Clare,
I had a good day…
I spent some time with my youngest today- he had an orthodontist appointment. He was in a good mood- so all was fine and comfortable.
I then sewed a skirt…
went to meet the actors for the project and had a fitting.
everyone's pieces fit so well…
it is good to see it all coming together.
We laughed…and laughed some more.
We have developed "crushes" on some of the actors being brought in for the project…
My personal favorite is the guy who is playing the "Lord Zinfandel" role…
he played "the beast" in Beauty and the Beast for 10 years on broadway and is quite handsome.
I made the mistake of mentioning he was in a dream I had…
now they kid me about it regularly…
It is all fun though.
My Reiki healer said, "this will be a 'blip' in your life" something to walk through, but not serious…
I had a massage today too…she had the same impression.
She said she senses a "hole" in the breast…
I'm not sure how to interpret that…but at least there is still a breast to have a hole.
I spoke with B#4 today…
explained the genetic implications.
He hs already mentioned it to his doctor…
I will contact him after the counseling to give him further information.
Then I spoke with Mom- to fill in the family history of cancer and genetic diseases questionnaire.
She only asked about the abnormal mammogram at the end of the conversation…
do you think she was that traumatized by her own breast cancer that she can't think about it?
I am going back to sewing…
I love you,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Laugh
So - laughter.
Apparently I can't put on socks or shoes without seriously increasing the excitement level in this house. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk, and I pulled on a pair of red socks. The dogs both started whining and running circles around me. Then the baby started waving her arms and hooting at me. I ended up with the stroller and two leashes. And a daughter thrilled to be home a lone - to shower without child.
So we walked down to the old bridge, looking for herbs. Unsuccessful, we turned around and trudged back up the hill. Then we walked down to the stop sign. The little dog started getting tired, so I scotched the baby over and put him in the stroller, next to her. He stood up like a guard statue, feet on the tray, and rode the whole way home like that. Even when we got into the house, he didn't jump out.
I laughed out loud. More than once.
Today is dreary and rainy and windy. I did not want to go outside. I decided to do a yoga class I found on-line. It was an hour long.
While I did the cat pose, the little dog ran back and forth under my stomach. The bigger dog kept poking her nose into my face. The last 5 minutes or so were meditation, and I was on my back on the floor. Both dogs became very concerned - because this was not where we were supposed to sleep. But they laid down with me anyway - the little one kept licking my hand.
It was funny. I am grateful to them...mostly.
How has your day been? You're in my heart little sister.
Love from Clare
Apparently I can't put on socks or shoes without seriously increasing the excitement level in this house. Yesterday I decided to go for a walk, and I pulled on a pair of red socks. The dogs both started whining and running circles around me. Then the baby started waving her arms and hooting at me. I ended up with the stroller and two leashes. And a daughter thrilled to be home a lone - to shower without child.
So we walked down to the old bridge, looking for herbs. Unsuccessful, we turned around and trudged back up the hill. Then we walked down to the stop sign. The little dog started getting tired, so I scotched the baby over and put him in the stroller, next to her. He stood up like a guard statue, feet on the tray, and rode the whole way home like that. Even when we got into the house, he didn't jump out.
I laughed out loud. More than once.
Today is dreary and rainy and windy. I did not want to go outside. I decided to do a yoga class I found on-line. It was an hour long.
While I did the cat pose, the little dog ran back and forth under my stomach. The bigger dog kept poking her nose into my face. The last 5 minutes or so were meditation, and I was on my back on the floor. Both dogs became very concerned - because this was not where we were supposed to sleep. But they laid down with me anyway - the little one kept licking my hand.
It was funny. I am grateful to them...mostly.
How has your day been? You're in my heart little sister.
Love from Clare
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
We wait
Hi Maggie,
When I talked to my kids, I told them that I have a 50% chance of carrying the gene. If I have it, and we don't know if I do, then they have a 50% chance of carrying it also. I told them that I wanted them to be vigilant about their health, to take care of themselves, to stop smoking...the usual Mama nag, with a little added incentive.
I will wait until Uncle G. shares his results. I wonder if Uncle J. will be tested, since he's being treated for cancer now anyway.
I don't know if I will be tested. Most of my life decisions are completely controlled by money, and there's not much beyond the basics that I can afford. Medical tests are not in my budget.
And I don't think I would ever take Tamoxifen, especially prophylactically, especially for years. I would definitely do some sort of alternative treatment. If I had freedom, I would start now. We'll see what the universe offers me. It might be continued self-sufficiency, though.
These are the moments when we see who we are, and understand what we believe...
Just as an aside, a friend of mine recently had a robotic hysterectomy. She regrets it and wishes she would have done more research first. If you want to talk to her, I am pretty sure she would be open.
I look forward to hearing what your Reiki healer says. I think her insight is so important.
I had a young friend die of ovarian cancer at age 35. In the last month of her life, she told her mom that the mom's best friend's husband had molested and abused her. Her mom and I stood under a tree at a festival, without moving for over three hours as she spilled this to me. People were beginning to make jokes...But we both agreed that the cancer was in the reproductive organs because these organs held the abuse.
You said your lesions are in the area that holds the echo of your sexual abuse. Could your Reiki healer help clear that? Would that be appropriate?
You are beautiful because you have a laughing, generous spirit. The shell does not matter. The soul does. And you have a graceful soul.
Love and hugs,
Clare
When I talked to my kids, I told them that I have a 50% chance of carrying the gene. If I have it, and we don't know if I do, then they have a 50% chance of carrying it also. I told them that I wanted them to be vigilant about their health, to take care of themselves, to stop smoking...the usual Mama nag, with a little added incentive.
I will wait until Uncle G. shares his results. I wonder if Uncle J. will be tested, since he's being treated for cancer now anyway.
I don't know if I will be tested. Most of my life decisions are completely controlled by money, and there's not much beyond the basics that I can afford. Medical tests are not in my budget.
And I don't think I would ever take Tamoxifen, especially prophylactically, especially for years. I would definitely do some sort of alternative treatment. If I had freedom, I would start now. We'll see what the universe offers me. It might be continued self-sufficiency, though.
These are the moments when we see who we are, and understand what we believe...
Just as an aside, a friend of mine recently had a robotic hysterectomy. She regrets it and wishes she would have done more research first. If you want to talk to her, I am pretty sure she would be open.
I look forward to hearing what your Reiki healer says. I think her insight is so important.
I had a young friend die of ovarian cancer at age 35. In the last month of her life, she told her mom that the mom's best friend's husband had molested and abused her. Her mom and I stood under a tree at a festival, without moving for over three hours as she spilled this to me. People were beginning to make jokes...But we both agreed that the cancer was in the reproductive organs because these organs held the abuse.
You said your lesions are in the area that holds the echo of your sexual abuse. Could your Reiki healer help clear that? Would that be appropriate?
You are beautiful because you have a laughing, generous spirit. The shell does not matter. The soul does. And you have a graceful soul.
Love and hugs,
Clare
Sorry for the loss of your friend
I am deeply sorry for your loss…
you are right, she is on the other side.
I, too have spoken to my kids about the gene- 3 want tests the oldest son feels as if he doesn't want to know.
You have the potential for carrying this gene…your kids are only at risk of inheritance if you got it from Mom- that's a 50-50 proposition. So, before you tell your kids to be tested you should be. If you do not have the gene then there is no way that they do. So, the first step is for you to decide if you want to know this piece of information. Part of that consideration is what will you do with the information once you have it. Assuming a negative result- your life is at no greater risk than the general population. But if you are positive then you will need to increase your health vigilance- watch for signs of lung, kidney, colon, breast or ovarian cancers. You may be asked to take Tamoxifen for 5 years to reduce the risks of breast and ovarian. You might want to know simply to advise your children about their risks.
I am heterozygous positive- meaning I have one normal gene and one mutated gene- unfortunately this is a dominant gene so it only takes one copy to cause disease. Assuming Mom is heterozygous as well- you have a 50% chance of having the mutation AND yet a 50% chance of having 2 normal genes for this protein. Our uncle, whose daughter is currently fighting breast cancer, is being tested. His result will tell us if he and his siblings are heterozygous or homozygous (having 2 copies of the mutated gene). That will tell us a lot about our generation. You can wait for that result- it should be back soon I believe and then be better able to calculate your risk.
Because I have the mutation, and a first degree relative (mom) and a second degree relative (aunt) with breast cancer my lifetime risk increases to 45 - 50%.
That, in conjunction with this lump in my breast make me fairly certain that it is malignant. I am not in a panic. I am concerned, but not obsessed.
I am trying to think about my priorities and make my mind clearer for the decisions that will be necessary. I am allowing myself to be distracted by the costuming project- great timing to help me through all of this.
I am trying to be patient with myself and my kids- and husband.
He really believes this is serious- I can see it in his eyes. He also has told me that he will think I am beautiful even if I have no breast or hair. He is trying to be supportive, but his words seem painfully clear- he's seen the mammogram and he is scared.
My gynecologist told me that if they want to remove "tits and ovaries" she can do the ovaries robotically…weirdest conversation ever!
It's all very surreal. The waiting is a blessing and a curse. I see my Reiki healer this evening- it will be interesting to hear her impressions of all of this. The lump lays directly under the area where I hold all of the male-induced trauma- something that I haven't been able to free up yet.
Life is interesting.
I love you for your help and support- and for just being you, Clare.
Love and Light,
Maggie
you are right, she is on the other side.
I, too have spoken to my kids about the gene- 3 want tests the oldest son feels as if he doesn't want to know.
You have the potential for carrying this gene…your kids are only at risk of inheritance if you got it from Mom- that's a 50-50 proposition. So, before you tell your kids to be tested you should be. If you do not have the gene then there is no way that they do. So, the first step is for you to decide if you want to know this piece of information. Part of that consideration is what will you do with the information once you have it. Assuming a negative result- your life is at no greater risk than the general population. But if you are positive then you will need to increase your health vigilance- watch for signs of lung, kidney, colon, breast or ovarian cancers. You may be asked to take Tamoxifen for 5 years to reduce the risks of breast and ovarian. You might want to know simply to advise your children about their risks.
I am heterozygous positive- meaning I have one normal gene and one mutated gene- unfortunately this is a dominant gene so it only takes one copy to cause disease. Assuming Mom is heterozygous as well- you have a 50% chance of having the mutation AND yet a 50% chance of having 2 normal genes for this protein. Our uncle, whose daughter is currently fighting breast cancer, is being tested. His result will tell us if he and his siblings are heterozygous or homozygous (having 2 copies of the mutated gene). That will tell us a lot about our generation. You can wait for that result- it should be back soon I believe and then be better able to calculate your risk.
Because I have the mutation, and a first degree relative (mom) and a second degree relative (aunt) with breast cancer my lifetime risk increases to 45 - 50%.
That, in conjunction with this lump in my breast make me fairly certain that it is malignant. I am not in a panic. I am concerned, but not obsessed.
I am trying to think about my priorities and make my mind clearer for the decisions that will be necessary. I am allowing myself to be distracted by the costuming project- great timing to help me through all of this.
I am trying to be patient with myself and my kids- and husband.
He really believes this is serious- I can see it in his eyes. He also has told me that he will think I am beautiful even if I have no breast or hair. He is trying to be supportive, but his words seem painfully clear- he's seen the mammogram and he is scared.
My gynecologist told me that if they want to remove "tits and ovaries" she can do the ovaries robotically…weirdest conversation ever!
It's all very surreal. The waiting is a blessing and a curse. I see my Reiki healer this evening- it will be interesting to hear her impressions of all of this. The lump lays directly under the area where I hold all of the male-induced trauma- something that I haven't been able to free up yet.
Life is interesting.
