I know, I know!

Hi Love,

I know the video wasn't about leaving anyone out, and I never thought that it was.  But the photos caused such a big breakthough for me.  I suddenly understood the way I isolate myself, I keep myself distant, then feel bad because I am not included.  I see my own drama, the game I play and replay waiting for a different outcome.  That was what I was trying to share.

I always told my kids to find what they are passionate about, then pursue it.  If it needed a degree, go to school.  If not, do what needed to be done.  The strange thing is that my youngest always knew best what she wanted to do.  Her problem seems to be that she doesn't feel good enough about herself to try.  I think our nephew is similar - he has the harsh words of his father in his psyche.

The interaction with my ex was pain-free.  It was friendly, and I was truly relaxed.  Many times when he is with us, I am gritting my teeth, holding my tongue just a little.  I am never truly myself.  This time I was relaxed, but private.  Maybe I have a better sense of my boundaries.

So, things just got dramatic here.  My youngest got home from work and found a note from her boyfriend saying - We need a break.  Don't try to find me.  Apparently things have been tense lately, trying to rely on her part-time income.  I had a chance to ask her what she wanted.  She said she was going to wait and see what he wanted.  I told her that too often women do that, but we never stop to think about what we want.  She needed to stop and think about what she wanted, what behaviors were acceptable.  I just pray she makes the wisest decision, and tries not to subject her child to the chaos.  This is the second time he has broken off with her.  He comes back almost immediately, but it's a drama pattern.

Ah, the eclipse.....

And with your description of your kids...I was brutal with you younger sibs.  I could have a nasty mouth, I called you all terrible names.  I don't know if I was keeping you in your place as much as discharging pain and repeating patterns of the adults in my life.

The wine and dine was fun.  There were 11 adults and 7 kids here.  My little house was filled with laughter.  There was a moment when I was standing apart from everyone, and I could hear one of my dearest friends and my daughter-in-law laughing as they washed dishes, I could hear another friend, S#3 and my oldest friend laughing at the table, my kids were talking, the younger kids were carrying on - and it was magical.  I loved the way the house felt.  Then I had Thanksgiving here, and I am having friends here for lunch tomorrow.  It feels right!

There will be another wine pairing dinner.  Interested?

Hope you all have a loving rest of the weekend!

Clare