on the road - happily

Good morning,

I'm up early fretting and finishing up packing.There was one book I wanted to take, and I simply can not find it.  One last look, I guess...

I have decided not to take my computer with me.  I really want to, but I only have one and if anything happens to it, I can not work. As one of the many paycheck-to-paycheck Americans - this is a concern. I am worried about bumping it around, but my oldest pointed out that its the kind of thing people steal.  Do I really want to be that vigilant and suspicious for three days??

So I will be electronic free and completely incommunicado until I get there!

I won't be back here in cyberworld until Monday, and then I don't know what will happen.  My son said their computer died. I know they use an iPad.  I'll see what works.  If I can't get on, I won't be able to post until August 19 or 20. If that is the case, I will write, the old fashioned way, and transcribe when I get home.

So, I had an insight this week.

I found I was getting real excited about this trip...kind of like Christmas Eve excited.  But I started listing the to-dos and other things I have to worry about, and brought myself back down.  I do this for Christmas, too. I kind of pride myself on just working and getting things done, then suddenly it's Christmas and I have a good day. 

I suddenly remembered, and heard Dad inside my head.  He used to be in good moods and make promises of fun things we would all do tomorrow. Then tomorrow he would be angry with us for expecting anything of him.  And we would hear the:  You damn kids...tirade.  There were so many things we were promised that he reneged on, in anger.  I learned not to believe, not to get excited.  I stopped being excited about Christmas years ago. 

That's so sad.

And it takes us back to the questions we have asked over and over and over  -  How do we get Dad out of our heads?????

So, I'm looking for a little excitement, somewhere herein my soul.  I'm really happy to be able to go see my son and his wife and their kids.  I'm really happy!

Love and hugs from Clare

family

Poor Mama,

I feel your pain.

Mine try to fix each other, too.  They criticize and sort of turn on each other.  Two of them try to force the youngest to grow up.  They don't seem to notice that she doesn't want what they want.

I feel like I have always accepted people the way they are.  I wish we had that in the family - in that sacred space where everyone is supposed to feel safe.

The older kids are "concerned" about my watching the baby, for free, too much. There is a level of worrying about me, but there's another level of forcing the spoiled baby to grow up.  Add to that their resentment because she could wrap Daddy around her little finger for years. 

Each of the kids went through a rough patch with their Dad when they hit their early 20s.  He treated them poorly and they hated it/him.  As they age into their late 20s, each has made peace with him. He is currently being a shit to the youngest, and I think encouraging the older kids to pressure her.

She knows she is not one of them.  She knows she is not good enough.  And on some levels it makes us a family just playing our parts.

As damaged as I was/we were - this is not surprising. We had no role models.  We don't know how to be a supportive, connected family - although we want a supportive, connective family.

And for your son at home, this is part of how he moves out of the family and becomes an adult. A family with adult children has a very different dynamic than a family with kids.

I went and had dinner with my middle son and his family tonight.  I miss my oldest granddaughter's birthday when I go out west. So tonight I took her ice cream and a new book. She gave me her favorite book of all time to read on the bus. And I found out that my grandson wants a sleepover at my house alone - no sister, no cousin.  He often tells his Mom that I miss him and he needs to come and see me.

I am haphazardly trying to pack and clean house and prepare for a meeting tomorrow evening...typical me!!

Hope your day goes better tomorrow.

Love and hugs,

Clare

(Sisters weekend in November. We'll behave. Honest!)

vacation rant

Clare,

So, tonight my daughters decided to have a spat at the restaurant…
I took the oldest and left to avoid the continued embarrassment…
they are both critical and sensitive…
they criticize each other…
and yet are sensitive to each others' comments.
You cannot be offended when you are frequently offensive.

I don't get it.
Their father and I have always been respectful towards them and each other…
I think that's true.
But they criticize me because I'm not harsh and tough on the boys, particularly the youngest.
They think their criticisms will mold him…
no, they only anger and hurt him.
They talk to each other in a way that offends the other…
I don't know how to correct this pattern…
except to call them out and raise awareness.

I took a long walk after we got home. All I can think of is the young man I've been telling you about who has no real family…
and all he wants is to knit his broken family back together…
even if it means sacrificing opportunity.
Mine would sacrifice each other to gain opportunity for themselves.
That sounds harsh…
but it feels realistic right now.

I hate the fact that they have had the best of everything that I could give them…
my time, energy, love, attention, as well as "things"…
and all they can think of is themselves.
I don't get it.

I don't want another vacation until they can get along.

I called my older son and apologized for the circumstances that led up to his decision to stay home…
alone…
I think he's justified.
I wish I were there right now.

I love this island…
why do my kids have to be so tough?

Sorry for the rant…
It was a good day up until this evening…
I'll try to dwell on the positive.

Love and Light,
Maggie

relaxation

Clare,

Days here are wonderful…
not perfect…
there are still conflicts and spats…
but they melt away with a little sunshine and ocean breeze.
My oldest keeps telling me how much she loves it here…
My youngest has been incredibly independent…
tonight he blew a tire on a golf cart and had to be rescued…
of course his sisters gave him a hard time.

About my older son…
I love being home alone too.
I guess my biggest concern is that he feels as if he's not included in the family vacation…
even if he made the choice himself…
I don't want him thinking, "they didn't want me to come"…
or that we are having more fun without him there.

I want him to know that he is always wanted…
welcomed…
encouraged to come along…
but not commanded.
Does that make sense?

Today we walked and rode bikes and shopped and hiked in the woods, and ate and relaxed…
I had too much sun yesterday, so I avoided the beach.
No signs of dolphins yet this week.
We have a cardinal that has been flying around the house, pecking on windows…
it begins about 6:30 am and continues until sunset.
I've tried going out…
he comes back.
The guy at the hardware store said he is defending his territory from his own reflection…
I guess I'll just have to keep talking to him.

The two herons intrigues me…
what if she is flying with you through this part of your journey…
what if she's guiding you…
not taking you away…

I hope you have a wonderful trip.
I'll keep checking in through the week.
Love and Light,
Maggie

lists

Hi Maggie,


Ah the island.  I hope you are enjoying every minute!  I envy you!

I also envy your son, in a way.  I remember when I was finally old enough to stay home alone, and didn't have to go with you all.  The silence was like heaven. I loved that time.

My daughter is not allowed to go back to work until Wednesday.  So I am having an easy week...which is good, because I have not packed yet.  I will probably do that the night before.  I am getting caught up with laundry and the house.  I'm both dreading and looking forward to the bus ride.  Three days of being able to read, write, knit - it's nice. And the landscape is constantly changing.  But being in close quarters with strangers is both interesting and unsettling.

And I feel so pulled.  I want to be with the kids out west, hate to leave the kids in the east.  But that's every day...I miss the ones I am not with every single day.

I am thinking about what to take with me.  Mom made a notebook of the columns I wrote about the kids many years ago. They were complete in two notebooks.  The kids lent them to a friend, and I only got one back.  I don't think the western g-kids know about the columns.  That will be bedtime stories.  And I am taking my computer, and so  I can share all the family pictures.

My oldest gave me a blank book, and I had this feeling that someday a descendent would be interested in who we are, and so I started handwriting and commenting on some of our favorite recipes.  I want to invite others to do so too.  So that goes...

I want to take home to them.  I can't forget the camera. A friend in another country asked me to take pictures all across the country and email them.  One more project...

So, I guess I am not being deep and philosophical today. I'm just making lists...

Hope you are having a ball...

Love and hugs from Clare

island days

Clare,

My computer was returned the evening before we left for our trip. So, I brought it along. I've been catching up with cyber-world as a break from the beautiful surroundings. Our drive was very long…
3 separate traffic jams which made our trip 13 hours instead of 10.
We got here to see the sun set from our deck…
so all is well.
The island is more crowded than usual…
still nothing like the NJ beaches…
stepping over bodies looking for a place to lay your towels…
but people in line waiting for stuff.

I walked a loop of half the island this morning with husband.
Then we got morning beverages.
After that my daughter #2 and I took bikes out to ride a loop around the island.
The chain from my bike popped off 4 times around the island. 3 times young men stopped to help us put it back on. I told my daughter, If I knew it was that easy to attract men I'd have tried it 30 years ago.
Then the girls and I went to the ocean and talked and played at water's edge. It was great…

It is strange not having my older son with us…
but it is peaceful…
and he seems content at home when I communicate with him.

I believe you are right about the young man teaching me lessons.
I am patiently waiting for him to come to some decision…
and then we can move from that place.
I realize that he has to investigate all options with his own family…
extinguish the fantasy of them rescuing him and finding perfection with them…
I just hope they don't raise his hopes one more time, just to drop him at the last minute…
again.
But, I've assured him that I will be here for him…
either as a therapist or a foster-mom…
he'll still have my support.
I hope that's enough.

I hope your daughter is feeling better.
I'll check in tomorrow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

summer afternoon

Hi Maggie,

My youngest was cleaning up some toys, stood up quickly and banged her head on a breaker door someone left opened.  She became dizzy and nauseous, she had to pull over to throw up. She went to work, but her boss sent her to the ER.  Diagnosis - mild concussion.  She can't work for three days. And I ended up keeping the baby overnight.

So I didn't get things done the way I had hoped. Instead - divine interruptions.

You wondered if Mom and Dad ever considered our safety.  My immediate thought was that they left you with me.  When I was 13, I was given responsibility for the eight of you, ages 12 through 3.  I was in no way ready or capable of being a good care provider.  Add to that my resentment of being told I would do it, rather than asked, or talked through it.  Definitely not wise.

But I suppose when you have 9 kids in 10 years, you can feel desperate to get away.  Any answer is good enough.

But we used to fight while they were gone.  I had a horrible time with B#1. 

Memories...

I talked to my oldest son, and he told me their computer died. So, I think I will take mine with me. I am wondering if I can get some writing done on the bus.  I have two things I am working on, and I never seem to have time. I am also going to take knitting projects.

It finally seems like summer here.  We are having a warm, humid summer day.  No one is here, and I am at a loss for what todo. There's so much that has to be done, but I also never get to just sit.

So, maybe, just until it's a little cooler...I will sit here and knit and enjoy the silence.

I think you are traveling to the island.  Travel safely.  I'll meet you here, soon.


Love and hugs from Clare