I love you for your help and support- and for just being you, Clare.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Monday, April 28, 2014
and it continues
Mortality...a dear, old friend died today. I have a card, addressed to her on my desk. I didn't get it out in time for Christmas or her birthday. I was shooting for Easter, no May Day. This morning I decided I had to write between lessons and get it out to her. Today.
Then a mutual friend let me know our friend was gone.
She was almost 95, I think. She led the most amazing life. I met her about 22 years ago. We were both at a celebration, after we prevented the siting of a nuclear dump. I had a toddler on my back. She was about 70.
About a week later I got a card in the mail telling me how beautiful my little one was. It was the beginning of a sweet friendship. My kids saw her as a grandmother, almost. She was also so concerned about them. My youngest son took his first serious girlfriend there to meet her.
She lived in the south of France, and in Hawaii. She knew the art set in New York City. She and her late husband travelled through the Orient in the Viet Nam War era. She was politically active until the end. And she loved, practiced and supported the arts.
We always think we'll have just a little more time to say goodbye. But then we don't.
I got a card from her recently that said she talks about us - me and my children - everyday. I never got to tell her that I thought of her every day too. She was as important to me. While we decorated Easter eggs, my kids remembered decorating hundreds at her house. She had a huge Easter egg hunt every year, for any kids who wanted to come.
Her house was full of art and antiquities, all jumbled together in refined chaos. You could just tell she had been somewhere.
We really loved her. I really loved her. She made my life better.
Today, I found out she was gone early. I was still working. I was a little distracted, but okay. When I was writing reports, I had an image of her meeting some old friends who had passed over. That's when I realized she was on that side, and I started to cry.
I've been letting my kids know all day. I called to tell one son, then mentioned "the gene". He said he didn't want to know. We all have something that puts us at risk. We are all going to die. What good is it to panic?
So mortality remains the theme of the moment.
How are you? Keep me posted on your life please. I love you.
Clare
Then a mutual friend let me know our friend was gone.
She was almost 95, I think. She led the most amazing life. I met her about 22 years ago. We were both at a celebration, after we prevented the siting of a nuclear dump. I had a toddler on my back. She was about 70.
About a week later I got a card in the mail telling me how beautiful my little one was. It was the beginning of a sweet friendship. My kids saw her as a grandmother, almost. She was also so concerned about them. My youngest son took his first serious girlfriend there to meet her.
She lived in the south of France, and in Hawaii. She knew the art set in New York City. She and her late husband travelled through the Orient in the Viet Nam War era. She was politically active until the end. And she loved, practiced and supported the arts.
We always think we'll have just a little more time to say goodbye. But then we don't.
I got a card from her recently that said she talks about us - me and my children - everyday. I never got to tell her that I thought of her every day too. She was as important to me. While we decorated Easter eggs, my kids remembered decorating hundreds at her house. She had a huge Easter egg hunt every year, for any kids who wanted to come.
Her house was full of art and antiquities, all jumbled together in refined chaos. You could just tell she had been somewhere.
We really loved her. I really loved her. She made my life better.
Today, I found out she was gone early. I was still working. I was a little distracted, but okay. When I was writing reports, I had an image of her meeting some old friends who had passed over. That's when I realized she was on that side, and I started to cry.
I've been letting my kids know all day. I called to tell one son, then mentioned "the gene". He said he didn't want to know. We all have something that puts us at risk. We are all going to die. What good is it to panic?
So mortality remains the theme of the moment.
How are you? Keep me posted on your life please. I love you.
Clare
Sunday, April 27, 2014
more-tality
I see you on a high wire, keeping your balance so beautifully. That doesn't mean you don't tip occasionally. Or that you would be a bit more stable with support...
I have talked to three of my kids now about the gene, now. Just need some time with the last two.
My weekend was so busy...like so busy I could only experience and not think. But there were a few golden moments.
I was a 4-H leader for years. And I have done a lot of volunteer work for the Forest Service as well as many other environmental organizations. This weekend we were part of an Arbor Day celebration and we helped plant twenty American Elm trees. The university has been developing a resistant variety. We planted them in a pasture in the national forest, where they will be monitored as part of an effort to restore the species.
My daughter-in-law organized the event. My son was there to assist. All three of my local grandkids were with us - the youngest in my arms since her mama was working. I watched my grandson help - dive right in and want to do everything the rest of the group was doing. I saw his dad shining through at that age. And I watched my son dig and plant. I felt the circle. I felt the spiral of life. I felt the mortality that has been making me uncomfortable this week, but suddenly I felt the beauty and balance.
After we all went home, my daughter-in-law called. My grandson was very upset and disappointed, because he thought he was supposed to come to my house. Suddenly I had two more for an overnight. My ex was here for the youngest's first birthday celebration. We ended up taking the three grandkids to the grocery story. It was a surreal moment. Again, the past and the present seemed to merge. It was weird, because he is essentially a stranger in many ways - we share little in terms of day-to-day life, yet we were with our grandchildren...
I don't know...I am exhausted. I'll strive for coherence tomorrow.
I love you. Let me know if you need me,
Clare
I have talked to three of my kids now about the gene, now. Just need some time with the last two.
My weekend was so busy...like so busy I could only experience and not think. But there were a few golden moments.
I was a 4-H leader for years. And I have done a lot of volunteer work for the Forest Service as well as many other environmental organizations. This weekend we were part of an Arbor Day celebration and we helped plant twenty American Elm trees. The university has been developing a resistant variety. We planted them in a pasture in the national forest, where they will be monitored as part of an effort to restore the species.
My daughter-in-law organized the event. My son was there to assist. All three of my local grandkids were with us - the youngest in my arms since her mama was working. I watched my grandson help - dive right in and want to do everything the rest of the group was doing. I saw his dad shining through at that age. And I watched my son dig and plant. I felt the circle. I felt the spiral of life. I felt the mortality that has been making me uncomfortable this week, but suddenly I felt the beauty and balance.
After we all went home, my daughter-in-law called. My grandson was very upset and disappointed, because he thought he was supposed to come to my house. Suddenly I had two more for an overnight. My ex was here for the youngest's first birthday celebration. We ended up taking the three grandkids to the grocery story. It was a surreal moment. Again, the past and the present seemed to merge. It was weird, because he is essentially a stranger in many ways - we share little in terms of day-to-day life, yet we were with our grandchildren...
I don't know...I am exhausted. I'll strive for coherence tomorrow.
I love you. Let me know if you need me,
Clare
A good day
Clare,
I am going to vent…
and then move on.
So I spoke with Mom last Tuesday, explaining the genetic mutation, asking her to share the info…
then on Friday I sent her an email about needing a biopsy…
S#3 told B#4 about it so I felt pressured to disclose…
(I had intended to not say anything unless it was positive)…
and I have heard nothing…not a word from her.
I am tired of not mattering...
I am tired of trying to include her/them in my life…
and being shut down…
invisible…
unworthy.
I am actually doing very well today.
I am able to put the concerns into a place in my brain that understands the situation,
but isn't catastrophizing it.
I am grateful that I have a little time before any further testing to think through the options and make good choices.
I am embarrassed to tell you that now that I know there's an abnormality I can feel a lump…I didn't pick it up until I knew to check more carefully.
I have spoken with so many women this past few days who tell their own stories of breast cancer scares with normal biopsy results…I can hope to be one of them.
The problem is that pesky mutation…
that, plus the family history raises my risk from 8% to 45% lifetime risk…
I have no idea what that does for the odds of this being malignant versus benign…
but I am certain it carries a higher liklihood.
Anyway, I am not being negative…
I sang today…
I laughed today…
I spent time outdoors at an Earth Day gathering…
all in all it was a good day.
I hope your weekend was peaceful as well.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I am going to vent…
and then move on.
So I spoke with Mom last Tuesday, explaining the genetic mutation, asking her to share the info…
then on Friday I sent her an email about needing a biopsy…
S#3 told B#4 about it so I felt pressured to disclose…
(I had intended to not say anything unless it was positive)…
and I have heard nothing…not a word from her.
I am tired of not mattering...
I am tired of trying to include her/them in my life…
and being shut down…
invisible…
unworthy.
I am actually doing very well today.
I am able to put the concerns into a place in my brain that understands the situation,
but isn't catastrophizing it.
I am grateful that I have a little time before any further testing to think through the options and make good choices.
I am embarrassed to tell you that now that I know there's an abnormality I can feel a lump…I didn't pick it up until I knew to check more carefully.
I have spoken with so many women this past few days who tell their own stories of breast cancer scares with normal biopsy results…I can hope to be one of them.
The problem is that pesky mutation…
that, plus the family history raises my risk from 8% to 45% lifetime risk…
I have no idea what that does for the odds of this being malignant versus benign…
but I am certain it carries a higher liklihood.
Anyway, I am not being negative…
I sang today…
I laughed today…
I spent time outdoors at an Earth Day gathering…
all in all it was a good day.
I hope your weekend was peaceful as well.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, April 26, 2014
healing
The viral infection has cleared, even the ringing in my ears is gone.
I actually feel pretty good today.
I am working hard to meet deadlines for the web series…
it's good to be distracted.
I saw S#3 today…
she is searching for furniture for the new house.
She is going to take some pieces that I have in storage.
It was good to see her.
I got to walk today…
I haven't taken time to do that in a week…
it felt good.
I still need to laugh today.
Good luck with the baby's party…
I hope that many gather to celebrate her beauty.
Until tomorrow…
Maggie
I actually feel pretty good today.
I am working hard to meet deadlines for the web series…
it's good to be distracted.
I saw S#3 today…
she is searching for furniture for the new house.
She is going to take some pieces that I have in storage.
It was good to see her.
I got to walk today…
I haven't taken time to do that in a week…
it felt good.
I still need to laugh today.
Good luck with the baby's party…
I hope that many gather to celebrate her beauty.
Until tomorrow…
Maggie
Gentle loving question...
Big sister nag...Are you taking care of the herpes? Are you healing or is all this stress and running around making this harder to heal?
Long weekend ahead...It's the baby's birthday weekend...and the house is not clean...sigh...
Love and hugs,
C.
Long weekend ahead...It's the baby's birthday weekend...and the house is not clean...sigh...
Love and hugs,
C.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Chek, chek
Hi Maggie,
My internet has been spotty all day long. It has made everything tricky - since I need it for work. It's back and so I wanted to get here, just in case. Then I have to catch up on writing reports.
Just checked our cousin's cancer blog and saw that she put out a general notice to the rest of the family about the CHEK2 gene. You got a big mention. When we first talked, I thought it was primarily breast cancer, so I spoke with both of my daughters. Upon reading a bit more, I now know I have to talk to my sons also. This isn't a breast cancer gene.
Both of my parents-in-law died of cancer. My kids will have to be extra-diligent.
Stopping to admire beauty, stopping to sing - that is the way to healing. That is the way to live a long and happy life.
Thinking about being mortal - the quote goes something like - Enjoy life, no one gets out alive. But I started thinking about losing people - losing siblings and friends. I think we get to the point where we want to go. The idea is not to be first, yet not to stay too long...maybe. And not to end up deaf and blind in a nursing home.
I had a dream, once, about a garden that was so beautiful, it healed people who entered it. Sometimes I want to create this. Be surrounded by healing plants that heal on many levels.
There's never enough time.
Maybe that's why mortal feels so frightening.
But it also seems like a gift. Remember when Aunt T. was dying - also of cancer? Mom and her siblings took the time to spend together. Aunt T. made time for her kids. It was a gift because the end was in sight. The letter she sent everyone for Christmas went right to my heart with its beauty and awareness. It's too bad we can't live like that all the time - in intense awareness. But maybe it's too much for our poor human bodies to hold.
