grateful

Clare,

You are BEAUTIFUL!
That is the definition of beauty.

Superficial beauty is so cliche…
and nebulous…
and fleeting…
one moment you glimpse it, the next it may be gone.
True beauty is in character.

I look at my body now.
Lumps where breasts should be…
scars instead of nipples…
no sagging, no stretch marks…
no movement…
they just stay put...
nice…
never have to wear a bra...
but not natural.
There's nothing beautiful about them superficially.
Their beauty is deep…
they are the evidence of our fight against cancer, of courage, of pain, of growth…
they are a reminder of how fleeting life is…
how precious life is…
how insignificant mammary glands really are in the big scheme of life.
But, I don't think I'll ever be comfortable naked with another human again.
I don't know if I can get that comfortable with the changes.

Boundaries are so difficult, especially in households that are so dysfunctional.
One thing that kids need are boundaries and limits…
they bitch and moan and rebel about them, but that's what they really want.
I remember talking with a therapist/friend when my kids were little…
some of my friends/relatives were very permissive with their kids…
I wondered if I was being too neurotic or if I was on track…
she told me that kids need structure and boundaries…
"they have enough friends, they need a parent"…
good advice.

I am really worried that I have dementia.
I showed up 30 minutes late for an appointment last week…
I missed an appointment today because I wrote the wrong practitioner on my datebook…
knew it was not correct…
and cancelled with the person I had written down.
The funny thing is that the practitioner never mentioned that she didn't have us in her schedule.
Anyway…
I think I'm losing it…
if I write it down I expect it to be right…
This is bad!

Next weekend I am doing a reiki 1 level attunement…
I'm so excited.
I will learn to flow reiki energy…
first on myself- level 1...
then on others- level 2...
then on complex cases- level 3.
I am excited to be able to learn this…
maybe the next time we see each other I'll be able to flow reiki for you.
I'm definitely practicing on my horses…
they love it.

I have to work at a health fair tomorrow for my new job. I think I'm there to put out fires, but I actually not sure of my role. I know who is in charge, so I plan on taking direction from her. I was told that this agency that I am working for is the background support for many projects- so I'm heeding that advice and laying low. I'm really looking forward to it though- my first outing alone.

I had a great talk with my friend and yoga instructor last night. I was the only one to show up for yoga class and we talked. We almost ran out of time ( 1.5 hour class) for yoga. She is also doing the reiki class next week and is part of the group to organize the "Integrate Center" that I'm dreaming up.
We talked about trauma and growth…
the alchemy of life.
We talked about turning our past hurts into lessons for ourselves and others.
It left me feeling so heard and connected.
I am surrounded by amazing women at this point in my life.
My new boss, my friends, my co-workers-
a very supportive, nurturing group to be around.
I am a lucky soul.
I am grateful.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie