Clare,
I am trying to get used to this new work schedule and responsibility. I apologize that I have been less present here over the past several weeks. I have to find a time to blog and dedicate myself to it regularly.
I will answer your post later today. I am off and running right now. I'll be back...
TTYL
Maggie
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
someone else's puzzle
Hello Maggie, dear,
I saw the coolest quote today!
"Everyone carries with them at least one piece to someone else's puzzle."
So wrote Lawrence Kushner in his book, *Honey from the Rock.*
Reading it made me feel connected, or at least like I should be connected. It opened my mind and made me feel important - someone needs me. It made me feel opened - there's someone who needs to tell me something.
Then, somehow, I felt there was synchronicity in what you wrote. We have the insight to share with each other. Maybe I'm pushing too hard.
Unmet needs are, for me, the need for Mom to notice me when I was 3. The need to be breastfed for more than 6 weeks. There are holes in my psyche that will never be filled properly. For some, I think we meet those needs by offering what we needed to someone else. I nursed my children for extended periods. That was conscious. I was trying to be different, to be better. Unfortunately the unconscious crap erupted and spoiled what I wanted to create...at least tarnished it.
I know a young woman, she has been mentioned here. She was sexually abused as a young child in two separate ongoing incidences. She has an entirely unmet need to be protected...to be of enough value to her parents and step-parents to be protected and noticed. Some of her life is under control. But other parts are chaotic, because of this unmet need.
How do we fix it?
So, how do we recover?
Your comment about recognizing the other's humanity, reminds of a comment you made a long time ago, here, about circling around issues over and over, but seeing from a different perspective. I think that does help us understand. But the logic wars with the emotional and the emotional is submerged into seclusion.
S#3 knows everyone. She cares about everyone. She mothers our niece's beat friend sometimes. She simply is willing to love anyone who needs her. She told me once that you were the keeper of her secrets. So you are there for her. If I want to know what is going on with the sisters, I ask S#3. She knows! If I want to know about the brothers, I guess I ask Mom!
I have a baby snuggled up next to me. It's time for me to collapse into slumber!
Love and hugs from Clare
I saw the coolest quote today!
"Everyone carries with them at least one piece to someone else's puzzle."
So wrote Lawrence Kushner in his book, *Honey from the Rock.*
Reading it made me feel connected, or at least like I should be connected. It opened my mind and made me feel important - someone needs me. It made me feel opened - there's someone who needs to tell me something.
Then, somehow, I felt there was synchronicity in what you wrote. We have the insight to share with each other. Maybe I'm pushing too hard.
Unmet needs are, for me, the need for Mom to notice me when I was 3. The need to be breastfed for more than 6 weeks. There are holes in my psyche that will never be filled properly. For some, I think we meet those needs by offering what we needed to someone else. I nursed my children for extended periods. That was conscious. I was trying to be different, to be better. Unfortunately the unconscious crap erupted and spoiled what I wanted to create...at least tarnished it.
I know a young woman, she has been mentioned here. She was sexually abused as a young child in two separate ongoing incidences. She has an entirely unmet need to be protected...to be of enough value to her parents and step-parents to be protected and noticed. Some of her life is under control. But other parts are chaotic, because of this unmet need.
How do we fix it?
So, how do we recover?
Your comment about recognizing the other's humanity, reminds of a comment you made a long time ago, here, about circling around issues over and over, but seeing from a different perspective. I think that does help us understand. But the logic wars with the emotional and the emotional is submerged into seclusion.
S#3 knows everyone. She cares about everyone. She mothers our niece's beat friend sometimes. She simply is willing to love anyone who needs her. She told me once that you were the keeper of her secrets. So you are there for her. If I want to know what is going on with the sisters, I ask S#3. She knows! If I want to know about the brothers, I guess I ask Mom!
I have a baby snuggled up next to me. It's time for me to collapse into slumber!
Love and hugs from Clare
More than one right path
Clare,
Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
Those unmet needs are opportunities…
hurtful as they are.
They are opportunities to see another's humanity…
imperfection…
needs…
pain.
I think that recover happens when we recognize the other's humanity.
"They did the best they could, under the circumstances."
I said that to a young, disabled woman last week when she asked me how to forgive her Dad. He abused her physically. He caused traumatic brain injuries multiple times. She desperately wants to the normal. She laughed at me when I said that phrase to her…
"yeah, right…he should've done better".
I told her that that was the key to my forgiveness and healing. If she doesn't want that path, then I'll help her to find another. There is more than one right way to travel these journeys.
