Processing...

Clare,
It is quiet in my house. I am the only person awake, I love this time. I think it will do me good to organize my thoughts and emotions on this wall. Forgive me if I "TMI" you. I am just trying to process all of this.

Last evening I took my older son to buy an "e-cigarette"…the kind that delivers nicotine without the smoke and other chemicals. We negotiated that he can taper the nicotine for 2 weeks and then I will purchase flavored refills that have no nicotine so that he can continue the action until he no longer needs it. I think that's fair and reasonable.

I spoke with his guidance counselor yesterday, told him what is going on…it explains his disruptive behaviors in school since January…and his threat to become even more unruly in school if we force him into drug and alcohol counseling. We agreed to have hime evaluated through the school's Student Assistance Program (SAP) and see what their recommendations are. I am also reaching out to a local psychologist and my Reiki healer.

Last evening he and I had a 2 hour window to talk…no one else at home…
it was really good.
He told me about his daily pot habit…but he is still convinced that it doesn't effect his life in any way.
He's driving high.
He only socializes with other users.
He has lost interest in his future…
but it hasn't affected him.
He told me he has used LSD, cocaine, meth, mollys…
but only to try them…
he isn't using them regularly. But that's what he said about pot 6 months ago.

He cried telling me that a former friend is a meth addict and has almost killed another friend with the meth…and has introduced kids as young as eighth grade to meth…he wants to hurt this young man…He believes the authorities are watching this guys activities and will arrest him very soon.

His best friend just left home because of this same battle over drugs, lying, stealing…
I don't ever want my kids to feel that "eighteen and you're out of my house" feeling…
but, then again, I don't want drugs in my house.
This guys parents are furious, frightened and confused…
They offer him rehab and he chooses to leave because the drugs are stronger than the love.
How does that happen?
How do they forget all of the love and caring that we've given them over the years because being high  feels good?
Why can't they just see what they are choosing?
Skinny, toothless, strung-out, apathetic, empty existence over a life of challenges and triumphs.
I just don't see it.

He went on a field trip on Thursday…to New Hope, PA.
A very artsy place. He came back more balanced.
The art teacher invited him to take a special class for portfolio preparation next year…
and he responded…he found a spark inside… he signed up for the class yesterday.
I feel as if that's a break through.
This teacher is a buddhist, very well respected, cool but consistently firm, respectful.
Perhaps the universe will see it good to have him work closely with my son, be a role model.
Please, please, please let that be.

My youngest is really upset. He has gone from combative to supportive in a day. He is losing sleep because of all of this.
He is confronting his brother in his lies…
calling on him to be truthful…
pushing him to see reality…
all the while his brother belittles him, calls him terrible names, and says he hates him.
The youngest knows it is the drugs talking, and he is coming to see that ugly reality- up close and personal. He also knows that what he is doing is necessary and good. The youngest gave me a pack of cigarettes and told me he would never smoke cigarettes again. He listened when I told him our family history of cancer. I am encouraged that some of what I say is getting into their brains…it may take a few days, but eventually they get it.

We are trying to set up family counseling, both boys are resistant…they'd rather tell their "shit" to a stranger without us there…not sure where to go with that.

I know that this too shall pass. I trust that we will come out of this stronger than we went into it. But, what if we lose him along the way? I am not sure that I could handle that. I've protected them from the ugly, violent war for so long…I can't stop protecting now.

I have to surrender and follow the guidance that is coming to me. By reaching out I have opened lines of communication…now I have to trust that the right messages will be sent and received.

I love you…
As always thanks for listening/reading
Love and Light,
Maggie