Perfect Moments

The holidays are always challenging.  That may be the point!  I don't think we ever have perfect holidays, but we do have perfect little moments, and that is what counts.

Do I think the oldest is envious of the youngest's pregnancy?  I sincerely doubt it.  My oldest has declared that she does not want children.  My youngest has always wanted them.  I think what I see is classism.  My oldest treats my youngest like she is not as aware, mature, ready, able to deal.  It is pretty much the same way my ex-sister-in-law treated me.  And to be honest, my parents-in-law, too, for awhile - although that passed and we developed a loving relationship.  But their dream for their son/brother never included a crazy hippy chick who preferred not to wear shoes, nursed toddlers, and didn't send kids to school.  And there was always this underlying assumption that they thought I was looking at them and wishing I was as cultured and classy as they were.  They never suspected that I loved them, but adopting their lifestyle...uh, No, thank you.

But my ex-sister-in-law was really cruel to me, which was part of the reason we moved so far from their home.  I am hoping my oldest can see that she can't fix anyone, but she can drive us apart.

My oldest sees the youngest as wasting her life.  It is part of our drama.  My oldest sometimes fixates on her sister, she can avoid looking at her own pain, her own loss of direction.  And my youngest can be oh so dramatic about her sister, and they both feel comfortable, because no one has to face their own pain or real change.

My oldest can be judgmental, and I hear the same from her father.  All I can do is love them all, and refuse to be drawn into the drama.  No Me, too for this game!!

Humans are tribal.  We want and need each other.  And unfortunately, our experience of belonging and of tribe comes from our family of origin.  That's why I want you and S#3.  That's why I want Mom and siblings.  That's why I want to want Dad.  I want to get it right.  You are my people.  I want to have people.  But we are so damaged and prickly (prickly being me especially) that we can't get close.  Our family is like playing goose pile with a bunch of porcupines!!  Maybe I should do some research and find out how porcupines play.  Maybe it would give me some direction.

We absolutely must focus on the children.  We must support the mother-child/family-child bond.  And we need to remember, it does not take a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support the family that is raising the child.  This ultimate kindness is the only way out of the swamp.  And as we become kinder and more humane, there will be plenty of compassion and attention left over for the sick, and those in pain.

Why don't we trust in abundance.  All we  heard as children was,  "We can't afford..."  we knew there was not enough for us.  Many other children knew the same words.  And so when we get something we cling to it.  And we want more and more to insulate us from not enough.  But we also block the flow.  We dam our lives with things, so there is no room for anything new to flow in.   I think this message is for me, but I'm not sure what I need to get rid of.

Erma was my hero...Love you, because you are my hero, too!

Clare