am ready to follow suit.

I love you. I hope you are having a happy day, too.

Clare

annual jag

Hello Love,

I got your Christmas card today. I laughed.

It has been such a day.  We are still up in the air about Christmas.  All of my children are in relationships now, and all have to split celebrations between two families.  I asked my oldest about making plans and she said we should make plans without her and she would see what fit.  She said she is still waiting to see what her boyfriend's mother would like to do.

I really fell apart. I had my annual Christmas crying jag all afternoon.  I thought that maybe I would just skip Christmas this year.  I don't know exactly what I am celebrating anyway.  I started generalizing everything, wondering if I made huge mistakes in the  way I raised the kids.  We had that 10 year stint of no electricity in the small cabin with the hand pump and the wood stove.

I wanted to pop back an email to my daughter, I wasn't sure what I was going to say. But my email account wouldn't work - it wouldn't open. That was the Spirit at work in my life.  I decided to call my youngest son and see what his and his girlfriend's plans were.  He didn't answer the phone.  I cried some more.  Then he called back.

We talked for almost an hour.  He was my Light today.  We talked about family dynamics, and the way I raised them. He said some of our life was strange, but mostly it was good, and it built a strong resilience and a sense of self-sufficiency, a confidence that his peers don't undestand, much less have.  He laughed at me and reassured me.

He is an amazing and perceptive young man.

All afternoon, as I was cleaning my house, I had Pandora radio on, playing the Eva Cassidy station.  I heard one line of one song.  I had to rush to my desk to write it down..."What if your healing comes from tears?"

Spirit was busy with me today.

So I wrote an email back to my oldest and asked if they would be willing to commit Christmas Eve to this family.

I just finished a Friends committee meeting, and so I will check my email to see if she responded after I write this post.

Worship was amazing at the end. It was like I was deep yet Light. I could feel the breath move through me.  It helped that I had been crying.  I softened myself.

You don't have to ask people for their memories at the family gathering.  Just share yours.  The others will join in.

My kids have always had the same reaction about B#1.  We had a mini-controversy at my son's wedding. He didn't want to invite his uncle, because at every family gathering B#1 told him he was a little, and I quote - a little shithead.  My son felt the disgust streaming from his uncle all those years and didn't want to share the day with him.  My oldest felt that if he's family he has to be invited. You were the tie-breaker, as godmother of the groom, you said - "It's his wedding . Let him do what he wants."

After I read your comments. I started thinking about B#1 and the abuse he has gone through, and the abuse he has dished out. I think it causes pain to one's spirit when we hurt someone else. I have more shame and regret for what I have done to others than for what was done to me.

I thought maybe we should start to hold him in the Light every night.  We should think about the good things that he has done, the sweet things we can remember. Maybe if we change our perceptions, he will change. Maybe not, but we will!  We will change.

I realize this is hard for me. As I think about him. I am thinking of the things that made me angry or humiliated or hurt me.  I will work on this tonight and come back with something positive tomorrow.

I love you little sister,

Clare

Trying to maintain a Heart at Peace

Clare,

I do believe that we are primed for a witch hunt…
in professional terms it's called hyper-vigilance…
but the nervous system of abuse survivors is always turned on…
watching,
waiting,
expecting the worst- catastrophizing.
So, when memories, or fragments, come to us we remember them through that lens or series of lenses that tell us no one is truly safe, all are suspicious, even the nicest person can hurt us.
And so we hide our treasures...
protect what little we cling to…
even if it is memories of abuse.

It would be interesting going to the family gathering and asking everyone to tell stories. I feel as if they would question my motives- What is Maggie trying to dredge up now? I will admit, the idea of spending time with B#1 is really making me nervous. He has not communicated with me since my letter several years ago…not even a generic Christmas card. I am imagining him hugging me and acting as if all is well, and then avoiding me the rest of the time…
a repeat of Mom's birthday party.
My kids have all asked who is coming to the gathering. They are excited until the hear that B#1 and family are coming- they feel judged negatively when they are around them. I don't want to go to the dark side here…
I'm trying to have a Heart at Peace.

