You spoke your truth. You should be proud of yourself and who you are. And when the person receiving your story heard it, she was probably filled with empathy and respect. One thing that jumped out at me is that she wondered why the women were not truthful in a safe place. Because, no place is safe. The only one who thinks it is safe is her, the speaker...
My youngest is staying with a friend, trying to avoid the ex. She didn't have to work from Tuesday through today. He is trying to contact her, but she is not ready. Right now, I am the only one who will respond to him. I have so much compassion, because I can tell that his motivating factor in life is shame. He is ashamed of the way he was raised and of choices he has made, and really, of who he is. That doesn't mean his behavior is acceptable. As long as they continue to play victim, they are setting themselves up for the same relationship again and again. Only the names and faces will change. I am trying to lead my daughter to a more mature place - but it's her journey, and again, I have to trust her.
But yes, the plan is that she will move back in with me and have the baby here, and try to keep her job, and take some internet courses until she has the freedom to take evening classes. I am currently moving out of the large bedroom, since there is room for a crib and changing table.
Life changes.
She asked me to tell her Dad. I told him that the kids knew they could always come home, if they needed me or needed sanctuary, they were welcome. So he said she was welcome there, too, if she needed an escape. I also relayed your invitation to her.
To be honest, when I saw her Facebook post, my first thought was, let's step away from the drama. But, then I called her to make sure things were okay. She said she was fine, and that we could talk tomorrow. Your message will be welcome. I have been thinking that I need to try to help her understand how beautiful she is. I have also been thinking about balance.
She dated someone for a long time, who let her walk all over him. She broke up with him, because she didn't respect him, and he was so young he had no idea what to do! Then she found two guys, both older, who want to control her. She ended up getting really hurt both times. She needs to find a balance. But with our background, I wonder how long it will take to recognize it.
In thinking about her, I started thinking about myself and my total lack of trust in myself. I am still afraid of repeating my marriage - different face, same story...know what I mean? I am still afraid to be vulnerable. Men notice me, I ignore it. I am such an ass!
I am really looking forward to your survey results. Every time we have an eclipse, something big happens. This time, you got the grandmas, I got a grandbaby!
I am not working this weekend. Woohoo! After this, I will work almost every day until Christmas. I am already tired! This weekend, I am going to move furniture and sleep. I have a cold I just can't kick, so I am going to sleep it off. I hope.
I liked your dream-type analysis. I go for long periods of not remembering, then I will have a spell of remembering. When I remember, I try to jot something down that will remind me so I can unearth the details later.
I hope you have a fun weekend. Getting ready for Christmas?
Love you, Clare
Friday, November 30, 2012
shame, isolation and secrecy...the constant companions of the abused
Well, I do have to be continued dreams...
I have deja vu dreams...
I have weird science dreams...
I have house dreams...
and sometimes I go through periods of time when I don't remember any of my dreams.
I don't like it when I can't recall the dreams...I feel as if I miss opportunities.
I have not gotten my ancestral surveys back yet...I will keep you posted.
I had a meeting with the CEO of the domestic violence shelter today...
she was talking about research that a woman was doing about the lack of disclosure of sexual abuse in women who are staying admittedly for domestic violence...
she thought it was surprising that women would not be fully truthful in a safe place.
I teared up...
and proceeded to tell her about shame, isolation and secrecy...
the constant companions of the abused.
I told her that I was a survivor of incest and a dysfunctional alcoholic family. I told her that although I was outwardly functional and successful no one ever saw the real me. I presented the acceptable plastic me. I told her that I trusted no one and that my marriage almost ended because I couldn't trust a man that I had known for over 20 years.
No, I won't trust you...no matter how nice you seem...
I have been taught that I am garbage...and I believe it at my core...and once you discover who I am you will abandon me as quickly as possible.
I suggested that she watch Brene Brown's TED talks to gain a better understanding.
Sometimes the opportunity to raise understanding opens the way and I am glad that I found the courage to tell my story and verify the experience of so many abused people. Blessings.
This is a journey through the swamp to escape the lessons of childhood...
but I have learned that life's lessons don't lessen us...they call us into action...or stunt our growth if we allow them to.
I saw your youngest's facebook post today...
it broke my heart.
I started to respond and couldn't find the words to tell her that things will improve...
just trust the journey...
but she lacks the basic value of trust as well...especially in trusting herself.
I am sending her love.
Is she back in your house?
I am going to send her a message that she is beautiful, kind, talented and worthy of respect and real love...that is what popped into my head and it feels right.
I love you.
Send you love and Light,
Maggie
I have deja vu dreams...
I have weird science dreams...
I have house dreams...
and sometimes I go through periods of time when I don't remember any of my dreams.
I don't like it when I can't recall the dreams...I feel as if I miss opportunities.
I have not gotten my ancestral surveys back yet...I will keep you posted.
I had a meeting with the CEO of the domestic violence shelter today...
she was talking about research that a woman was doing about the lack of disclosure of sexual abuse in women who are staying admittedly for domestic violence...
she thought it was surprising that women would not be fully truthful in a safe place.
I teared up...
and proceeded to tell her about shame, isolation and secrecy...
the constant companions of the abused.
I told her that I was a survivor of incest and a dysfunctional alcoholic family. I told her that although I was outwardly functional and successful no one ever saw the real me. I presented the acceptable plastic me. I told her that I trusted no one and that my marriage almost ended because I couldn't trust a man that I had known for over 20 years.
No, I won't trust you...no matter how nice you seem...
I have been taught that I am garbage...and I believe it at my core...and once you discover who I am you will abandon me as quickly as possible.
I suggested that she watch Brene Brown's TED talks to gain a better understanding.
Sometimes the opportunity to raise understanding opens the way and I am glad that I found the courage to tell my story and verify the experience of so many abused people. Blessings.
This is a journey through the swamp to escape the lessons of childhood...
but I have learned that life's lessons don't lessen us...they call us into action...or stunt our growth if we allow them to.
I saw your youngest's facebook post today...
it broke my heart.
I started to respond and couldn't find the words to tell her that things will improve...
just trust the journey...
but she lacks the basic value of trust as well...especially in trusting herself.
I am sending her love.
Is she back in your house?
I am going to send her a message that she is beautiful, kind, talented and worthy of respect and real love...that is what popped into my head and it feels right.
I love you.
Send you love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Leave it to you...
Your dreams are so cool! It sounds so amazing! But leave it to you to be the scientist, and hand out questionnaires! I dream family and I dream ice storms and sandals and chaos - of letting everyone else's chaos swallow my life!
So now everyone has their questionnaire. You'll have to give them time to fill them out. I can't wait until your bursts of intuition take us someplace new. This is so cool!! Have you ever had "to be continued" dreams before? I went to school every night in dreams for a period of time. I saw a friend going to another class in a dream one night, and so I called him in waking life and told him. He said, yeah he was there, but we were in different classes. I love my friends!!
Once you mentioned your chameleon-like qualities, I recognized it in myself. It's part of the "being silent" me. When I do emerge, I show a part of myself that matches the person I am interacting with. I remember realizing once, many years ago, that none of my close friends truly knew me. I only showed a part of myself to each. I remember wondering what that meant about me. I have a better idea now.
I think family relationship do repeat. I wondered, once, if Dad was so harsh with B#3 because he had a photographic memory and a beautiful singing voice and Mom was always so delighted with him. I also think it's because B#3 looks like Mom's brothers and father. I think B#3 was close to Mom, they understood each other. And so I think Dad went after him. He hated my intelligence, often criticizing me and telling me for someone who was supposed to be so smart ___________ (fill in blank with last stupid thing I did)...Because I think he resented Mom's success in high school. Dad didn't like himself - or he was ashamed of himself - and targeted those parts where he felt dark and Mom shone and detested those aspects in us. How convoluted was that? Just the same, I was pregnant with my youngest son after my ex and I bought our farm, and my ex was only home on weekends. In a way that was when we became our own family and he was an occasional guest. My youngest son was mine, although the middle one was most attached to me. He refused to be left home with his Dad when young. I often wonder if he singled out the youngest because he was my first baby, rather than our baby, although we weren't purposely keeping him out. Just by being gone he missed 70% of what happened. And he only called home once a week.
I don't know. I got very close to all of my kids during that time - we had to work together. And he missed a lot. By criticizing them he was really attacking me in a roundabout way.
Am I making any sense tonight?
We only got a dusting of snow. We never seem to get really harsh weather here.
You were right about the dog. It was the same color as the flint. Very strange. After I picked it up and petted it, it became a rich color. So it went from chameleon to vibrant and alive. Maybe that will happen to me! Maybe it is happening to me...
The eclipse was today. Emotions are still high, but I feel like we are about to blast forward. Am I ready???
Sleep well, have interesting, expository dreams!
Love you lots and lots, Clare
So now everyone has their questionnaire. You'll have to give them time to fill them out. I can't wait until your bursts of intuition take us someplace new. This is so cool!! Have you ever had "to be continued" dreams before? I went to school every night in dreams for a period of time. I saw a friend going to another class in a dream one night, and so I called him in waking life and told him. He said, yeah he was there, but we were in different classes. I love my friends!!
Once you mentioned your chameleon-like qualities, I recognized it in myself. It's part of the "being silent" me. When I do emerge, I show a part of myself that matches the person I am interacting with. I remember realizing once, many years ago, that none of my close friends truly knew me. I only showed a part of myself to each. I remember wondering what that meant about me. I have a better idea now.
I think family relationship do repeat. I wondered, once, if Dad was so harsh with B#3 because he had a photographic memory and a beautiful singing voice and Mom was always so delighted with him. I also think it's because B#3 looks like Mom's brothers and father. I think B#3 was close to Mom, they understood each other. And so I think Dad went after him. He hated my intelligence, often criticizing me and telling me for someone who was supposed to be so smart ___________ (fill in blank with last stupid thing I did)...Because I think he resented Mom's success in high school. Dad didn't like himself - or he was ashamed of himself - and targeted those parts where he felt dark and Mom shone and detested those aspects in us. How convoluted was that? Just the same, I was pregnant with my youngest son after my ex and I bought our farm, and my ex was only home on weekends. In a way that was when we became our own family and he was an occasional guest. My youngest son was mine, although the middle one was most attached to me. He refused to be left home with his Dad when young. I often wonder if he singled out the youngest because he was my first baby, rather than our baby, although we weren't purposely keeping him out. Just by being gone he missed 70% of what happened. And he only called home once a week.
I don't know. I got very close to all of my kids during that time - we had to work together. And he missed a lot. By criticizing them he was really attacking me in a roundabout way.
Am I making any sense tonight?
We only got a dusting of snow. We never seem to get really harsh weather here.
You were right about the dog. It was the same color as the flint. Very strange. After I picked it up and petted it, it became a rich color. So it went from chameleon to vibrant and alive. Maybe that will happen to me! Maybe it is happening to me...
The eclipse was today. Emotions are still high, but I feel like we are about to blast forward. Am I ready???
Sleep well, have interesting, expository dreams!
Love you lots and lots, Clare
peaceful...at least for now
I have to tell you that the dream of the crowd continues...
and as dreams do it is intertwining several aspects of my life...
confusing but interesting...
the latest is that these are the ancestors, although I can't single any one person out yet...
and I have asked them to complete a survey about child abuse in their life...
last night I told myself to persevere long enough to receive the answers, but I don't remember getting anything concrete...
or even a feeling about it.
I am anticipating tonight...hopefully it will return and continue to add information...
shed the light on the past.
I had a long talk with my wise friend today and was explaining my 'chameleon' traits...
blending in successfully whatever the circumstance...
she was talking about that being a characteristic of alcoholic families...
but I thought of the little dog in your dream...
elusive...
camouflaged...
blending...
but the part that I like most is that once you actively found it the color changed and it was no longer invisible...
your acknowledgement gave it the courage or energy to manifest new, outstanding colors.
The relationships that your kids have seem very much like a repeat of some of our (familial) relationships...I think of B#3 when you describe your youngest's experience with his Dad...
it is amazing that he found the courage to advocate for himself at a young age...
most people never find that type of courage.
My boys are out playing in the one or two inches of snow that we got yesterday...
they are really having fun building snowboard jumps together...
Life is always good...
but it is especially so when the house is peaceful.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
and as dreams do it is intertwining several aspects of my life...
confusing but interesting...
the latest is that these are the ancestors, although I can't single any one person out yet...
and I have asked them to complete a survey about child abuse in their life...
last night I told myself to persevere long enough to receive the answers, but I don't remember getting anything concrete...
or even a feeling about it.
I am anticipating tonight...hopefully it will return and continue to add information...
shed the light on the past.
I had a long talk with my wise friend today and was explaining my 'chameleon' traits...
blending in successfully whatever the circumstance...
she was talking about that being a characteristic of alcoholic families...
but I thought of the little dog in your dream...
elusive...
camouflaged...
blending...
but the part that I like most is that once you actively found it the color changed and it was no longer invisible...
your acknowledgement gave it the courage or energy to manifest new, outstanding colors.
The relationships that your kids have seem very much like a repeat of some of our (familial) relationships...I think of B#3 when you describe your youngest's experience with his Dad...
it is amazing that he found the courage to advocate for himself at a young age...
most people never find that type of courage.
My boys are out playing in the one or two inches of snow that we got yesterday...
they are really having fun building snowboard jumps together...
Life is always good...
but it is especially so when the house is peaceful.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Hi!
If you are hanging out with our ancestors, say "Hi" from me! That might be the way into the answers/wisdom we were seeking. Pay attention to your intuition. You might be ready to provide the insight we need to make a big step into understanding.
You hit me hard with the insight about the dog. It might be a part of me. And I do feel a kinship with dogs, even though I am truly heart-attached to my cat. I have two friends who are psychic. They don't know each other, but have given me the exact same message more than once. They have both told me that this puppy is coming to me. They have both said that I am not going to go and get a new puppy, but that it would come to me. I told them both that I am not ready for another dog. I have been reading a lot about terriers, and I think the dog in the dream was a Cairn or young Wheaten terrier. Terrier means of the earth, and the dogs are supposed to be bright and stubborn. It could represent me!
My kids' relationships with their dad is not healthy, and not always easily analyzed. Those relationships influence the sibling relationships. My youngest wants a daddy. That's part of the reason she is drawn to older, controlling men. She also has no idea of how beautiful she is, and that some men see her as a score rather than a human being. She wants her daddy, but not the one she has. She doesn't want one that spends most of his time drunk and can say nasty, biting things. That has gotten worse as he has spent more time wallowing in alcohol.
I will pass on your invitation,. She may want to come in the winter. Right now she has a job she loves in an industry where she sees a future. This is good for her!
I think there was noticeable abuse with my youngest son. To me it was obvious, but I guess it really was subtle. And I don't know why. This kid was always sweet and helpful and gregarious, smiling and ready to be loved. His dad just didn't like him, acted like he didn't trust him, didn't want him around, always suspecting the worst. Maybe he reminds his dad of his dad. Grandpop was much the same as my son - gregarious and ready to talk to anyone, and a natural leader. He was hard to live up to, but my youngest could be just like that. He is lost, a little, though, trying to find himself or prove himself. He was able to express himself once and tell his dad that he really needed a strong male in his life when he was growing up and he really resents his dad for not being there. They have been better friends since then.
I was worried about Mom's continued pain. I talked to her last week, though, and she was pretty reassuring that this was normal, she was healing. Dad's pretty psychic. If he's worried, there is probably something to worry about...
Dinner time. We're having split pea soup tonight.
Love from Clare
You hit me hard with the insight about the dog. It might be a part of me. And I do feel a kinship with dogs, even though I am truly heart-attached to my cat. I have two friends who are psychic. They don't know each other, but have given me the exact same message more than once. They have both told me that this puppy is coming to me. They have both said that I am not going to go and get a new puppy, but that it would come to me. I told them both that I am not ready for another dog. I have been reading a lot about terriers, and I think the dog in the dream was a Cairn or young Wheaten terrier. Terrier means of the earth, and the dogs are supposed to be bright and stubborn. It could represent me!
My kids' relationships with their dad is not healthy, and not always easily analyzed. Those relationships influence the sibling relationships. My youngest wants a daddy. That's part of the reason she is drawn to older, controlling men. She also has no idea of how beautiful she is, and that some men see her as a score rather than a human being. She wants her daddy, but not the one she has. She doesn't want one that spends most of his time drunk and can say nasty, biting things. That has gotten worse as he has spent more time wallowing in alcohol.
I will pass on your invitation,. She may want to come in the winter. Right now she has a job she loves in an industry where she sees a future. This is good for her!
I think there was noticeable abuse with my youngest son. To me it was obvious, but I guess it really was subtle. And I don't know why. This kid was always sweet and helpful and gregarious, smiling and ready to be loved. His dad just didn't like him, acted like he didn't trust him, didn't want him around, always suspecting the worst. Maybe he reminds his dad of his dad. Grandpop was much the same as my son - gregarious and ready to talk to anyone, and a natural leader. He was hard to live up to, but my youngest could be just like that. He is lost, a little, though, trying to find himself or prove himself. He was able to express himself once and tell his dad that he really needed a strong male in his life when he was growing up and he really resents his dad for not being there. They have been better friends since then.
I was worried about Mom's continued pain. I talked to her last week, though, and she was pretty reassuring that this was normal, she was healing. Dad's pretty psychic. If he's worried, there is probably something to worry about...
Dinner time. We're having split pea soup tonight.
Love from Clare
Monday, November 26, 2012
Intriguing dream
The dream is intriguing. You say it is about your son, but the first part is all about you. Is there a connection between life circumstances that is different than your other kids? Was he specifically treated inappropriately or was that part of the dream?
You focused on the snake/pen...poison words...but to whom are they poisonous?
I was intrigued by the elusive dog that was like a chameleon until you sought him and found him.
I was toying with that image today...
you have a strong connection to dogs...
you like to disappear into the surroundings...present but unnoticed...
Could it be that you are finding that portion of yourself and at least you have invited it back into the action...It changed color once it was found...and was no longer invisible.
I am still dreaming about crowds of people...
in different settings...
nothing is sticking in my memory except alot of people and activity.
This morning while I was in the shower I wondered if it was our ancestors...
I am not sure why that idea hit me, I don't have an answer.
Your youngest has always seemed to have a bittersweet relationship with her father...
wanting to be Daddy's girl...
but ambivalent...
when she's with him she quickly wants to leave, and yet she keeps trying...
how confusing that must be to her and to him.
Maybe he is seeking out the connection because he has something to offer...
or at least feels that he has something.
She can stay here if she wants to connect with him, but not actually stay with him.
She is always welcome.
I spoke with Mom and Dad this evening...
it was brief and superficial...
but I checked in.
She is having pain from her surgery...
Dad's worried, but he won't say anything specific.
I have to get the boys to bed...
Blessings,
Maggie
You focused on the snake/pen...poison words...but to whom are they poisonous?
I was intrigued by the elusive dog that was like a chameleon until you sought him and found him.
I was toying with that image today...
you have a strong connection to dogs...
you like to disappear into the surroundings...present but unnoticed...
Could it be that you are finding that portion of yourself and at least you have invited it back into the action...It changed color once it was found...and was no longer invisible.
I am still dreaming about crowds of people...
in different settings...
nothing is sticking in my memory except alot of people and activity.
This morning while I was in the shower I wondered if it was our ancestors...
I am not sure why that idea hit me, I don't have an answer.
Your youngest has always seemed to have a bittersweet relationship with her father...
wanting to be Daddy's girl...
but ambivalent...
when she's with him she quickly wants to leave, and yet she keeps trying...
how confusing that must be to her and to him.
Maybe he is seeking out the connection because he has something to offer...
or at least feels that he has something.
She can stay here if she wants to connect with him, but not actually stay with him.
She is always welcome.
I spoke with Mom and Dad this evening...
it was brief and superficial...
but I checked in.
She is having pain from her surgery...
Dad's worried, but he won't say anything specific.
I have to get the boys to bed...
Blessings,
Maggie
It's a good thing
I think this will help my youngest become the woman she has the power to be. Already she is talking about her future, and trying to provide the best possible for her baby. I just hope she remembers this resolve when it gets tough. Already it is tough. She has pregnancy emotions and the ex is trying desperately to get her to talk to him, and she is not ready.
Do one thing every day that scares you!
I like that...especially when the one thing is intentional!!!
I took a long walk today and had a sense of being whole. It was as if I were seeing myself, and seeing myself from a new perspective, but I was in myself, not hovering above myself, not afraid to get in. I don't exactly have words, but I think it's a good thing.
Back to my dream - I think I can stay calm in the face of the family violence and act nonchalant, but I do want Dad to love me and accept me way deep inside. Maybe I was looking at those last traces of the young girl who wants a daddy.
I am glad to know that you have the same pattern: feeling invisible unless someone needs something. I know that is a recurring theme with S#3. Somehow the Me, too makes me feel like part of the sisterhood! Now we just need to develop a positive sisterhood. We are all strong and intuitive. Can we find a link there?
I am still wondering about the half snake/half pen. Will someone's words be poisonous? I was relatively unworried. I am very worried about what I will find about my ex's interactions with my youngest. My ex never seemed to like the youngest as much as the others. My oldest son says he feels guilty because he is his father's golden child, and I know the middle one feels invisible as far as his father is concerned. He often tells me - It's not like you, Mom. I like hanging out with you! My boys are all so amazing, I just can't imagine anyone not liking them... The girls, too, but the dream was about my son.
I have my application ready for grad school, but my taxes are not settled because of the money my youngest made last year. So until that is all straightened out, I can't apply for financial aid. So it is on hold, but still in my heart. I spent time yesterday helping my oldest organize her entrance essays for finishing her bachelors - she is pushing forward and finding herself. It is so beautiful to watch!
It is late and I have to work in the morning, so sleep well, sweet - or at least interesting - dreams!
Clare
Do one thing every day that scares you!
I like that...especially when the one thing is intentional!!!
I took a long walk today and had a sense of being whole. It was as if I were seeing myself, and seeing myself from a new perspective, but I was in myself, not hovering above myself, not afraid to get in. I don't exactly have words, but I think it's a good thing.
Back to my dream - I think I can stay calm in the face of the family violence and act nonchalant, but I do want Dad to love me and accept me way deep inside. Maybe I was looking at those last traces of the young girl who wants a daddy.
I am glad to know that you have the same pattern: feeling invisible unless someone needs something. I know that is a recurring theme with S#3. Somehow the Me, too makes me feel like part of the sisterhood! Now we just need to develop a positive sisterhood. We are all strong and intuitive. Can we find a link there?
I am still wondering about the half snake/half pen. Will someone's words be poisonous? I was relatively unworried. I am very worried about what I will find about my ex's interactions with my youngest. My ex never seemed to like the youngest as much as the others. My oldest son says he feels guilty because he is his father's golden child, and I know the middle one feels invisible as far as his father is concerned. He often tells me - It's not like you, Mom. I like hanging out with you! My boys are all so amazing, I just can't imagine anyone not liking them... The girls, too, but the dream was about my son.
I have my application ready for grad school, but my taxes are not settled because of the money my youngest made last year. So until that is all straightened out, I can't apply for financial aid. So it is on hold, but still in my heart. I spent time yesterday helping my oldest organize her entrance essays for finishing her bachelors - she is pushing forward and finding herself. It is so beautiful to watch!
It is late and I have to work in the morning, so sleep well, sweet - or at least interesting - dreams!
Clare
Sunday, November 25, 2012
joyful today
I understand the lack of confidence that your youngest feels.
This past summer I had to (figuratively) push my oldest to do her study abroad...
it sounded great and glamorous...
until it is time to drive to the airport.
The night before she left I told her that I have never regretted taking steps forward when I have been scared...
so scared that I could have easily gone back to the safety of my bed...
But I have regretted the times that I allowed the fear to win.
She left...
had a wonderful experience...
and when she came home she wrote on a white board in her room,
"Do one thing everyday that scares you."
I pray that your youngest finds herself in all of this...
doesn't wait around for a man to decide...
listens to your wisdom.
I went to Meeting today and was overwhelmed by a feeling of lightness and peace...
I felt not just happy, but joyful today...
What a wonderful feeling...
I've almost forgotten what it felt like to be joyfully interactive with people.
What a blessing.
I was joking with a man who loves to pun...
he was telling me about true north and magnetic north and we talked about the shifting poles...
all of a sudden he made a joke about me being 'bipolar'...
I was taken aback for a second...
and then warned him that he might not want to meet my bipolar sides...
he laughed...not understanding how close he was to the truth.
I toyed with the idea of telling him that I just may be...but decided to let that moment pass.
Your dream has many layers...
the first and most obvious to me is Dad telling you to change because you aren't right...
nothing we do is right...
and he feels free to tell you in front of a multitude of people...
especially family members...
probably to prove superiority...
I am confused by your attempts to rewrite your life (the resume) to please both of you...
You have always seemed to be indifferent to his negativity...
You have always seemed to be unaffected by the bullshit...
I will contemplate the rest...
let me know any insights that you have...it's fascinating.
As for the isolation...
I too, especially when I am feeling negative, keep myself removed...
and then cry on the inside because no one wants to be with me...
unless of course they need something from me...
which is also a recurrent theme in my life...
I am only valuable in the moment or period of service...
otherwise I am invisible.
I can see that this is a self-enforced prison (of sorts)...
I have the power to choose differently and interact...
but sometimes I want to see what will happen...
Just once I want someone to notice and invite me, encourage me to join.
Sounds very immature when I type it...
but there are parts of me that are immature and parts that are old and wise...
the maiden and the crone I guess.
3 more weeks this semester...
then one more to go.
Have you ever looked into a Masters program like you talked about? Just curious.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
This past summer I had to (figuratively) push my oldest to do her study abroad...
it sounded great and glamorous...
until it is time to drive to the airport.
The night before she left I told her that I have never regretted taking steps forward when I have been scared...
so scared that I could have easily gone back to the safety of my bed...
But I have regretted the times that I allowed the fear to win.
She left...
had a wonderful experience...
and when she came home she wrote on a white board in her room,
"Do one thing everyday that scares you."
I pray that your youngest finds herself in all of this...
doesn't wait around for a man to decide...
listens to your wisdom.
I went to Meeting today and was overwhelmed by a feeling of lightness and peace...
I felt not just happy, but joyful today...
What a wonderful feeling...
I've almost forgotten what it felt like to be joyfully interactive with people.
What a blessing.
I was joking with a man who loves to pun...
he was telling me about true north and magnetic north and we talked about the shifting poles...
all of a sudden he made a joke about me being 'bipolar'...
I was taken aback for a second...
and then warned him that he might not want to meet my bipolar sides...
he laughed...not understanding how close he was to the truth.
I toyed with the idea of telling him that I just may be...but decided to let that moment pass.
Your dream has many layers...
the first and most obvious to me is Dad telling you to change because you aren't right...
nothing we do is right...
and he feels free to tell you in front of a multitude of people...
especially family members...
probably to prove superiority...
I am confused by your attempts to rewrite your life (the resume) to please both of you...
You have always seemed to be indifferent to his negativity...
You have always seemed to be unaffected by the bullshit...
I will contemplate the rest...
let me know any insights that you have...it's fascinating.
As for the isolation...
I too, especially when I am feeling negative, keep myself removed...
and then cry on the inside because no one wants to be with me...
unless of course they need something from me...
which is also a recurrent theme in my life...
I am only valuable in the moment or period of service...
otherwise I am invisible.
I can see that this is a self-enforced prison (of sorts)...
I have the power to choose differently and interact...
but sometimes I want to see what will happen...
Just once I want someone to notice and invite me, encourage me to join.
Sounds very immature when I type it...
but there are parts of me that are immature and parts that are old and wise...
the maiden and the crone I guess.
3 more weeks this semester...
then one more to go.
Have you ever looked into a Masters program like you talked about? Just curious.
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Crazy Dream
I had a dream that felt like it lasted all night. I know I won't be able to remember all the details, so I wanted to get as much down as possible.
There were a lot of people in my house, especially a lot of extended family. Mom and Dad were here. I had an interview at 1:00. Dad found my resume and told me it was wrong and that I had to change it. I was trying to change it in a way that suited us both, and I realized I was going to be late. I looked out the window and an ice storm was beginning. I only had a pair of sandals to wear on my feet. I wasn't dressed. No one wanted to drive to the nearby city where my interview was being held. I went upstairs to change, knowing I could not make it in 30 minutes. I found my checkbook lying open on the hallway floor.
I woke up and got out of bed for a few minutes, then went back to sleep and was back in the dream.
I was in the city where my interview was being held. I realized I had no idea what the interview was for. Again, there were dozens of people, we seemed to be on a second floor landing. There were two immense men - one was a security guard and one was a police officer. They were checking and dismissing groups of people. I was waiting when I realized they were looking for me and my youngest son - who was in the group somewhere. They had discovered that my ex had been cruel and behaved inappropriately with my son.
All of the people started screaming and trying to get away from something. Snake! I went to see and saw a very small creature - the front half was a snake, the back half was a Bic pen. With the help of another woman, we got the snake in a coffee mug and I started taking it down the stairs. With each step it became more snake and less pen and it became larger and larger. I insisted it was not poisonous, but with each step it's venom glands seemed to swell. It may have been a copperhead. I was not at all concerned. I got to the bottom step and put the cup down because I was aware of the dog.
I suddenly remembered that I have been trying to capture a very elusive dog in my dreams for a very long time.
I have no idea how I saw it, but I found the dog on a shelf hiding behind large pieces of flint. It was the same color as the flint. I reached in and picked it up and started petting it and talking to it and it turned a rich color and came to life. I think it was a Cairn terrier....
Weird, huh?
There were a lot of people in my house, especially a lot of extended family. Mom and Dad were here. I had an interview at 1:00. Dad found my resume and told me it was wrong and that I had to change it. I was trying to change it in a way that suited us both, and I realized I was going to be late. I looked out the window and an ice storm was beginning. I only had a pair of sandals to wear on my feet. I wasn't dressed. No one wanted to drive to the nearby city where my interview was being held. I went upstairs to change, knowing I could not make it in 30 minutes. I found my checkbook lying open on the hallway floor.
I woke up and got out of bed for a few minutes, then went back to sleep and was back in the dream.
I was in the city where my interview was being held. I realized I had no idea what the interview was for. Again, there were dozens of people, we seemed to be on a second floor landing. There were two immense men - one was a security guard and one was a police officer. They were checking and dismissing groups of people. I was waiting when I realized they were looking for me and my youngest son - who was in the group somewhere. They had discovered that my ex had been cruel and behaved inappropriately with my son.
