my weekend

Hi Maggie,

Sorry I have been AWOL all weekend.  On Friday afternoon my daughter-in-law called.  My granddaughter had a slumber party, and my grandson was feeling really left out. So he asked if he could have a sleepover with me.  The only hitch was that I had to work on Saturday morning.  But, with the tablet, he was perfectly content.  My youngest had already arranged for hers to spend Saturday night, so she could go to a funeral.  The other two wanted to come, and so I had three last night. Now my house looks like a tornado blew through, but I said the heck with it, and went for a walk.

I had one of those aha moments with them.  I had an idea that we should make a paper mache Chinese dragon mask.  But they were just sort of tolerating me, not really being into it. And I was starting to get a little  tight - stopping the flow!!-  and annoyed. Instead they wanted to blow up all the balloons, rub them on my grandson's recently shorn head and stick them to the ceiling.  I had to sort of smack myself, emotionally, and remind myself that things don't have to go the way I planned.  And even when they're not my way, things are still perfect - as they should be...So I relaxed and was just with them.

Today felt like spring. I walked a 5K, thinking I might be ready to do a race in June. S#3 and I planned to do it together last year.  But she planned a week in Florida with her daughter and granddkids on the same date, and then I just sort of didn't go through with it on my own.

Maybe this year. It would be kind of cool to be able to say I ran my first race when I was 60.

Your comment about your Reiki healer, and removing negative karma led me to play with the idea that karma blocks our flow. We have to rectify, remove, balance...something...to be able to flow, to be healthy.

And your comments about being the dumper sent me back. I'm like you. I always dumped people when I felt they were getting too close, maybe. I'm not sure why I did it.  I know it tied directly to - I'm not worthy. I cloaked it in whatever helped me escape from connection.  One time,though, I did get dumped.  It was shockingly painful.  But I learned how to be kind.  I learned how easy it is to really hurt someone.

It still amazes me that my college sweetheart was able to forgive me.  I really hurt him.  But he came back, reminding me that I am okay, and he does want connection.  He has been one of my best teachers.  And one of my best friends.

I was talking to someone recently who was tiptoeing around the idea of going into counseling, finding the best counseling for them.  I was barraged with thoughts...I think counseling sessions and techniques need to be different for men than for women.  I think that no matter which type of counseling happens - things get worst before they get better.  I think it's possible to realize you hate the people you love...

That set me off  thinking about the advice - Love the sinner, hate the sin.  Intellectually, that seems so easy.  But personally, I starting thinking about loving Dad and hating what he did to us.  Seemed a little simplistic and stupid, but I stayed with it.  So I thought about loving Pop, but hating what he did to us and to Dad.  Then the dam sort of broke, and I could feel love flowing back into our family line, recoloring our family dysfunction.

Somehow, who we are, the spirit, the golden self seemed separate from the heavy cloak we pull on. It's all lessons - not who we are. And we are all in pain.

Now, I wonder if I will be able to do the same for myself? Will I be able to see beyond the cloak I have pulled on and see my own Light, recognize that sacred that is me?

It's always so much easier to see other's Lights.

Started watching a film, Hector and the Search for Happiness, this afternoon. My evening plans - finish it.

Love and hugs from Clare