unsettled

Dear Maggie,

Take a deep breath and trust that everything is unfolding as it should.  You all have a part to play and your son is simply doing his.  You are not abandoning the two young men.  Perhaps they are not supposed to live with you full time until next fall.  You don't know the big picture. You and your foster son were brought together, and recognized each other.  Now you need to stand still in love and faith, ready to do the loving thing when the time is right.

If you move your son out in order to move foster sons in, then there is something more going on here...

I never understood why your son left S#5's home.  It all sort of changed and I never knew it happened.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Perhaps that shows you are coming to a place of peace.

I don't identify as whore, cunt, bitch.  I don't call anyone these names. But as I became aware of the way we use words to dehumanize, to make people other than human, I realized it had been done to me without my knowledge.  Or maybe, without my conscious knowledge.  I was suddenly aware of the effects of being told I was bad when in elementary school just because I was a girl. I was second class to the boys...any girl was second class to any boy.

There was something inherently bad inside of me. I made boys behave badly. And it was because I was so bad...And so I had to be good and pure and quiet...don't show off, don't be attractive, don't be feminine.  Be good, Be good...damn you, be good!!!

I remembered walking on a street, I think I may have been near Fraternity Row at the university I attended, and a guy walked by and called me "Cunt." I had never seen this man before, and wasn't doing anything but walking down the street.  I hadn't even noticed him until he slapped me with that word.  And I felt like I had been slapped. I felt ashamed.  But I didn't do anything.

I was wearing it.

I have been called a bitch - not often, but it has happened.

And I don't think I have ever been called a whore. I don't really understand the word anyway. I have friends who have had many lovers and friends with one, or even none, or few.  Everyone is exploring sexuality in their own way. None is wrong or bad unless they are hurting someone else.

It comes to me sometimes as I watch the double standard. Girls are pure until a man touches her.  Therefore it is men that are the source of filth, not women.

Not settled, but tired...

Love and hugs from Clare