layers and layers

Hi Mags,

Not exactly a restful day.  My little companion was whiny and clingy. Either she is about to grow or to make a big developmental leap, or she's beginning to get sick.   I mostly held her and soothed her all afternoon.  I didn't finish my reports for work until after she went home. Then I sat at my desk, writing, with my notes and a bowl of soup.

I noticed the same groundhog phenomenon.  And I also found a statistic - the groundhog is right 50% of the time.

We are poorly attached to our parents. You got me thinking about that.  I think two of mine are poorly attached to me. We are friendly, calm, relaxed, but it seems kind of like my ex and his parents...obligatory. It was okay when we were there, but we didn't choose to go. 

But what is different is that mine are pretty firmly attached to each other.  Well three of them have a strong bond, and feel connected to the fourth. My youngest often feels outside of their loop - but she is firmly bonded to me.  So everyone has a safe place within the family.

But I do get it. I always wanted to hide.  I still want to hide. Life is safer when I hide.

I always go back to - what a waste. We are all so intelligent and multi-talented. But mostly we spent our lives just try to survive - no space anywhere to develop our passions.

Sometimes I wonder if my relationship with my kids would be stronger if I had a stronger bond with Mom.  I reach out, or she does, but I do not maintain.  Is this a form of karma?

Mom and I were close for a long time - firmly bonded. I think that was because I got kicked up to adult status whenever Dad was gone.  We used to talk a lot. I think that all fell apart after you wrote the infamous letter about eleven (?) years ago. Mom asked us to write and tell her about our pain, and so I did.  Dad stopped talking to me for about five years, and she honored his pain, rather than mine.

In Al-Anon I learned about emotional incest...when adults treat their children like peers and confidants.  Mom did that to me. I was doing it to my oldest, when Al-Anon stopped me.  It is flattering, but the dynamic is wrong.

There are always more layers to unwrap...

Until tomorrow...

Love and hugs from Clare