Maybe we're supposed to spill out on each other. Maybe we are each supposed to be fountains of joy.
Instead, I am just tired.
Okay, back to work for me...I'll check back later,
Love and hugs,
Clare
My internet has been spotty all day long. It has made everything tricky - since I need it for work. It's back and so I wanted to get here, just in case. Then I have to catch up on writing reports.
Just checked our cousin's cancer blog and saw that she put out a general notice to the rest of the family about the CHEK2 gene. You got a big mention. When we first talked, I thought it was primarily breast cancer, so I spoke with both of my daughters. Upon reading a bit more, I now know I have to talk to my sons also. This isn't a breast cancer gene.
Both of my parents-in-law died of cancer. My kids will have to be extra-diligent.
Stopping to admire beauty, stopping to sing - that is the way to healing. That is the way to live a long and happy life.
Thinking about being mortal - the quote goes something like - Enjoy life, no one gets out alive. But I started thinking about losing people - losing siblings and friends. I think we get to the point where we want to go. The idea is not to be first, yet not to stay too long...maybe. And not to end up deaf and blind in a nursing home.
I had a dream, once, about a garden that was so beautiful, it healed people who entered it. Sometimes I want to create this. Be surrounded by healing plants that heal on many levels.
There's never enough time.
Maybe that's why mortal feels so frightening.
But it also seems like a gift. Remember when Aunt T. was dying - also of cancer? Mom and her siblings took the time to spend together. Aunt T. made time for her kids. It was a gift because the end was in sight. The letter she sent everyone for Christmas went right to my heart with its beauty and awareness. It's too bad we can't live like that all the time - in intense awareness. But maybe it's too much for our poor human bodies to hold.
Maybe we're supposed to spill out on each other. Maybe we are each supposed to be fountains of joy.
Instead, I am just tired.
Okay, back to work for me...I'll check back later,
Love and hugs,
Clare
Thursday, April 24, 2014
reclaiming my life
You are right…
I have made choices.
I anticipated a positive genetic mutation…
my thoughts were that I would increase my preventive health measures…
and I did have the mammogram…I do every year.
Now I have more choices to make.
I am seeing a genetic counselor on 5/13 to hear what the statistics would tell me to do.
I will take that information and make some decisions.
I will consider the options and make decisions.
I take back my power.
Yesterday I was shaky…
today I am more settled…more focused…more me.
It is a time of opportunity for me.
I will recognize that and appreciate that.
I spent my day running from one thing to the next.
Not really appreciating the day…until I turned a corner in a small town on the way to my lecture and saw a beautiful spring garden. It was stunning. I opened the sunroof on my car, turned on the radio and sang a bit. It was good.
Blessings until tomorrow,
Maggie
I have made choices.
I anticipated a positive genetic mutation…
my thoughts were that I would increase my preventive health measures…
and I did have the mammogram…I do every year.
Now I have more choices to make.
I am seeing a genetic counselor on 5/13 to hear what the statistics would tell me to do.
I will take that information and make some decisions.
I will consider the options and make decisions.
I take back my power.
Yesterday I was shaky…
today I am more settled…more focused…more me.
It is a time of opportunity for me.
I will recognize that and appreciate that.
I spent my day running from one thing to the next.
Not really appreciating the day…until I turned a corner in a small town on the way to my lecture and saw a beautiful spring garden. It was stunning. I opened the sunroof on my car, turned on the radio and sang a bit. It was good.
Blessings until tomorrow,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Holding you in the Light
It's okay, sweetheart. Be scared. Be vulnerable. Be real. I love you.
I didn't sleep last night, worried about you and S#3. Today I found out that neither you nor S#3 slept either. We need a bat signal so we can do 3-way Skype in the middle of the night. I also found out that S#3 is going to be okay.
When we spoke earlier today, you said you felt like you have no choices. After we hung up, it dawned on me that you did have a choice. You made a choice. You chose to have the genetic test done. You chose to have a mammogram. You chose to let your husband set up appointments with an array of doctors.
I found some advice from Erma Bombeck for you: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I talked to Mom earlier this week and she said S#5 has colitis. Now with your scare and with the recent medical procedures B#4 has gone through- I'm feeling a bit more mortal.
Vulnerable by association!
Maybe the universe is asking you to be joyful and to celebrate. Notice the daffodils. Feel them in your heart. Notice how funny your sons are. Watch clouds. Make costumes and feel passionate about things.
But I don't know for sure- what is the universe asking of you? of any of us?
Maybe we are being asked to face mortality, to make decisions about our time here, the quality of our time here.
Maybe we are bring asked to look at our patterns and release those that don't serve us.
Will be thinking about this, about you...holding you in the Light.
Sending loves and hugs. Let me know as son as you know anything.
Love from Clare
I didn't sleep last night, worried about you and S#3. Today I found out that neither you nor S#3 slept either. We need a bat signal so we can do 3-way Skype in the middle of the night. I also found out that S#3 is going to be okay.
When we spoke earlier today, you said you felt like you have no choices. After we hung up, it dawned on me that you did have a choice. You made a choice. You chose to have the genetic test done. You chose to have a mammogram. You chose to let your husband set up appointments with an array of doctors.
I found some advice from Erma Bombeck for you: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I talked to Mom earlier this week and she said S#5 has colitis. Now with your scare and with the recent medical procedures B#4 has gone through- I'm feeling a bit more mortal.
Vulnerable by association!
Maybe the universe is asking you to be joyful and to celebrate. Notice the daffodils. Feel them in your heart. Notice how funny your sons are. Watch clouds. Make costumes and feel passionate about things.
But I don't know for sure- what is the universe asking of you? of any of us?
Maybe we are being asked to face mortality, to make decisions about our time here, the quality of our time here.
Maybe we are bring asked to look at our patterns and release those that don't serve us.
Will be thinking about this, about you...holding you in the Light.
Sending loves and hugs. Let me know as son as you know anything.
Love from Clare
What is the universe asking of me?
Clare,
I am scared.
I had a mammogram today and they found 2 lesions with calcium deposits…
I need an MRI and a biopsy.
This whole thing sucks.
I am laying low…
holding up in my house for the day...
trying to put all of this into perspective…
nauseated and tearful.
What is the universe asking from me?
Maggie
I am scared.
I had a mammogram today and they found 2 lesions with calcium deposits…
I need an MRI and a biopsy.
This whole thing sucks.
I am laying low…
holding up in my house for the day...
trying to put all of this into perspective…
nauseated and tearful.
What is the universe asking from me?
Maggie
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Gotta laugh
Hi Maggie.
It's funny - we're sort of on the same track. I am feeling very mortal these days. It's getting close to my birthday, and I am feeling old and tired and like I'm done. I know I'm not done, but I have hit a sorry spot of feeling old and feeling like I am never going to be special or do anything important. I felt the addiction process in my body with the Easter candy incident. That feels hopeless. And now there's this gene...It's all sort of slamming at once.
Logically I know I'll live for another 35 years. But emotionally, I'm so tired. I don't see any escape from the sameness. I know miracles happen, but not today, apparently.
I have been very aware of the possibility of breast cancer all of my life. I knew. But I breastfed for 13.5 years. That offers a lot of protection. And I am very familiar with my breasts. Maybe that's a false security...But I am.
You write about having to be more hypervigilant, but we also have to have more fun. We need to laugh more. I don't remember who wrote the book about healing with humor. He stocked up on funny books and programs and series. He laughed himself well. I think we should use laughter as preventative medicine. There's got to be something funny every day.
I don't laugh enough...What makes me laugh? Irma Bombeck. Whose Line Is It. My grandson, and the others - all of my grandkids.
We don't get to see where this is going. We just get to go. Or we give up, sit still and wither...
Middle of the night I have been hearing sounds. At first it was moments of dissonance alternating with harmony. Now it becoming more harmonic. I feel like Earth, like male/female are coming into balance - moreso than they have been.
Thank you for the offer of the book. I will read with great interest. I read Sugar Blues by William Duffy when I was in college. I never kept sugar in the house, cooked mostly with honey. But now, I read that Americans buy much less sugar, but we eat a lot more because it is added to almost everything we eat. So I have to start eating only whole foods that I grow or I make, I guess. I am currently taking a nutrition course which is nudging me to better habits.
How is everything else at home? Calm?
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
It's funny - we're sort of on the same track. I am feeling very mortal these days. It's getting close to my birthday, and I am feeling old and tired and like I'm done. I know I'm not done, but I have hit a sorry spot of feeling old and feeling like I am never going to be special or do anything important. I felt the addiction process in my body with the Easter candy incident. That feels hopeless. And now there's this gene...It's all sort of slamming at once.
Logically I know I'll live for another 35 years. But emotionally, I'm so tired. I don't see any escape from the sameness. I know miracles happen, but not today, apparently.
I have been very aware of the possibility of breast cancer all of my life. I knew. But I breastfed for 13.5 years. That offers a lot of protection. And I am very familiar with my breasts. Maybe that's a false security...But I am.
You write about having to be more hypervigilant, but we also have to have more fun. We need to laugh more. I don't remember who wrote the book about healing with humor. He stocked up on funny books and programs and series. He laughed himself well. I think we should use laughter as preventative medicine. There's got to be something funny every day.
I don't laugh enough...What makes me laugh? Irma Bombeck. Whose Line Is It. My grandson, and the others - all of my grandkids.
We don't get to see where this is going. We just get to go. Or we give up, sit still and wither...
Middle of the night I have been hearing sounds. At first it was moments of dissonance alternating with harmony. Now it becoming more harmonic. I feel like Earth, like male/female are coming into balance - moreso than they have been.
Thank you for the offer of the book. I will read with great interest. I read Sugar Blues by William Duffy when I was in college. I never kept sugar in the house, cooked mostly with honey. But now, I read that Americans buy much less sugar, but we eat a lot more because it is added to almost everything we eat. So I have to start eating only whole foods that I grow or I make, I guess. I am currently taking a nutrition course which is nudging me to better habits.
How is everything else at home? Calm?
Sending love and hugs,
Clare
good afternoon
Clare,
I have been thinking a lot today…
weirdly on the verge of tears…
It is funny, when I requested the genetic tests I knew they would be positive…
but when I heard the words it was such a shock.
I cannot imagine what it must feel like to hear the words, "you've got cancer". because just knowing I am one damaged cell away from cancer is making me damned uncomfortable.
I spoke with Mom…
explained it all to her.
She listened…
didn't offer much advice…
I asked her to share the information…
she said she felt inadequate to explain it…
"maybe they should all just call you"…
well, over half of them won't so maybe YOU should just take this on.
I am going to speak with a genetic counselor and then make some choices about screenings, preventive measures. I don't want to live my life any more hyper-vigilant than I already am…
I want to trust my body…
I am willing to take care of my body…
listening to it for signs of stress or disease….
and I want my kids to know their risks…
particularly the ones who are smoking and exposing themselves to carcinogens.
I was told by my reiki friend that the universe would be offering me optional paths to journey on…
I am trying to see where all of this is going.
Not sure…but searching.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I have been thinking a lot today…
weirdly on the verge of tears…
It is funny, when I requested the genetic tests I knew they would be positive…
but when I heard the words it was such a shock.
I cannot imagine what it must feel like to hear the words, "you've got cancer". because just knowing I am one damaged cell away from cancer is making me damned uncomfortable.
I spoke with Mom…
explained it all to her.
She listened…
didn't offer much advice…
I asked her to share the information…
she said she felt inadequate to explain it…
"maybe they should all just call you"…
well, over half of them won't so maybe YOU should just take this on.
I am going to speak with a genetic counselor and then make some choices about screenings, preventive measures. I don't want to live my life any more hyper-vigilant than I already am…
I want to trust my body…
I am willing to take care of my body…
listening to it for signs of stress or disease….
and I want my kids to know their risks…
particularly the ones who are smoking and exposing themselves to carcinogens.