It will be good to spend a little time with Mom and Dad…
I've imagined a conversation with Dad explaining our past lives together…
It would be fascinating to see his reaction…
but I feel it would be a disappointment.

I took son#2 to the local parochial high school yesterday. He wants to return to school, to attend classes. They have accepted him on a probationary status. He will be monitored and supported through the quarter when he arrives and then less so as he establishes himself. They can ask for drug screens randomly, and will do so if they suspect him using. If he is caught with drugs or paraphernalia they will call the police. He heard them. We talked about it. He understands that they are serious. He wants to attend. He will begin Jan 20, the first day of the second half of the year. He will continue cyber-schooling until then. With the holidays coming that will come quickly. I am relieved because it allows me to go to work and not worry what he is doing all day while I am gone. Boredom is tough, especially for my boys.

So, my Light for yesterday? I've begun reading Les Miserables and am finding much Light and wisdom written by Hugo. So, finally finding a book that calls out to me to be read is my Light for the day.

Love and Light,
Maggie

mem'ries

I remember the incident - of you falling through the ice. I remember Mom talking about it at the time, but more importantly, I remember her talking about it later. She said that incident verified her belief in angels.  She believed the young man who pulled you out of the ice and carried you home was an angel sent to save you.

I wonder why she focuses on the sad and negative. I actually don't remember her reminiscing much at all.  I remember some stories, though....Hmmmm, maybe you can ask her some questions at Christmas time.  It might get the sibs remembering some of our generational stuff.

I am not sure what triggered the memory of Walt and Mable.  It is so random and disconnected. Not something I have ever remembered  before.  But for some reason, neighborhood boys spending time in the shop tapped on my brain.

And it came to me that predators can recognize prey.  And it also seemed like being abused again might have triggered what happened when we moved to our next home, when the abuse of you and S#3 seemed to have begun

Then I have to wonder about witch-hunting. Are we going to suspect every friendly adult of being a predator?

I have a Friend, a big, bearded guy who has a calling to work with youth.  And he has faced questions about why he spends time with teens.  Granted, many of the questions came from someone who was abused when young and generally mistrustful in all aspects of life, but once the questions start - they are out there.  They seem to take on a life of their own, feeding on the pervasive fear we live and breathe.

I took time to search for Walt and Mable, and realized they had to be the same age as Dad's parents, or perhaps a little older. I'm not sure what I was looking for, but I did not find it.

Thinking about predator and prey, I am reminded of a story I wrote about an underground railroad moving runaway kids north along the eastern coast, then to the west, where they are mostly sold into sexual slavery.  I interviewed a man working on the issue who talked about the way predators could identify kids who did not feel connected, kids who were not protected.  It frightens me to remember that we were those kids.

My Light for the day...maybe sharing music - Brother Iz, Willie Nelson, Andrea Bocelli - with the baby, who was wearing a tutu. We put a tutu on her purple elephant, and we all danced.  Definitely a Light moment...joyful.

Hugs and kisses to all, and to all a good night!!

Clare

Fragments

Clare,

It sounds as if you had a good day, connected to people.

I went to husband's church yesterday. His pastor is leaving, so this was a gathering to send her off with love and support. I really enjoy talking with her. It was nice to see some old friends.

There was an advent wreath, lit by a young family with 2 boys. The youngest was overjoyed to be helping. It was a beautiful moment. That was my Light for yesterday.

I don't remember any of our homes until S#4's birthplace. My only memory was falling through ice while walking with B#2. I remember him holding onto the hood of my coat until a larger man came along, pulled me out and carried me home. I'm not sure how accurate the memory is, Mom never talks about it. Come to think of it, she doesn't ever reminisce about when we were kids. I wonder how much she remembers about the events in our lives. When asked to recall her own childhood memories, she spoke of sad, negative things. It would be fascinating to "watch" a movie of her childhood and see
the layers of complexity in her family.

My kids give me a hard time because I don't recall memories when they tell the stories. I'm not sure if I have access to all of the memories of my life- even the enjoyable ones with my kids. How sad it is to go around with only part of your brain accessible.

