still tired and achey

Clare,

I refuse the labels…
I always have.
For some reason…
even though I was molested and sexually abused I never identified myself with being a whore…
I can't even write the C word.
Last year I did the Vagina Monologues with daughter #2. The director wanted me to do the monologue about the word cunt…
I couldn't…
I couldn't say it out loud.
I'm not sure if it's so offensive because I refuse it or own it- too tightly ??
I just know that when I hear it I ask the person to stop.
My boys have been asked to stop many times. I ask them if it's OK for a young man to have sex when he chooses- they reply yes. Then I ask why it is different for a female to choose to have sex…
it's a choice, not a judgement.
They get it…
but they don't because they are confused by society's messages about women and temptations and puritanical morals.

I asked my son to reconsider his refusal today. He said he would rather change his address.
I looked at the law carefully and it is clear that all adults in the hour for more than 30 days per year require the state and federal clearances. I spoke with the foster coordinator and she confirmed that- no exceptions. I cannot ask my son to move out to make room for other young men. That makes no sense. I have a phone call in to the CYS worker for the young men- I'm going to ask if we can continue to offer weekend care until the summer when my son will move out for college. He wants an apartment (not a dorm) so it will be a year round address for him and he won't have to compromise his position. The only problem is if he wants to move back in while the young men are still living here- he'll have to have clearances or they will be removed. This is crazy- why am I interested in helping when it is so demanding? I even talked to a friend who has a little house she is trying to sell- asking if she'd rent to him. It's only 5 minutes from home. It would be a great solution. Unfortunately, she sold the house earlier this month.
I don't know what to do. If I keep hammering him, he'll feel driven away. If I let it die the young men will be without a family- AGAIN.
I turned it over to the Light today…
I verbally surrendered this in my morning meditation and trust that way will open.
I trust the divine to open the right door at the right time.
Trust…

My son does not trust S#5 or her husband. He really should, they tried desperately to help him. He feels that S#5 was interfering with his relationships here at home and resented that. He was closer with her husband, but distrusts him because of his connection with the government.
I swear this child of mine is a Quaker- objecting to many limits and controls by the government.

I am still not well today. Still achey, tired, but less so than yesterday.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie