so cold

Hello Maggie,


It is sooo cold here.  I got my workout moving firewood.  I waited until the sun was high and the temp was at it's projected peak of 6 degrees Fahrenheit...It is sooooo cold...But today there is no wind, so it was bearable. Yesterday, it was so windy, we just hunkered down in the house and kept feeding the woodstove. And last night was a three dog night, as well as one cat and a toddler.  Not the most restful possible!

I understand wanting things now and pushing for them...not that I do it.  I'm still trying to understand and overcome my training to just wait.  But if you have a leading, you have to follow it.

How was meeting? What was your young friend's opinion?  I always feel nervous when taking someone for the first time, and I think I have a tendency to over-prepare them for the silence.  I don't trust the silence to speak for itself, I guess..

I didn't think we were doing sister's weekend this year.  I need two month's advance notice to change my schedule at work. By mid-January I assumed either it wasn't happening this year, or that I would not be able to go.  This is another of those "trust" situations. It will happen again when the timing is right. In the mean-time, I am getting to communicate regularly with you, S#3 and S#5. I'm feeling a little less alone as I float through life. Wait and see what this new job looks like - how much time will you be away.  Maybe this is why it's not time for the foster sons to enter your home and your life full time. Maybe this job thing has to get stable in your life and in your family pattern first.

When my granddaughter takes naps, she sleeps best in my arms.  So, often I read a book or watch old TV episodes while she sleeps.  Lately I have been watching an old program called Everybody Loves Raymond.  It is supposed to be a comedy, but I think it is more of a psychological dissection. I watch it with morbid fascination.  The father of the Raymond character reminds me so much of Dad. The mean remarks, the painful humor, the selfishness...even the faces he makes as he's being mean to everyone.  I think it's supposed to be funny, but it is so painful, I don't see the humor.

His wife, the mother/mother-in-law character, survives by living in her own world, with her own rules, which she inflicts on everyone else.  She reminds me of my late mother-in-law.  All that matters is the way things look. And she manipulates everyone to get what she wants. She has to dominate every scenario - it is all about her, everything revolves around her.  I'm not sure if she is oblivious or unwilling to change.  But it is classic child of alcoholics behavior.

But watching this has led me to think about narcissism.  Is narcissism about self-involvement to the point of excluding everything in the world? Or is it about not being heard by anyone else?  About not being in control of anything?  Of desperately trying to be seen?

I was talking to nephew about how much I dislike the characters on the show, and he asked why I continue to watch it.  So I'm trying to figure that out.  I think it's kind of like seeing aspects of our dysfunction from a distance. I'm not emotionally involved or even engaged really, so I can just think about the patterns.

I am going to go sit in the south window with my seed catalogs and dream of spring!!

Love and hugs from Clare