The memories from that home that you are recalling are fragmented…
sit with them for a while and see if pieces start to fill in and the understanding will improve.
I think that one of the biggest sins of molestation is the on-going distrust of my own recollections…
Did it really happen or am I fabricating?
Did I make that up to call attention to myself?
Why would anyone do that to a little girl? It must be my imagination.
or worse yet…
I must deserve to be treated like this.

I have a day of errands and then back to work tomorrow. I am looking forward to seeing my clients and catch up with them.

Love and Light,
Maggie

memory?

Hello Li'l Sister,

How was your day? I thought today was just for me. I planned to clean, to take a walk.  Instead I went to breakfast with my youngest, her beloved and his family. Nice people. I came home and cleaned. Then a friend came over and we made Christmas cookies and talked...a lot. She was my Light for the day!  It felt good.  Then my older neighbor called, as she does almost every evening.  We all need contact and connection.  It spritzed and sprinkled all day, so no walk.

I am still up in the air about Christmas.  Not quite getting the spirit, but not yet ruling it out.

Yesterday, I had so much to say, but no time. Today I am looking at the keyboard, trying to remember.

Yeah, I had a memory.  I wanted to throw it out at you, although I think you were too young.  When I was 8, so you were  2 or 3, we moved to the central part of the state.  We lived on a busy road that went through the center of town. We lived in a long, narrow house, with only a sidewalk between our house and the next house. It my memory I could touch both with outstretched arms. In reality, I probably had to lean way far to each side to make contact - but the houses were very close.

On one side was our landlord.  We got our black lab from him - an accidental breeding.  The other side was a much older couple - Walt and Mable.  We each had a long narrow back yard, back to an alley, with a garage at the back of the yard, a buffer between play space and alley.  Walt had a workshop in his garage.  He would invite us in sometimes.  I remember being there a few times. I don't know if the boys went often.  But for some reason this all came to mind, because the walls of his workshop were covered with Playboy pin-ups. 

I know that a fondness for Playboy doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I remember being vaguely confused...but I wondered if someone like him could have abused any of us...I don't remember being especially close to them...but I did try to search for them, using the address - which I actually remember.  I was wondering if I would find anything about them.  I don't know if records were well kept then...I feel old writing that.  I also think I just remembered a last name. I will do a quick search before bed.

Wild geese? Maybe...but why did that man come to mind?

Love and hugs and more,

Clare

Trust

Quick check in. I just finished work for today, and I will have my granddaughter soon. Tomorrow is a day just for me, so I will be back then, more fully.

I just wanted to share one thing about asking or not asking your family to come to Meeting.  I have learned to trust that whatever happens is supposed to happen. The last time I started getting upset like this was at S#4's birthday party after you expressed your opinion about my inviting my oldest friend.  (We just had our 40th anniversary of friendship!!)  I was really worried about how to handle it. Then I decided to simply trust, and that whatever happened was supposed to happen. As it turned out, we were able to spend a few hours together on Saturday afternoon, but she had a commitment for the evening and could not come to the party. It was win-win and I was very relieved that everyone could be happy.

Just trust.  If they are supposed to be there, they will.  If the evening is just for you, that is the gift you will receive.

Love and hugs from Clare

More Light to be found

Clare,

I am enjoying these softer days. I walk through my house and notice areas that should be mopped…
and I tell myself that it must wait…
I'm not physically ready to vacuum and mop yet.
I am disappointed that I didn't plan ahead enough to get a good book…
I've been watching home renovation and food competition type shows…
and it's making me brain dead.

Yesterday I made it through the day with no pain meds…
it felt pretty good…
I think I'll transition to Motrin and throw the rest of the "controlled substances" away.
I stayed un-medicated because my youngest had an appointment…
for a tattoo.
He earned it while out in the desert…
as his older brother had.
I took him and they were reluctant because he is 15…
but, after hearing his story they consented.
He had his trail name "Roaring Badger" and a trail sign he designed placed on his right bicep.
The owner of the shop started talking about tattoos as "rights of passage"…
traditionally a part of the young man's ceremony of maturity.
So, now my boys have lived through two rights of passage…
I hope they've left indelible marks on their hearts forever.

Today we are going to some local art galleries and shops and then down to the trolley experience. It should be a good day. I just hope I have the stamina to keep going…the anesthesia affects me for a good week. My Light today will be soaking in all of that artistic beauty and expression.

I can imagine how beautiful your house would be bathed in candle light. Our Meeting House opens for 2 hours each Christmas Eve, lit with only candles, totally silent- except for the comings and goings of attenders. It has become one of my favorite Christmas traditions. This year husband and the family are talking about coming with me. Their church has only one service, 8 pm, we usually all attend the midnight service together. Another issue is that the pastor is leaving after this Sunday, so it will be a stranger performing the service.
I am having trouble giving up my alone time at the Meeting House…
it was the only time that was just mine…
to spend with the divine…
to really feel the depth of love at Christmas.
I am not sure if I can give that up…
but how do I tell them I don't want them along?
Dilemmas…
Dilemmas…

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

flickering lights everywhere

I'm glad you are having soft days.  It is perfect for this time of year.  I have been taking advantage of our busy season and working really long hours.  I am dazed.  I feel so exhausted, that I am sort of outside of myself, or behind myself. After I write this, I think it will be a warm shower and early bed for me.

Both of my daughter's called today, feeling a little emotional.  That is my Light. They need me, and reach out to me.

I have been trying to decide if I want a Christmas tree this year. I have been trying to decide if I want to get out the creche that belonged to my ex's grandmother.  I am not sure how far I want to go into Christmas this year. But I did decide that I want lots of candles. Maybe it's because I have been thinking about the Light each day. but I suddenly "saw" my little house flickering with candlelight.  It was warm and glowy.   I will probably put up some lights, also.

I like the idea of continuing acts of a play at various wineries.

I have been reading the Carolyn Myss book.  I am not much for praying. In fact, I realized I have a hard time defining prayer. I definitely never participate in the kneel on the floor and fold hands ritual.  But I found and tweaked a prayer she wrote, and want to try to remember it.

My version is approximately:
I send my soul into the Light to serve only good in this situation I feel powerless to change.

I feel like I need to write this and post it on the bedroom wall.

So often, I am not sure how to help.  All I can do is listen and acknowledge.  Is this enough?  Especially with my kids when I love them so passionately...

I love your last post heading...I can be happy, even when things aren't perfect.  If we don't surrender to that point, we will never be happy. Life is never perfect. But there are perfect moments! Those are the mental photographs that keep us living, or at least trying!

I have a committee meeting here with two power Quakers who sink into joined, and take me with them.  One Friend said a perfect committee meeting would be no work, just spending the time in worship.  My first thought was...no!  But after sinking and being bathed in the Light, I think maybe I'll go with the plan!  Unfortunately, there is always business!

I'm back on RE and a trustee for my meeting and on M&C and Youth Activities for the region...There's always business!!

Not sleeping well lately.  I'm not sure why.  But a warm shower, and I'll try again.

Hope you are nestled and snug and enjoying your evening.

Love and hugs,

Clare

I can be happy, even if things aren't perfect.

Clare,

I think I'm going to like these boobs.
They are smaller, softer, rounder, not droopy…
but they are also still swollen, bruised and tender to touch.
I still have a midline, horizontal scar (covered in steristrips right now).
I'm not sure how they are going to disguise that scar…
with the nipple tattoo?
I had so much tape on my skin I'm still rolling off the sticky adhesive that has my clothing sticking to my skin and pulling awkwardly. But, 2 showers in, I'm feeling pretty good.

I addressed Christmas cards last night. I folded some laundry throughout the day. I started working on a powerpoint about medical genetics and ethics. It was a good day, but I was aching when I went to bed.
Right now I can only sleep flat on my back, which is OK but not my preference. I kept getting spasms in my feet. My big cat has been sleeping between my feet this week. She got frustrated by my fidgeting and attacked me through the covers. What a circus. I eventually fell asleep.

As I lay there last night I was feeling quite happy. It was a good feeling. I think that was my Light in the darkness. I can be happy, even if things aren't working out perfectly.

