too many letters

Clare,

I had an interview with the President of the Board of that non-profit I wrote about. He was young, had a very kind face, and was intelligent and connected. I liked him. I told him that I want to do this work, and am willing to slide into it as a project manager, part-time and build from there. He was very receptive and supportive. There is an executive board meeting on Thursday so I will hear on Friday what their plans for me are.

Today was the first day of the semester. It amazes me how excited I get for the first day. I still get butterflies. My Monday begins with a 3 hour physiology lab from 8 - 11am. It cannot start any worse… but the students were great. I also had an old edition of the lab manual, which had a different exercise, so I just had to "go with the flow". I had the BiSci class following lab. That was fun. I feel as if they all just look at me like I'm crazy…no final, open book exams…optional projects. What they don't understand is that by not being extremely demanding, most of them actually show up and learn for the sake of learning.

I do think the swamp is a good place…
at least for me.
Walking through something deliberately…
with the physical sense of the dark, murkiness and yet fertile space is incredibly helpful for me.

I was watching my trauma lecture today, it was about diagnosing Complex Trauma. It is frustrating how people who were traumatized regularly as children end up with multiple diagnoses…and yet main line psychiatry isn't saying WTF??? isn't there one entity to describe this collection of symptoms…particularly when the diagnoses and behaviors are about poor emotional control, self-loathing, self-destruction, and crappy attachments (poor relationships). Still, to be reimbursed you've got to list all diagnoses. This group is really lobbying to get this recognized. I can recognize it. I see it in my kids with ADHD- who could sit still when you're constantly on guard for the next hurt or rejection? Or the ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) who wouldn't test everyone around them when their caregivers weren't trustworthy? Or IED (intermittent explosive disorder) those that overreact to the slightest stimulation because they've been hurt too many times before.
There was an interesting thing that happened during the lecture. The lecturer was setting up a video and a woman got up and moved to the other side of the table. The lecturer stopped and noticed. He said, "I can tell you that you were not an abused child. Abused children would stay in the same place, knowing they weren't meant for something good, and have their rejections and unworthiness reinforced."
It is so true. How many times I sat still with a "less than" experience because I didn't want to bother anyone.
He showed a video of an experiment where a mom and her toddler are playing and then mom is signaled to freeze- no words, no facial changes, nothing. Quickly the toddler tries to engage, and then push mom to acknowledge, and finally to collapse into their body in frustration…all with a few minutes. The lecturer talked about responsiveness…all I could think about was sitting on those steps screaming till my throat hurt and no one even looking…at least that I knew.
Availability and responsiveness…those are the key components to attachment and trust…
and ultimately relationship.
We went back to the swamp to find some of that…
but mostly to cleanse it and leave it in the dark waters

I was going to share some of the book Ishmael at Meeting this sunday. Did that book have popularity with quakers in the 90's when it was published? Will most of them already be familiar with it? I'm not sure it's as novel as I found it to be.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie

I found this article today…you might find it interesting
https://www.thefix.com/gabor-maté-addiction-holocaust-disease-trauma-recovery