I was told by my reiki friend that the universe would be offering me optional paths to journey on…
I am trying to see where all of this is going.
Not sure…but searching.
Love and Light,
Maggie
overdrive
Clare,
I have a book about candida overgrowth in the body that I will send to you. The candida sends signals that we NEED sugar and we allow it to trigger us to consume…more and more sugar.
I got a call from my doctor/friend last evening…
I have the CHEK2 genetic mutation…
it is the same that our cousin- fighting breast cancer has.
That means that it is familial- not just a fluke.
It also means that each of us has a 50% chance of carrying that mutation…
and if we carry it our risk of cancer increases.
I am in thought over drive.
I will be back later.
Maggie
I have a book about candida overgrowth in the body that I will send to you. The candida sends signals that we NEED sugar and we allow it to trigger us to consume…more and more sugar.
I got a call from my doctor/friend last evening…
I have the CHEK2 genetic mutation…
it is the same that our cousin- fighting breast cancer has.
That means that it is familial- not just a fluke.
It also means that each of us has a 50% chance of carrying that mutation…
and if we carry it our risk of cancer increases.
I am in thought over drive.
I will be back later.
Maggie
Monday, April 21, 2014
Sugar...
"Love equals a belly full of sugar and dough."
Your words have haunted me. Then on Easter, I watched myself. I noticed the craving the binging the too too much. In the middle of the night, lying in the dark sensing my body, I realized I am a sugar addict. I've always thought it was wheat. But it's sugar...
I talked to a classical homeopath once at a health fair. He said I needed just one does to change things...
I found an article about the effects of sugar addiction on the body...I have a lot to think about.
How have things gone with your son? Is everything in balance at your house?
I spent time in the garden today, in the bright sun. I cleared beds and planted peas and spinach and carrots and my favorite radishes.
Now I feel extremely exhausted. Sorry I'm not more profound today...
Until tomorrow...Love from Clare
Your words have haunted me. Then on Easter, I watched myself. I noticed the craving the binging the too too much. In the middle of the night, lying in the dark sensing my body, I realized I am a sugar addict. I've always thought it was wheat. But it's sugar...
I talked to a classical homeopath once at a health fair. He said I needed just one does to change things...
I found an article about the effects of sugar addiction on the body...I have a lot to think about.
How have things gone with your son? Is everything in balance at your house?
I spent time in the garden today, in the bright sun. I cleared beds and planted peas and spinach and carrots and my favorite radishes.
Now I feel extremely exhausted. Sorry I'm not more profound today...
Until tomorrow...Love from Clare
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Happy Easter
Clare,
Happy Easter.
It is evening…
everything is quiet…
for now.
The girls have returned to school.
The boys are in their respective places.
We had another incident last evening…
the oldest, who was still grounded for last week's activities, went AWOL.
He was out taking pictures when I returned from a walk about 6…
I texted him at 7 for dinner and her replied that he had left…
got a ride…
wouldn't be back until Sunday night…
and don't worry.
Well, I did worry…
but I didn't track him down the way that I usually do.
I decided (we decided) to let him come back on his own…
I told him that dinner was set for 3 pm and we'd like him back by then.
He complied…
came home about 12…
ate and retreated to his room…
he is minimally interactive but not angry…
I think he's just avoiding the inevitable conversation.
I told him that I was glad he came home, but am disappointed in his decision.
I am not sure where this is going…
but I am following my inner leading on this one…
I trust it will be correct.
I have a 90 year old friend, she rides to Meeting with me each week…
I just love having her there…
she is like the mother that I can tell the bad stuff too.
She's been through so many difficulties and joys in her life…
and she reassures me that the good, early life he had will come back to influence him…
just be patient and consistent.
She is good to me…
I trust that it will be so…
it is just so difficult to surrender to that trust.
I picked up a book tonight, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times, by Jack Kornfield. I just started it but feel it is the right thing for me at this time. He refers to "the one who knows you inside" as the guiding, still, small voice…asks you to trust it and to open the vastness of it…and possibility of blessings within the difficulties. I think I need this one.
I am going to try to have that conversation with the older son…
I'll be back tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Happy Easter.
It is evening…
everything is quiet…
for now.
The girls have returned to school.
The boys are in their respective places.
We had another incident last evening…
the oldest, who was still grounded for last week's activities, went AWOL.
He was out taking pictures when I returned from a walk about 6…
I texted him at 7 for dinner and her replied that he had left…
got a ride…
wouldn't be back until Sunday night…
and don't worry.
Well, I did worry…
but I didn't track him down the way that I usually do.
I decided (we decided) to let him come back on his own…
I told him that dinner was set for 3 pm and we'd like him back by then.
He complied…
came home about 12…
ate and retreated to his room…
he is minimally interactive but not angry…
I think he's just avoiding the inevitable conversation.
I told him that I was glad he came home, but am disappointed in his decision.
I am not sure where this is going…
but I am following my inner leading on this one…
I trust it will be correct.
I have a 90 year old friend, she rides to Meeting with me each week…
I just love having her there…
she is like the mother that I can tell the bad stuff too.
She's been through so many difficulties and joys in her life…
and she reassures me that the good, early life he had will come back to influence him…
just be patient and consistent.
She is good to me…
I trust that it will be so…
it is just so difficult to surrender to that trust.
I picked up a book tonight, A Lamp in the Darkness: Illuminating the Path Through Difficult Times, by Jack Kornfield. I just started it but feel it is the right thing for me at this time. He refers to "the one who knows you inside" as the guiding, still, small voice…asks you to trust it and to open the vastness of it…and possibility of blessings within the difficulties. I think I need this one.
I am going to try to have that conversation with the older son…
I'll be back tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Rye bread
Happy Easter,
We decorated eggs today. My eastern kids were all here, as well as my eastern grandkids. I made a zombie chicken from an egg that cracked while boiling and had some "brains" protruding. There was some photo sharing with the west coast kids.
Tomorrow everyone will be out and about on other adventures. Holidays change when children are adults. I may have my two daughters here for dinner. I'll definitely have the youngest. My granddaughter and I will spend the afternoon with a close friend. Life changes...
I don't really associate sweet rolls with holidays. I remember Mom making them occasionally, but they seem to have been more important to you. I associate the holidays more with the Swedish rye bread, in the round loaves. I usually make it for most holidays and sometimes just because. I associate it with turkey sandwiches after the big meal. Toasting it takes me back to a warm place - it is a comfort food for me. I make it with wholegrain and blackstrap - but it feels the same!
It is funny that we associate foods with holidays. Easter always reminds me that only Dad liked black jelly beans, so we used to pick all of ours out and take them to him. And it seems like no matter what the holiday, Dad would be up before dawn putting a turkey in the oven.
When I think back to Easter, I remember we each got a hollow rabbit. We each got a huge cream filled egg, then we got masses of small candy. I never gave my kids that much sugar. When I think back, I wonder how we tolerated that much. It is amazing. I gave my kids kites and sunglasses and baseball hats rather than chocolate rabbits. We really limited the candy, comparatively speaking.
I wonder how the holidays got so tied to sugar overdosing!
Swamped sweet rolls...go ahead and dunk them in your coffee. I remember Pop asking you once, while watching you dunk food, if you had to drown everything before eating it...
Have a lovely Easter Day with your family. Think loving thoughts.
Love from Clare
We decorated eggs today. My eastern kids were all here, as well as my eastern grandkids. I made a zombie chicken from an egg that cracked while boiling and had some "brains" protruding. There was some photo sharing with the west coast kids.
Tomorrow everyone will be out and about on other adventures. Holidays change when children are adults. I may have my two daughters here for dinner. I'll definitely have the youngest. My granddaughter and I will spend the afternoon with a close friend. Life changes...
I don't really associate sweet rolls with holidays. I remember Mom making them occasionally, but they seem to have been more important to you. I associate the holidays more with the Swedish rye bread, in the round loaves. I usually make it for most holidays and sometimes just because. I associate it with turkey sandwiches after the big meal. Toasting it takes me back to a warm place - it is a comfort food for me. I make it with wholegrain and blackstrap - but it feels the same!
It is funny that we associate foods with holidays. Easter always reminds me that only Dad liked black jelly beans, so we used to pick all of ours out and take them to him. And it seems like no matter what the holiday, Dad would be up before dawn putting a turkey in the oven.
When I think back to Easter, I remember we each got a hollow rabbit. We each got a huge cream filled egg, then we got masses of small candy. I never gave my kids that much sugar. When I think back, I wonder how we tolerated that much. It is amazing. I gave my kids kites and sunglasses and baseball hats rather than chocolate rabbits. We really limited the candy, comparatively speaking.
I wonder how the holidays got so tied to sugar overdosing!
Swamped sweet rolls...go ahead and dunk them in your coffee. I remember Pop asking you once, while watching you dunk food, if you had to drown everything before eating it...
Have a lovely Easter Day with your family. Think loving thoughts.
Love from Clare
Sweet rolls…my holiday tradition
I am trying hard to take care of myself…
but in usual fashion I am helping others to make myself feel better.
I have cooked 2 meals for friends who are having health problems…
and I am unable to eat much at all…
it is OK…
I have plenty stored at my mid-section for just such a crisis…
but it is ironic.
I am feeling better this morning.
I have less pain, less ringing, less dizziness.
So, I am healing.
I worry that I am infectious…
or, even worse, offensive to others.
I worry that my mouth smells of decay because the membranes are ulcerated and sore.
I asked husband…
he assured me that it was not so…
but he has very poor sense of smell, so he can't be trusted.
My girls will be home today.
We will all have a bit of time together.
I just pray it is peaceful.
I am about to make the sweet rolls…
mom's recipe…
a tradition on Christmas and Easter in our house.
It isn't a holiday without those.
I think back to how much I enjoyed those when I was growing up.
I associate them with special times…
and gorging myself…
we probably didn't get more than 2 rolls a piece because there were so many of us…
but I remember being filled with them.
They make me feel the love that I wish I had on a daily basis.
so love equals a belly full of sugar and dough.
What do they bring back for you?
The swamp has become our fertile field…
finding ourselves…
and our children…
and hopefully our siblings…
and ancestors.
It was scary at the beginning…
but now seems as if it is home.
The alligator protecting us in there…
even if we don't see her.
Maybe she's making us some sweet rolls in the swamp.
Love and Light,
Maggie
but in usual fashion I am helping others to make myself feel better.
I have cooked 2 meals for friends who are having health problems…
and I am unable to eat much at all…
it is OK…
I have plenty stored at my mid-section for just such a crisis…
but it is ironic.
I am feeling better this morning.
I have less pain, less ringing, less dizziness.
So, I am healing.
I worry that I am infectious…
or, even worse, offensive to others.
I worry that my mouth smells of decay because the membranes are ulcerated and sore.
I asked husband…
he assured me that it was not so…
but he has very poor sense of smell, so he can't be trusted.
My girls will be home today.
We will all have a bit of time together.
I just pray it is peaceful.
I am about to make the sweet rolls…
mom's recipe…
a tradition on Christmas and Easter in our house.
It isn't a holiday without those.
I think back to how much I enjoyed those when I was growing up.
I associate them with special times…
and gorging myself…
we probably didn't get more than 2 rolls a piece because there were so many of us…
but I remember being filled with them.
They make me feel the love that I wish I had on a daily basis.
so love equals a belly full of sugar and dough.
What do they bring back for you?
The swamp has become our fertile field…
finding ourselves…
and our children…
and hopefully our siblings…
and ancestors.
It was scary at the beginning…
but now seems as if it is home.
The alligator protecting us in there…
even if we don't see her.