I think I'm going to try to step back and let the holiday unfold. I wonder if I am capable of that?

Tomorrow we are going to see daughter#2 in an interesting version of Dickens' Christmas Carol. They have a trolley that starts at a local winery with a wine tasting and introduce Scrooge and some of the characters. After a scene or two they load the trolley and take us to another local business where other actors are waiting to act out their scenes. It's a great way to see a holiday tradition and to get people out to local businesses. I'm really looking forward to it.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

let it flow, let it flow, let it flow

I assumed you knew you would be having day surgery.  I just wasn't ready for that. I'm doing my mother-hen routine. I remember feeling maternal towards you more than once when we were little. 

I am glad you enjoyed the snow.  We got it too.  I keep my desk in front of the window so I can look outside all day long.  I have an intimate relationship with the trees to my west. I watch them year 'round, and share precious moments.

So, what do you think of your new breasts?  Was it worth the pain of the expanders for all of these months?  Do you feel at home with your body?  Can we bear-hug you now?

I haven't started shopping, preparing, cooking, planning for Christmas yet.  I'm not really feeling much anticipation. I think I taught myself that.  I used to dream of, try to create the most magical, most perfect Christmas.  And when I charged at the holiday with that attitude, battling from my yellow "Will" chakra, I was always disappointed.  Now I just let it unfold.  I do what I can and enjoy as many candle-lit moments as I can.  Last year, we spent Christmas Eve playing Crimes Against Humanity. I'm still laughing at our irreverence.

Let's see what this year brings.

My middle son and his wife will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas with her parents. Both are retiring this year and selling her childhood home.  This will be the last Christmas in that home. So already this Christmas is going to be different. I started wondering what would happen if Christmas just didn't happen this year.  The thought does not cause much pain.

My Light for today is probably that I found Grammy's wedding picture, from when she married Grampa Jack.  I was 16.  I was thinking about it. She was 64 years old.  She was short and soft and gray...but she was so beautiful.  I guess the Light is that she is still important, that I still miss and love her, and that I am still grateful for her presence in my life. I am grateful for the example she set. She reminds me that I can be important to my grandchildren, too.

Sometimes I feel old and invisible. Grammy reminds me that is not true.

I am working long days and Saturdays this month - get ahead while I can - so I am tired.  It looks like I may have Sunday free - no work, no grandkids. It is a gift I can truly appreciate!

I will be back tomorrow. I love you!!

Care

Snow day!

Clare,

I knew I was having same day surgery…
sorry, I thought I'd told you that…
I obviously overlooked it…
my apologies.

I am so pleased with the way my body feels right now. I have minimal discomfort and I still have most of my flexibility. In retrospect I believe that I was anticipating a repeat of the mastectomy recovery which was challenging and extended. I am doing light housework, walking around, taking minimal pain meds…it's better than expected.
I get to uncover the boobs today and take a shower. I am really curious to see what they look like. Right now I'm figure-of-eight wrapped, mummy style bandaging. It will be good to release that tension, at least for a little while. I think I have to re-bandage, but I have to check with the office to be sure.

We are having a beautiful snowstorm. It's gentle, quiet and serene. I am feeling lucky that no one has anywhere to go and we can just relax together. I'm feeling a lot more quiet and serene now that the surgery is behind me. I don't think I recognized the anxiety that was causing me. My Light for today will be the reflected sunlight off the new-fallen snow.

I am almost finished Christmas shopping, even though I haven't stepped into a shop. I've tried to buy from online companies that support artists, like Etsy, or charities, like Sevenly. It's been fun.
I still have to find something for Liz's boyfriend. He's always a challenge to buy for. I'll probably get him a gift card for a day of snowboarding at the mountain. I know he'll enjoy it and it's exercise in the fresh air.

Love and Light until tomorrow beautiful sister,
Maggie

transforming pain

Hey Boobalicious!

I waited for a long time yesterday, for an email, letting me know you were okay.  Finally I reached out to S#3. She called right back and told me they let you go home.  That was my Light for the day. Then I freaked out a little, wondering what is wrong with them???  I think day surgery is risky. I wish we were allowed to stay and recover a little longer.

