keep going

Hi Maggie,

 When you wrote that my ex and I still have a relationship. my inner child said - "Uh-uh, no we don't."  But some trace of adult somewhere in my felt calm acceptance with your observation.

I love the poem.  I read it several times, and every time it was powerful.  Every single time.

And I am glad that you are walking into fostering with such awareness.  I tend to just do things. Then I sort of sort it out as I go.  Sometimes it works - usually it works. Sometimes there is a lesson I did not expect.

Just reread the poem...still powerful...thank you for sharing.

Brene continues to blow me away. 

"When you look away from a homeless person, you diminish their humanity, and your own." She started an analysis of need with these words from her pastor.

That hit my heart.  When we were at the Sciencenter this weekend, there was an autistic boy standing near a water table not screaming, but maybe keening.  We stayed calm and worked around him.  I didn't really look at him. So, what I taught my grandchildren was to ignore someone different, someone who might be in pain. I know this isn't exactly the same as not seeing homeless or dirty or hungry or drugged out or mentally ill, but it did trigger me.  I know there was nothing I could do, especially because I am a stranger. But, again, it triggered me.  We diminished his humanity by not "seeing"him.

It was fresh - that uncertainty...so the pastor's words made way into me.

And almost at the end of her rumble with need she said,

"I realized that the real reason I look away is not my fear of helping others, but my fear of needing help."

As I read those words, an amazing tension came from my heart, and crept up my body, freezing my jaw.  I wanted to wail, but Nephew was home and I did not want to talk about what was wrong. And so I found myself sobbing breathlessly without tears.  I couldn't breathe.

I don't think I have ever had such a strong physical reaction to an emotional wallop as this.

This seems to be the core of my I am not enough...I am not worth helping...my needs can wait, forever.  I hate asking anyone for help. I am so frightened, so humiliated. I beat myself to a pulp inside.

Now, faced with this truth...what do I do????  What do I do???

Read more Brene, I suppose.

Love and hugs from Clare