All of the people started screaming and trying to get away from something. Snake! I went to see and saw a very small creature - the front half was a snake, the back half was a Bic pen. With the help of another woman, we got the snake in a coffee mug and I started taking it down the stairs. With each step it became more snake and less pen and it became larger and larger. I insisted it was not poisonous, but with each step it's venom glands seemed to swell. It may have been a copperhead. I was not at all concerned. I got to the bottom step and put the cup down because I was aware of the dog.
I suddenly remembered that I have been trying to capture a very elusive dog in my dreams for a very long time.
I have no idea how I saw it, but I found the dog on a shelf hiding behind large pieces of flint. It was the same color as the flint. I reached in and picked it up and started petting it and talking to it and it turned a rich color and came to life. I think it was a Cairn terrier....
Weird, huh?
Saturday, November 24, 2012
I know, I know!
Hi Love,
I know the video wasn't about leaving anyone out, and I never thought that it was. But the photos caused such a big breakthough for me. I suddenly understood the way I isolate myself, I keep myself distant, then feel bad because I am not included. I see my own drama, the game I play and replay waiting for a different outcome. That was what I was trying to share.
I always told my kids to find what they are passionate about, then pursue it. If it needed a degree, go to school. If not, do what needed to be done. The strange thing is that my youngest always knew best what she wanted to do. Her problem seems to be that she doesn't feel good enough about herself to try. I think our nephew is similar - he has the harsh words of his father in his psyche.
The interaction with my ex was pain-free. It was friendly, and I was truly relaxed. Many times when he is with us, I am gritting my teeth, holding my tongue just a little. I am never truly myself. This time I was relaxed, but private. Maybe I have a better sense of my boundaries.
So, things just got dramatic here. My youngest got home from work and found a note from her boyfriend saying - We need a break. Don't try to find me. Apparently things have been tense lately, trying to rely on her part-time income. I had a chance to ask her what she wanted. She said she was going to wait and see what he wanted. I told her that too often women do that, but we never stop to think about what we want. She needed to stop and think about what she wanted, what behaviors were acceptable. I just pray she makes the wisest decision, and tries not to subject her child to the chaos. This is the second time he has broken off with her. He comes back almost immediately, but it's a drama pattern.
Ah, the eclipse.....
And with your description of your kids...I was brutal with you younger sibs. I could have a nasty mouth, I called you all terrible names. I don't know if I was keeping you in your place as much as discharging pain and repeating patterns of the adults in my life.
The wine and dine was fun. There were 11 adults and 7 kids here. My little house was filled with laughter. There was a moment when I was standing apart from everyone, and I could hear one of my dearest friends and my daughter-in-law laughing as they washed dishes, I could hear another friend, S#3 and my oldest friend laughing at the table, my kids were talking, the younger kids were carrying on - and it was magical. I loved the way the house felt. Then I had Thanksgiving here, and I am having friends here for lunch tomorrow. It feels right!
There will be another wine pairing dinner. Interested?
Hope you all have a loving rest of the weekend!
Clare
I know the video wasn't about leaving anyone out, and I never thought that it was. But the photos caused such a big breakthough for me. I suddenly understood the way I isolate myself, I keep myself distant, then feel bad because I am not included. I see my own drama, the game I play and replay waiting for a different outcome. That was what I was trying to share.
I always told my kids to find what they are passionate about, then pursue it. If it needed a degree, go to school. If not, do what needed to be done. The strange thing is that my youngest always knew best what she wanted to do. Her problem seems to be that she doesn't feel good enough about herself to try. I think our nephew is similar - he has the harsh words of his father in his psyche.
The interaction with my ex was pain-free. It was friendly, and I was truly relaxed. Many times when he is with us, I am gritting my teeth, holding my tongue just a little. I am never truly myself. This time I was relaxed, but private. Maybe I have a better sense of my boundaries.
So, things just got dramatic here. My youngest got home from work and found a note from her boyfriend saying - We need a break. Don't try to find me. Apparently things have been tense lately, trying to rely on her part-time income. I had a chance to ask her what she wanted. She said she was going to wait and see what he wanted. I told her that too often women do that, but we never stop to think about what we want. She needed to stop and think about what she wanted, what behaviors were acceptable. I just pray she makes the wisest decision, and tries not to subject her child to the chaos. This is the second time he has broken off with her. He comes back almost immediately, but it's a drama pattern.
Ah, the eclipse.....
And with your description of your kids...I was brutal with you younger sibs. I could have a nasty mouth, I called you all terrible names. I don't know if I was keeping you in your place as much as discharging pain and repeating patterns of the adults in my life.
The wine and dine was fun. There were 11 adults and 7 kids here. My little house was filled with laughter. There was a moment when I was standing apart from everyone, and I could hear one of my dearest friends and my daughter-in-law laughing as they washed dishes, I could hear another friend, S#3 and my oldest friend laughing at the table, my kids were talking, the younger kids were carrying on - and it was magical. I loved the way the house felt. Then I had Thanksgiving here, and I am having friends here for lunch tomorrow. It feels right!
There will be another wine pairing dinner. Interested?
Hope you all have a loving rest of the weekend!
Clare
catching up from the holidays
I have been trying to enjoy the company of my family...
which I do with each individually...
once they are together they vie for attention...
and criticize each other...
the oldest is especially rough on the youngest..
and he quietly takes it...
all the while taking it to heart...
I want him to see her misguided advice is really a way to help him...
even though she can be brutal at times.
The dynamic is universal I believe...
we all have a place...
and damn it the family will keep you in that place.
I try to show the kids that the younger ones are really not different than they were at a similar age and they have grown and matured in a wonderful way...
patience...
kindness...
respect...
support...that's what families do for each other.
The video wasn't meant to make anyone feel left out...
I actually asked daughter #2 to choose the pictures. I spent 2 hours on the road home wednesday evening and had the idea of a musical greeting...then I put it into her hands.
The past is past...let's not isolate anymore.
I have spent two, long days writing my personal understanding of disease and effective interventions...
I have had to try to condense my thoughts and make them flow in a meaningful way...
It isn't due for 2 weeks so hopefully I will be able to continue my edits.
My insight, unsolicited of course, is that your youngest daughter never really wanted to attend college...everytime she got close she created a drama that postponed her applying or starting.
I see the same dynamic with S#3's son, who says he wants an education and decent job, but never really materializes one.
Perhaps they need to have time and space to explore.
Perhaps your oldest is now mature enough to understand the value of education and will be internally motivated.
I am wondering if my son#1 will be ready for higher education when he is finished with highschool...
he is smart...
but lacks that internal drive and has no goals yet...
it will be interesting to see what happens.
I am curious if your new levels of insight had any impact on your interactions with your ex? You don't have to answer...just curious.
How was your wine and dine weekend with the ladies?
I love you...
Maggie
which I do with each individually...
once they are together they vie for attention...
and criticize each other...
the oldest is especially rough on the youngest..
and he quietly takes it...
all the while taking it to heart...
I want him to see her misguided advice is really a way to help him...
even though she can be brutal at times.
The dynamic is universal I believe...
we all have a place...
and damn it the family will keep you in that place.
I try to show the kids that the younger ones are really not different than they were at a similar age and they have grown and matured in a wonderful way...
patience...
kindness...
respect...
support...that's what families do for each other.
The video wasn't meant to make anyone feel left out...
I actually asked daughter #2 to choose the pictures. I spent 2 hours on the road home wednesday evening and had the idea of a musical greeting...then I put it into her hands.
The past is past...let's not isolate anymore.
I have spent two, long days writing my personal understanding of disease and effective interventions...
I have had to try to condense my thoughts and make them flow in a meaningful way...
It isn't due for 2 weeks so hopefully I will be able to continue my edits.
My insight, unsolicited of course, is that your youngest daughter never really wanted to attend college...everytime she got close she created a drama that postponed her applying or starting.
I see the same dynamic with S#3's son, who says he wants an education and decent job, but never really materializes one.
Perhaps they need to have time and space to explore.
Perhaps your oldest is now mature enough to understand the value of education and will be internally motivated.
I am wondering if my son#1 will be ready for higher education when he is finished with highschool...
he is smart...
but lacks that internal drive and has no goals yet...
it will be interesting to see what happens.
I am curious if your new levels of insight had any impact on your interactions with your ex? You don't have to answer...just curious.
How was your wine and dine weekend with the ladies?
I love you...
Maggie
Friday, November 23, 2012
Intuitive
I worked a few hours today, even though it's a holiday weekend. And I participated in my annual Buy Nothing Day Celebration. Actually, I lied - I bought two stamps.
A friend came to visit for a few hours this afternoon, and we talked a lot about family dynamics, addictions, pain...From the work that you and I have been doing here, everything is clearer than it has ever been before. It's almost like we each wear our pain - like a badge of honor - and it identifies us and shows in our behavior. We can almost tell someone's story by discussing the patterns they are using to survive now. And then those of us in relationship with them, these stories are evident too. We draw near to our best teachers.
The other thing that shocked me is that I have become so much more intuitive. The right words are coming out of my mouth!
It has been a day of knitting and leftovers. I hope you and your kids are having a fun weekend together.
Love to you all...Clare
A friend came to visit for a few hours this afternoon, and we talked a lot about family dynamics, addictions, pain...From the work that you and I have been doing here, everything is clearer than it has ever been before. It's almost like we each wear our pain - like a badge of honor - and it identifies us and shows in our behavior. We can almost tell someone's story by discussing the patterns they are using to survive now. And then those of us in relationship with them, these stories are evident too. We draw near to our best teachers.
The other thing that shocked me is that I have become so much more intuitive. The right words are coming out of my mouth!
It has been a day of knitting and leftovers. I hope you and your kids are having a fun weekend together.
Love to you all...Clare
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Delight
Happy Thanksgiving! We survived another holiday!
I actually had a nice, relaxed day. It was easy to find that safe zone where everyone is okay and they all like each other. I remember my mother-in-law and her desire for us all just to show up dressed nice, be kind to each other and make memories. It often seemed fake then, but I understand a little more now.
My day started with emotion. I watched your video of your music and family photos. It was beautiful. I saw the two photos of the sisters, and I started to cry. I started thinking about being invisible and the pull between being safely alone and the draw toward being noticed. And I felt the division inside me. I felt the hurt person withdrawing, and I felt an ooey-gooey mama type emerging. That mundane little piece about the two wolves that live within us popped into my mind. Which wolf survives? The one you feed.
And I decided to feed the ooey-gooey mama. I decided to see the beauty of each person I encountered. I decided to see their strengths and intelligence. We all know our shortcomings. We all know everyone else knows our shortcomings. I want to be that source of nurture. I want to be the person who reminds others of their Light, their gifts.
All day, I looked at each person with delight. And everyone was delightful.
Off to bed. The dishes are done, but work tomorrow morning!
Love and delight to you!
Clare
Note added two days later: I have been thinking about this post, and wanted to share...the reason I started to cry when I saw the photos of the sisters was because I really understood the way I have stepped aside and made myself an outsider. I sought invisibility and found it. But I understand the pain of being invisible. We can't be both invisible and part of the tribe. Doesn't work...we have to choose: invisibility or vulnerability.
I actually had a nice, relaxed day. It was easy to find that safe zone where everyone is okay and they all like each other. I remember my mother-in-law and her desire for us all just to show up dressed nice, be kind to each other and make memories. It often seemed fake then, but I understand a little more now.
My day started with emotion. I watched your video of your music and family photos. It was beautiful. I saw the two photos of the sisters, and I started to cry. I started thinking about being invisible and the pull between being safely alone and the draw toward being noticed. And I felt the division inside me. I felt the hurt person withdrawing, and I felt an ooey-gooey mama type emerging. That mundane little piece about the two wolves that live within us popped into my mind. Which wolf survives? The one you feed.
And I decided to feed the ooey-gooey mama. I decided to see the beauty of each person I encountered. I decided to see their strengths and intelligence. We all know our shortcomings. We all know everyone else knows our shortcomings. I want to be that source of nurture. I want to be the person who reminds others of their Light, their gifts.
All day, I looked at each person with delight. And everyone was delightful.
Off to bed. The dishes are done, but work tomorrow morning!
Love and delight to you!
Clare
Note added two days later: I have been thinking about this post, and wanted to share...the reason I started to cry when I saw the photos of the sisters was because I really understood the way I have stepped aside and made myself an outsider. I sought invisibility and found it. But I understand the pain of being invisible. We can't be both invisible and part of the tribe. Doesn't work...we have to choose: invisibility or vulnerability.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Connected
I see your point about envying someone who is pregnant, and rethinking decisions. But my oldest is still young enough to change her mind, and I think she knows it. I think that most of our worries, dramas, and resentment are about our own issues. I think my oldest regrets not finishing her degree. She is trying to figure out the most expedient way to finish her bachelors, because she can earn her masters where she works. I think she was hoping her sister would do it "right". I can see that her pressure is grounded in wanting her sister to be strong, stable and independent.
Three of my kids have talked to me about each other. We have a drama brewing...and I am already tired, and sincerely hoping they can slide into an accepting, loving pattern. One good day can become two...and maybe someday we can have a dynamic, supportive communication pattern. What I want all of them to know is that their siblings don't need their approval, they just need their love and support.
And what I have noticed about you, little sister, is less walls, more fences. It is easier to access you, to feel you. Sometimes the slats of your fence close in, but it's not a wall anymore.
And, just for argument's sake, I say many times sex is used to avoid connection, or maybe to simulate connection. We mostly don't have sex to deepen a full, open, communicative relationship. I see so many people completely directed by media. Movies, etc. try to shock us. One does it, others follow suit, it becomes normal. Everyone brags about three-ways or lesbian sex - whatever is hot at the moment. And it's done to be cool. Sex has lost it's meaning. When two people are using sex to connect, no one else is there - so that is not entertaining. But it's what we long for. And if we are lucky, every once in awhile boundaries dissolve and we understand something deeper, we understand the gift. But instead we use sex to avoid actually being vulnerable and open hearted before one other person.
If we really knew how to have sex, really valued sex and the connection - there would be no more sexual abuse. We would recognize the violation immediately.
I just took a pumpkin cheesecake out of the oven and put rye bread - from Grandma's recipe - in the oven. I am tired, but I do love cooking. I love Thanksgiving, too. Please pray for joy in my household - that we take joy in each other.
I send you all my love...Clare
Three of my kids have talked to me about each other. We have a drama brewing...and I am already tired, and sincerely hoping they can slide into an accepting, loving pattern. One good day can become two...and maybe someday we can have a dynamic, supportive communication pattern. What I want all of them to know is that their siblings don't need their approval, they just need their love and support.
And what I have noticed about you, little sister, is less walls, more fences. It is easier to access you, to feel you. Sometimes the slats of your fence close in, but it's not a wall anymore.
And, just for argument's sake, I say many times sex is used to avoid connection, or maybe to simulate connection. We mostly don't have sex to deepen a full, open, communicative relationship. I see so many people completely directed by media. Movies, etc. try to shock us. One does it, others follow suit, it becomes normal. Everyone brags about three-ways or lesbian sex - whatever is hot at the moment. And it's done to be cool. Sex has lost it's meaning. When two people are using sex to connect, no one else is there - so that is not entertaining. But it's what we long for. And if we are lucky, every once in awhile boundaries dissolve and we understand something deeper, we understand the gift. But instead we use sex to avoid actually being vulnerable and open hearted before one other person.