So I was surprised to see you here. Hope you absolutely love the new boobs!!!

My Light for today was from a video clip I watched. Someone put a 2 minute clip from Dr.Who on our favorite social media page.  It was a scene where the Doctor takes Vincent Van Gogh to the Museum D'Orsay to see his own work on display. The Doctor asks the curator what he thinks of Van Gogh.

In the course of responding, the actor talks about taking pain and transforming it to ecstatic beauty.  He talks of the ecstasy, magnificence and joy of our world. The power of these words are with me.  The idea of transforming pain to beauty is resounding in my soul.

I remember dreaming, once, of a garden that was so beautiful it healed you when you entered.  I want the freedom to create beauty that heals. I want to transform pain to beauty...

Maybe I tried to do that by having children...it was a partial success. I need to figure out how to try again...

I hope you are safe and warm and happy.

Loving hugs from Clare

Thanks for the Light

Clare,

I had a long day, but it was good.

The surgery lasted 2 hours long…
much longer than I anticipated.
I met some really wonderful people today.
We laughed with many of them which was unexpected.
It wasn't the nervous kind of laughter…
it was real, heartfelt…
It felt good.

I'm bandaged for 48 hours so it's difficult to appreciate the results
but I can tell they are much softer- Yeah!
They also don't extend as far into my axilla so my arms actually hang close to my body again.

My son seems to be doing well. He's sitting down and talking frequently so I think he's not as frightened this time around.

My brain is fuzzy. I will check in tomorrow…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Heal!!!!!

Hi Love,

You have a week to heal. All else is secondary.

I wish I lived close by so I could do the cooking and tending and the holding things together so that you could heal...

I haven't considered my Light for the day.  Maybe...maybe it was early this morning. I was working and watching out the window as the sun rose. Before sunrise, a huge, hazy snow moon hung low over the larch and evergreen conifers to the west. Then as the day Lightened, the sky turned rosy. The pink flowed slowly across the southern sky and then splashed the clouds along the western horizon.  Both predict a snowstorm, which is coming tomorrow.  Luckily my daughter has off Wednesday through Friday. We'll all be able to sit out the worst of it...unless of course, it is not as bad as predicted.

I had a dream last night that has been on my mind all day.  I was at school...I sort of realized that I dream about this school frequently.  I am learning my way around, but still get confused easily.  Last night I was looking for a specific room for a specific training.  Someone was with me. It may have been my youngest. We were going down a hall toward where I knew there would be elevators. We sort of found them. but cut around behind to the stairs.  In the process we had to take the hall through someone's apartment, and they were not happy.

We came to the right doorway, and I had to bend down to get through it. I had to stoop to walk.  I saw little people and people in wheelchairs. The next part of the room had a lower ceiling, then lower, until I was expected to lie on my stomach and shimmy through. I thought - "I can't fit through there."  and so I backed out. I wokeup feeling claustrophobic and wondering what all I would have to give up to get through...I think my youngest made it through because I lost track of her, and last I knew she was ahead of me.

It was very unsettling. I think I woke up on purpose, because the claustrophobic feeling was too much to bear. As I started to drift back to sleep, I was returning, and so I stayed awake for a few minutes...

Do you think your older son is reacting to another round of surgery and hospitalization?

You will be in my heart all day tomorrow. I love you...and I will be waiting here.

Clare

Quick note

Clare,

I woke up early...
went through my morning routine…
yoga, meditation, journaling, shower…
filled with gratitude for the day…
and then my oldest refused to go to school.
He's too tired and sore from snowboarding yesterday.
I don't know how to live with someone this unmotivated…
he has no sense of responsibility…
only the need for fun and excitement at each possible moment.
I don't know how to relax enough to enjoy his spontaneity…
and he doesn't see the value of a work ethic.

I've got to run. I have a full day of errands before surgery tomorrow. I have to make sure the laundry is done and the cupboards are full…because no one else will do it.
Sorry my bitchiness is emerging.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

Be careful what you wish for...

