ramblings on illness

I am thankful for you in my life.

Alone... I do feel alone, but not in a pathologic way though.
I feel as if I am self-reliant...but have to remember that I can lean on other people.
I have been talking with so many people who have similarly distant, dysfunctional families...
Me Too is part of my daily life these days.
So, while I am connecting with people in important ways, I am not getting sucked into any dramas.

I am procrastinating today...
I have a paper to write on my own, personal approach to mental illness...
our understanding of the causes, the exacerbating factors, the outreach and therapy offered.
I am procrastinating because I know that this is going to be intensely personal and may not be received well.
I have so many thoughts on mental illness...
first of all the body isn't separate from the head and that there shouldn't be a consideration of mental apart from physical illness...
also a large portion of people suffer from the stress of trauma...one of my supervisors and friend said, "study trauma, everything starts with trauma."
I really believe that alot of the issues are a result of being paralyzed by fear...
I am beginning to see that more and more clearly all of the time.
I think alot has to do with young, even preverbal memories...
it is much like you described with the uncertainty of being picked up...
will this touch be loving and tender...or painful and confusing?
I remember when mine were young...I didn't let them "cry it out"...
I remember you telling me that studies showed that attending to the crying reinforced trust and ultimately led to less crying...
more stable connection...and ultimately a better maternal-child bond.
It lead to years of inadequate sleep, but it was worth it.

Anyway...I am reading alot about wounded healers...and trying to separate my feelings and reactions to avoid influencing the client...
I think that's BS...
If I can't allow the other person to intuitively know that I am empathetic or sympathetic...
that this is a Me Too interaction, without unloading my issues onto them, then neither will ever create a relationship that is capable of healing anyone.

It only takes one, concerned, loving, adult to change the outcomes. That still amazes me...but the human spirit is strong and resilient...and connection can heal...

So what are the questions that can be found in the swamp?
Are they questions that will heal?
Like, am I enough, just the way that I am?
Are they questions that will hurt?
Like, why weren't we protected and cherished?
Why is the truth dangerous?
Why is our family willing to cut out a member rather than look at reality and truth?
I feel as if I am the animal's leg, caught in the trap...
able to be chewed off...
sacrificed for the survival of the whole...
but what they fail to see is that the "trap" is truth and life.
Why does the family allow members to reenter when they once again fall into the family's way of thinking...and puts on their plastic face...smiling and pretending..
despite the painful memories.
I am thinking of B#2 when I write this...
has he re-entered the family because he has chosen to accept the past and live from that point on?
I think that he has re-entered because he once again has silenced that truth within himself. Ican't say for certain...I do not know his mind and motivations...
but there is a pattern here...one that has been carried out over and over again in our family of origin.
I heard an interview with Wendal Berry this week and he talked about environmental destruction (illness) coming from a disconnect with the land and nature's rhythms...
our illness has roots in disconnect...with our care-givers and our own soul.

I keep coming back to that fact that the peson/people who gave me hope were outside of the Delana family...I keep asking myself, as we have so many times in this blog, how did our clan get so dysfunctional that no one was well enough to see, realize and act to save us.

The answer to all of this is connection...in a deep and multi-layered way.


Love and blessings
Maggie