If we really knew how to have sex, really valued sex and the connection - there would be no more sexual abuse. We would recognize the violation immediately.
I just took a pumpkin cheesecake out of the oven and put rye bread - from Grandma's recipe - in the oven. I am tired, but I do love cooking. I love Thanksgiving, too. Please pray for joy in my household - that we take joy in each other.
I send you all my love...Clare
good fences...good bridges
I have a few minutes to write before I run off for a busy day...
I would not have thought of class-ism within the family...
but I do see your point.
Why do we always make things "us and them"...
we define our fences so well...
we learn to separate and forget how to connect...
except with sex because that is a basic need.
Yesterday I was reading about how families need to construct good bridges and good fences for healthy relationships...once again it is all about balance...and boundaries.
I believe that I asked about envy because no matter how committed we are to not having children there is still a basic part of us that is driven to reproduce...it is the prupose of our existence from an evolutionary/biologic perspective.
Yesterday I was getting my hair done. I have been going to the same woman for 17 years and she told me that her stepson's girlfriend is pregnant. She choose long ago not to have children, because her husband had opted for a vasectomy prior to their meeting. But yesterday, for the first time she admitted that she really wondered what that would have been like...and she said it with a bit of regret.
So, I was projecting my feelings and values onto your oldest.
I agree that we were raised to not trust...
abundance,
consistency,
love,
safety,
and the list goes on...
Trying to allow myself to trust has been the hardest thing that I have ever done...
and I am still struggling with trust...
sometimes I am open and vulnerable...
and then other times I snap closed...
like a venus fly trap...
except that I am empty when I act this way...
there's no nourishment within...waiting to be digested.
I need to remember that my wall keeps everything scary out...
but prevents all of the good from entering.
good fences...good bridges.
I have to run...
love and blessings,
Maggie
I would not have thought of class-ism within the family...
but I do see your point.
Why do we always make things "us and them"...
we define our fences so well...
we learn to separate and forget how to connect...
except with sex because that is a basic need.
Yesterday I was reading about how families need to construct good bridges and good fences for healthy relationships...once again it is all about balance...and boundaries.
I believe that I asked about envy because no matter how committed we are to not having children there is still a basic part of us that is driven to reproduce...it is the prupose of our existence from an evolutionary/biologic perspective.
Yesterday I was getting my hair done. I have been going to the same woman for 17 years and she told me that her stepson's girlfriend is pregnant. She choose long ago not to have children, because her husband had opted for a vasectomy prior to their meeting. But yesterday, for the first time she admitted that she really wondered what that would have been like...and she said it with a bit of regret.
So, I was projecting my feelings and values onto your oldest.
I agree that we were raised to not trust...
abundance,
consistency,
love,
safety,
and the list goes on...
Trying to allow myself to trust has been the hardest thing that I have ever done...
and I am still struggling with trust...
sometimes I am open and vulnerable...
and then other times I snap closed...
like a venus fly trap...
except that I am empty when I act this way...
there's no nourishment within...waiting to be digested.
I need to remember that my wall keeps everything scary out...
but prevents all of the good from entering.
good fences...good bridges.
I have to run...
love and blessings,
Maggie
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Perfect Moments
The holidays are always challenging. That may be the point! I don't think we ever have perfect holidays, but we do have perfect little moments, and that is what counts.
Do I think the oldest is envious of the youngest's pregnancy? I sincerely doubt it. My oldest has declared that she does not want children. My youngest has always wanted them. I think what I see is classism. My oldest treats my youngest like she is not as aware, mature, ready, able to deal. It is pretty much the same way my ex-sister-in-law treated me. And to be honest, my parents-in-law, too, for awhile - although that passed and we developed a loving relationship. But their dream for their son/brother never included a crazy hippy chick who preferred not to wear shoes, nursed toddlers, and didn't send kids to school. And there was always this underlying assumption that they thought I was looking at them and wishing I was as cultured and classy as they were. They never suspected that I loved them, but adopting their lifestyle...uh, No, thank you.
But my ex-sister-in-law was really cruel to me, which was part of the reason we moved so far from their home. I am hoping my oldest can see that she can't fix anyone, but she can drive us apart.
My oldest sees the youngest as wasting her life. It is part of our drama. My oldest sometimes fixates on her sister, she can avoid looking at her own pain, her own loss of direction. And my youngest can be oh so dramatic about her sister, and they both feel comfortable, because no one has to face their own pain or real change.
My oldest can be judgmental, and I hear the same from her father. All I can do is love them all, and refuse to be drawn into the drama. No Me, too for this game!!
Humans are tribal. We want and need each other. And unfortunately, our experience of belonging and of tribe comes from our family of origin. That's why I want you and S#3. That's why I want Mom and siblings. That's why I want to want Dad. I want to get it right. You are my people. I want to have people. But we are so damaged and prickly (prickly being me especially) that we can't get close. Our family is like playing goose pile with a bunch of porcupines!! Maybe I should do some research and find out how porcupines play. Maybe it would give me some direction.
We absolutely must focus on the children. We must support the mother-child/family-child bond. And we need to remember, it does not take a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support the family that is raising the child. This ultimate kindness is the only way out of the swamp. And as we become kinder and more humane, there will be plenty of compassion and attention left over for the sick, and those in pain.
Why don't we trust in abundance. All we heard as children was, "We can't afford..." we knew there was not enough for us. Many other children knew the same words. And so when we get something we cling to it. And we want more and more to insulate us from not enough. But we also block the flow. We dam our lives with things, so there is no room for anything new to flow in. I think this message is for me, but I'm not sure what I need to get rid of.
Erma was my hero...Love you, because you are my hero, too!
Clare
Do I think the oldest is envious of the youngest's pregnancy? I sincerely doubt it. My oldest has declared that she does not want children. My youngest has always wanted them. I think what I see is classism. My oldest treats my youngest like she is not as aware, mature, ready, able to deal. It is pretty much the same way my ex-sister-in-law treated me. And to be honest, my parents-in-law, too, for awhile - although that passed and we developed a loving relationship. But their dream for their son/brother never included a crazy hippy chick who preferred not to wear shoes, nursed toddlers, and didn't send kids to school. And there was always this underlying assumption that they thought I was looking at them and wishing I was as cultured and classy as they were. They never suspected that I loved them, but adopting their lifestyle...uh, No, thank you.
But my ex-sister-in-law was really cruel to me, which was part of the reason we moved so far from their home. I am hoping my oldest can see that she can't fix anyone, but she can drive us apart.
My oldest sees the youngest as wasting her life. It is part of our drama. My oldest sometimes fixates on her sister, she can avoid looking at her own pain, her own loss of direction. And my youngest can be oh so dramatic about her sister, and they both feel comfortable, because no one has to face their own pain or real change.
My oldest can be judgmental, and I hear the same from her father. All I can do is love them all, and refuse to be drawn into the drama. No Me, too for this game!!
Humans are tribal. We want and need each other. And unfortunately, our experience of belonging and of tribe comes from our family of origin. That's why I want you and S#3. That's why I want Mom and siblings. That's why I want to want Dad. I want to get it right. You are my people. I want to have people. But we are so damaged and prickly (prickly being me especially) that we can't get close. Our family is like playing goose pile with a bunch of porcupines!! Maybe I should do some research and find out how porcupines play. Maybe it would give me some direction.
We absolutely must focus on the children. We must support the mother-child/family-child bond. And we need to remember, it does not take a village to raise a child, it takes a village to support the family that is raising the child. This ultimate kindness is the only way out of the swamp. And as we become kinder and more humane, there will be plenty of compassion and attention left over for the sick, and those in pain.
Why don't we trust in abundance. All we heard as children was, "We can't afford..." we knew there was not enough for us. Many other children knew the same words. And so when we get something we cling to it. And we want more and more to insulate us from not enough. But we also block the flow. We dam our lives with things, so there is no room for anything new to flow in. I think this message is for me, but I'm not sure what I need to get rid of.
Erma was my hero...Love you, because you are my hero, too!
Clare
Monday, November 19, 2012
Abundance
So, the holiday is going to be challenging...
I have invited a good friend...who is estranged from her family...she is busy.
I have extended invitations to several young women that I know (with dysfunctional families)...
I hope that they consider sharing the evening with us.
I have extended an invitation to my brother-in -law's family...still waiting to hear their reply...
most likely it will be just the 6 of us.
It's amazing that such an intense effort goes into one meal...but then realizing that we are celebrating the abundance of the harvest makes it all understandable.
The family dynamics are universal...
my oldest frequently chastises my youngest...telling him he is rude and insensitive...
all the time showing her insensitivity.
So why do you think your oldest is being judgemental of her sister?
Could she be envious?
I like the image that the swamp is earth and water mixed without discernible boundaries...
that means it is possible to settle them out with time, work and patience.
I feel as if I haven't allowed myself in or near the swamp recently...
I am allowing the distractions to take me away from the work.
How was your weekend? I hope that you had fun with your wine and dine.
As for the children and spoiling...
I don't believe that respect and valuing humans is spoiling to them...
I believe that is called nurturing...
having one person who treats you as worthy of love makes mountains of trauma survivable.
It was the lack of connection in our home was probably one of the factors that made all of us end up so isolated and self-contained...
We had no trouble breaking away from the family because we never really felt as if we were included or wanted...
I do have to wonder though that there is something that makes us want those ties...
Even to the point that some recreate memories...
rewriting our young lives to make them seem normal and happy
It reminds me of something that Erma Bombeck wrote..."Family...the ties that bind... and gag!"
It's probably a universal desire to belong...
one of those instincts that draw us into cooperative living...
the basis of community.
I really believe that we would be a much better society if we invested in families and children...
instead of focusing most resources on adults...
who, for the most part are already scarred and in various stages of life and healing.
It makes no sense to me that insurance will cover the cost of 'respite care' for hospice family members, but no one covers the cost of babysitting or supporting families with young children...one of the most universally demanding periods of time for humans.
Why do we invest millions in the dying and then blame the living for not doing it right? I am not saying that cancer families don't deserve support...I am just pointing out the inequity.
Why don't we trust in the abundance?
Why don't we respect life at all ages...
not just once it's productive...
and then it's unevenly distributed to the haves and have nots...
Sorry rhetorical questions again.
I have to get to my homework...
Blessings 'til tomorrow,
Maggie
I have invited a good friend...who is estranged from her family...she is busy.
I have extended invitations to several young women that I know (with dysfunctional families)...
I hope that they consider sharing the evening with us.
I have extended an invitation to my brother-in -law's family...still waiting to hear their reply...
most likely it will be just the 6 of us.
It's amazing that such an intense effort goes into one meal...but then realizing that we are celebrating the abundance of the harvest makes it all understandable.
The family dynamics are universal...
my oldest frequently chastises my youngest...telling him he is rude and insensitive...
all the time showing her insensitivity.
So why do you think your oldest is being judgemental of her sister?
Could she be envious?
I like the image that the swamp is earth and water mixed without discernible boundaries...
that means it is possible to settle them out with time, work and patience.
I feel as if I haven't allowed myself in or near the swamp recently...
I am allowing the distractions to take me away from the work.
How was your weekend? I hope that you had fun with your wine and dine.
As for the children and spoiling...
I don't believe that respect and valuing humans is spoiling to them...
I believe that is called nurturing...
having one person who treats you as worthy of love makes mountains of trauma survivable.
It was the lack of connection in our home was probably one of the factors that made all of us end up so isolated and self-contained...
We had no trouble breaking away from the family because we never really felt as if we were included or wanted...
I do have to wonder though that there is something that makes us want those ties...
Even to the point that some recreate memories...
rewriting our young lives to make them seem normal and happy
It reminds me of something that Erma Bombeck wrote..."Family...the ties that bind... and gag!"
It's probably a universal desire to belong...
one of those instincts that draw us into cooperative living...
the basis of community.
I really believe that we would be a much better society if we invested in families and children...
instead of focusing most resources on adults...
who, for the most part are already scarred and in various stages of life and healing.
It makes no sense to me that insurance will cover the cost of 'respite care' for hospice family members, but no one covers the cost of babysitting or supporting families with young children...one of the most universally demanding periods of time for humans.
Why do we invest millions in the dying and then blame the living for not doing it right? I am not saying that cancer families don't deserve support...I am just pointing out the inequity.
Why don't we trust in the abundance?
Why don't we respect life at all ages...
not just once it's productive...
and then it's unevenly distributed to the haves and have nots...
Sorry rhetorical questions again.
I have to get to my homework...
Blessings 'til tomorrow,
Maggie
It's Thanksgiving
The holidays are here again. We are about to go rushing through the next month, having moments when we just wish it was over. I remember hating Christmas, because it was never the way I wished it would be. I just wanted it to be over.
I still stress, because I never have the money to just relax and do what I want - and I am not extravagant. But I have learned to relax and let Christmas just be whatever it needs to be.
I love Thanksgiving. We usually spend the day cooking, playing guitar, singing, picking at one-time-a-year foods until the feast is ready. I love that slow time together. It feels real. But I gloss over the spats between siblings which take me back to our spats and to hard feeling with my in-laws. And this year I will let go of...something...because my ex is coming. I am very proud of the way we have spent most holidays together, never forcing our children to split themselves or choose a parent. But with him here, I will not be quite as relaxed. I will be slightly on edge, always watching my words and my reactions. I know it is because I don't completely trust him anymore, and I don't want him know me anymore.
I have dreams of the way holidays should be. (I loved Maeve Binchy's Christmas book - Next Year Will Be Better!) About two years ago my neighbor let me plant in one of his fields. I planted about 50 pounds of potatoes and harvested over 300 pounds. One Saturday afternoon, two sons, two girlfriends, two kids and I harvested potatoes for hours. We bagged potatoes for the neighbors and shared! That was harvest, and the feast made from those potatoes was Thanksgiving. I love the old, authentic harvest feasts when people celebrated harvesting and storing enough food for the winter. I would love to be able to glory in the abundance, and in the realization that we can live on this Earth, as part of this Earth.
But no, we will have family drama. Remember the year I was 19 and I refused to come home for Thanksgiving because Dad was so rude to my boyfriend? I think that is just part of breaking away from the family and establishing self as an adult. So, my youngest is at that point. She is breaking away - and it's painful, but necessary.
I just had one of those very strange thoughts...many young people have a very hard time breaking away from family of origin. We all did it easily. We just never bothered to remake the bond as adults. Or maybe we weren't welcome to...
And Christmas...I love baking cookies, I love sending cards, although I could not afford that for quite a few years - probably including this one - and cards were always a favorite part of the holiday. (You always have the best cards! I love getting them.) I love celebrating light in the dark time of year - which is what the holiday is all about. And traditionally, Advent, this period between Thanksgiving and Christmas was a time of waiting and of preparation. Then we were supposed to celebrate the 12 days of Christmas from December 25 through your birthday. Now people put up all the decorations the day after Thanksgiving, haul out the goodies and start having parties while still shopping and baking and preparing and the whole month has become schizophrenic. Then...the day after Christmas, when the celebrations are supposed to begin, everyone has their tree thrown out by the curb. It makes me sad to see that.
Now I am a hold out. If I am going to put up a tree, it does not go up until solstice. I knew an older Friend who did that, then burned it on Summer Solstice. I loved the way it pulled the year together. And I don't take the tree down until January 6, or later. Last year it was still up in February, so we decorated it in hearts.
Nothing seems authentic anymore. I wish I lived in authentic...
