middle-of-the-night chaos...and breakthrough?

Hi Maggie,

I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep. Then the barrage happened. I don't know if I can remember it all, but I am going to share what I can. I actually sat up, took notes...then I never went back to sleep. Today was a long day of work.

I was awake, thinking about love...what is the opposite of love?  Until now I would have said apathy. But in the middle of the night, I thought, the opposite of love is pain.  Love is creating a safe place, a sanctuary for the beloved. It is a place where we are safe and protected, a place with little pain...we are human after all - can't expect perfection.

When we experience pain, we have a choice. We can harden ourselves, protect ourselves, and be prepared to lash back. Or we can soften ourselves and feel the pain.  Feeling the pain then softens us, makes us wiser, makes us loving, makes it harder to hurt us...

That doesn't mean stand still and be abused. I am not sure what it means, but I know we are not supposed to feed their rage with our obedience...Or maybe it does. I am not sure.

But I think this is the message of the Christ, of Gandhi, of Mandela, of the women who fought for the right to vote, of the activists.  And suddenly, those who cause the greatest pain are our best teachers.They are the ones who free us to love.  It seemed that maybe the escalation of pain is the tool that will put us into our heart and force us to evolve.

Those who cause us the most pain are those who are in the most pain. They have accepted the role of being abused so they could join the pain-givers, to help lead us into humane-ity.  Or else they teach us about endurance and loving-kindness. I am thinking about some of the abused dogs who remain so kind and forgiving and loving. I'm thinking about abused people, animals, veggies, planets...

And I was thinking about Papa and the pain he caused.  I was thinking about the fact that I don't really miss him. I decided to feel the pain. I went back to that "dream", the one with the beautiful sleeping Anne Geddes baby curled up on the big hand, the one that made me scream in my sleep. The one where, even awake, I could not make my mind stop screaming. I went there and instead of screaming, I stepped into it.And there was pain. Every part of my body hurt. My feet hurt. And I was aware of three of my chakras shattering. It hurt. It hurt so much.  I just let it roll through me.

And in the middle of the night, alone in the dark, I was shaking, and there were tears running down my cheeks. And I thought, this is why I eat sugar. This is what I don't want to feel.

And I went to my rape, and I felt. I felt like someone laid boards on my chest. I felt like I was being pressed alive. I could not breathe. It was a different pain. But it hurt.  Again...my body hurt, my emotional self hurt, my psyche hurt. And I just felt the pain. I let it roll over me and through me. And I was surviving. I was softening.  I was forgiving and releasing.

Again I thought, this is why I eat sugar. I don't want to feel this.  Sugar, flour numb this.  But this, it rolled away. I survived.  I learned it does not last.

A few days ago I found a fledgling that had fallen out of a nest.  I could not find the nest.  The feathers looked weak, and not completely there. I posted on a birdwatchers board and found it was, as suspected, a mourning dove.

And I remembered the mourning dove from five years ago.  Do you remember? My grandson and I found it in the garden. A predator, probably the neighbor's huge white cat, had removed all of it's flight feathers on one wing. We moved it inside and kept it safe for about six weeks, maybe, and let it go once the feathers grewback. It flew away. 

I thought of my marriage, and the ways we hurt each other, grabbing at feathers and removing them. We were both damaged.

And those five weeks in a cage, seemed like my years here without a car. Healing time.  Finding my feathers.  Regrowing myself.

And Grandma came close and kissed my forehead, my third eye.  And I sobbed.

I am crying again, as I write...

Because we have to feel the pain. We have to trust it and treasure it. That is how we become powerful and gentle...a powerhouse of love, a safe place...a walking sanctuary.

There was so much more...I am caught in this much...

Again, though, write the book. And again from me - I am so tired. I need to know I am supported.  I need to not get up at 5 am and sit at a desk until mid or late afternoon.  I am tired....

A small voice said, maybe I could start. But I am roiling. I don't even know where to start.

And by goddess, I am tired...

But I am thinking. And I am feeling...and I am grateful!

