I also cringe at the sound of a belt. I don't know if it happened to me, although I tend to think it did. I think this could be the source of escaping from my body - the reason I have not been in for so many decades. But I also think we are damaged by what we hear and see. When someone else is being hurt, there is a sense of relief - it's not me. And a terrible sense of guilt - because it's not me. We hear the belt, and we know someone will be hurt. The nausea begins...
I don't have anything more about the sense of being restrained. When it creeps close, I stop breathing. I panic. I was reading my baby book (Another advantage of being the oldest - I get the baby book. I know B#4 has an empty book. B#2's name was written in it, crossed off, then B#4's name written in...I think I am the only one with an actual baby book...) and found that by the time I was 6 weeks old, mom had "lost" her milk and I was on a formula of cow's milk, water and brown sugar. I wish I could get my hands on the doctor who gave her this advice and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. He had no right to do this to me! So then there are comments about me being constipated, and Mom had to do yet another enema. I wonder how closely this mimics sexual abuse. And I wonder if this is the source of the feeling of being restrained and of impending doom. And if so, I wonder how to even consider this...But I also wonder about the source - society or personal - of this type of healthcare, these choices...why it seemed like good parenting practices.
And I have wondered about constipation and food allergies - dairy allergies, and about constipation as a reaction to sexual abuse.
When I went to Al Anon, I heard clearly and frequently, and learned to believe - You can not take care of anyone but yourself. We are here together - you and me. We have each other. Our experience is not validated nor disempowered by anyone else. It's you and me and lots and lots of love between us. We are not here in order to draw any of our siblings in. We are available, but that is not my goal and I'm going to nag at you if it is your goal. And we all know I am the bossy one!! Their participation will not make what is happening more authentic. I love them all, passionately, I miss them and I want them in my life. But I am content to stand here in the open until someone, anyone wants to hold my hand and talk.
I'm glad I can't tell if anyone has looked at our struggles, read our words. If they have, you know this is overwhelming - it's a lot to think about. It's a lot to consider how our truth fits with their truth...you know??
I am sorry you can't come for dinner and wine, although I completely understand. What is strange, though, is just last night my middle child called to see if you were coming. He is so reserved that this was a little out the norm for him...but he wanted to show his son off to you. I think only S#3 has met the boy. I haven't talked to my kids about this work we are doing. So he is picking up this need for family connection from the ethers!!
I hope you have a chance to relax this weekend. I am working tomorrow, and no grandkid sleepovers this weekend...I will miss them!!
I miss you, too...Love, Clare
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