I wonder if Mom still has that letter from Aunt T…
I wonder if she'd share it.
It makes me sad to think of S#3 being the most interactive with family and yet the most isolated. I wish she would truly let us in. I see glimpses, mostly when she is desperate for help. When I help her she vows to stay close and then we both get busy with life. I wish she trusted my love.
We all need to trust in love.
We need to trust that we are worthy of love.
We need to find our belonging place.
Then we can really grow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
Those unmet needs are opportunities…
hurtful as they are.
They are opportunities to see another's humanity…
imperfection…
needs…
pain.
I think that recover happens when we recognize the other's humanity.
"They did the best they could, under the circumstances."
I said that to a young, disabled woman last week when she asked me how to forgive her Dad. He abused her physically. He caused traumatic brain injuries multiple times. She desperately wants to the normal. She laughed at me when I said that phrase to her…
"yeah, right…he should've done better".
I told her that that was the key to my forgiveness and healing. If she doesn't want that path, then I'll help her to find another. There is more than one right way to travel these journeys.
I wonder if Mom still has that letter from Aunt T…
I wonder if she'd share it.
It makes me sad to think of S#3 being the most interactive with family and yet the most isolated. I wish she would truly let us in. I see glimpses, mostly when she is desperate for help. When I help her she vows to stay close and then we both get busy with life. I wish she trusted my love.
We all need to trust in love.
We need to trust that we are worthy of love.
We need to find our belonging place.
Then we can really grow.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Monday, February 9, 2015
unmet needs
Hi Little Sister,
I am looking forward to beach time, also. I am looking forward to having all five sisters together for the first time ever, really - just the five of us alone. I am very curious about what the dynamics will be. You were all so young when I left home, and then we've all matured independently. I think S#3 is the one who has kept in the best touch with everyone. She feels the least connection too, which is interesting.
My youngest had a dream that her oldest brother came home. She started crying and he told her that he was home for good. I hope it was a premonition - a true one.
We got the letter from Aunt T. while I lived in the cabin. So it was in the 1997 - 2007 time frame. I think her words affected me, because it was the first time for me. It was the first time someone who knew they were dying spoke about it. Since then, I have been with several others who knew they were leaving and who spoke openly about it. It was so sensitive, like we could feel everything. It was a gift. And their death was different. A natural, expected relief and transition.
It is a gift.
Anyway I am looking forward to beach time. I am so cold, so February-cold. February always seems to be the longest month of the year. The days are getting longer and lighter, and I want to go outside. But it is so brutally cold out there, that I have to rush in. It is depressing. S#3 and I had a plan - win the lottery and go to a spa in Sedona this month. We failed at Step 1. Oh well, dreaming is fun, too!
I'm feeling kind of blank. I have a month of work and baby, with probably more baby time as her Mama goes through medical procedures. The house is messy and I can't seem to get it straight and make it stay that way. It seems like I have a long stark path ahead...of course, when we feel like this, something unexpected happens. So I'll just have to ride it and see what happens.
S#3 is okay. The abusive boyfriend is gone. Now the healing can begin again - hopefully without any more leaps from the wagon!
I was thinking about what to share...what have I been thinking about...and someone called me. We got into a discussion about unmet needs. There are things we needed as children, and we never received. And it will never be repaired. I thought of a terrible example. When I was just stepping into my separation, I was stepping into a world of pain that caused me to become very self-centered, very engrossed in my own pain. I forgot my oldest child's birthday. She was at S#5's house helping with the step-daughters. And I didn't do anything for her birthday. When she and her friends play "Who had the worst birthday?" - my child always wins.
I apologized. I am embarrassed. I am in pain for what I did, but I can never fix it.
There were things we all needed, and we didn't get - maybe not all, but in my circle, the statement stands. Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
I have a wise friend who often talks about chosen-family. We are the target of so much pain from our family of origin, that we simply break away, and find new family.
Is that an answer?
If I had to choose, I would still choose you. I love you. Thank you for standing with me...
Clare
I am looking forward to beach time, also. I am looking forward to having all five sisters together for the first time ever, really - just the five of us alone. I am very curious about what the dynamics will be. You were all so young when I left home, and then we've all matured independently. I think S#3 is the one who has kept in the best touch with everyone. She feels the least connection too, which is interesting.
My youngest had a dream that her oldest brother came home. She started crying and he told her that he was home for good. I hope it was a premonition - a true one.
