The holidays are here again. We are about to go rushing through the next month, having moments when we just wish it was over. I remember hating Christmas, because it was never the way I wished it would be. I just wanted it to be over.
I still stress, because I never have the money to just relax and do what I want - and I am not extravagant. But I have learned to relax and let Christmas just be whatever it needs to be.
I love Thanksgiving. We usually spend the day cooking, playing guitar, singing, picking at one-time-a-year foods until the feast is ready. I love that slow time together. It feels real. But I gloss over the spats between siblings which take me back to our spats and to hard feeling with my in-laws. And this year I will let go of...something...because my ex is coming. I am very proud of the way we have spent most holidays together, never forcing our children to split themselves or choose a parent. But with him here, I will not be quite as relaxed. I will be slightly on edge, always watching my words and my reactions. I know it is because I don't completely trust him anymore, and I don't want him know me anymore.
I have dreams of the way holidays should be. (I loved Maeve Binchy's Christmas book - Next Year Will Be Better!) About two years ago my neighbor let me plant in one of his fields. I planted about 50 pounds of potatoes and harvested over 300 pounds. One Saturday afternoon, two sons, two girlfriends, two kids and I harvested potatoes for hours. We bagged potatoes for the neighbors and shared! That was harvest, and the feast made from those potatoes was Thanksgiving. I love the old, authentic harvest feasts when people celebrated harvesting and storing enough food for the winter. I would love to be able to glory in the abundance, and in the realization that we can live on this Earth, as part of this Earth.
But no, we will have family drama. Remember the year I was 19 and I refused to come home for Thanksgiving because Dad was so rude to my boyfriend? I think that is just part of breaking away from the family and establishing self as an adult. So, my youngest is at that point. She is breaking away - and it's painful, but necessary.
I just had one of those very strange thoughts...many young people have a very hard time breaking away from family of origin. We all did it easily. We just never bothered to remake the bond as adults. Or maybe we weren't welcome to...
And Christmas...I love baking cookies, I love sending cards, although I could not afford that for quite a few years - probably including this one - and cards were always a favorite part of the holiday. (You always have the best cards! I love getting them.) I love celebrating light in the dark time of year - which is what the holiday is all about. And traditionally, Advent, this period between Thanksgiving and Christmas was a time of waiting and of preparation. Then we were supposed to celebrate the 12 days of Christmas from December 25 through your birthday. Now people put up all the decorations the day after Thanksgiving, haul out the goodies and start having parties while still shopping and baking and preparing and the whole month has become schizophrenic. Then...the day after Christmas, when the celebrations are supposed to begin, everyone has their tree thrown out by the curb. It makes me sad to see that.
Now I am a hold out. If I am going to put up a tree, it does not go up until solstice. I knew an older Friend who did that, then burned it on Summer Solstice. I loved the way it pulled the year together. And I don't take the tree down until January 6, or later. Last year it was still up in February, so we decorated it in hearts.
Nothing seems authentic anymore. I wish I lived in authentic...
Hope you are having a great Monday!!
C.
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