cloaked

Clare,

There's a lot to digest from your weekend.

I have to say that my experience of counseling both men and women shows some difference. It hinges on the type of relationship built. With women it's more a friend, sometimes maternal, relationship. They open up so much easier than men. That doesn't mean they don't struggle with the intimacy and vulnerability, it's just more natural for women. Conversely, there are some women who have been very hurt by their mothers and they struggle with connection to other women. The men are a different story.

Just as a preface, when I began counseling I asked to not be assigned "angry men". By experience I know that I shut down when a man is yelling or posturing in a threatening way. I ended up with many men on my case load, but 2 in particular are ex-convicts. And what I learned from them was amazing.

Men don't know how to open up to a counselor, particularly a female counselor. They try various ways of relating- maternal, romantic, intimate. Not that any of them ever crossed boundaries, but the process almost always flowed through that sequence. First they talk like you're their mom…telling details, but no emotional content. Then they confuse your willingness to listen with their romantic partners- "my wife won't listen to me like this". After they realize this is not a budding relationship they opened to a deeper level of communication, sharing their intentions, motivations, emotional responses.

I think the image of cloaking is powerful, the experiences (traumas) are a mantle that we wear- very heavy in some cases. I think we use those stories as a cover so we don't have to show our true self to others. They allow an isolation…
a valid isolation in their mind.
I remember when I first began to desire a deeper intimacy with the divine…I meditated on how to allow the Divine into my very core. During one meditation I visualized getting into a bath of the Divine…
first I got naked…
then I sank into the space…
I let it totally surround me…
penetrate my cells…
what a wonderful experience that was.

The protection that surrounds our hearts…
put into place by difficult experiences is meant to be a challenge of growth.
It's not meant to be permanent…
it is mean to be circumcised through deep, inner work.

I remember the first reiki session I had…
my heart chakra was protected and separated by many doors…
all slammed and locked shut. Guarded by none other than Dad's spirit.
The last time my heart chakra was described it was a light filled space with stained glass at one allowing light to stream in…
much better for my life.
I am still amazed at how connected I am to that soul, despite the difficult and confusing feelings wrapped up in that relationship.

I had my two boys and my two young men yesterday. I had a lot of work to do to prepare for this week's classes, so I didn't spend much time interacting, but the boys were all interacting. My older boy was in an unusually light mood- very entertaining for the other 3. It was good to see those bonds forming.
The two young men and I ran into the couple who had previously rejected them (dad's girlfriend's parents). It was confusing for them. The couple accused them of stealing from them and broke off all communications. They haven't seen them in months. When we turned up an aisle and there was the 'grandmother'. She approached them freely, hugged them, and told them how much she loved them. Then she turned and walked away…
no asking how they were doing…
no asking who they were with…
just a quick whammy of "i love you"…
with no actions to back it up.
The young men and I talked about it after we left the store. The older said he felt really homesick for a moment, but it passed. The younger said he wanted to ask them why? why did you lie about us?
It was actually a really good discussion. I am afraid they are going to be confused by the idea of what love really means. I haven't said those words yet because, despite feeling it, I don't want to confuse them. I want them to relate the words with consistency and positive feelings- not confusion.

Anyway,
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie