on a roll

Clare,

I, too had a frequent "run away" child, my youngest. He would gather things, head down the driveway and quickly double-back and hang out in a shed he and B#4 built on the other side of our property. As he got older he still occasionally runs…to Hawk Mountain…several miles from our home. It gives him a physical release of whatever pain he is feeling and then solitude in the vast beauty of those cliffs. He calls me after an hour or so and asks for a pick up. The first time I was terrified. Then next time frightened, but had an inkling that he went that direction. Since then I tell him to call when he's ready as he is storming out the door. He knows I see him. I know he needs space.

As I learn about trauma and the signs in children, adolescents, and adults I wonder what happened to my kids. I know they weren't abused by either parent…
I was hyper vigilant and didn't trust husband to care for them alone.
Perhaps I was too neurotic?
I wonder because two had early, significant difficulties…
#2 and #4…
with emotional dysregulation and socializing.
I wonder if my genetic alterations due to my own abuse translated to these behaviors?
I feel as if I connected with all of my kids, spent time with them, loved them…
and yet we suffered.
SID…sensory integrative dysfunction…
my kids couldn't maintain balance of their nervous system unless we consciously did activities that would stimulate the deeper sensations- vibratory, proprioceptive, deep pressure…
my kids are highly sensitive people…
allergies…
food, environmental factors…
overwhelmingly intuitive of people's feelings towards them…
sensory overload.
Is this personal…
something I did or passed on?
Or, is it a shift towards a more highly attuned population?
I found books on Indigo Children when I was raising mine…
it helped me to understand them…
big picture understanding.
They were a lifesaver for me.
It validated what I was seeing and sensing from my kids that was unfamiliar to me from all of my training and experiences.

You ask about specific traumas and behaviors being linked…
the big link is that the disruptions in attachments to our parents…
neglect, abuse (physical, sexual and/or emotional)…
disrupted attachments translate into self-loathing and lack of self-worth…
these translate into self-destructive behaviors.
Substance abuse- drugs, alcohol, food, sex, gambling, cutting, excessive piercing/tattooing-
is all about self-hatred.
The diseases associated with childhood adversity stem from complications of the above behaviors or are due to a dysfunctional stress hormonal/nervous system because of overstimulation and underdevelopment due to chronic lack of safety and attachment to caregivers.

The answer to all of this is a generation away…
it begins with supporting parents from the very beginning to teach and model positive, effective parenting skills. The lecturer today said he can see the steps to abuse from a parent's perspective. You have a parent, who brings a myriad of poor attachments to their own children, many of whom have children to make things right…do better than their own parents did. They lack the ability to attach to their infants because those areas of their brain are "off-line". As the child grows they stop expecting mom to look into their eyes and coo and talk babble with them. They start to pull away or fuss when mom tries to interact and comfort them…they are not bonded…they are out of synch. Pretty soon every time mom reaches for the child it pulls away or cries- reminding mom what a fuck up she is…first as a child and now as a parent. She isn't connected to that child…even though her intentions were good at the beginning. Now there is a screaming toddler and no connection- discipline gets harsher and harsher… or she starts to leave the child with others instead of protecting them. She cannot read their signs of distress to new traumas because she always sees distress from the child. Does that make sense?
It makes sense to me…
and it's all too common.
If we could intervene with parenting classes…
parenting support…
respite for moms and dads…
we offer respite for hospice caregivers when the expected duration of suffering and hard work is 6 months…
why not offer respite for parents…
facing years of challenges.

I'm on a roll tonight.

Thank you so very much for the mittens and the book. I started the book about B today…it is really engaging. I appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie