break that will

Hi Maggie,

It's nice to have you back.   I hope you are having a joyful birthday dinner out with B-in-law and as many kids as you could gather.

Having your foster son's mother die has added a new layer to all of the emotions involved with this case.  Now they do know, though, that going back to Mom is not a possibility.  I don't know if it was, but I think kids sort of harbor that wish in their heart.  Adults harbor the same wish...for mama to come back and rescue us and prove we are loveable.

I remember Dad saying that if we told us we couldn't, we would prove that we could. I suppose that theory of child-rearing could be used, but it would have to be gentle and playful. Unfortunately he came at us with a battering ram.  And you are the only kid it worked on.  You decided to show him and become a doctor, just as you announced when you were 7 years old. I have often wondered how you knew, why you were so sure, and where you found the strength to thumb your nose at him and do what you felt destined to do. None of the rest of us did that.  In fact, here I am, almost 60, wondering what I am going to be when I grow up.

I was also impressed that you defined the parenting style as "breaking the will of the child."  I never quite got there.  I just made it to - I'm going to do it different.  S#3 sometimes says that when she doesn't know quite what to do, she considered what Dad did, and she does the opposite.

Tonight I am going to sit with the query;  Is my will broken?

It is hard having teenagers.  It's just hard.  They are so sure they are right, and we can see just how much they don't know.   To avoid being like Dad, I negotiated with mine.  I also learned that if I commanded, they snuck around behind my back. If we negotiated, they generally honored our agreement.  But I had moments of pure exasperation, where behind the cool facade I was shrieking,  "Aughhhhh-----just do what I say!!!!!"

I have been very upset lately, considering the way women are treated, looking at the damage inflicted on me by this culture...wondering what life would be like if I had ever been valued or treasured -- if any woman had been valued or treasured.  I am seeing it in the world and watching and analyzing what it did to me, and looking at me, and seeing it's not an unusual story...raised in violence, face violence in the world, retreat and be half dead before death is even close...

Such a waste of half the species...

Working some evening hours, possibly until May. So I am tired...my usual complaint!!

Love and hugs from Clare