gifts of love

Hi Maggie -

It is cold and it is blustery here too.  But we are too far north-west of the upcoming storm.  The original prediction said we might get about 4 inches of snow.  The current forecast shows us being completely missed. 

Too weird.

You know, when I am kind to others, I don't hear their inner voices.  I just get that flush of warmth and connection no matter what the recipient is feeling.  When I am kind to myself, it starts a major inner argument with all my selves.  I get Dad's voice and Mom's and mine, and my sib's and then some of Pop - it's a real circus in my head some days.  And the cutting remarks rain on me - and when vulnerable enough to actually want to do something for myself, I am soft and those shards of disgust really inflict damage. Sometimes the logic-voice saves me the trouble and reasonably points out why we can't afford it anyway...so, why bother.

So maybe I'll just start asking all those selves - What if this is the best I can do?  Maybe I can soften myself and accept myself...

I hear your advice with my head, not my heart...gotta open way to my heart, gotta figure out how to integrate.

Part of it may be allowing someone else to love me. If you can love me, maybe I am loveable, and I can find it in myself to see myself as worthy. Maybe this is part of the gift we give each other.

It strikes me that by allowing you to care about me, to be part of my life, to love me while I don't love myself is kind of an insult to you.  This may be twisted, but who cares if it is a twisted path if it takes us home to our heart. I have to respect you by accepting myself...

Not sure if I believe that yet. I will have to sit with it...

If you were too hasty, my sister, then know you just made a leap of faith and something will be waiting!!

I've been working on my book. I have been telling everyone, as a way of making myself accountable. I know I can do it, and do it well. I just coward out because I don't want anyone to look at me.  I guess in a way, this book is not only a gift of love to my children, it is also a gift of love to myself...

Oh  no...

Enjoy yoga!  Love and hugs from Clare