Maybe she's making us some sweet rolls in the swamp.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Friday, April 18, 2014
splashing
Honey,
You have my sympathy. You have my love. You have my support anyway you need it.
What you have been enduring has been difficult and painful. But you are getting answers. You are finally getting answers. You have had amazing breakthroughs with both of your sons this week. It hasn't been easy...but you have answers.
What has been so very beautiful is that as each of the boys broke down, their brother helped them. They had each other in their hearts when the pain was worst. And both broke down, reached that soft point with you. You are all being vulnerable together.
Splashing in the swamp. Maybe that's how we find each other.
Splashing in the swamp...that's when we were told to shut up and be still - and don't tell anyone - by our parents.
This hurts, but this is the walking back through the swamp we talk about. And we know it is painful and scary. We know there is always the chance of going under. But you are on solid ground under the murk.
I knew we walked back through to find ourselves, now I am learning we walk back through to find our children.
So this is Good Friday. We have to come through the dark of this day in order to achieve resurrection.
You are amazing. You are strong. You are resilient. You are alive enough to feel pain and fear.
So your sons are in the open right now. How are you? Are you taking care of yourself, too? If you were your doctor, would you be satisfied with the care you give yourself?
I am exhausted. I am going to sleep.
I love you. I honor you.
Clare
- And you're right. It's not a contest. When I said you won, I was trying to be funny - to use humor to acknowledge that you have had such a difficult week. I had hoped you would smile...
You have my sympathy. You have my love. You have my support anyway you need it.
What you have been enduring has been difficult and painful. But you are getting answers. You are finally getting answers. You have had amazing breakthroughs with both of your sons this week. It hasn't been easy...but you have answers.
What has been so very beautiful is that as each of the boys broke down, their brother helped them. They had each other in their hearts when the pain was worst. And both broke down, reached that soft point with you. You are all being vulnerable together.
Splashing in the swamp. Maybe that's how we find each other.
Splashing in the swamp...that's when we were told to shut up and be still - and don't tell anyone - by our parents.
This hurts, but this is the walking back through the swamp we talk about. And we know it is painful and scary. We know there is always the chance of going under. But you are on solid ground under the murk.
I knew we walked back through to find ourselves, now I am learning we walk back through to find our children.
So this is Good Friday. We have to come through the dark of this day in order to achieve resurrection.
You are amazing. You are strong. You are resilient. You are alive enough to feel pain and fear.
So your sons are in the open right now. How are you? Are you taking care of yourself, too? If you were your doctor, would you be satisfied with the care you give yourself?
I am exhausted. I am going to sleep.
I love you. I honor you.
Clare
- And you're right. It's not a contest. When I said you won, I was trying to be funny - to use humor to acknowledge that you have had such a difficult week. I had hoped you would smile...
Sadness
Clare,
It is Good Friday…
The saddest day of the year.
Goodness and love were mocked and killed…
and yet, they survived and grew.
Last evening I had my own Gethsemane.
That's a bit overstated, but that is what it felt like.
My youngest had a breakdown.
He spent much of the day trying to convince us that he did not deserve to be punished for sneaking out last weekend. We held firm and explained that he was going to be grounded, explained our reasons, calmly and consistently. This went on for hours.
He started yelling, cursing, threatening to runaway, take an overdose, get so intoxicated that he wouldn't care anymore.
I got re-dressed and told him we were going to the ER because he needed help …
now.
He ran out, let air out of my tires so that I couldn't drive…
I was about to call Crisis intervention...
and then we talked some more.
He finally broke down and told me how grey and flat his life seems. He said he only feels alive when he gets high or drunk. He is depressed. The whole thing is so very sad. I promised to get him some help. Maybe medications are the way to go…
maybe that is better than self-medication. I hate the idea of chemical alteration…
but anti-depressants seriously helped me…
maybe it is the answer.
The older one actually helped talk to him. He tried to show him how circular his logic was…
how he wasn't making sense. It helped to have that other voice coming through.
So, today I have to find someone to help my boys.
Someone very special who they can relate to..and yet who knows enough to choose wisely.
Hold all of us in the Light, please.
I am so very sad today.
Maggie
It is Good Friday…
The saddest day of the year.
Goodness and love were mocked and killed…
and yet, they survived and grew.
Last evening I had my own Gethsemane.
That's a bit overstated, but that is what it felt like.
My youngest had a breakdown.
He spent much of the day trying to convince us that he did not deserve to be punished for sneaking out last weekend. We held firm and explained that he was going to be grounded, explained our reasons, calmly and consistently. This went on for hours.
He started yelling, cursing, threatening to runaway, take an overdose, get so intoxicated that he wouldn't care anymore.
I got re-dressed and told him we were going to the ER because he needed help …
now.
He ran out, let air out of my tires so that I couldn't drive…
I was about to call Crisis intervention...
and then we talked some more.
He finally broke down and told me how grey and flat his life seems. He said he only feels alive when he gets high or drunk. He is depressed. The whole thing is so very sad. I promised to get him some help. Maybe medications are the way to go…
maybe that is better than self-medication. I hate the idea of chemical alteration…
but anti-depressants seriously helped me…
maybe it is the answer.
The older one actually helped talk to him. He tried to show him how circular his logic was…
how he wasn't making sense. It helped to have that other voice coming through.
So, today I have to find someone to help my boys.
Someone very special who they can relate to..and yet who knows enough to choose wisely.
Hold all of us in the Light, please.
I am so very sad today.
Maggie
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Shield removed...
How are you feeling? Are you resting?
Had a moment today...thinking about forgiving myself. I flashed back to a moment when I allowed shame to prevent me from connecting with someone. I felt ripped inside, but I allowed shame to silence me. I succumbed to the panic within.
I became aware and tried to forgive. I felt a shield lift off of my back. It was more embedded in my back. It sort of fit my shoulders.
It lifted and I felt vulnerable, absolutely unprotected.
I am exhausted. I will check back tomorrow.
Love from Clare.
Sweet dreams...
Had a moment today...thinking about forgiving myself. I flashed back to a moment when I allowed shame to prevent me from connecting with someone. I felt ripped inside, but I allowed shame to silence me. I succumbed to the panic within.
I became aware and tried to forgive. I felt a shield lift off of my back. It was more embedded in my back. It sort of fit my shoulders.
It lifted and I felt vulnerable, absolutely unprotected.
I am exhausted. I will check back tomorrow.
Love from Clare.
Sweet dreams...
I'll be grounded tomorrow
Clare,
This isn't a contest.
I didn't stay home today, I just made sure that I didn't come into contact with anyone susceptible.
Tomorrow I will be home most of the day to rest.
Yes, older son has seen my reiki friend…loved it.
He cannot wait to go back.
He is scheduled again this week.
She has promised to teach hime to astral travel if he sticks with her for a while…
long enough to get cleared and his grids strong.
We are still waiting to hear from the traditional psychologist…
and the referral for the school program is being worked on.
All in all a very quiet week with him.
The younger one is quite mad at me again…
he is back to "only having one parent…Dad".
He gets mad because I am more honest with him…
but he deserves honesty.
Dad tells him he's grounded, but won't say how long…
I tell him it's through the weekend and I am the big, bad mommy.
I am getting more and more familiar with his manipulative tactics…
less and less hurt by them.
Listening to his logic is actually really amusing…
he tries to confuse the actual issue…
make me think he was being chivalrous instead of impulsive and dishonest.
Life is good.
My mouth hurts…
eating is a painful experience…
but maybe it will keep me away from the easter candy…
looking for a silver lining.
No new lesions today…so I hope the steroids and meds are taking care of it.
I had a lot of pain at my left nostril opening…
a little redness…
but it went away after the afternoon dose of the meds…
that's good.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
This isn't a contest.
I didn't stay home today, I just made sure that I didn't come into contact with anyone susceptible.
Tomorrow I will be home most of the day to rest.
Yes, older son has seen my reiki friend…loved it.
He cannot wait to go back.
He is scheduled again this week.
She has promised to teach hime to astral travel if he sticks with her for a while…
long enough to get cleared and his grids strong.
We are still waiting to hear from the traditional psychologist…
and the referral for the school program is being worked on.
All in all a very quiet week with him.
The younger one is quite mad at me again…
he is back to "only having one parent…Dad".
He gets mad because I am more honest with him…
but he deserves honesty.
Dad tells him he's grounded, but won't say how long…
I tell him it's through the weekend and I am the big, bad mommy.
I am getting more and more familiar with his manipulative tactics…
less and less hurt by them.
Listening to his logic is actually really amusing…
he tries to confuse the actual issue…
make me think he was being chivalrous instead of impulsive and dishonest.
Life is good.
My mouth hurts…
eating is a painful experience…
but maybe it will keep me away from the easter candy…
looking for a silver lining.
No new lesions today…so I hope the steroids and meds are taking care of it.
I had a lot of pain at my left nostril opening…
a little redness…
but it went away after the afternoon dose of the meds…
that's good.
I will check in tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
You win
I have learned that when I am sick my body has a message for me. "Go to bed. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Go directly to bed." And now you are grounded. You have my sympathy. You may have just won the prize for suckiest week.
I have never heard of Herpes oticus. I'll store this for future reference.
I have no idea what to do about the lying. But being in that line at the pharmacy at that time was divine intervention!
Has Son #2 visited the Reiki healer yet? She's going to be so much a part of the family by the time you're done.
Slept last night, after several nights of not sleeping. Made it so hard to get up this morning. Still working with the infant-self...
So, the strange thoughts of the day came from watching two videos. I watched one of elephants being presented with a mirror for the first time. They showed deep signs of being self aware, of being a separate individual. That is supposed to be unusual. But I truly believe the dogs and cats I have known understand they are individuals and separate/distinct from others of their species. And as parents, they love their babes, mourn their losses. I had a cat carry around a dead kitten for several days before she gave up...
But it went on to say that elephants could learn to solve problems as a team, which was surmised as the basis of spirituality. The final question was, do animals, specifically elephants, have a sort of spiritual life?
The other video that caught my attention was of sled dogs interacting and playing with polar bears. It reminded me of a short documentary I watched with my grandson about cheetahs and gazelles. The cheetahs walk among the gazelles and all are serene. The problems come only when the cheetah is hungry. Then the gazelles run.
I got this sense of...well, Hicks' painting of the lion and the lamb. I got this sense that when humans aren't looking and the predators are not hungry, things are peaceful. It is only us, and our fear, and our expectations, and our lack of understanding that creates a sense of the beast and the violence of nature...
Long day. I hope you can take time off and truly relax. If you need to talk, I'm here.
With love from Clare
I have never heard of Herpes oticus. I'll store this for future reference.
I have no idea what to do about the lying. But being in that line at the pharmacy at that time was divine intervention!
Has Son #2 visited the Reiki healer yet? She's going to be so much a part of the family by the time you're done.
Slept last night, after several nights of not sleeping. Made it so hard to get up this morning. Still working with the infant-self...
So, the strange thoughts of the day came from watching two videos. I watched one of elephants being presented with a mirror for the first time. They showed deep signs of being self aware, of being a separate individual. That is supposed to be unusual. But I truly believe the dogs and cats I have known understand they are individuals and separate/distinct from others of their species. And as parents, they love their babes, mourn their losses. I had a cat carry around a dead kitten for several days before she gave up...
But it went on to say that elephants could learn to solve problems as a team, which was surmised as the basis of spirituality. The final question was, do animals, specifically elephants, have a sort of spiritual life?
The other video that caught my attention was of sled dogs interacting and playing with polar bears. It reminded me of a short documentary I watched with my grandson about cheetahs and gazelles. The cheetahs walk among the gazelles and all are serene. The problems come only when the cheetah is hungry. Then the gazelles run.