Love and hugs from Clare

deeper truths -- somewhere

Hi Maggie,

I was going to suggest you contact La Leche League or CEA, the Childbirth Education Association.  I'm so glad you found an experienced mom to work with your program.  I am proud that I am the role model.  If you need me - to talk or for inspiration, let me know. But I think you are exactly on track.

If I came for six months, I would have to bring my chickens.  Wouldn't that be a trip??

I was wondering about the swamp, the pus, the layers, too. I am still being niggled about the idea of a deeper truth.  I wonder if I have to explore in a different direction or at a deeper latitude to find it.

The swamp is the crap that happened to us, the crap that happened to our ancestors and was then inflicted on us so we could damage our beloved children.  The boils are maybe the points that fester, that draw us, that beg for healing, maybe.  If we release, what will we find...what will we be releasing?

There is a deeper truth. That resounds in the Light for me. It is saying yes. It is calling me. I just don't know exactly what I am looking for.

I am looking at the teachers in my life right now.

What lessons am I being asked to learn?

I am being asked to think for myself, to trust myself, to not respond to gaslighting.  I am trying to make sure I take two giant steps away from drama and check to see what part I am playing.  I am being  called to understand it is better to be alone than in pain. I learned that lesson in my marriage.  But there is always a test or two to make sure!

I am being called to love deeply and gently even when in pain...to feel the pain, to acknowledge the pain, to welcome the pain, to love the pain. Pain is emotion, it is feeling, it means I am alive, I am growing, I am softening. It means we survive.

Feeling vulnerable...

Sending love and hugs,

Clare

synchronicity

Clare,
Just a quick note...
I found a doula/lactation consultant/La Leche Leader who wants to work with this pilot program!!!

I am so excited!
The Universe is good and synchronicity is working right now!
<3

Maggie

excited by the possibility

Clare,

I am coming to the end of my busiest month at this job yet. I have worked my ass off...
and ranted and raved because my boss and board took vacations and failed to physically help.
I lost it.
I lost it because the executive board forgot to show up at a meeting that I spent time preparing for...
time that should have been spent on this big project...
I felt invisible...
unworthy of their attention...
insignificant.
I refuse to be invisible.
I don't demand attention or kudos...
but I will be damned if I bust ass and no one else does.

I definitely need a little time off. I am working alone tomorrow...
that's almost time off...
and Monday I am working from home...
again, almost time off.
And then I hope my grant proposal for the pilot is written and I can get back to life (professional) as I have come to know it.

I think...
I hope that this inclusive classroom for pregnant and parenting teens becomes a reality. The one piece that is missing is a 'Clare'.
I need an educated, seasoned mom, who knows how to breastfeed, practices attachment parenting, who will work on the classroom 3 days a week for 6 hours each day. You are the model for that position...I wonder if I can find someone like you. If not, you could move down for 5.5 months and be my classroom facilitator! I'll give you free room and board.

The best part of this process is that during each interview that I do about the classroom the people at first glaze over...
another breastfeeding initiative...
and then we start talking about attachment, mirroring, neurodevelopment, potentials...
and the others get excited too.
They talk about breaking the cycle.
They are beginning to 'get it'.
I really want to emphasize how detrimental it is to separate moms and babies from a young age.
That is the message that is coming through these interviews.
today I spoke with 5 moms...
or moms to be...
3 out of the 5 said they would sign up for this classroom for several reasons...
flexibility...
respect...
the ability to stay with their babies...
and have support of a school.
I am very excited.

My youngest is at the beach. I have several quiet days at home. Next week we are puppy-sitting for our oldest's dog. That should be a lively week. God bless the poor cats!

I wonder about walking back through the swamp...
or pus...
I thought the clean source was the goal...
clean water source and the fertility of the swamp.
"Just keep swimming".

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

who waits to see

By my calculations, it's time to peel

away the obvious secrets so you can penetrate to the richer secrets

buried beneath. It's time to dare a world-changing risk that is currently

obscured by easy risks. It's time to find your real life hidden inside the

pretend one, to expedite the evolution of the authentic self that's

germinating in the darkness.              -Rob Brezsny

Hi Maggie,

I love Rob Brezsny.  He writes crazy funny astute horoscopes...this is the message for my rising sign.  I have been thinking about this for days.

