Sending love

When the kid tells you what he will do - that's not negotiating. That's a kid who wants to be in charge.  Negotiating involves recognizing and respecting each other's limits.

What is your older son doing?  Where is he getting it?

It seems like a game almost, of outwit Mom, and then you have to outwit them.  You have to go looking for the missing duffel bag. You have to call the party and threaten to call the enlisting sergeant. 

Sounds kind of like a war - and we know war only escalates.

We never went through this as teenagers because Mom and Dad rarely cared where we were and what we did.  So you are venturing into new terrain.  I was a bit clueless about what was going on when mine were younger.  My kids were raiding their Dad's stash...not kidding.  I had gotten in his face when our first was a toddler and made sure he never had it in the house, and made him agree not to have it around the kids.

My oldest son has an early memory of Dad smoking in the car, and telling him not to tell Mom.  Yeah - teach them to lie early, divide the family...

Somewhere along the way, the kids asked about Dad's pipe. I said he didn't smoke a pipe, and several said - Oh yes he does.

I got really upset.

So he lied and hid it deeper. Sometimes he would rail at me about not watching the kids and they were getting into things. I asked if they were destroying anything or getting into trouble. He said no. I was alone with the kids all week. He was only home on weekend. I was busy. I didn't have time to police his private area of the barn if nothing bad was happening.  He didn't want to tell me they were getting into his stash.

After he left, we went for a long time with no problems...A lot of that was due to peer group. Peer group is so important.

But we have had our struggles.  And sometimes I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I sat and cried because I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one was a passionate about them as I was.

Remember, you have me...I am here.

Follow your heart.  Is there any way to restart them with a new peer group?  Like, send one to the Quaker boarding school my youngest attended out west?

But, no matter where you go, the culture is alive and well, and they will find it.  Something needs to be healed in them.

I know you should follow your intuition. I know you need to do something. What does their father think?  Does he have any insight?  What about the girls?  They may have generational insights or experiences shared by friends which could give a leading.

Keep me posted.

Sending love and hugs and Light...I care.

Clare

P.S. - You dump the beer!