I got this sense of...well, Hicks' painting of the lion and the lamb. I got this sense that when humans aren't looking and the predators are not hungry, things are peaceful. It is only us, and our fear, and our expectations, and our lack of understanding that creates a sense of the beast and the violence of nature...
Long day. I hope you can take time off and truly relax. If you need to talk, I'm here.
With love from Clare
Herpes Oticus…grounded
Clare,
Ok the stress has caught up with me…
I developed blisters inside my mouth today, only on the left side…
that, in addition to the ringing in my ears for the past 5 days has earned me a diagnosis of
Herpes Oticus…
aka Ramsey Hunt Syndrome.
It also earned me 9 days of steroids and a week of an anti-viral.
I have to be compliant or I might end up with deafness or facial paralysis…
sounds lovely, doesn't it?
I already have mild hearing loss in the left ear from this…hopefully it will come back.
Stress sucks…and I must be internalizing it.
I need to exercise more…
meditate more…
give myself a break.
So, I was standing in the pharmacy waiting for my meds and one of my youngest's friends' moms was there. She mentioned it was so nice seeing son#2 on Saturday night.
The interesting thing is that he was grounded on Saturday night…
asleep in bed…
so we thought…
that was the night his brother was caught smoking in his room.
It's laughable…
and yet it isn't.
I am not sure what to do…
Keep 'em alive 'til 25!
Anyway, I missed my lecture tonight…
my "me too" lecture.
I was giving part of a talk about child abuse…
self-esteem and cycles of abuse…
I was going to talk about the need to break the silence…
step up, say "me too", and reclaim your power…
but that will have to wait.
Obviously the universe has a different plan.
I just wish I could figure it out.
Oh well, forced time at home…
a good alternative…
I'm grounded.
Love and Light.
Maggie
Ok the stress has caught up with me…
I developed blisters inside my mouth today, only on the left side…
that, in addition to the ringing in my ears for the past 5 days has earned me a diagnosis of
Herpes Oticus…
aka Ramsey Hunt Syndrome.
It also earned me 9 days of steroids and a week of an anti-viral.
I have to be compliant or I might end up with deafness or facial paralysis…
sounds lovely, doesn't it?
I already have mild hearing loss in the left ear from this…hopefully it will come back.
Stress sucks…and I must be internalizing it.
I need to exercise more…
meditate more…
give myself a break.
So, I was standing in the pharmacy waiting for my meds and one of my youngest's friends' moms was there. She mentioned it was so nice seeing son#2 on Saturday night.
The interesting thing is that he was grounded on Saturday night…
asleep in bed…
so we thought…
that was the night his brother was caught smoking in his room.
It's laughable…
and yet it isn't.
I am not sure what to do…
Keep 'em alive 'til 25!
Anyway, I missed my lecture tonight…
my "me too" lecture.
I was giving part of a talk about child abuse…
self-esteem and cycles of abuse…
I was going to talk about the need to break the silence…
step up, say "me too", and reclaim your power…
but that will have to wait.
Obviously the universe has a different plan.
I just wish I could figure it out.
Oh well, forced time at home…
a good alternative…
I'm grounded.
Love and Light.
Maggie
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Nice work!
I saw your son's photo. Nice work!
And nice work taking him to the Reiki healer. That is part of my general advice...go get help. Therapy, 12 Steps, Reiki - it doesn't matter. Just start somewhere and see what opens next. Then trust that step.
I haven't been sleeping. I am blaming it on the eclipse. I am blaming everything on the eclipse! But my neighbor called with a long list of problems, and I have seen relationship disruptions...
I don't know...
Still reading the ACoA book. It goes into a nice explanation of the ways our bodies and genetics change as we experience trauma. So when you ask about your children's inability to trust, I suppose it's like asking which came first - the chicken or the egg. And I am beginning to think it doesn't matter. Too much analysis slows us down. My opinion will probably change tomorrow! The big fat elephant in the room is how do we learn to trust. Because if our lack of trust shows up in our offspring, then so will our learning to trust.
Right?
It just seems positive changes should flow through the family as readily as negative, destructive ones.
Or is this like dieting...you eat healthy and feel better, but one taste of chocolate and all the good is shot to hell. Why is healthy so hard and unhealthy so easy to fall into. It has something to do with the pleasure of addiction, of addictive substances. They draw us in so quickly...Is this real? Is this natural?
I'm not sure.
I'm also not sure if I am making sense, because I am so tired.
Glad things are evening out at your house.
Sending love,
Clare
And nice work taking him to the Reiki healer. That is part of my general advice...go get help. Therapy, 12 Steps, Reiki - it doesn't matter. Just start somewhere and see what opens next. Then trust that step.
I haven't been sleeping. I am blaming it on the eclipse. I am blaming everything on the eclipse! But my neighbor called with a long list of problems, and I have seen relationship disruptions...
I don't know...
Still reading the ACoA book. It goes into a nice explanation of the ways our bodies and genetics change as we experience trauma. So when you ask about your children's inability to trust, I suppose it's like asking which came first - the chicken or the egg. And I am beginning to think it doesn't matter. Too much analysis slows us down. My opinion will probably change tomorrow! The big fat elephant in the room is how do we learn to trust. Because if our lack of trust shows up in our offspring, then so will our learning to trust.
Right?
It just seems positive changes should flow through the family as readily as negative, destructive ones.
Or is this like dieting...you eat healthy and feel better, but one taste of chocolate and all the good is shot to hell. Why is healthy so hard and unhealthy so easy to fall into. It has something to do with the pleasure of addiction, of addictive substances. They draw us in so quickly...Is this real? Is this natural?
I'm not sure.
I'm also not sure if I am making sense, because I am so tired.
Glad things are evening out at your house.
Sending love,
Clare
Monday, April 14, 2014
peace within the chaos
Clare,
I am having a quiet day…but a hectic week.
Thank goodness I am Quaker and I don't have to do much for Easter- we've gone to a communal basket at this point.
I am giving a lecture Wednesday at Elizabethtown College and Thursday at Alvernia College…
Daughter #2 is in a play this week so that will be my Friday evening...
so I will be running around a lot this week.
I took my older son to the reiki healer today…
he is very enthusiastic about it…
he likes her a lot and she gave him some valuable insights about himself.
I stayed outside, but he was sharing the experience all the way home.
I hope this helps…I trust that it will.
Two of my children have now been told that they lack genuine trust in others…
I taught them that lesson too well I guess.
We talked about that on our drive home as well.
I apologized for making him afraid to let others close…
because I was terrified that someone would hurt my children I taught them to not trust others.
Somehow I wonder if nature or nurture is at play…
are they genetically programmed, by my experiences, or did they learn mistrust from watching me work through life?
My son keeps coming down talking about how much clearer his thinking is after the reiki…
he wants to go back…soon.
Yes!
I will check in tomorrow. Take it easy in the snow/ice balls.
Love and Light.
Maggie
I am having a quiet day…but a hectic week.
Thank goodness I am Quaker and I don't have to do much for Easter- we've gone to a communal basket at this point.
I am giving a lecture Wednesday at Elizabethtown College and Thursday at Alvernia College…
Daughter #2 is in a play this week so that will be my Friday evening...
so I will be running around a lot this week.
I took my older son to the reiki healer today…
he is very enthusiastic about it…
he likes her a lot and she gave him some valuable insights about himself.
I stayed outside, but he was sharing the experience all the way home.
I hope this helps…I trust that it will.
Two of my children have now been told that they lack genuine trust in others…
I taught them that lesson too well I guess.
We talked about that on our drive home as well.
I apologized for making him afraid to let others close…
because I was terrified that someone would hurt my children I taught them to not trust others.
Somehow I wonder if nature or nurture is at play…
are they genetically programmed, by my experiences, or did they learn mistrust from watching me work through life?
My son keeps coming down talking about how much clearer his thinking is after the reiki…
he wants to go back…soon.
Yes!
I will check in tomorrow. Take it easy in the snow/ice balls.
Love and Light.
Maggie
Eclipse
And it's here. The eclipse is tonight. We were hit with a quick, violent downpour late this afternoon. The temps are supposed to drop rapidly tomorrow, giving us the gift of frozen ice balls then snow. Snow!! Again. I suppose I am relieved that my flowers have not blossomed yet.
My middle-of-the-night baby-self is still with me. She has very dark circles under her eyes - like a sick or allergic child. I remember Grandma always had bags under her eyes. I have them, too. By Chinese facial diagnosis, it means weak kidneys. Kidneys are tied to the will to live.
For some reason, I have been thinking about the end of her life, when she was blind and deaf. She really checked out as much as possible. The possibility frightens me...
How are things at your house?
In typical American fashion, I got low on groceries and started making a grocery list. It suddenly hit me how unsustainable that is. When the kids were young, when we had the farm, I had a productive veggie garden. My best year I canned and froze enough vegetables to get us to February. That was not good enough.
If everything is going to break down, the systems are going to collapse, we have to be able to eat all year round...
I'm taking a course on the Nordic diet. They are asking us to eat less meat, more vegetables, more berries and roots. They are encouraging us to forage for a percentage of our food. (I need to learn the mushrooms around me...) And we need to eat more nuts.
I'm thinking about gourmet peasant food!
Good luck getting through the eclipse. I'll catch you tomorrow!
Sending love and Light,
Clare
My middle-of-the-night baby-self is still with me. She has very dark circles under her eyes - like a sick or allergic child. I remember Grandma always had bags under her eyes. I have them, too. By Chinese facial diagnosis, it means weak kidneys. Kidneys are tied to the will to live.
For some reason, I have been thinking about the end of her life, when she was blind and deaf. She really checked out as much as possible. The possibility frightens me...
How are things at your house?
In typical American fashion, I got low on groceries and started making a grocery list. It suddenly hit me how unsustainable that is. When the kids were young, when we had the farm, I had a productive veggie garden. My best year I canned and froze enough vegetables to get us to February. That was not good enough.
If everything is going to break down, the systems are going to collapse, we have to be able to eat all year round...
I'm taking a course on the Nordic diet. They are asking us to eat less meat, more vegetables, more berries and roots. They are encouraging us to forage for a percentage of our food. (I need to learn the mushrooms around me...) And we need to eat more nuts.
I'm thinking about gourmet peasant food!
Good luck getting through the eclipse. I'll catch you tomorrow!
Sending love and Light,
Clare
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Croning
Trust...just trust. Choose a counselor you trust, and follow their requests. If they want to see you as a group, you go as a group. If they want to see just the parents or just the sons...do it. If the counselor wants to see any of you individually - do it. Don't try to out-think or over-control the program.
You are all stepping out into the Light. Don't retreat.
I haven't talked about it, but I have been having fairly regular talks with my son and his wife. They are also stepping out into the Light. I think it's blinding and terrifying. For everyone! For them, for your sons maybe, it's like healing frostbite. After tissue is frozen, normal healthy temperatures burn.
Maybe it's this eclipse...it's a doozy...
The intersection of your family awakening and the pain involved and the opening up of my son and his wife...writing here about my ex's lies and his lifestyle...looking at some of the family patterns I see with my kids, and saw with my in-laws and comparing it all to us, our family of origin...
This morning I was furious. I was livid, absolutely furious with my parents-in-law, my ex and with our parents.
I was remembering Mom and Dad taking the little girls to their summer cabin on the creek and leaving you and S#3 in a party house with older teens. You were not protected - none of you were protected. Then, later, Mom scolding and berating S#3 for flirting with Aunt J's husband. Mom basically accused S#3 of being a whore. She allowed her child to be sexually abused, then labeled her. I was so mad. I am so mad.