We got the letter from Aunt T. while I lived in the cabin. So it was in the 1997 - 2007 time frame. I think her words affected me, because it was the first time for me. It was the first time someone who knew they were dying spoke about it. Since then, I have been with several others who knew they were leaving and who spoke openly about it. It was so sensitive, like we could feel everything. It was a gift. And their death was different. A natural, expected relief and transition.
It is a gift.
Anyway I am looking forward to beach time. I am so cold, so February-cold. February always seems to be the longest month of the year. The days are getting longer and lighter, and I want to go outside. But it is so brutally cold out there, that I have to rush in. It is depressing. S#3 and I had a plan - win the lottery and go to a spa in Sedona this month. We failed at Step 1. Oh well, dreaming is fun, too!
I'm feeling kind of blank. I have a month of work and baby, with probably more baby time as her Mama goes through medical procedures. The house is messy and I can't seem to get it straight and make it stay that way. It seems like I have a long stark path ahead...of course, when we feel like this, something unexpected happens. So I'll just have to ride it and see what happens.
S#3 is okay. The abusive boyfriend is gone. Now the healing can begin again - hopefully without any more leaps from the wagon!
I was thinking about what to share...what have I been thinking about...and someone called me. We got into a discussion about unmet needs. There are things we needed as children, and we never received. And it will never be repaired. I thought of a terrible example. When I was just stepping into my separation, I was stepping into a world of pain that caused me to become very self-centered, very engrossed in my own pain. I forgot my oldest child's birthday. She was at S#5's house helping with the step-daughters. And I didn't do anything for her birthday. When she and her friends play "Who had the worst birthday?" - my child always wins.
I apologized. I am embarrassed. I am in pain for what I did, but I can never fix it.
There were things we all needed, and we didn't get - maybe not all, but in my circle, the statement stands. Will we ever recover? How do we recover?
I have a wise friend who often talks about chosen-family. We are the target of so much pain from our family of origin, that we simply break away, and find new family.
Is that an answer?
If I had to choose, I would still choose you. I love you. Thank you for standing with me...
Clare
friends are connections
Clare,
I cannot remember Aunt T's Christmas card…
you've mentioned it before…
what year was that?
I wonder if I was at college and didn't have a chance (or take the opportunity) to look at it.
Yesterday was a day to reinforce connections.
I was reminded repeatedly of old friends and their importance. In addition to the woman at meeting, I went to the grocery store and, in the back corner by the milk, ran into two old friends. One I used to spend a lot of time with when our girls went to parochial school together. The other woman I met when I was in the hospital having baby #3. She had her fourth the day before and we talked as we walked around the halls. A few years later our sons started playing sports and they were almost always on a team together. We spent so many afternoons together at those games. And then last night a friend mentioned me on social media in a way that reminded us how connected we are- even though we don't see each other the memories are still active was the gist of the post.
It is good. Today my gratitudes were for people in my life- past and present.
We are also having a morning of freezing rain to be followed by snow tonight and tomorrow. We have a snow day and son#1 just woke up and wants to drive 10 miles to his friend's house. It's going to be one of those days.
I texted S#3 last night. Just asking how she is and if she wants to get together. She said she needs the beach time…we all do. I hope she's OK.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
I cannot remember Aunt T's Christmas card…
you've mentioned it before…
what year was that?
I wonder if I was at college and didn't have a chance (or take the opportunity) to look at it.
Yesterday was a day to reinforce connections.
I was reminded repeatedly of old friends and their importance. In addition to the woman at meeting, I went to the grocery store and, in the back corner by the milk, ran into two old friends. One I used to spend a lot of time with when our girls went to parochial school together. The other woman I met when I was in the hospital having baby #3. She had her fourth the day before and we talked as we walked around the halls. A few years later our sons started playing sports and they were almost always on a team together. We spent so many afternoons together at those games. And then last night a friend mentioned me on social media in a way that reminded us how connected we are- even though we don't see each other the memories are still active was the gist of the post.
It is good. Today my gratitudes were for people in my life- past and present.
We are also having a morning of freezing rain to be followed by snow tonight and tomorrow. We have a snow day and son#1 just woke up and wants to drive 10 miles to his friend's house. It's going to be one of those days.
I texted S#3 last night. Just asking how she is and if she wants to get together. She said she needs the beach time…we all do. I hope she's OK.
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie
Sunday, February 8, 2015
'tis a gift
Hi Maggie!
So nice to see you again..I missed you here!
That thought about being able to say goodbye...it is important. It is a gift. I remember when Grammy died. She just died and was gone. I found out because you called me. I remember being shocked, going numb. I had just talked to her that afternoon . She couldn't be gone...right?
Then I remember the heartfelt Christmas card we got from Aunt. T, who was dying of cancer. She knew it was her last chance to reach out to the family. Her card was so touching, her words were so powerful. She got to spend time with her siblings, with that ultra-awareness that this would be the last time. It is such a gift when you know you need to memorize each moment, the sound of their voice, their laughter...it makes us tender and alive to face death together. It is a gift.
I would recommend Al-Anon. A person I listened to yesterday was facing a similar situation with her son to what you face. Her story mirrored yours. That was part of discussing loving detachment.
So, it is sleeting. We are supposed to get a lot of snow topped by and sandwiched with ice. Another lovely winter day! I am longing for spring. Seed catalogs are my retreat. I am garden dreaming...
I had a family day. It was nice. I interacted with kids and felt needed, wanted, connected. It was nice...
Sometimes we get too bus and we forget to connect.
I love you...I am glad we are connected!
Clare
So nice to see you again..I missed you here!
That thought about being able to say goodbye...it is important. It is a gift. I remember when Grammy died. She just died and was gone. I found out because you called me. I remember being shocked, going numb. I had just talked to her that afternoon . She couldn't be gone...right?
Then I remember the heartfelt Christmas card we got from Aunt. T, who was dying of cancer. She knew it was her last chance to reach out to the family. Her card was so touching, her words were so powerful. She got to spend time with her siblings, with that ultra-awareness that this would be the last time. It is such a gift when you know you need to memorize each moment, the sound of their voice, their laughter...it makes us tender and alive to face death together. It is a gift.
I would recommend Al-Anon. A person I listened to yesterday was facing a similar situation with her son to what you face. Her story mirrored yours. That was part of discussing loving detachment.
So, it is sleeting. We are supposed to get a lot of snow topped by and sandwiched with ice. Another lovely winter day! I am longing for spring. Seed catalogs are my retreat. I am garden dreaming...
I had a family day. It was nice. I interacted with kids and felt needed, wanted, connected. It was nice...
Sometimes we get too bus and we forget to connect.
I love you...I am glad we are connected!
Clare
back again
Clare,
I'm back….
sorry, it's been a hectic week and weekend…
good stuff, but no time for me.
I toy with the idea of Al-ANON…
wondering if it will help me to navigate my way through this time with my sons.
A friend of husband's attends meetings nearby…
he's invited us to come…
one of these days.
I had a great visit with a friend today.
She's living with a progressive lung disease that keeps her tethered to oxygen at all times. we were talking about finding the blessings and lessons in all that life delivers. I hadn't seen her in months, maybe even a year. It was good to see her, looking better than the last time. Each time we were together previously she looked more and more ill. She has been turned down for a lung transplant because of some esophageal complications. One thing she said stopped me for a moment. She told me that she is thankful for this time to say goodbye. She is thankful to be aware of the need to say goodbye and the awareness of how important people are to her. It was so good to hear after a week of talking about social injustice and violence. There is good in people.
We had our Ukranian friend visit this weekend again. She tells me that the current fighting is about 60 miles from her family's home. Her father asked her to not watch TV coverage, he wants her to focus on school. I wonder how threatened they really are feeling. Hold them in the Light please.
That's all for now,
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
I'm back….
sorry, it's been a hectic week and weekend…
good stuff, but no time for me.
I toy with the idea of Al-ANON…
wondering if it will help me to navigate my way through this time with my sons.
A friend of husband's attends meetings nearby…
he's invited us to come…
one of these days.
I had a great visit with a friend today.
She's living with a progressive lung disease that keeps her tethered to oxygen at all times. we were talking about finding the blessings and lessons in all that life delivers. I hadn't seen her in months, maybe even a year. It was good to see her, looking better than the last time. Each time we were together previously she looked more and more ill. She has been turned down for a lung transplant because of some esophageal complications. One thing she said stopped me for a moment. She told me that she is thankful for this time to say goodbye. She is thankful to be aware of the need to say goodbye and the awareness of how important people are to her. It was so good to hear after a week of talking about social injustice and violence. There is good in people.
We had our Ukranian friend visit this weekend again. She tells me that the current fighting is about 60 miles from her family's home. Her father asked her to not watch TV coverage, he wants her to focus on school. I wonder how threatened they really are feeling. Hold them in the Light please.
That's all for now,
Love and Light my beautiful sister,
Maggie
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