The obvious secrets...abuse, shame, fat...not good enough...So what are the richer secrets beneath?

Suddenly wondered if we not only have to wade back through the swamp, to collect our secrets, but then jump through them...kind of like psychologically lancing the boil and then wading through the pus to see what we have there...

What is my authentic?  I am so good at camouflaging that, I am not sure where to look, what to look for.

But if I am germinating, all I have to do is add Light and let it grow.  I supposed there will be tendrils breaking through and then whatever it is will grow into sight.

I cross stitched a sampler once.  I thought of it tonight as I finished my vegetable garden.  It said:  Who plants a seed beneath the sod, then waits to see believes in god.

If I believe there is something germinating, I will wait to see.

I believe, I guess...

It is all about faith, being in the heart, trusting the flow.

Hope all is well with you.

Love and hugs from clare

listening to myself

Hi Maggie,

I was looking at my body today, and I flashed back to school.  I worked in a beer garden one summer. The year before the waitresses had worn denim skirts and T-shirts with sandals. My year we had to wear soccer shorts, soccer socks and sneakers.  The shorts were way short.

Every time I had a shift in the garden, I complained about my legs.  I touched them and announced that my legs were really fat.

Today, asI was looking at my legs, I realized my body listened and obeyed.

So it was not only Dad's "fat, dumb and ugly", it was mine...my voice, my words...

Now I'm trying to figure out how to fall back in love with my body...wait...I am rying to figure out how to fall in love with my body.  There is no "back in love"  if I was never there in the first place...

Love and hugs from Clare

father's day

Hi Maggie...

Wow.  You went places I never have, thinking about dreams.

The houses looked sound, just uninhabited.  Just like us, not quite being in our bodies.  I think this is an ancestral gift - teaching us to survive by abandoning our bodies...I am not sure what the trees were, but they were strong and sound and healthy.

Tree

To see lush green trees in your dream symbolize new hopes, growth, desires, knowledge, and life. It also implies strength, protection and stability. You are concentrating on your own self-development and individuation. 

                                              (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/t4.htm)

Oh, maybe you are right.  I am doing my own soul retrieval through dreams.

Making time...If I have to work enough time to support myself, there is simply not enough energy left to write a book.  If way opens, I will write it.  But now, I am tired.  And I choose to plant my garden first.

And, I understand your frustration about being the only one to show up. I think it is because if someone sees you will show up, it relieves them of the responsibility of showing up.  I think it a cultural change of ethics.  And I think we are all tired...so tired.

I spent yesterday doing the first event of our meeting permaculture project. I was the only one from meeting who was there.

I am the spark. They have allowed me to follow my leading.  But no one is there with me...I'm feeling rather tolerated...

We had three people there performing community service after being arrested for civil disobedience - blocking way to a site where a company will destroy our lake.  

What cool people...

My oldest was there leading part of the permaculture project, and laughing about her Quaker-hippy childhood, but commenting that it couldn't get much better than that! 

And...it is Father's Day.  S#5 put several photos up of her with Papa.  In one, her high school graduation, she is sitting on his lap with her arms around his neck, their heads together.  Both are smiling.

I looked at that picture for a while. I don't know that man. I never knew that father.  He complained about having to go to my graduations.  I did not want to go to my college graduation, but Mama really wanted to attend the ceremony.  Just she and Dad came up.  

I really didn't want to go because I knew he would hate it.

And he walked out in the middle of the ceremony - too long, too boring. I took it personally- too much me. 

I wished I hadn't gone... 

I don't think I have any pictures of the two of us...

It's Father's Day, and I am still feeling an icy lump.  I haven't really mourned his passing.  I kind of don't know he is gone...I kind of don't miss him. I'm kind of noticing we are a more relaxed family now... 

Did he relax and mellow with age, or with fewer kids in the house?  Or was it me? Did he simply dislike me all of my life?

Yeah- Happy Father's Day...