joyful today

I understand the lack of confidence that your youngest feels.
This past summer I had to (figuratively) push my oldest to do her study abroad...
it sounded great and glamorous...
until it is time to drive to the airport.
The night before she left I told her that I have never regretted taking steps forward when I have been scared...
so scared that I could have easily gone back to the safety of my bed...
But I have regretted the times that I allowed the fear to win.

She left...
had a wonderful experience...
and when she came home she wrote on a white board in her room,
"Do one thing everyday that scares you."
I pray that your youngest finds herself in all of this...
doesn't wait around for a man to decide...
listens to your wisdom.

I went to Meeting today and was overwhelmed by a feeling of lightness and peace...
I felt not just happy, but joyful today...
What a wonderful feeling...
I've almost forgotten what it felt like to be joyfully interactive with people.
What a blessing.
I was joking with a man who loves to pun...
he was telling me about true north and magnetic north and we talked about the shifting poles...
all of a sudden he made a joke about me being 'bipolar'...
I was taken aback for a second...
and then warned him that he might not want to meet my bipolar sides...
he laughed...not understanding how close he was to the truth.
I toyed with the idea of telling him that I just may be...but decided to let that moment pass.

Your dream has many layers...
the first and most obvious to me is Dad telling you to change because you aren't right...
nothing we do is right...
and he feels free to tell you in front of a multitude of people...
especially family members...
probably to prove superiority...
I am confused by your attempts to rewrite your life (the resume) to please both of you...
You have always seemed to be indifferent to his negativity...
You have always seemed to be unaffected by the bullshit...
I will contemplate the rest...
let me know any insights that you have...it's fascinating.

As for the isolation...
I too, especially when I am feeling negative, keep myself removed...
and then cry on the inside because no one wants to be with me...
unless of course they need something from me...
which is also a recurrent theme in my life...
I am only valuable in the moment or period of service...
otherwise I am invisible.
I can see that this is a self-enforced prison (of sorts)...
I have the power to choose differently and interact...
but sometimes I want to see what will happen...
Just once I want someone to notice and invite me, encourage me to join.
Sounds very immature when I type it...
but there are parts of me that are immature and parts that are old and wise...
the maiden and the crone I guess.

3 more weeks this semester...
then one more to go.
Have you ever looked into a Masters program like you talked about? Just curious.

Love and blessings,
Maggie