I had a middle of the night experience again - the first in a long time. Ever since your Reiki healer told us to work first on forgiving ourselves, I have been scanning myself at night, looking for frozen places. Last night I found a round thing - like a bowling ball. I started to open it up and it was an infant, and it was me. As I stretched the legs, the infant panicked and grabbed my shoulder where it joins my neck and tried to climb inside of me. She was clawing and biting and her eyes were wide with terror.
I soothed her, held her close, but refused to let her climb back in. She is now allowing me to cradle her and nurture her, but her eyes are still terror.
What happened to us?
I will hold you and your family in the Light. I will surround you with as much love as I can muster. Please do the same for your godson.
We will get through this. We will get through this together and we will be a better family for it. Your sons will thrive, as will mine.
The Crone has spoken...with love...and with maternal authority!!!
I love you, I wish I could hug you...
Clare
You are all stepping out into the Light. Don't retreat.
I haven't talked about it, but I have been having fairly regular talks with my son and his wife. They are also stepping out into the Light. I think it's blinding and terrifying. For everyone! For them, for your sons maybe, it's like healing frostbite. After tissue is frozen, normal healthy temperatures burn.
Maybe it's this eclipse...it's a doozy...
The intersection of your family awakening and the pain involved and the opening up of my son and his wife...writing here about my ex's lies and his lifestyle...looking at some of the family patterns I see with my kids, and saw with my in-laws and comparing it all to us, our family of origin...
This morning I was furious. I was livid, absolutely furious with my parents-in-law, my ex and with our parents.
I was remembering Mom and Dad taking the little girls to their summer cabin on the creek and leaving you and S#3 in a party house with older teens. You were not protected - none of you were protected. Then, later, Mom scolding and berating S#3 for flirting with Aunt J's husband. Mom basically accused S#3 of being a whore. She allowed her child to be sexually abused, then labeled her. I was so mad. I am so mad.
I had a middle of the night experience again - the first in a long time. Ever since your Reiki healer told us to work first on forgiving ourselves, I have been scanning myself at night, looking for frozen places. Last night I found a round thing - like a bowling ball. I started to open it up and it was an infant, and it was me. As I stretched the legs, the infant panicked and grabbed my shoulder where it joins my neck and tried to climb inside of me. She was clawing and biting and her eyes were wide with terror.
I soothed her, held her close, but refused to let her climb back in. She is now allowing me to cradle her and nurture her, but her eyes are still terror.
What happened to us?
I will hold you and your family in the Light. I will surround you with as much love as I can muster. Please do the same for your godson.
We will get through this. We will get through this together and we will be a better family for it. Your sons will thrive, as will mine.
The Crone has spoken...with love...and with maternal authority!!!
I love you, I wish I could hug you...
Clare
Processing...
Clare,
It is quiet in my house. I am the only person awake, I love this time. I think it will do me good to organize my thoughts and emotions on this wall. Forgive me if I "TMI" you. I am just trying to process all of this.
Last evening I took my older son to buy an "e-cigarette"…the kind that delivers nicotine without the smoke and other chemicals. We negotiated that he can taper the nicotine for 2 weeks and then I will purchase flavored refills that have no nicotine so that he can continue the action until he no longer needs it. I think that's fair and reasonable.
I spoke with his guidance counselor yesterday, told him what is going on…it explains his disruptive behaviors in school since January…and his threat to become even more unruly in school if we force him into drug and alcohol counseling. We agreed to have hime evaluated through the school's Student Assistance Program (SAP) and see what their recommendations are. I am also reaching out to a local psychologist and my Reiki healer.
Last evening he and I had a 2 hour window to talk…no one else at home…
it was really good.
He told me about his daily pot habit…but he is still convinced that it doesn't effect his life in any way.
He's driving high.
He only socializes with other users.
He has lost interest in his future…
but it hasn't affected him.
He told me he has used LSD, cocaine, meth, mollys…
but only to try them…
he isn't using them regularly. But that's what he said about pot 6 months ago.
He cried telling me that a former friend is a meth addict and has almost killed another friend with the meth…and has introduced kids as young as eighth grade to meth…he wants to hurt this young man…He believes the authorities are watching this guys activities and will arrest him very soon.
His best friend just left home because of this same battle over drugs, lying, stealing…
I don't ever want my kids to feel that "eighteen and you're out of my house" feeling…
but, then again, I don't want drugs in my house.
This guys parents are furious, frightened and confused…
They offer him rehab and he chooses to leave because the drugs are stronger than the love.
How does that happen?
How do they forget all of the love and caring that we've given them over the years because being high feels good?
Why can't they just see what they are choosing?
Skinny, toothless, strung-out, apathetic, empty existence over a life of challenges and triumphs.
I just don't see it.
He went on a field trip on Thursday…to New Hope, PA.
A very artsy place. He came back more balanced.
The art teacher invited him to take a special class for portfolio preparation next year…
and he responded…he found a spark inside… he signed up for the class yesterday.
I feel as if that's a break through.
This teacher is a buddhist, very well respected, cool but consistently firm, respectful.
Perhaps the universe will see it good to have him work closely with my son, be a role model.
Please, please, please let that be.
My youngest is really upset. He has gone from combative to supportive in a day. He is losing sleep because of all of this.
He is confronting his brother in his lies…
calling on him to be truthful…
pushing him to see reality…
all the while his brother belittles him, calls him terrible names, and says he hates him.
The youngest knows it is the drugs talking, and he is coming to see that ugly reality- up close and personal. He also knows that what he is doing is necessary and good. The youngest gave me a pack of cigarettes and told me he would never smoke cigarettes again. He listened when I told him our family history of cancer. I am encouraged that some of what I say is getting into their brains…it may take a few days, but eventually they get it.
We are trying to set up family counseling, both boys are resistant…they'd rather tell their "shit" to a stranger without us there…not sure where to go with that.
I know that this too shall pass. I trust that we will come out of this stronger than we went into it. But, what if we lose him along the way? I am not sure that I could handle that. I've protected them from the ugly, violent war for so long…I can't stop protecting now.
I have to surrender and follow the guidance that is coming to me. By reaching out I have opened lines of communication…now I have to trust that the right messages will be sent and received.
I love you…
As always thanks for listening/reading
Love and Light,
Maggie
It is quiet in my house. I am the only person awake, I love this time. I think it will do me good to organize my thoughts and emotions on this wall. Forgive me if I "TMI" you. I am just trying to process all of this.
Last evening I took my older son to buy an "e-cigarette"…the kind that delivers nicotine without the smoke and other chemicals. We negotiated that he can taper the nicotine for 2 weeks and then I will purchase flavored refills that have no nicotine so that he can continue the action until he no longer needs it. I think that's fair and reasonable.
I spoke with his guidance counselor yesterday, told him what is going on…it explains his disruptive behaviors in school since January…and his threat to become even more unruly in school if we force him into drug and alcohol counseling. We agreed to have hime evaluated through the school's Student Assistance Program (SAP) and see what their recommendations are. I am also reaching out to a local psychologist and my Reiki healer.
Last evening he and I had a 2 hour window to talk…no one else at home…
it was really good.
He told me about his daily pot habit…but he is still convinced that it doesn't effect his life in any way.
He's driving high.
He only socializes with other users.
He has lost interest in his future…
but it hasn't affected him.
He told me he has used LSD, cocaine, meth, mollys…
but only to try them…
he isn't using them regularly. But that's what he said about pot 6 months ago.
He cried telling me that a former friend is a meth addict and has almost killed another friend with the meth…and has introduced kids as young as eighth grade to meth…he wants to hurt this young man…He believes the authorities are watching this guys activities and will arrest him very soon.
His best friend just left home because of this same battle over drugs, lying, stealing…
I don't ever want my kids to feel that "eighteen and you're out of my house" feeling…
but, then again, I don't want drugs in my house.
This guys parents are furious, frightened and confused…
They offer him rehab and he chooses to leave because the drugs are stronger than the love.
How does that happen?
How do they forget all of the love and caring that we've given them over the years because being high feels good?
Why can't they just see what they are choosing?
Skinny, toothless, strung-out, apathetic, empty existence over a life of challenges and triumphs.
I just don't see it.
He went on a field trip on Thursday…to New Hope, PA.
A very artsy place. He came back more balanced.
The art teacher invited him to take a special class for portfolio preparation next year…
and he responded…he found a spark inside… he signed up for the class yesterday.
I feel as if that's a break through.
This teacher is a buddhist, very well respected, cool but consistently firm, respectful.
Perhaps the universe will see it good to have him work closely with my son, be a role model.
Please, please, please let that be.
My youngest is really upset. He has gone from combative to supportive in a day. He is losing sleep because of all of this.
He is confronting his brother in his lies…
calling on him to be truthful…
pushing him to see reality…
all the while his brother belittles him, calls him terrible names, and says he hates him.
The youngest knows it is the drugs talking, and he is coming to see that ugly reality- up close and personal. He also knows that what he is doing is necessary and good. The youngest gave me a pack of cigarettes and told me he would never smoke cigarettes again. He listened when I told him our family history of cancer. I am encouraged that some of what I say is getting into their brains…it may take a few days, but eventually they get it.
We are trying to set up family counseling, both boys are resistant…they'd rather tell their "shit" to a stranger without us there…not sure where to go with that.
I know that this too shall pass. I trust that we will come out of this stronger than we went into it. But, what if we lose him along the way? I am not sure that I could handle that. I've protected them from the ugly, violent war for so long…I can't stop protecting now.
I have to surrender and follow the guidance that is coming to me. By reaching out I have opened lines of communication…now I have to trust that the right messages will be sent and received.
I love you…
As always thanks for listening/reading
Love and Light,
Maggie
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Keep moving forward
I don't see martial arts as fighting as a sport. I see a lot of self discipline and learning to defend self by remaining composed and in charge of self, but not fighting for the fun of it. It could move him toward Eastern philosophies, which could be a big benefit. I see this decision as having a lot of potential good. I just hope the trainer is a good fit for your son. If your son respects him, this could be great.
I feel so narrow-minded. Of course AlAnon. It saved my life. I think only in terms of marital type relationships, though. But when I went there were people with many different relationships - including parental. It is worth it. It is painful. But it is worth it.
This is part of our family swamp. Just as we were trapped by what was inflicted on us by Dad's family, by Mom's family, our children are trying to survive in the same swamp. Different generations seem to be at different levels. But that doesn't keep any one of us from diving deep sometimes.
And maybe you're not treading water. Maybe you're actually in a place where you are touching bottom. Maybe you're a little more stable than you think
There is an eclipse coming. I always expect something big like this. Now it can change. You have an opening to change to come in.
Dreamed last night that B#2's sexual assault on S#3 come back to memory. It was graphic and nauseating. And they were both, as adults, not making eye contact with anyone, but very aware of what happened, and aware that those of us on the sideline were equally aware.
I bough an ACOA book for my son and his wife. But I'm going to read it first. I'll report if I find anything pertinent.
I am holding you in the Light and sending lots of love. Please keep me posted. Trust yourself and keep moving forward.
Love from Clare
I feel so narrow-minded. Of course AlAnon. It saved my life. I think only in terms of marital type relationships, though. But when I went there were people with many different relationships - including parental. It is worth it. It is painful. But it is worth it.
This is part of our family swamp. Just as we were trapped by what was inflicted on us by Dad's family, by Mom's family, our children are trying to survive in the same swamp. Different generations seem to be at different levels. But that doesn't keep any one of us from diving deep sometimes.
And maybe you're not treading water. Maybe you're actually in a place where you are touching bottom. Maybe you're a little more stable than you think
There is an eclipse coming. I always expect something big like this. Now it can change. You have an opening to change to come in.