Hope you are having a great Monday!!
C.
I still stress, because I never have the money to just relax and do what I want - and I am not extravagant. But I have learned to relax and let Christmas just be whatever it needs to be.
I love Thanksgiving. We usually spend the day cooking, playing guitar, singing, picking at one-time-a-year foods until the feast is ready. I love that slow time together. It feels real. But I gloss over the spats between siblings which take me back to our spats and to hard feeling with my in-laws. And this year I will let go of...something...because my ex is coming. I am very proud of the way we have spent most holidays together, never forcing our children to split themselves or choose a parent. But with him here, I will not be quite as relaxed. I will be slightly on edge, always watching my words and my reactions. I know it is because I don't completely trust him anymore, and I don't want him know me anymore.
I have dreams of the way holidays should be. (I loved Maeve Binchy's Christmas book - Next Year Will Be Better!) About two years ago my neighbor let me plant in one of his fields. I planted about 50 pounds of potatoes and harvested over 300 pounds. One Saturday afternoon, two sons, two girlfriends, two kids and I harvested potatoes for hours. We bagged potatoes for the neighbors and shared! That was harvest, and the feast made from those potatoes was Thanksgiving. I love the old, authentic harvest feasts when people celebrated harvesting and storing enough food for the winter. I would love to be able to glory in the abundance, and in the realization that we can live on this Earth, as part of this Earth.
But no, we will have family drama. Remember the year I was 19 and I refused to come home for Thanksgiving because Dad was so rude to my boyfriend? I think that is just part of breaking away from the family and establishing self as an adult. So, my youngest is at that point. She is breaking away - and it's painful, but necessary.
I just had one of those very strange thoughts...many young people have a very hard time breaking away from family of origin. We all did it easily. We just never bothered to remake the bond as adults. Or maybe we weren't welcome to...
And Christmas...I love baking cookies, I love sending cards, although I could not afford that for quite a few years - probably including this one - and cards were always a favorite part of the holiday. (You always have the best cards! I love getting them.) I love celebrating light in the dark time of year - which is what the holiday is all about. And traditionally, Advent, this period between Thanksgiving and Christmas was a time of waiting and of preparation. Then we were supposed to celebrate the 12 days of Christmas from December 25 through your birthday. Now people put up all the decorations the day after Thanksgiving, haul out the goodies and start having parties while still shopping and baking and preparing and the whole month has become schizophrenic. Then...the day after Christmas, when the celebrations are supposed to begin, everyone has their tree thrown out by the curb. It makes me sad to see that.
Now I am a hold out. If I am going to put up a tree, it does not go up until solstice. I knew an older Friend who did that, then burned it on Summer Solstice. I loved the way it pulled the year together. And I don't take the tree down until January 6, or later. Last year it was still up in February, so we decorated it in hearts.
Nothing seems authentic anymore. I wish I lived in authentic...
Hope you are having a great Monday!!
C.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Back to the swamp...
I know you had an exciting weekend with your daughter's marathon. I am in awe of her strength! I really enjoyed my weekend, as much as I am enjoying the silence right now.
There were seven kids here, aged 2 through 8. I loved the energy. It felt like when I had all of mine at home. My oldest was here, listening to me warn them to be gentle, and she said it was deja vu all over again!
I remember talking about ways we do and do not spoil our children. I constantly had to defend my parenting decisions to my mother-in-law. She was always warning me that I was spoiling my children. What I was doing was choosing kindness, or maybe following the golden rule. If I wanted someone to reach out, to soothe me then it was the least I could do for my babies.
The person who helped me most was my best friend from college. I was upset one day and she stopped me short by saying, "Well, just remember, they are yours to spoil. If you do spoil them, your mother-in-law won't have to deal with it." There was such freedom. But I also did some research. I found that children who trust that the world is a safe place, where we each matter, where we are loved and recognized are the kids who grow up to be safe and secure - the least spoiled of all. "Spoiled" children are the ones who are trying to get attention, reassurance that they are valued.
I think this goes back to our lack of tribe. You said your parenting choice led to sleepless night. I often felt invisible, because I was meeting everyone else's needs. In tribe, someone would have been available for each child at every moment. And it did not have to be a parent. Can you imagine being known by, being valued by a whole neighborhood? But we have to start somewhere. We are starting as infants from the 50s and 60s who were allowed to cry it out, to self soothe...that is such BS. I self soothe with chocolate. I never learned healthy responses to discomfort.
I agree - Everything starts with trauma. Fear is the ultimate weapon of control. The problem is fear that has been instilled in us before conscious memories begin...
So I am thinking about the swamp again. What is it? Thinking about the questions as well as the answers being found there set me off in a new direction. The swamp is murky because water and soil are mixed together. Water is emotion, soils are Earth - home, safety, beauty, stability. Ours is all mixed up. If we were healthy, fresh, clear water would flow through fertile soil. We would know what belonged where. Instead, we don't know what we have - it is all below the surface, and we don't know how far down the questions/memories are, and we really don't even know how far we have to go to reach bottom. I mean, what if there is no bottom? What if this pain just goes down and down and down forever, sucking me into depression until I drown in sorrow and cease to exist?
So we don't want to dry to swamp. That would be life without emotions, and we are alive when emotions flow. So what we need to do is separate the emotions. Does this make any sense? I have a sense of what I mean, but no language to express it...
One of my dear friends was here this weekend. She is from Sweden, and so culturally, she sees us differently than we see ourselves. She loves my children. She sees strength and health and intelligence in them. I get so caught up in day-to-day worries (oldest child does not approve of youngest's pregnancy...bit of drama that triggers memories of the way my ex-sister-in-law treated me...and so I get fixated on why we are not perfect...for instance!) that I forget to celebrate the wonder of who they are and that they are my family. After they left, my friend said, "You must be so proud. This evening was so great and they were all here and having fun. All the years of sacrificing and being there for them have paid off. This is your reward, having this life." I need her, and people like her in my life. I need to become more and more like her.
Good luck with your paper. And remember all the quote:
There were seven kids here, aged 2 through 8. I loved the energy. It felt like when I had all of mine at home. My oldest was here, listening to me warn them to be gentle, and she said it was deja vu all over again!
I remember talking about ways we do and do not spoil our children. I constantly had to defend my parenting decisions to my mother-in-law. She was always warning me that I was spoiling my children. What I was doing was choosing kindness, or maybe following the golden rule. If I wanted someone to reach out, to soothe me then it was the least I could do for my babies.
The person who helped me most was my best friend from college. I was upset one day and she stopped me short by saying, "Well, just remember, they are yours to spoil. If you do spoil them, your mother-in-law won't have to deal with it." There was such freedom. But I also did some research. I found that children who trust that the world is a safe place, where we each matter, where we are loved and recognized are the kids who grow up to be safe and secure - the least spoiled of all. "Spoiled" children are the ones who are trying to get attention, reassurance that they are valued.
I think this goes back to our lack of tribe. You said your parenting choice led to sleepless night. I often felt invisible, because I was meeting everyone else's needs. In tribe, someone would have been available for each child at every moment. And it did not have to be a parent. Can you imagine being known by, being valued by a whole neighborhood? But we have to start somewhere. We are starting as infants from the 50s and 60s who were allowed to cry it out, to self soothe...that is such BS. I self soothe with chocolate. I never learned healthy responses to discomfort.
I agree - Everything starts with trauma. Fear is the ultimate weapon of control. The problem is fear that has been instilled in us before conscious memories begin...
So I am thinking about the swamp again. What is it? Thinking about the questions as well as the answers being found there set me off in a new direction. The swamp is murky because water and soil are mixed together. Water is emotion, soils are Earth - home, safety, beauty, stability. Ours is all mixed up. If we were healthy, fresh, clear water would flow through fertile soil. We would know what belonged where. Instead, we don't know what we have - it is all below the surface, and we don't know how far down the questions/memories are, and we really don't even know how far we have to go to reach bottom. I mean, what if there is no bottom? What if this pain just goes down and down and down forever, sucking me into depression until I drown in sorrow and cease to exist?
So we don't want to dry to swamp. That would be life without emotions, and we are alive when emotions flow. So what we need to do is separate the emotions. Does this make any sense? I have a sense of what I mean, but no language to express it...
One of my dear friends was here this weekend. She is from Sweden, and so culturally, she sees us differently than we see ourselves. She loves my children. She sees strength and health and intelligence in them. I get so caught up in day-to-day worries (oldest child does not approve of youngest's pregnancy...bit of drama that triggers memories of the way my ex-sister-in-law treated me...and so I get fixated on why we are not perfect...for instance!) that I forget to celebrate the wonder of who they are and that they are my family. After they left, my friend said, "You must be so proud. This evening was so great and they were all here and having fun. All the years of sacrificing and being there for them have paid off. This is your reward, having this life." I need her, and people like her in my life. I need to become more and more like her.
Good luck with your paper. And remember all the quote:
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”
Gandhi will always be one of my heroes! You are on the right track. You know what you are talking about. Trust yourself.
Thanksgiving update - my ex is coming for dinner. He often spends holidays with us, but it really changes the dynamics!
Love you, C.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
ramblings on illness
I am thankful for you in my life.
Alone... I do feel alone, but not in a pathologic way though.
I feel as if I am self-reliant...but have to remember that I can lean on other people.
I have been talking with so many people who have similarly distant, dysfunctional families...
Me Too is part of my daily life these days.
So, while I am connecting with people in important ways, I am not getting sucked into any dramas.
I am procrastinating today...
I have a paper to write on my own, personal approach to mental illness...
our understanding of the causes, the exacerbating factors, the outreach and therapy offered.
I am procrastinating because I know that this is going to be intensely personal and may not be received well.
I have so many thoughts on mental illness...
first of all the body isn't separate from the head and that there shouldn't be a consideration of mental apart from physical illness...
also a large portion of people suffer from the stress of trauma...one of my supervisors and friend said, "study trauma, everything starts with trauma."
I really believe that alot of the issues are a result of being paralyzed by fear...
I am beginning to see that more and more clearly all of the time.
I think alot has to do with young, even preverbal memories...
it is much like you described with the uncertainty of being picked up...
will this touch be loving and tender...or painful and confusing?
I remember when mine were young...I didn't let them "cry it out"...
I remember you telling me that studies showed that attending to the crying reinforced trust and ultimately led to less crying...
more stable connection...and ultimately a better maternal-child bond.
It lead to years of inadequate sleep, but it was worth it.
Anyway...I am reading alot about wounded healers...and trying to separate my feelings and reactions to avoid influencing the client...
I think that's BS...
If I can't allow the other person to intuitively know that I am empathetic or sympathetic...
that this is a Me Too interaction, without unloading my issues onto them, then neither will ever create a relationship that is capable of healing anyone.
It only takes one, concerned, loving, adult to change the outcomes. That still amazes me...but the human spirit is strong and resilient...and connection can heal...
So what are the questions that can be found in the swamp?
Are they questions that will heal?
Like, am I enough, just the way that I am?
Are they questions that will hurt?
Like, why weren't we protected and cherished?
Why is the truth dangerous?
Why is our family willing to cut out a member rather than look at reality and truth?
I feel as if I am the animal's leg, caught in the trap...
able to be chewed off...
sacrificed for the survival of the whole...
but what they fail to see is that the "trap" is truth and life.
Why does the family allow members to reenter when they once again fall into the family's way of thinking...and puts on their plastic face...smiling and pretending..
despite the painful memories.
I am thinking of B#2 when I write this...
has he re-entered the family because he has chosen to accept the past and live from that point on?
I think that he has re-entered because he once again has silenced that truth within himself. Ican't say for certain...I do not know his mind and motivations...
but there is a pattern here...one that has been carried out over and over again in our family of origin.
I heard an interview with Wendal Berry this week and he talked about environmental destruction (illness) coming from a disconnect with the land and nature's rhythms...
our illness has roots in disconnect...with our care-givers and our own soul.
I keep coming back to that fact that the peson/people who gave me hope were outside of the Delana family...I keep asking myself, as we have so many times in this blog, how did our clan get so dysfunctional that no one was well enough to see, realize and act to save us.
The answer to all of this is connection...in a deep and multi-layered way.
Love and blessings
Maggie
Alone... I do feel alone, but not in a pathologic way though.
I feel as if I am self-reliant...but have to remember that I can lean on other people.
I have been talking with so many people who have similarly distant, dysfunctional families...
Me Too is part of my daily life these days.
So, while I am connecting with people in important ways, I am not getting sucked into any dramas.
I am procrastinating today...
I have a paper to write on my own, personal approach to mental illness...
our understanding of the causes, the exacerbating factors, the outreach and therapy offered.
I am procrastinating because I know that this is going to be intensely personal and may not be received well.
I have so many thoughts on mental illness...
first of all the body isn't separate from the head and that there shouldn't be a consideration of mental apart from physical illness...
also a large portion of people suffer from the stress of trauma...one of my supervisors and friend said, "study trauma, everything starts with trauma."
I really believe that alot of the issues are a result of being paralyzed by fear...
I am beginning to see that more and more clearly all of the time.
I think alot has to do with young, even preverbal memories...
it is much like you described with the uncertainty of being picked up...
will this touch be loving and tender...or painful and confusing?
I remember when mine were young...I didn't let them "cry it out"...
I remember you telling me that studies showed that attending to the crying reinforced trust and ultimately led to less crying...
more stable connection...and ultimately a better maternal-child bond.
It lead to years of inadequate sleep, but it was worth it.
Anyway...I am reading alot about wounded healers...and trying to separate my feelings and reactions to avoid influencing the client...
I think that's BS...
If I can't allow the other person to intuitively know that I am empathetic or sympathetic...
that this is a Me Too interaction, without unloading my issues onto them, then neither will ever create a relationship that is capable of healing anyone.
It only takes one, concerned, loving, adult to change the outcomes. That still amazes me...but the human spirit is strong and resilient...and connection can heal...
So what are the questions that can be found in the swamp?
Are they questions that will heal?
Like, am I enough, just the way that I am?
Are they questions that will hurt?
Like, why weren't we protected and cherished?
Why is the truth dangerous?
Why is our family willing to cut out a member rather than look at reality and truth?
I feel as if I am the animal's leg, caught in the trap...
able to be chewed off...
sacrificed for the survival of the whole...
but what they fail to see is that the "trap" is truth and life.
Why does the family allow members to reenter when they once again fall into the family's way of thinking...and puts on their plastic face...smiling and pretending..
despite the painful memories.
I am thinking of B#2 when I write this...
has he re-entered the family because he has chosen to accept the past and live from that point on?
I think that he has re-entered because he once again has silenced that truth within himself. Ican't say for certain...I do not know his mind and motivations...
but there is a pattern here...one that has been carried out over and over again in our family of origin.
I heard an interview with Wendal Berry this week and he talked about environmental destruction (illness) coming from a disconnect with the land and nature's rhythms...
our illness has roots in disconnect...with our care-givers and our own soul.
I keep coming back to that fact that the peson/people who gave me hope were outside of the Delana family...I keep asking myself, as we have so many times in this blog, how did our clan get so dysfunctional that no one was well enough to see, realize and act to save us.
The answer to all of this is connection...in a deep and multi-layered way.
Love and blessings
Maggie
Friday, November 16, 2012
Inevitable
I liked your realization - you are where you belong, doing what you are supposed to do. I have learned to relax and assume that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. I have stopped pushing about a lot of things. But I think perhaps I have gone a little too far into laid-back. Sometimes I wait...one of my long-term issues. I wait so patiently.
