You deserve

I know the pattern well.  I have always been able to do anything with a smile.  And I was praised by everyone:  You're such a strong woman.  My stories are similar - being left home alone, sick, with a newborn and 3 older kids.  Taking care of everything.  One time the washer broke down and I washed some clothes in the bathtub.  I heard him tell a friend,  "If I'd have known she would do that, I never would have bought a washing machine."

I see your patterns and I fear with you. My marriage ended when I realized I did not have a partner. I was in my marriage alone. There was never anyone there for me.  I am getting angry for you.

Your husband may be in pain, but he does not have a life threatening illness. He's really not going to lift anything more than a coffee cup for the next 3 months?

Maybe this is part of the lesson that cancer will teach you, and your men.  This pattern has to change. You have to be as important as they are.

This is my struggle, also, so maybe I should stay out of it!  We're touching one of my nerves.

I recently talked to my daughter about my feelings of being invisible.  I don't feel that anyone knows I am here, I am tired, I work long hours.  I am the invisible fairy that picks up dishes and magically produces clean laundry and warm meals.  She acknowledged that I had spoken, but she didn't hear me.

Sounds like you do the same in your home.  It's probably a female role in our family...

I say raise hell.  Your husband had surgery on his arm...boohoo. If he's too weak to help you, he's too weak to go out with the guys.  Your son is going to be bored - how weak.  Toughen up boys. What Mama is about to face is life changing. It overpowers anything they are doing. But if they can silence you and diminish the importance...damn, come here to recover. Let them take care of themselves and see if they like life without you...

I think if you are not angry, the tumors will have to grow to get your attention.  How much more are you willing to lose?

Sorry, we seem to have tapped my inner bitch.

I have been having a hard time finding time alone to blog.  This weekend will be hard.  I am going to a day-long herb workshop - yes, something for me. I am taking the baby. Oh well.  Then S#3 will be here overnight with 3 of her grandchildren.  She is bringing her son's possessions.  He is going to be working here, and living with me for awhile.  Then Sunday is a family barbecue at my oldest's.  It is my girl day - both girl's birthdays are Monday, with one daughter-in-law a few days later and a probable daughter-in-law a few days before.  I'm not sure when I will have a quiet, private moment with my laptop.

So what did the negative client trigger in you?  What from her experience and reaction is yours also. I definitely recognized sliminess.  She may be a teacher, appropriate for this  moment.

Do you need someone to look you in the eyes and tell you you are valuable?  You deserve respectful care and loving attention during this time.

Because, my dear sister, I value you.  You are important.  You deserve loving attention as you face surgery. 

I love you.  You are in my heart every day, even when I struggle to make it here.

Hugs from Clare

Anger surfaces

Clare,

I am having a very angry day. Husband was off again today. Everyone just started the day slowly…
but I was doing laundry…
loading the dishwasher…
getting ready for work.
I found myself muttering under my breath, "I am really angry" this morning.
I said the same thing last night.

I'm not sure what I am angry about…
or to be more specific there are many things that have me angry…
My boys and husband not helping around the house…
despite knowing I am working to get things done on a deadline they just want to have fun…
husband tells me he is unable to lift anything heavier than a coffee cup for 12 weeks!
Are you F***ing kidding me?
So I am supposed to step up and take care of him again.
Son#1 wants to hang with his friends because they leave for the beach tomorrow and he'll be bored all next week…and Son#2 just slept on the couch even though he was asked to mow the lawn.
Tonight all 3 of them are off playing baseball and hanging with friends.
I am ready to find a spa- hospital where I can have surgery and recover without this hassle.
I think that there has been such a long time between diagnosis and the surgery that they all forget that I am in need of assistance and support.

I also saw one of the saddest, most devastated women of my life today. Her energy made me start to have a true sense of her many traumas. I could feel the sliminess of her perpetrators. In the end I told her that she was not a bad person…she had people do bad things to her and she has made bad choices…but she is not inherently bad. I want to cry for her. Her negative energy has made me more angry…I need to cut that energy cord now.

I am going to try to distract myself…
Love and Light,
Maggie

Changing a pattern

Clare,
I think I do remember "Taste ya?"
It made me smile to read it.
I guess we did share some things when we were younger.

So husband has taken this whole week off to recover from what was supposed to be a "back to work the next day". I am glad he is taking some time for recovery and relaxation. He hadn't taken a week day off all year. I do worry that he'll feel behind when it's my turn and have to work despite my being at home recovering…
he's done that before…
He went to work the day after my knee arthroscopy with me home with 4 kids aged 17 months - 8 years…
He went to the hospital for one more study (he was on call) when I was in labor with #4…
sent me home from church with 2 of the 3 to wait for S#3 to arrive at home with every 5 minute contractions. I drove myself and the kids to and from church.
He has a history of expecting me to handle anything that comes my way…
and I've been conditioned to smile and make it work out…
why did I ever take all of that on?

I believe this time will be different. we have changed that pattern. This time he has been at my side at each appointment. I think he has learned the lesson of expecting independence from me…marital separation and the ending of a relationship.

I have been working in the yard and around the house. I love this time of year. I am redefining garden spaces and laying mulch down. I am putting in some new plants, not too many though. I love a crowded "cottage garden" look. I let plants extend outward and intermingle. I have columbine coming up in the center of irises…it is such a beautiful sight. It makes me happy.

Oh well, one more day this week. I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie

Surrender...and laugh?

I am so sorry about the problems at your house.  I knew your husband had torn his bicep, but I didn't realize he had surgery to repair it. Maybe it will make him more tender with you when you are recovering, because this all will be so fresh in his mind, in his experience.  Maybe you are both being tenderized, preparing you for something loving you have to do for the planet...maybe?

If there's anything I can do from afar, please let me know.

Will your husband have to take time off to recuperate? Maybe that will leave more time for you to heal together, leave more time for him to doctor you.

Somehow, I think the universe is always giving us the same message - surrender, be loving.

I had a flash of childhood memory today.  We had a gazillion errands to run, and stopped for a slice of pizza to prevent baby breakdown and nursing mama breakdown. My daughter and her best friend each got an Italian soda - one was blood orange, the other was lemon.  They exchanged tastes, just to see which they preferred.  And I suddenly remembered,  "Taste ya?" 

When we all had popsicles or suckers that were different colors we would ask each sib,  "Taste ya?"  and exchange tastes.  Do you remember?

I had forgotten...


I am in garden frenzy.  Luckily,  garden frenzy makes me happy!

I am exhausted, and must go to bed...I hope you and your beloved make it through the night in good form.

Love to you both.....Clare

more challenges

I don't think times are good or bad…
I think how we perceive them determines that…
it is our attitude…
of course if someone dies we consider that bad…
until we conceive of their soul set free.

The green wood does have to age and mature…
it has to be prepared for the flame…
but all of that journey is about bringing it to those coals that smolder.

I am sorry that things were hectic at your house. I hope that my niece is doing better and that the GI bug has moved on.

Over the weekend husband was warming up the baseball team, hitting pop flies to the outfielders and he felt a "pop". His biceps tendon tore. He didn't say anything about it until after we got home and then he met a friend, an orthopedic surgeon, who felt it could wait until Monday. The MRI showed a full tear yesterday and today he had surgery. He is in a lot more pain than anticipated. He is quite groggy and is very restless. I've been up since 5 am, taking care of him since we got home at 11, and am about to drop. I am not sure what the universe is trying to tell me/us…but someone's sending a message and I need to figure it out. Maybe I'll ask my reiki friend.

I am going to try to just chill and help him to get comfortable. It's about time for the ice packs again.
Love and Light,
Maggie

AWOL

Hi Maggie,

Sorry to have been AWOL.  I just checked and the last time I wrote was Thursday.  I guess we have been  busy, because time has just slipped by. I would have sworn I only missed a day or two.

I talked to S#3 and she told me you had a date for surgery. That hit me hard.  Having a date made everything take another step into reality.

I hope you are resting.  I know school is over, for you and for the boys.  How much other time do you need to be out of the house, doing things?  Do you have enough down time?

This weekend was a birthday party, followed by an attack of a GI bug, followed by my daughter's first plugged duct - almost mastitis.  And I got a lot more of the garden in.

I have read and reread the quote by Ajahn Chah, asking about the learning acquired during bad times versus good.  I suddenly wondered if we allow ourselves good times.  I wondered what we would learn if we did allow ourselves good times.  In families like ours, we mostly learn from bad times, because that is where we linger, that is what we understand.

Also thinking about the green wood. That is the wood that is not ready to burn.  It burns too hot and leaves a chimney full of creosote.  It needs to age, to ripen - maybe, to mature.  It is better to wait for the older wood, the drier wood, the wood that has had some time.  Then we get a steady light that doesn't burn out so fast. Maybe there's nothing wrong with waiting foe wisdom.

Being transparent, giving people a place to talk about cancer and other scary things is a gift.  It teaches the rest of us to be gracious.  It makes cancer less scary, gives it a face.

I am feeling a strong urge to plant and preserve food this year.  I must go out and plant green beans. Then I will go and buy some tomato plants, and broccoli and Brussels sprouts, and maybe even cabbage.  But right now, I am just tired.

I will check back soon and be back tomorrow.

Let me know all the latest, please.

Love from Clare

        

If you are going to be a Light…you have to burn

Clare,

I picked ups book last evening, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times, by Jack Kornfield…
it was on my desk…
I had started it before, but put it aside because something more pressing distracted me…
but, serendipitously, I found it again.

A few of the quotes:

To survive our difficulties is to become initiated into the fraternities of wisdom. 

Which has had more value in your life, where have you grown more and learned more, where have you become more wise, where have you learned patience, understanding, equanimity, and forgiveness- in your hard times or the goods ones?   (Ajahn Chah)

As you face loss, frustration, hurt, and conflict, invite a sense of your own dignity. Sit up, stand up tall. Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.

It is amazing…
once I surrendered to the lessons of this experience I find a book to help guide me through.

I also recently saw a quote: If you're going to be a Light, You've got to burn. When I read Dark Night of the Soul St. John talked about being green wood, and having to burn out all of the extraneous stuff until only the essence of the true you is left behind- coals that burn hot and smolder, able to ignite others…I love that image.
Life is good.

Love and Light,
Maggie