Clare,

I love the Dark Knight of the Soul…
what a great image.
I was introduced to St. John of the Cross many years ago…
I was still a devout Catholic at the time…
that's just to put it into a time frame…
I would have loved his message even if I were a Quaker.
He wrote a beautiful poem called the Dark Night of the Soul…
It is about the search for divine intimacy despite a spiritual barren time…
true faith pulls you through.
I prayed for a Dark Night…
bring it on…
I want to be tested.
After this past year I'm not sure I'm really prepared for this.
I still have great faith…
but feel far removed from that warm, comforting sense of the Divine.
What was I thinking?
That I have the spiritual stamina of the saints?
I actually think that sheer stubborn-ness and perseverance will pull me through all of this…
and there will be Light.
Moral of the story…
be careful what you wish for.

I have the Dark Night of the Soul if you want to read it.
St. Theresa of Avila were soul mates…
confidants…
friends…
their descriptions are much different…
but their experience as deep as the other.

I went to Meeting today…
taught First Day School…
We were working on the Christmas skit script and I laughed out loud…
probably too loud as Meeting for Worship was down just a short hallway with only one door shut between…
but it made me feel Light to be with those 3 young men.
They were so full of humor today…
silliness is more like it.
I needed that today.

We had potluck today…
I sat and chatted with a friend who has prostate cancer…
he's on hormonal therapy to block testosterone.
We commiserated about our hormonal mood swings, and hot flashes.
It was good to talk with him and laugh.
His wife thought we were nuts…
but you either laugh or cry…
the choice seems obvious.

I am blessed. I am surrounded by people who care. I just have to have my eyes open to their compassion.
One of my favorite songs is
Open my eyes…help me to see your face.
Open my ears…help me to hear your voice.
Open my heart…help me to love like you.
I need to sing that over and over…make it my mantra.

I have a week of no work…with clients.
I have a week to focus on myself and my family.
I have a week to appreciate and question my perspectives.
That's a lot of Light for one week.

Love and Light beautiful Sister,
Maggie

Cookies

Light...people in my life. I had a strange headache yesterday.  It just didn't feel right.  My neighbor called to complain about her sinuses, and I realized I was feeling the beginnings of a sinus infection. I have only had one sinus infection, right after my youngest son was born. That was the last time I took antibiotics...almost 28 years ago! That was probably the sickest I have ever been.  After I realized it was a sinus headache, my granddaughter showed me a massage technique her other grandmother    taught her to drain her sinuses. It worked beautifully!

And today, the Light was - sunshine.  Real, physical light.  I had three grandchildren overnight. It has been a gloomy week. The sun came out and we went out and explored the woods by the house. We found things I have never seen before.  Life is always more interesting from a child's perspective.

I thought I would have time to sit here and think and to share.  But my neighbor called and wanted to talk. Now I am exhausted.

No brilliant thoughts to share...

Just a story.  This weekend we made gingerbread houses.  In my imagination, we play Christmas carols and enjoy time together and make memories.  In reality, we are commenting on siblings stealing our ideas.  I had a moment of frustration, then remembered, I am grateful to be here. now...and I let go of expectations.  So we decorated the faces of the cookies that will be glued together with frosting, later.  I moved them out of the sun, and we went outside. Came back and found Emily chewing cardboard...she was actually licking the frosting off the roof.  The roof had a reindeer and a caramel chimney...My little one was pretty good natured about the destruction.  I promised to make new roof pieces and new sides for his house.  And everyone has had a laugh,

That has been my day...

Love and hugs,

Clare

Shining

I don't know...I think you and S#5 are the sexiest sisters of the five of us.  You two look like you can run and jump and - you both look healthy.

So if I have to be beautiful, you have to be sexy.

Yes, you do have to reschedule your day to have your centering time.  For me, it's really just after I go to bed.  I can relax and think about the people I love most, to circle them with Light.  I can check in with my body and feel if anything is off.  Personally, I LOVE to be up early in the morning. I am most aware, alive - I always got up way  before the kids to do - whatever. 

In summer, I am most me in the dawn Light, especially if I am working with flowers or herbs.  I can hear the Earth sing.  It is magical, truly mystical.  Unfortunately, I work at 5:30 am now, and so I don't have that time.