I like the idea of silent witness. It hurts to have your worst self witnessed, but to have people there, ready to accept you is heartbreakingly healing. If someone would have mentioned that I yelled too much when my kids were young, I would have felt bad, embarrassed, maybe a little defiant, but I would have known I wasn't alone. (There's the Oh Shit! I'm not alone, and then the Thank God, I'm not alone duality!) Maybe I would have been a better person, a better mother.
When you say you know how alone you are, do you mean as a family? Or is there something deeper in you that needs some love and attention?
I will be at home with two of my kids for the day, another will be here for part of the day. The others have to celebrate with her parents so they can be home for Christmas, and the way-out-west others will have a group of friends for the holiday. We also have a family friend who often spends holidays with us...we'll see. It seems like it will be quiet, but nice. We usually spend the whole day cooking together. I really like Thanksgiving - it is my favorite holiday. No gifts, no decorations, no special clothes - just time together. It truly seems like time out of time that day. And I love the tie to the traditional harvest festivals held by all ancient agrarian societies.
Your friend suggests you try not to maintain such control all the time. I had another "visceral memory/feeling/comprehension". I was an infant, and I was being picked up, but I wasn't sure what I was going to feel. Would it be warm and soothing and comforting, or would it be...flailing...flailing arms and legs are the only way I can describe the impression my mind carries. We try to maintain control because the flailing moments are terrifying, and the memory is inside of us. We are not safe. The world is not safe.
We learn experientially. You know, because of the nuns, I could recite all of the multiplication tables without mistake by the time I was 7. But one day, when I was about 10, I suddenly understood what multiplication was. Just because you know the answer - Let go and let God or Don't Worry, Be Happy - doesn't mean you even understand the question. This is the walk through the swamp, looking for the depth, trying to find the questions.
And I have been thinking about something else you wrote: If everyone inevitably suffers then prevention is not possible.
And in my snotty big-sister fashion, I am going to argue. Yes, we all suffer. My beloved dog died. Grammy died. My son had a terrifying car accident. Most of these things can not be prevented. There will be natural disasters. We all die at the end of our allotted time. BUT the suffering that comes at the hands of abusive fathers or brothers who are sexually attacking you, making your world unsafe and black and gory and unbearable - that can be prevented. It can be prevented. This is not the kind of pain and stress we should be struggling to overcome. This is where we shine the Light. Because if we are safe, if we actually have family, then when Grammy dies, we have each other. We bond over her loving memory and become more in our shared loss. Shared suffering bonds us and creates family.
And:
From what I have come to understand it is not the stress that makes people ill, but the failure to respond appropriately to our body's signal. If we are frightened and have the fight or flight reaction, we burn off the stress hormones and their by products...it is when we freeze or dissociate that we experience illness from these chemicals. So how do we respond to child abuse as a society?
This I did not know. This I will have to think about. Thank you for this!
Cleaning house and getting ready. Remember, you are welcome here!
Clare
I like the idea of silent witness. It hurts to have your worst self witnessed, but to have people there, ready to accept you is heartbreakingly healing. If someone would have mentioned that I yelled too much when my kids were young, I would have felt bad, embarrassed, maybe a little defiant, but I would have known I wasn't alone. (There's the Oh Shit! I'm not alone, and then the Thank God, I'm not alone duality!) Maybe I would have been a better person, a better mother.
When you say you know how alone you are, do you mean as a family? Or is there something deeper in you that needs some love and attention?
I will be at home with two of my kids for the day, another will be here for part of the day. The others have to celebrate with her parents so they can be home for Christmas, and the way-out-west others will have a group of friends for the holiday. We also have a family friend who often spends holidays with us...we'll see. It seems like it will be quiet, but nice. We usually spend the whole day cooking together. I really like Thanksgiving - it is my favorite holiday. No gifts, no decorations, no special clothes - just time together. It truly seems like time out of time that day. And I love the tie to the traditional harvest festivals held by all ancient agrarian societies.
Your friend suggests you try not to maintain such control all the time. I had another "visceral memory/feeling/comprehension". I was an infant, and I was being picked up, but I wasn't sure what I was going to feel. Would it be warm and soothing and comforting, or would it be...flailing...flailing arms and legs are the only way I can describe the impression my mind carries. We try to maintain control because the flailing moments are terrifying, and the memory is inside of us. We are not safe. The world is not safe.
We learn experientially. You know, because of the nuns, I could recite all of the multiplication tables without mistake by the time I was 7. But one day, when I was about 10, I suddenly understood what multiplication was. Just because you know the answer - Let go and let God or Don't Worry, Be Happy - doesn't mean you even understand the question. This is the walk through the swamp, looking for the depth, trying to find the questions.
And I have been thinking about something else you wrote: If everyone inevitably suffers then prevention is not possible.
And in my snotty big-sister fashion, I am going to argue. Yes, we all suffer. My beloved dog died. Grammy died. My son had a terrifying car accident. Most of these things can not be prevented. There will be natural disasters. We all die at the end of our allotted time. BUT the suffering that comes at the hands of abusive fathers or brothers who are sexually attacking you, making your world unsafe and black and gory and unbearable - that can be prevented. It can be prevented. This is not the kind of pain and stress we should be struggling to overcome. This is where we shine the Light. Because if we are safe, if we actually have family, then when Grammy dies, we have each other. We bond over her loving memory and become more in our shared loss. Shared suffering bonds us and creates family.
And:
From what I have come to understand it is not the stress that makes people ill, but the failure to respond appropriately to our body's signal. If we are frightened and have the fight or flight reaction, we burn off the stress hormones and their by products...it is when we freeze or dissociate that we experience illness from these chemicals. So how do we respond to child abuse as a society?
This I did not know. This I will have to think about. Thank you for this!
Cleaning house and getting ready. Remember, you are welcome here!
Clare
Thursday, November 15, 2012
a few thoughts
I spent my day trying to do a few simple tasks and every time I attempted to work, someone needed to talk.
I was getting frustrated with my lack of successful progress...
and then I took a deep breath and realized that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing...
connecting...
listening...
being present.
I like the silent witness idea...
nonconfrontational...
and yet powerful.
No one wants to be seen as a monster...
no one wants to be judged in that way...
but it amazes me that, in secret and darkness, the behaviors are acceptable and continue.
The quote last night about going to hell was Pinkola-Estes...I got confused...still powerful though.
I haven't heard from S#3 in a while...I miss her...I have reached out to her the past several times and then nothing...so I will wait.
I am positively and negatively anticipating the holiday next week...
I love that my kids will be home...and that my outside responsibilities will be much less than normal...
on the other hand I am reminded how alone we are...
I am hoping to take some time to just be still...
and try to listen to my heart...I need to slow down.
So what are your plans?
I was talking with my wise friend who, once again, pointed out that I am creating distractions to avoid the real issues in my life...
worrying about my students...worrying about my classes...worrying about my future...
her advice is to just do my best and accept the outcomes...not try to maintain tight control all of the time.
Why do I keep hearing the same messages over and over again?
I always thought that I was quick and intelligent...why can't I learn this lesson?
So my mission statement has to include several points;
Blessings,
Maggie
I was getting frustrated with my lack of successful progress...
and then I took a deep breath and realized that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing...
connecting...
listening...
being present.
I like the silent witness idea...
nonconfrontational...
and yet powerful.
No one wants to be seen as a monster...
no one wants to be judged in that way...
but it amazes me that, in secret and darkness, the behaviors are acceptable and continue.
The quote last night about going to hell was Pinkola-Estes...I got confused...still powerful though.
I haven't heard from S#3 in a while...I miss her...I have reached out to her the past several times and then nothing...so I will wait.
I am positively and negatively anticipating the holiday next week...
I love that my kids will be home...and that my outside responsibilities will be much less than normal...
on the other hand I am reminded how alone we are...
I am hoping to take some time to just be still...
and try to listen to my heart...I need to slow down.
So what are your plans?
I was talking with my wise friend who, once again, pointed out that I am creating distractions to avoid the real issues in my life...
worrying about my students...worrying about my classes...worrying about my future...
her advice is to just do my best and accept the outcomes...not try to maintain tight control all of the time.
Why do I keep hearing the same messages over and over again?
I always thought that I was quick and intelligent...why can't I learn this lesson?
So my mission statement has to include several points;
- living proactively and with intention
- being aware that the journey and those you meet on the journey are the most important aspects
- transforming pain and fear into Love and Light
- dynamic living
Blessings,
Maggie
The Nonconformist
How do we stop child abuse? My mind goes back to a story, and I am sure I have shared it. It was in an Eastern European country...we know everyone there has been under stress for generations. Husbands were beating their wives. The wives didn't know how to stop it, until they simply became a silent witness. When a man started beating his wife, the other women congregated and stood outside and watched. The violence diminished, and in my memory - disappeared. We need transparency. We need witnesses. Witnessing offers a double edged sword, I believe. A dose of embarrassment/humiliation is offered with a bit of Me too. You are not alone has power!
So. it's easy. With Me, too we rebuild. Healing often occurs in reverse order...so we restore the Mama, then Papa and sibs - the nuclear family, then the extended family, so we'll have our clans, tribes, neighborhoods, villages. If we are not ripped from each other, we can support each other. We are closer to whole than imaginable.
Mission Statement? A personal mission statement? Really? I cringe, and yet I want to try. And I reserve the right to edit - over and over.
I had to redefine mission statement. I need to state my reason for existing. That is hard for those of us who wish to be invisible, who think perhaps we are a mistake. I need to incorporate my aims, my make up, my key market, my contribution, my distinction. If properly written - it will serve as a moral compass.
I am a nonconformist whose job is to refuse to engage in behaviors that allow the staus quo to continue. I will not tie my boat to a sinking ship. Instead I will row fearlessly into the unknown, following other nonconformists and leading the way for younger people who also wish so much for change that they are unwilling to slide into the oblivion of current culture. I will bring about change, not by talking about it, but by changing.
That feels really scary. I think I will stop and let that percolate.
Today was a long day...and Best Friend from College will be here tomorrow, followed by S#3 on Saturday. If you can get away, my door is always open for you.
Love and hugs and smooshy kisses.
Clare
So. it's easy. With Me, too we rebuild. Healing often occurs in reverse order...so we restore the Mama, then Papa and sibs - the nuclear family, then the extended family, so we'll have our clans, tribes, neighborhoods, villages. If we are not ripped from each other, we can support each other. We are closer to whole than imaginable.
Mission Statement? A personal mission statement? Really? I cringe, and yet I want to try. And I reserve the right to edit - over and over.
I had to redefine mission statement. I need to state my reason for existing. That is hard for those of us who wish to be invisible, who think perhaps we are a mistake. I need to incorporate my aims, my make up, my key market, my contribution, my distinction. If properly written - it will serve as a moral compass.
I am a nonconformist whose job is to refuse to engage in behaviors that allow the staus quo to continue. I will not tie my boat to a sinking ship. Instead I will row fearlessly into the unknown, following other nonconformists and leading the way for younger people who also wish so much for change that they are unwilling to slide into the oblivion of current culture. I will bring about change, not by talking about it, but by changing.
That feels really scary. I think I will stop and let that percolate.
Today was a long day...and Best Friend from College will be here tomorrow, followed by S#3 on Saturday. If you can get away, my door is always open for you.
Love and hugs and smooshy kisses.
Clare
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
mission statement
Crazy beginning of the week, as usual. Classes on Mon and Tues evening are great for getting it over early in the week, but I feel as if I play catch up the rest of the week. Last night we were talking about family therapy...how no one individual can be understood isolated from their environment, or family of origin.
One funny remark was that the only 'normal' people are those we don't know well.
It is true that everyone has challenges and traumas in their life...there is no perfection...but what we do to survive and thrive is the important aspect of the story.
I read a quote recently by Pema Chodron that said, "All strong souls go to hell before they can do the healing they were sent to do." or something to that effect.
I have been focusing on the image of the wounded healer recently...
the ancient Greek myth of Chiron who lived with incurable wounds from a poisoned arrow or Aesclipius who developed the healing arts to treat his own wounds...
I think that I like this version better...
or one who is driven to develop or discover cures because of their own needs...I think I choose this one because it is creative and proactive.
Anyway, I have been wondering what my roles and goals will be in the future. If everyone inevitably suffers then prevention is not possible. Could it be that the experiences cannot be prevented, but our reactions to them could be made healthier. From what I have come to understand it is not the stress that makes people ill, but the failure to respond appropriately to our body's signal. If we are frightened and have the fight or flight reaction, we burn off the stress hormones and their by products...it is when we freeze or dissociate that we experience illness from these chemicals. So how do we respond to child abuse as a society?
Stop it all together...probably not...but we should try.
Teach our children to fight or flight...a good option...it is like our panic to restraint is a reenactment of being frozen at a time when we should have moved (fight or flight).
I was challenged to create a mission statement for my life (the rest of it anyway) that will guide my personal approach to working with the vulnerable. I have been working with alot of phrases...but haven't come up with a whole idea yet. It will certainly have to include wholeness and health...and consciously traveling the journey...
So what would your mission statement look like?
I have to help the youngest with a science assignment...
Maggie
One funny remark was that the only 'normal' people are those we don't know well.
It is true that everyone has challenges and traumas in their life...there is no perfection...but what we do to survive and thrive is the important aspect of the story.
I read a quote recently by Pema Chodron that said, "All strong souls go to hell before they can do the healing they were sent to do." or something to that effect.
I have been focusing on the image of the wounded healer recently...
the ancient Greek myth of Chiron who lived with incurable wounds from a poisoned arrow or Aesclipius who developed the healing arts to treat his own wounds...
I think that I like this version better...
or one who is driven to develop or discover cures because of their own needs...I think I choose this one because it is creative and proactive.
Anyway, I have been wondering what my roles and goals will be in the future. If everyone inevitably suffers then prevention is not possible. Could it be that the experiences cannot be prevented, but our reactions to them could be made healthier. From what I have come to understand it is not the stress that makes people ill, but the failure to respond appropriately to our body's signal. If we are frightened and have the fight or flight reaction, we burn off the stress hormones and their by products...it is when we freeze or dissociate that we experience illness from these chemicals. So how do we respond to child abuse as a society?
Stop it all together...probably not...but we should try.
Teach our children to fight or flight...a good option...it is like our panic to restraint is a reenactment of being frozen at a time when we should have moved (fight or flight).
I was challenged to create a mission statement for my life (the rest of it anyway) that will guide my personal approach to working with the vulnerable. I have been working with alot of phrases...but haven't come up with a whole idea yet. It will certainly have to include wholeness and health...and consciously traveling the journey...
So what would your mission statement look like?
I have to help the youngest with a science assignment...
Maggie
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Exhaustedly, but lovingly
Hi Maggie,
I have been exhausted all day. I can't sleep, but I am soooooo tired. Could be the eclipse - and we get two this month. I listened to a lecture this afternoon and a few of the phrases spoke to me. I'm going to jot them here, so I don't forget. Then, when my brain is functioning again, maybe I can see why they drew my attention.
The lecture was about cellular intelligence and power. The woman. Chloe Park, told a story of great abuse leading to three suicide attempts. On her twenty-first birthday a shaman found her and set her on a path of healing. The shaman thing jumped out at me again.
Things I hope to reflect on:
Those of us who are doing this work are speakers of truth and we are awakening all over the world.
