Connected

I see your point about envying someone who is pregnant, and rethinking decisions.  But my oldest is still young enough to change her mind, and I think she knows it.  I think that most of our worries, dramas, and resentment are about our own issues.  I think my oldest regrets not finishing her degree.  She is trying to figure out the most expedient way to finish her bachelors, because she can earn her masters where she works.  I think she was hoping her sister would do it "right".  I can see that her pressure is grounded in wanting her sister to be strong, stable and independent.

Three of my kids have talked to me about each other.  We have a drama brewing...and  I am already tired, and sincerely hoping they can slide into an accepting, loving pattern.  One good day can become two...and maybe someday we can have a dynamic, supportive communication pattern.  What I want all of them to know is that their siblings don't need their approval, they just need their love and support.

And what I have noticed about you, little sister, is less walls, more fences.  It is easier to access you, to feel you.  Sometimes the slats of your fence close in, but it's not a wall anymore.

And, just for argument's sake, I say many times sex is used to avoid connection, or maybe to simulate connection.  We mostly don't have sex to deepen a full, open, communicative relationship.  I see so many people completely directed by media.  Movies, etc. try to shock us.  One does it, others follow suit, it becomes normal.  Everyone brags about three-ways or lesbian sex - whatever is hot at the moment.  And it's done to be cool.  Sex has lost it's meaning.  When two people are using sex to connect, no one else is there - so that is not entertaining.  But it's what we long for.  And if we are lucky, every once in awhile boundaries dissolve and we understand something deeper, we understand the gift.  But instead we use sex to avoid actually being vulnerable and open hearted before one other person.

If we really knew how to have sex, really valued sex and the connection - there would be no more sexual abuse.  We would recognize the violation immediately.

I just took a pumpkin cheesecake out of the oven  and put rye bread - from Grandma's recipe - in the oven.  I am tired, but I do love cooking.  I love Thanksgiving, too.  Please pray for joy in my household - that we take joy in each other.

I send you all my love...Clare