Reading Entering the Castle and pondering the dark night of the soul as a mystical experience - pain and depression as mystery.  On of my Lights late last night was a phone call from my daughter-in-law. I know when the phone rings late that it's a problem. She was in such emotional pain.  The Light is that they are letting me in, letting someone into their dark night.  It's a start.  I am praying for guidance, and asking a specific Friends for a lead.

Almost wrote "the dark knight of the soul."  That could be a new super hero...

My big Light today was...Remember when we went to North Carolina in March?  I bought a new pair of black jeans to wear, but they were too small.  I could almost get them up my thighs.  The fly gaped way open. They were uncomfortably tight.   Today I wore them to go grocery shopping.  The waist is snug, but the thighs are quite loose.

I'm still off sugar.  And I am still standing at work.  I ate a gingerbread star at Thanksgiving, and it didn't taste great.  Maybe I have lost my taste for pure sugar.  I'm not going to test that theory on a Heath bar or anything.  I am just going to believe.

For New Year's I will attempt to get off wheat, especially since I have been reading about that final dose of Round-Up being put on wheat just before harvest to force grain development.  We are not just eating wheat and gluten, we are eating glyphosate.  No wonder we are all so sick!

Working tomorrow, then making a gingerbread house ith grandkids.  The Light is already shining in my mind!!

Love and hugs, sexy one...

Clare

Hibernate and rejuvenate

Clare,

I needed a laugh this morning…
"sexy little sister"…
not owning that right now…
but thanks.

I am preparing for a dozen college women staying at my house this weekend.
I'm making grocery lists and checking the pantry…
I'm looking at what really needs to be cleaned before they arrive…
I'm taking blankets to the laundromat so that they are fresh and clean…
my washer is acting up…
I am realizing that they aren't coming here for a 5 star experience…
that are coming to raise money for families that really need their love and support.
Their THON child and her family were planning on joining us for dinner on Saturday…
but she is in the hospital…
not sure of the details.
I love having these women here.

I am losing my morning practice…
yoga, meditation, getting myself ready.
It is changed because of the new schedule with sons at home. I guess I have to sacrifice and go back to getting up at 5:45 to fit it all in. I hate early morning, but if I don't claim that time my day feels "off".

I realized that I haven't been clearing myself after clients…
maybe that is one reason I am feeling out of sorts.
I've got to create a ritual and then follow that.

I just want a reason to be feeling so shitty. I've had such hope recently. I've felt the growth and change that is happening in my family. Perhaps it is time to be quiet and let those changes solidify into habits. Perhaps I want to keep moving forward and the universe is telling me to slow down. Perhaps winter really is a time to hibernate and rejuvenate. I'll have to sit with this.

My Light yesterday? I attended a holiday gathering for the board of directors of the women's shelter last evening. A friend, who is also on the board made vegetarian "meat"balls out of Freekah and pumpkin mac and cheese because she knows I eat vegetarian. I am reminded that people care and I am grateful.

I am blessed.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

laugh

Hello beautiful, sexy little sister,

I'm glad you are connecting with S#4. We all need each other.  We all have something different to offer.  If you ever want to talk to me about anything I don't think to ask about, I am available.

With the prodigal sons, we don't know the ending...it's an ongoing saga.  We change and grow and love and we are something else, but we are part of a never-ending story. Your story is about change...now...growth comes next, maybe.

Maybe it's a story of faith versus control. 

I started reading Entering the Castle...Carolyn Myss.  I have this feeling of foreboding. But it's all about faith, being in the heart, trusting our process and our path and our roles in each other's education.

I was up early this morning, as always.  I commented on it being Wednesday, the week was half over.  I was talking to someone in Europe. He told me that in his country it was Thursday.  At that time I was looking out my front window.  I saw my table top reflecting the full moon, and thought we had a new layer of snow overnight.  I was surprised - that was not in the forecast.

So that was my Light today. I got to laugh at myself.  I am a bit lost, but still having fun on my path.

It is nice out, and the baby is not here today.  Her mama has the day off.  I need to do many chores I have been putting off.

I love you. I'll be back tomorrow.

Clare