Our species, as a collective, is realizing who we are and integrating back to wholeness.
In the surrender state we are open to receive.
We are exploring our dark selves, but one candle, no - one speck of Light - transmutes the dark.
Love is the highest vibration of the Universe.
Red chakra - deals with tribe, ancestry, the imprints of our lineage, the core issues of what has happened to us.
Orange chakra - sexuality, creativity, relationships, power of intent.
Yellow chakra - will, sense of self, identity.
How do we make love with all of creation? How do we reamin present in every moment? How can we be penetrated by the very air?
We must climb into the abyss that blocks us.
No problem has ever been solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it.
If we just serve one person, that is enough.
Exhaustedly but lovingly,
Clare
I have been exhausted all day. I can't sleep, but I am soooooo tired. Could be the eclipse - and we get two this month. I listened to a lecture this afternoon and a few of the phrases spoke to me. I'm going to jot them here, so I don't forget. Then, when my brain is functioning again, maybe I can see why they drew my attention.
The lecture was about cellular intelligence and power. The woman. Chloe Park, told a story of great abuse leading to three suicide attempts. On her twenty-first birthday a shaman found her and set her on a path of healing. The shaman thing jumped out at me again.
Things I hope to reflect on:
Those of us who are doing this work are speakers of truth and we are awakening all over the world.
Our species, as a collective, is realizing who we are and integrating back to wholeness.
In the surrender state we are open to receive.
We are exploring our dark selves, but one candle, no - one speck of Light - transmutes the dark.
Love is the highest vibration of the Universe.
Red chakra - deals with tribe, ancestry, the imprints of our lineage, the core issues of what has happened to us.
Orange chakra - sexuality, creativity, relationships, power of intent.
Yellow chakra - will, sense of self, identity.
How do we make love with all of creation? How do we reamin present in every moment? How can we be penetrated by the very air?
We must climb into the abyss that blocks us.
No problem has ever been solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it.
If we just serve one person, that is enough.
Exhaustedly but lovingly,
Clare
Monday, November 12, 2012
eating to numb
Hi Maggie,
I also recognize the pattern, and I am trying to be gentle with myself. I feel empty or something. It's not quite sad, but almost. I feel like staring, I guess. It is strange that I have such a poor emotional vocabulary.
I feel empty and so I forage for something to eat. And of course, I choose a trigger food to stop the emotions I can't even identify. I choose wheat or chocolate or sugar. I actually made Aunt MJ's chocolate zucchini bread, telling myself the vegetables made it - not so bad! Once I have the trigger, though, I keep picking. And as I forage and find things to eat - I berate myself. Then I feel bad and I am delivering bad messages, and so I try to shut myself up with food.
Actually, this time I knew I was doing it, and a part of me stood aside, observing, smiling, accepting the drama. And what stopped it was cabbage. I ate a wedge of raw cabbage, I think sometimes when I am foraging, I am looking for a specific nutrient. Our foods are so dead, that I can't find them and so I keep eating.
The smiling, knowing part of me simply reminded me that the next day would be a little uncomfortable, and then I would be back to my normal diet...the one where I don't keep wheat in the house, and if I want chocolate I have to walk to the store to get it! I'm not saying no!!
I know that my inner Muse is at war with some frightened part of me. This may be the time when a damaged part, a memory emerges and I understand my weirdness just a little more.
The other thing is that I have been losing weight, slowly, and I want to like this new me and be this new me, and then I want to be braver.
I think our attitude toward children is changing. I think we are not the only ones trying to make sense of the senseless violence many families have become. My dear friend who was here yesterday came from a background of violence that makes ours seems paltry. And she knows she doesn't have a reference for family life and it has impeded her parenting, and lots of painful things happened. But her kids, although still struggling, are keeping their families together better than she did. She is another brave soul who is not afraid to admit what she did, and who is not afraid to look at what happened to her, even though it hurts like hell.
I don't know what happened in our sibs families, and I am not proud of what happened in mine, but our parenting was better than what happened to us. And as we expose what happened to us, others will come out too. It is getting better. I just wish it was happening faster. My heart bleeds for all the kids, all the pets being neglected or abused. I wish we could just change and go through the pain of thawing once and for all...but are we strong enough? Do we have the resilience? Or is this thawing little by little the way to retain our resilience?
Lots of questions, feeling hopeful...no chocolate in the house!
Love from Clare
I also recognize the pattern, and I am trying to be gentle with myself. I feel empty or something. It's not quite sad, but almost. I feel like staring, I guess. It is strange that I have such a poor emotional vocabulary.
I feel empty and so I forage for something to eat. And of course, I choose a trigger food to stop the emotions I can't even identify. I choose wheat or chocolate or sugar. I actually made Aunt MJ's chocolate zucchini bread, telling myself the vegetables made it - not so bad! Once I have the trigger, though, I keep picking. And as I forage and find things to eat - I berate myself. Then I feel bad and I am delivering bad messages, and so I try to shut myself up with food.
Actually, this time I knew I was doing it, and a part of me stood aside, observing, smiling, accepting the drama. And what stopped it was cabbage. I ate a wedge of raw cabbage, I think sometimes when I am foraging, I am looking for a specific nutrient. Our foods are so dead, that I can't find them and so I keep eating.
The smiling, knowing part of me simply reminded me that the next day would be a little uncomfortable, and then I would be back to my normal diet...the one where I don't keep wheat in the house, and if I want chocolate I have to walk to the store to get it! I'm not saying no!!
I know that my inner Muse is at war with some frightened part of me. This may be the time when a damaged part, a memory emerges and I understand my weirdness just a little more.
The other thing is that I have been losing weight, slowly, and I want to like this new me and be this new me, and then I want to be braver.
I think our attitude toward children is changing. I think we are not the only ones trying to make sense of the senseless violence many families have become. My dear friend who was here yesterday came from a background of violence that makes ours seems paltry. And she knows she doesn't have a reference for family life and it has impeded her parenting, and lots of painful things happened. But her kids, although still struggling, are keeping their families together better than she did. She is another brave soul who is not afraid to admit what she did, and who is not afraid to look at what happened to her, even though it hurts like hell.
I don't know what happened in our sibs families, and I am not proud of what happened in mine, but our parenting was better than what happened to us. And as we expose what happened to us, others will come out too. It is getting better. I just wish it was happening faster. My heart bleeds for all the kids, all the pets being neglected or abused. I wish we could just change and go through the pain of thawing once and for all...but are we strong enough? Do we have the resilience? Or is this thawing little by little the way to retain our resilience?
Lots of questions, feeling hopeful...no chocolate in the house!
Love from Clare
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Wait for Marcy
I read one of the books out loud to you...Wait for Marcy. That memory emerged last night...I used to let you in my room sometimes.
Is normal possible?
It must be in the air...or the water...
I have turned to chocolate again...my drug of choice...
I didn't touch it for a long time...
now that I am stuck in this funck...everyday, just a little to feel better...
amazing what stress internalized does to our cravings.
Like you said though...at least I recognize the pattern early and can choose to eat or not to eat.
I was curious so I googled valuing children in our society and nothing came up that was pertinent...
I guess I talk with people who value children...
work to protect and support them in life and through crises...
I think that's why I like to talk to social workers...
as professionals they are so focused on protecting and empowering the vulnerable.
So how does all of this reflect back to us?
Is the US's attitudes towards children ever going to change?
By what mechanism can it change?
The key to significantly decreasing disease, crime, addictions, mental illness is a secure childhood...
not perfect...
not Utopia...
but secure and supported by at least one, consistently loving person.
How is that possible?
I just don't understand how you can be considered a nonentity as a child and then be expected to assume full rights and responsibilities as an adult.
We did make that transition, but some of us less successfully than the rest...
Is normal possible, or are we all just variations on the theme of normal?
I am trying to remember you reading at night...
I honestly don't remember you after dinner, unless you were babysitting.
You must have been good at escape...
Now, I must say that my memories from young childhood are very spotty so that probably doesn't mean anything.
I wish that I could remember more than bits and pieces...it is so frustrating being fragmented...especially when I react to something in an unexpected way...then I wonder if the experience is triggering a suppressed memory.
I hope that you have a very quiet Sunday evening...
I am going to get comfortable and settle in...
Love and blessings,
Maggie
I have turned to chocolate again...my drug of choice...
I didn't touch it for a long time...
now that I am stuck in this funck...everyday, just a little to feel better...
amazing what stress internalized does to our cravings.
Like you said though...at least I recognize the pattern early and can choose to eat or not to eat.
I was curious so I googled valuing children in our society and nothing came up that was pertinent...
I guess I talk with people who value children...
work to protect and support them in life and through crises...
I think that's why I like to talk to social workers...
as professionals they are so focused on protecting and empowering the vulnerable.
So how does all of this reflect back to us?
Is the US's attitudes towards children ever going to change?
By what mechanism can it change?
The key to significantly decreasing disease, crime, addictions, mental illness is a secure childhood...
not perfect...
not Utopia...
but secure and supported by at least one, consistently loving person.
How is that possible?
I just don't understand how you can be considered a nonentity as a child and then be expected to assume full rights and responsibilities as an adult.
We did make that transition, but some of us less successfully than the rest...
Is normal possible, or are we all just variations on the theme of normal?
I am trying to remember you reading at night...
I honestly don't remember you after dinner, unless you were babysitting.
You must have been good at escape...
Now, I must say that my memories from young childhood are very spotty so that probably doesn't mean anything.
I wish that I could remember more than bits and pieces...it is so frustrating being fragmented...especially when I react to something in an unexpected way...then I wonder if the experience is triggering a suppressed memory.
I hope that you have a very quiet Sunday evening...
I am going to get comfortable and settle in...
Love and blessings,
Maggie
Schizo-Clare
Hey Maggie, Guess what...
I started gaining some weight this week. I am numbing. I am using sugar and wheat to cover the Muse. I am seeking my cowboy boot psyche, trying to reform the instrument of torture, so I can resume kicking myself...There is some part of me that desperately wants to hide and maintain status quo. This shows I am making progress, I think!
A dear friend was here for the afternoon. She came in with a carnelian pendant and told me she had no idea why, but she knew it was for me.
I know why. The meditation that introduced the Muse came through my very wounded orange chakra. And this carnelian is very orange. She is offering loving support.
So I am hiding, I am choosing slow-motion suicide through unhealthy foods...I am also coveting flowered boots and new glasses and maybe a haircut.
Feeling just a tad schizophrenic today!!
Love you,
Clare
I started gaining some weight this week. I am numbing. I am using sugar and wheat to cover the Muse. I am seeking my cowboy boot psyche, trying to reform the instrument of torture, so I can resume kicking myself...There is some part of me that desperately wants to hide and maintain status quo. This shows I am making progress, I think!
A dear friend was here for the afternoon. She came in with a carnelian pendant and told me she had no idea why, but she knew it was for me.
I know why. The meditation that introduced the Muse came through my very wounded orange chakra. And this carnelian is very orange. She is offering loving support.
So I am hiding, I am choosing slow-motion suicide through unhealthy foods...I am also coveting flowered boots and new glasses and maybe a haircut.
Feeling just a tad schizophrenic today!!
Love you,
Clare
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Do we value children?
What percentage of our generation, do you suppose, was constipated? Do you think our experience is exceptional? I think we were victims of the 50's and 60s, but I think this goes deeper.
I read something once, and as usual, I don't remember the source, but I remember the gist. During eras when children were seen as separate - when childhood was a separate time, and children wore clothes specific to childhood, children were valued more and treated better. In eras when children appear to be small versions of adults, they are commodities, they are belongings, but they are not precious and valued. Specifically mentioned were the Tudor era in Britain, and the Pilgrims/Puritans.
Exhibit 1 - Toddlers in Tiaras. We are not in a time period where we cherish the children. We are in an era when children are nuisances and bothers as children - only valuable as sex objects or mini adults. As a homeschooling mom, I was asked repeatedly how I could stand to be around them all day long. And as a mom who goes as far as necessary for your kids, I am sure there have been people who questioned you also. What I think you are perceiving is that in our family, in our generation, we have valued and protected our children, we have loved each as an individual and we have sensed the joy they bring to our lives, much much more than has ever happened before in this family line.
In addition to not valuing children, we also do not value mothers or parenting.
If we valued children, if their well-being was of any concern, mothers would not be separated from their infants for over 8 hours a day beginning at the age of 6 weeks. Six weeks is a key time for establishing the breastfeeding relationship. That is inhumane, and we are the cruelest of western countries in this regard. If we valued children, they would be breastfed and in arms.
I never knew Mom hit you girls nightly. I knew how to be quiet and hide, so I missed everything. I went to my room with a book - I read a book almost every day. Usually I read young adult romances, where in the end somebody loved the lonely or depressed heroine. The books gave me an escape into unreality. Maybe I still live there!!
Back to considering today, children wear the same clothes the adults, especially young adults do. They wear sexy clothes - jeans and camisoles or tight yoga pants. I don't see pinafores or overalls and braids. I do know a 6 year old with a streaked bob. We sexualize them to give them value, because it is the only value we seem to perceive in this sick culture. Everyone and everything is a commodity.
I am glad you are different. I am glad you are treasuring today. I am glad that your kids are not fighting - they sort of outgrow that. Mine still fight occasionally, but it's so much more civilized now!!
I am a loose ends...not quite sure what to do with myself...
Love to you and your family...Clare
I read something once, and as usual, I don't remember the source, but I remember the gist. During eras when children were seen as separate - when childhood was a separate time, and children wore clothes specific to childhood, children were valued more and treated better. In eras when children appear to be small versions of adults, they are commodities, they are belongings, but they are not precious and valued. Specifically mentioned were the Tudor era in Britain, and the Pilgrims/Puritans.
Exhibit 1 - Toddlers in Tiaras. We are not in a time period where we cherish the children. We are in an era when children are nuisances and bothers as children - only valuable as sex objects or mini adults. As a homeschooling mom, I was asked repeatedly how I could stand to be around them all day long. And as a mom who goes as far as necessary for your kids, I am sure there have been people who questioned you also. What I think you are perceiving is that in our family, in our generation, we have valued and protected our children, we have loved each as an individual and we have sensed the joy they bring to our lives, much much more than has ever happened before in this family line.
In addition to not valuing children, we also do not value mothers or parenting.
If we valued children, if their well-being was of any concern, mothers would not be separated from their infants for over 8 hours a day beginning at the age of 6 weeks. Six weeks is a key time for establishing the breastfeeding relationship. That is inhumane, and we are the cruelest of western countries in this regard. If we valued children, they would be breastfed and in arms.
I never knew Mom hit you girls nightly. I knew how to be quiet and hide, so I missed everything. I went to my room with a book - I read a book almost every day. Usually I read young adult romances, where in the end somebody loved the lonely or depressed heroine. The books gave me an escape into unreality. Maybe I still live there!!
Back to considering today, children wear the same clothes the adults, especially young adults do. They wear sexy clothes - jeans and camisoles or tight yoga pants. I don't see pinafores or overalls and braids. I do know a 6 year old with a streaked bob. We sexualize them to give them value, because it is the only value we seem to perceive in this sick culture. Everyone and everything is a commodity.
I am glad you are different. I am glad you are treasuring today. I am glad that your kids are not fighting - they sort of outgrow that. Mine still fight occasionally, but it's so much more civilized now!!
I am a loose ends...not quite sure what to do with myself...
Love to you and your family...Clare
cherish the children
First we have to remember that this was the 50-60's...
breastfeeding was not acceptable...
science and doctors knew better than our own body.
I do wonder what Mom meant about being harsh...
I remember her being frazzled but not harsh...
In F-burg she came up almost every night and paddled us with the ping pong paddle because the 4 of us wouldn't settle down...I never figured that one out...but fatigue can make people do strange things.
I will look into constipation and abuse or even harsh toilet training and later issues...I haven't seen anything in my reading, but then again I wasn't looking.
We were born into a very different society...
one that barely tolerated children...
and only because they would eventually become adults.
Kids were not valued as they are now, or when we had our children...
I cherish my children...from the moment I was aware of their existence I wanted nothing but the best for them.
I wish I had been valued half as much.
I remember feeling as if no one noticed if I was around...
except when I was falling asleep at the dinner table...or making too much noise after bed time...
Anyway...I can't change the past...just learn the lessons that I lived through...and try to use that knowledge to prevent the same types of occurrences in the present or future.
It's funny though, even though kids seem to be valued much more now, there is still a staggering amount of child abuse and neglect in our society...so maybe we still have a long way to go.
I am trying to be thankful for my blessings today...
my kids were all together today...
and no one fought....every one's healthy...
I was able to order a small organic turkey so that we can all share a Thanksgiving dinner in a week and a half...
Thank you for the tears we shed at life's greatest times...
the tears of joy as each child is born,
the tears of pain as our heart is torn,
the tears of sorrow at a death we mourn,
the tears of promise as a love is sworn.
(from Thanksgiving)
Have a good night...
Love and Blessings, Maggie
breastfeeding was not acceptable...
science and doctors knew better than our own body.
I do wonder what Mom meant about being harsh...
I remember her being frazzled but not harsh...
In F-burg she came up almost every night and paddled us with the ping pong paddle because the 4 of us wouldn't settle down...I never figured that one out...but fatigue can make people do strange things.
I will look into constipation and abuse or even harsh toilet training and later issues...I haven't seen anything in my reading, but then again I wasn't looking.
We were born into a very different society...
one that barely tolerated children...
and only because they would eventually become adults.
Kids were not valued as they are now, or when we had our children...
I cherish my children...from the moment I was aware of their existence I wanted nothing but the best for them.
I wish I had been valued half as much.
I remember feeling as if no one noticed if I was around...
except when I was falling asleep at the dinner table...or making too much noise after bed time...
Anyway...I can't change the past...just learn the lessons that I lived through...and try to use that knowledge to prevent the same types of occurrences in the present or future.
It's funny though, even though kids seem to be valued much more now, there is still a staggering amount of child abuse and neglect in our society...so maybe we still have a long way to go.
I am trying to be thankful for my blessings today...
my kids were all together today...
and no one fought....every one's healthy...
I was able to order a small organic turkey so that we can all share a Thanksgiving dinner in a week and a half...
Thank you for the tears we shed at life's greatest times...
the tears of joy as each child is born,
the tears of pain as our heart is torn,
the tears of sorrow at a death we mourn,
the tears of promise as a love is sworn.
(from Thanksgiving)
Have a good night...
Love and Blessings, Maggie
Constipated brain
So I was up in the middle of the night...thinking. Why were we constipated? Were we constipated? Was this Mom trying to control us or expecting us to be absolutely normal? Did she panic if we didn't "go" regularly? Were our intestines damaged by the foods we were given?
I breastfed each of mine for an extended period. They all had bowel movements several times a day - except the last. She would go every two to three days. But she was breastfed, so I knew she was not constipated. I never resorted to enema, which I believe should be last resort. I always worry about destroying the natural flora of the intestine. With my last, as she began to eat solids, I experimented with which foods would keep her regular. I emphasized whole grains and she was fine. She has learned to take care of her own body - plenty of water, plenty of whole grains.
Why am I different?
Back to our childhood...were we constipated? or were we being forced to evacuate our bowels on someone else's schedule? or was Mom repeating was what done to her? Or repeating some version of what was done to her?
We lived with Grammy when you were an infant. When we moved into our own home, it was during the summer after your first birthday. So if Grammy was taking care of your bowel habits, it had to be that period when you were 5 or 6 months to 17 months old.
When restrained, I have the sense that I can't move my feet, my legs are immobilized...that is the major feeling.
One more thing I remember, which is only peripherally connected. Mom had 9 kids in 10 years. She decided she would not have more than two in diapers at one time. She said once that she wished she hadn't been so harsh with B#1 in order to force him through potty training. Do you remember Mom being harsh?
-Clare
I breastfed each of mine for an extended period. They all had bowel movements several times a day - except the last. She would go every two to three days. But she was breastfed, so I knew she was not constipated. I never resorted to enema, which I believe should be last resort. I always worry about destroying the natural flora of the intestine. With my last, as she began to eat solids, I experimented with which foods would keep her regular. I emphasized whole grains and she was fine. She has learned to take care of her own body - plenty of water, plenty of whole grains.
Why am I different?
Back to our childhood...were we constipated? or were we being forced to evacuate our bowels on someone else's schedule? or was Mom repeating was what done to her? Or repeating some version of what was done to her?
We lived with Grammy when you were an infant. When we moved into our own home, it was during the summer after your first birthday. So if Grammy was taking care of your bowel habits, it had to be that period when you were 5 or 6 months to 17 months old.
When restrained, I have the sense that I can't move my feet, my legs are immobilized...that is the major feeling.
One more thing I remember, which is only peripherally connected. Mom had 9 kids in 10 years. She decided she would not have more than two in diapers at one time. She said once that she wished she hadn't been so harsh with B#1 in order to force him through potty training. Do you remember Mom being harsh?
-Clare
Friday, November 9, 2012
Afraid....
Several months ago I spent time looking for a link between constipation and sexual abuse - searching the internet. I couldn't find a definitive link. I never knew you were a constipated baby too. I am feeling creepy and a little scared.
I remember bleeding occasionally during a bowel movement. I remember being 4 years old and being so afraid to climb on the potty, I knew it was going to hurt so much...Is there something here?
I'm shaking.....
I remember bleeding occasionally during a bowel movement. I remember being 4 years old and being so afraid to climb on the potty, I knew it was going to hurt so much...Is there something here?
I'm shaking.....
common threads
The constipation thing is a weird thread...
I remember Mom telling me that I was so constipated as a baby that Grammy had to digitally stimulate or disimpact stool from my rectum...
the other common thread is the restraining...
I can't breathe if I am held down...
it's a total panic to be pushed onto my back...
I have wondered where that came from...
knowing it was a deep reaction to the historical abuse.
Knowing that your son was asking to see me makes me very happy...
It is wonderful to be acknowledged...
and wanted.
I am spending the weekend with my kids...
the girls are coming home to "can for Thon"...
stand at busy intersections and collect donations for kids' cancer research...
It's a tradition at their university...
The oldest has collected over $3000 so far...
She really has a kind heart.
She is running a marathon next Sunday to raise additional money through pledges.
She is hoping to dance in the 46 hour dance marathon in March.
Husband and I spent the morning discussing our will with an attorney...
very strange, planning for my ultimate demise...
We have to decide at what age to allow the kids to take control of any inheritance they might receive...
when will they be mature enough?
it depends...on alot of circumstances...
I hope to get outside this weekend and put my gardens in order. The vegetable garden is done...but all of the perennials need to be cut off and cleaned up. It will be wonderful to connect to nature...and the weather is predicted to be beautiful.
Enjoy your evening...
will check in tomorrow,
Maggie
I remember Mom telling me that I was so constipated as a baby that Grammy had to digitally stimulate or disimpact stool from my rectum...
the other common thread is the restraining...
I can't breathe if I am held down...
it's a total panic to be pushed onto my back...
I have wondered where that came from...
knowing it was a deep reaction to the historical abuse.
Knowing that your son was asking to see me makes me very happy...
It is wonderful to be acknowledged...
and wanted.
I am spending the weekend with my kids...
the girls are coming home to "can for Thon"...
stand at busy intersections and collect donations for kids' cancer research...
It's a tradition at their university...
The oldest has collected over $3000 so far...
She really has a kind heart.
She is running a marathon next Sunday to raise additional money through pledges.
She is hoping to dance in the 46 hour dance marathon in March.
Husband and I spent the morning discussing our will with an attorney...
very strange, planning for my ultimate demise...
We have to decide at what age to allow the kids to take control of any inheritance they might receive...
when will they be mature enough?
it depends...on alot of circumstances...
I hope to get outside this weekend and put my gardens in order. The vegetable garden is done...but all of the perennials need to be cut off and cleaned up. It will be wonderful to connect to nature...and the weather is predicted to be beautiful.
Enjoy your evening...
will check in tomorrow,
Maggie
What the hell was he thinking?
I also cringe at the sound of a belt. I don't know if it happened to me, although I tend to think it did. I think this could be the source of escaping from my body - the reason I have not been in for so many decades. But I also think we are damaged by what we hear and see. When someone else is being hurt, there is a sense of relief - it's not me. And a terrible sense of guilt - because it's not me. We hear the belt, and we know someone will be hurt. The nausea begins...
I don't have anything more about the sense of being restrained. When it creeps close, I stop breathing. I panic. I was reading my baby book (Another advantage of being the oldest - I get the baby book. I know B#4 has an empty book. B#2's name was written in it, crossed off, then B#4's name written in...I think I am the only one with an actual baby book...) and found that by the time I was 6 weeks old, mom had "lost" her milk and I was on a formula of cow's milk, water and brown sugar. I wish I could get my hands on the doctor who gave her this advice and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. He had no right to do this to me! So then there are comments about me being constipated, and Mom had to do yet another enema. I wonder how closely this mimics sexual abuse. And I wonder if this is the source of the feeling of being restrained and of impending doom. And if so, I wonder how to even consider this...But I also wonder about the source - society or personal - of this type of healthcare, these choices...why it seemed like good parenting practices.
And I have wondered about constipation and food allergies - dairy allergies, and about constipation as a reaction to sexual abuse.
When I went to Al Anon, I heard clearly and frequently, and learned to believe - You can not take care of anyone but yourself. We are here together - you and me. We have each other. Our experience is not validated nor disempowered by anyone else. It's you and me and lots and lots of love between us. We are not here in order to draw any of our siblings in. We are available, but that is not my goal and I'm going to nag at you if it is your goal. And we all know I am the bossy one!! Their participation will not make what is happening more authentic. I love them all, passionately, I miss them and I want them in my life. But I am content to stand here in the open until someone, anyone wants to hold my hand and talk.
I'm glad I can't tell if anyone has looked at our struggles, read our words. If they have, you know this is overwhelming - it's a lot to think about. It's a lot to consider how our truth fits with their truth...you know??
I am sorry you can't come for dinner and wine, although I completely understand. What is strange, though, is just last night my middle child called to see if you were coming. He is so reserved that this was a little out the norm for him...but he wanted to show his son off to you. I think only S#3 has met the boy. I haven't talked to my kids about this work we are doing. So he is picking up this need for family connection from the ethers!!
I hope you have a chance to relax this weekend. I am working tomorrow, and no grandkid sleepovers this weekend...I will miss them!!
I miss you, too...Love, Clare
I don't have anything more about the sense of being restrained. When it creeps close, I stop breathing. I panic. I was reading my baby book (Another advantage of being the oldest - I get the baby book. I know B#4 has an empty book. B#2's name was written in it, crossed off, then B#4's name written in...I think I am the only one with an actual baby book...) and found that by the time I was 6 weeks old, mom had "lost" her milk and I was on a formula of cow's milk, water and brown sugar. I wish I could get my hands on the doctor who gave her this advice and ask him what the hell he thought he was doing. He had no right to do this to me! So then there are comments about me being constipated, and Mom had to do yet another enema. I wonder how closely this mimics sexual abuse. And I wonder if this is the source of the feeling of being restrained and of impending doom. And if so, I wonder how to even consider this...But I also wonder about the source - society or personal - of this type of healthcare, these choices...why it seemed like good parenting practices.
And I have wondered about constipation and food allergies - dairy allergies, and about constipation as a reaction to sexual abuse.
When I went to Al Anon, I heard clearly and frequently, and learned to believe - You can not take care of anyone but yourself. We are here together - you and me. We have each other. Our experience is not validated nor disempowered by anyone else. It's you and me and lots and lots of love between us. We are not here in order to draw any of our siblings in. We are available, but that is not my goal and I'm going to nag at you if it is your goal. And we all know I am the bossy one!! Their participation will not make what is happening more authentic. I love them all, passionately, I miss them and I want them in my life. But I am content to stand here in the open until someone, anyone wants to hold my hand and talk.
I'm glad I can't tell if anyone has looked at our struggles, read our words. If they have, you know this is overwhelming - it's a lot to think about. It's a lot to consider how our truth fits with their truth...you know??
I am sorry you can't come for dinner and wine, although I completely understand. What is strange, though, is just last night my middle child called to see if you were coming. He is so reserved that this was a little out the norm for him...but he wanted to show his son off to you. I think only S#3 has met the boy. I haven't talked to my kids about this work we are doing. So he is picking up this need for family connection from the ethers!!
I hope you have a chance to relax this weekend. I am working tomorrow, and no grandkid sleepovers this weekend...I will miss them!!
I miss you, too...Love, Clare
Thursday, November 8, 2012
the funck continues
I have been going through images of abuse for a presentation that I am preparing and then giving in January.Today I saw a picture of a young child cowering on a bed in the corner and there was a silhouette of an adult with a belt in their hands. In my mind I could hear the snapping of the belt, as if they had it doubled and were pulling the two ends quickly together...it was very real and frightening...I quickly reassured myself that it was not real...but it was very real for a moment. I don't remember ever being 'belted' I know that I was terrified of the possibility of that punishment.
I am still in my funck...my state of unbalance or rebalancing.
I am forgetting to make phone calls that need to be made, feeling disconnected, disorganized...that sort of thing. You were talking about moons...I have had this feeling before when Mercury was in retrograde...I am not even sure what that exactly means...but I have noticed this same feeling when I've been told that is happening.
The weekend wine tasting sounds great, but with everything coming due at the end of the semester I just can't travel....the way I feel I would probably get lost along the way anyway. Sorry. I graduate in May...hopefully I will settle into a less hectic path then.
As I was preparing the powerpoint presentation I remembered a quote that I read about 3 years ago...
It struck me then as I was struggling to understand a horse and it speaks to me now considering all we are journeying through...
I am still in my funck...my state of unbalance or rebalancing.
I am forgetting to make phone calls that need to be made, feeling disconnected, disorganized...that sort of thing. You were talking about moons...I have had this feeling before when Mercury was in retrograde...I am not even sure what that exactly means...but I have noticed this same feeling when I've been told that is happening.
The weekend wine tasting sounds great, but with everything coming due at the end of the semester I just can't travel....the way I feel I would probably get lost along the way anyway. Sorry. I graduate in May...hopefully I will settle into a less hectic path then.
As I was preparing the powerpoint presentation I remembered a quote that I read about 3 years ago...
It struck me then as I was struggling to understand a horse and it speaks to me now considering all we are journeying through...
"If her past were your past,
her pain your pain,
her level of consciousness your level of consciousness,
you would think and act exactly as she does.
With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace.
The ego doesn’t like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength."
her pain your pain,
her level of consciousness your level of consciousness,
you would think and act exactly as she does.
With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace.
The ego doesn’t like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength."
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