Dreamed last night that B#2's sexual assault on S#3 come back to memory. It was graphic and nauseating. And they were both, as adults, not making eye contact with anyone, but very aware of what happened, and aware that those of us on the sideline were equally aware.
I bough an ACOA book for my son and his wife. But I'm going to read it first. I'll report if I find anything pertinent.
I am holding you in the Light and sending lots of love. Please keep me posted. Trust yourself and keep moving forward.
Love from Clare
Treading water in the swamp
Clare,
Talk about a roller coaster.
So, the youngest is talking to me again. Turns out he went into the woods with the intention of getting really drunk- just to specifically upset me.
He woke late yesterday, so I took him to school late and we talked. He doesn't understand my reluctance to give him the OK to use alcohol and pot…despite explaining it as best I am able he just doesn't get me.
We are going to start family counseling and allow him to do MMA (mixed martial arts) run by a local police chief who has a great reputation for valuing discipline and respect. I hate that he will be fighting as sport, but feel it is an avenue to channel the energy he has overflowing in him right now.
The older son is really concerning me now. It turns out his drug usage is much more than we thought and he is experimenting with some dangerous stuff. He doesn't think he has a problem, but lying, stealing and using illegal substances is a problem. I am trying to find a drug and alcohol program that he will go to…but he has to be willing to go…they all require that he make the initial phone call. They say that it's a waste of time unless he wants to change. I have also messaged my reiki friend to see if she has any experience in this type of problem.
I am afraid of losing him- but the reality is that he is choosing to be lost. He thinks we are the enemy, trying to make his life boring and menial…and that his drug-using friends are looking out for him.
The drugs have really skewed his perception.
I spoke with a recovering addict yesterday who suggested Alanon…he said it would give me better insight and direction. I think I will make that step. This is really frightening…but I am not hiding from the reality of all of this…at least I am trying to not hide.
I am trying to find a place of peace inside…to tap into my core and find that balance and peace.
This is a different swamp…
one of my own making…
maybe an alcove of our bigger swamp?
All I know is that it is really hard to navigate it…
I know that letting him make a deal to get out of treatment is what allowed this to progress…
so I have to be strong.
At least I am treading water…for now.
Love and Light
Maggie
Talk about a roller coaster.
So, the youngest is talking to me again. Turns out he went into the woods with the intention of getting really drunk- just to specifically upset me.
He woke late yesterday, so I took him to school late and we talked. He doesn't understand my reluctance to give him the OK to use alcohol and pot…despite explaining it as best I am able he just doesn't get me.
We are going to start family counseling and allow him to do MMA (mixed martial arts) run by a local police chief who has a great reputation for valuing discipline and respect. I hate that he will be fighting as sport, but feel it is an avenue to channel the energy he has overflowing in him right now.
The older son is really concerning me now. It turns out his drug usage is much more than we thought and he is experimenting with some dangerous stuff. He doesn't think he has a problem, but lying, stealing and using illegal substances is a problem. I am trying to find a drug and alcohol program that he will go to…but he has to be willing to go…they all require that he make the initial phone call. They say that it's a waste of time unless he wants to change. I have also messaged my reiki friend to see if she has any experience in this type of problem.
I am afraid of losing him- but the reality is that he is choosing to be lost. He thinks we are the enemy, trying to make his life boring and menial…and that his drug-using friends are looking out for him.
The drugs have really skewed his perception.
I spoke with a recovering addict yesterday who suggested Alanon…he said it would give me better insight and direction. I think I will make that step. This is really frightening…but I am not hiding from the reality of all of this…at least I am trying to not hide.
I am trying to find a place of peace inside…to tap into my core and find that balance and peace.
This is a different swamp…
one of my own making…
maybe an alcove of our bigger swamp?
All I know is that it is really hard to navigate it…
I know that letting him make a deal to get out of treatment is what allowed this to progress…
so I have to be strong.
At least I am treading water…for now.
Love and Light
Maggie
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Until tomorrow
Long day…
many twists and turns…
I will write about it tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
many twists and turns…
I will write about it tomorrow.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Sending love
When the kid tells you what he will do - that's not negotiating. That's a kid who wants to be in charge. Negotiating involves recognizing and respecting each other's limits.
What is your older son doing? Where is he getting it?
It seems like a game almost, of outwit Mom, and then you have to outwit them. You have to go looking for the missing duffel bag. You have to call the party and threaten to call the enlisting sergeant.
Sounds kind of like a war - and we know war only escalates.
We never went through this as teenagers because Mom and Dad rarely cared where we were and what we did. So you are venturing into new terrain. I was a bit clueless about what was going on when mine were younger. My kids were raiding their Dad's stash...not kidding. I had gotten in his face when our first was a toddler and made sure he never had it in the house, and made him agree not to have it around the kids.
My oldest son has an early memory of Dad smoking in the car, and telling him not to tell Mom. Yeah - teach them to lie early, divide the family...
Somewhere along the way, the kids asked about Dad's pipe. I said he didn't smoke a pipe, and several said - Oh yes he does.
I got really upset.
So he lied and hid it deeper. Sometimes he would rail at me about not watching the kids and they were getting into things. I asked if they were destroying anything or getting into trouble. He said no. I was alone with the kids all week. He was only home on weekend. I was busy. I didn't have time to police his private area of the barn if nothing bad was happening. He didn't want to tell me they were getting into his stash.
After he left, we went for a long time with no problems...A lot of that was due to peer group. Peer group is so important.
But we have had our struggles. And sometimes I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I sat and cried because I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one was a passionate about them as I was.
Remember, you have me...I am here.
Follow your heart. Is there any way to restart them with a new peer group? Like, send one to the Quaker boarding school my youngest attended out west?
But, no matter where you go, the culture is alive and well, and they will find it. Something needs to be healed in them.
I know you should follow your intuition. I know you need to do something. What does their father think? Does he have any insight? What about the girls? They may have generational insights or experiences shared by friends which could give a leading.
Keep me posted.
Sending love and hugs and Light...I care.
Clare
P.S. - You dump the beer!
What is your older son doing? Where is he getting it?
It seems like a game almost, of outwit Mom, and then you have to outwit them. You have to go looking for the missing duffel bag. You have to call the party and threaten to call the enlisting sergeant.
Sounds kind of like a war - and we know war only escalates.
We never went through this as teenagers because Mom and Dad rarely cared where we were and what we did. So you are venturing into new terrain. I was a bit clueless about what was going on when mine were younger. My kids were raiding their Dad's stash...not kidding. I had gotten in his face when our first was a toddler and made sure he never had it in the house, and made him agree not to have it around the kids.
My oldest son has an early memory of Dad smoking in the car, and telling him not to tell Mom. Yeah - teach them to lie early, divide the family...
Somewhere along the way, the kids asked about Dad's pipe. I said he didn't smoke a pipe, and several said - Oh yes he does.
I got really upset.
So he lied and hid it deeper. Sometimes he would rail at me about not watching the kids and they were getting into things. I asked if they were destroying anything or getting into trouble. He said no. I was alone with the kids all week. He was only home on weekend. I was busy. I didn't have time to police his private area of the barn if nothing bad was happening. He didn't want to tell me they were getting into his stash.
After he left, we went for a long time with no problems...A lot of that was due to peer group. Peer group is so important.
But we have had our struggles. And sometimes I didn't know what to do. Sometimes I sat and cried because I didn't have anyone to talk to. No one was a passionate about them as I was.
Remember, you have me...I am here.
Follow your heart. Is there any way to restart them with a new peer group? Like, send one to the Quaker boarding school my youngest attended out west?
But, no matter where you go, the culture is alive and well, and they will find it. Something needs to be healed in them.
I know you should follow your intuition. I know you need to do something. What does their father think? Does he have any insight? What about the girls? They may have generational insights or experiences shared by friends which could give a leading.
Keep me posted.
Sending love and hugs and Light...I care.
Clare
P.S. - You dump the beer!
negotiate??
My youngest wants to negotiate…
allow them free access/use of pot and he won't get involved in anything harder.
I told him that I draw the line at legality…
so, no pot is not OK.
I also found out that the older one is using harder drugs now too.
I have to look at professional options…
I can't lose them to drugs.
I am sick, tired and overwhelmed…
trying to keep my perspective, but desperately wanting them to just be straight.
I need sleep and time to think.
Maggie
So I forgot that I hadn't told you what happened yesterday. The youngest came back after husband came home…without the duffle bag he left with. He was evasive when asked what happened to it…so I went looking.
Out in the rain and mud…across a field and then up a dirt road I found it…not very far from the house.
Inside was a homemade pipe, bong and 12 beers.
He got angry…went out and drank 3 - 4 beers and then came back home.
seriously???
allow them free access/use of pot and he won't get involved in anything harder.
I told him that I draw the line at legality…
so, no pot is not OK.
I also found out that the older one is using harder drugs now too.
I have to look at professional options…
I can't lose them to drugs.
I am sick, tired and overwhelmed…
trying to keep my perspective, but desperately wanting them to just be straight.
I need sleep and time to think.
Maggie
So I forgot that I hadn't told you what happened yesterday. The youngest came back after husband came home…without the duffle bag he left with. He was evasive when asked what happened to it…so I went looking.
Out in the rain and mud…across a field and then up a dirt road I found it…not very far from the house.
Inside was a homemade pipe, bong and 12 beers.
He got angry…went out and drank 3 - 4 beers and then came back home.
seriously???
Monday, April 7, 2014
negotiate
Ireland is on my list. And I would love to see Istanbul.
Your comment about your ear infection is interesting. Everyone seems to have some similar ailments . And everyone I have talked to is having a hard time sleeping, is very emotional, is off center...I think everyone is ripe for change. I am not surprised your Reiki practitioner noticed. I think everyone is up for something big.
My neighbor, the older psychic woman, had a dream that she was in a glass room, absolutely transparent, with water flowing freely and cleanly down the walls. Since then she is having visions - clear visions. I think heightened sensitivity is also part of what is happening to all of us. And you have noticed it! You are part of it!
We're changing.
I wonder if you could find the right words when talking to your sons. I don't know if I have advice. What I think you are doing right and best is offering consistency. What I did when mine were young was negotiate. We negotiated everything. That does not mean they never did anything stupid. That does not mean they did not het in trouble. But what I noticed was that when we negotiated, they abided by our agreement. We talked it all out, sometimes at great length.
I remember thinking, more than once - "Damn, why can't you all just do what I say!" It took a lot of work, but it was worth it in the end.
Interesting question - are you being too strict to keep them from being like our brothers? How much freedom do they have compared to their peers? Not their friends, but to the average student in their class? You parent differently than we were parented. Our brothers had completely different problems...
What I hear from the outside is that you are always calm and friendly in the way you talk to them. I don't understand why they think it is okay to call their mom a bitch. That is abusive. Their father allows them to speak to any woman, especially his wife, that way?
Only you know what is going on inside your home. As soon as someone from outside the immediate family enters, the dynamics change.
What do you think? What do you want? How do you get there? And you're right - this age sucks...really sucks. Even the notoriously good kids do stupid things!
Don't give up. Keep smiling, and don't let anyone call you a bitch or doubt your sanity.
Still feeling exhausted and congested and achey. I'll be back tomorrow.
I love you,
Clare
Your comment about your ear infection is interesting. Everyone seems to have some similar ailments . And everyone I have talked to is having a hard time sleeping, is very emotional, is off center...I think everyone is ripe for change. I am not surprised your Reiki practitioner noticed. I think everyone is up for something big.
My neighbor, the older psychic woman, had a dream that she was in a glass room, absolutely transparent, with water flowing freely and cleanly down the walls. Since then she is having visions - clear visions. I think heightened sensitivity is also part of what is happening to all of us. And you have noticed it! You are part of it!
We're changing.
I wonder if you could find the right words when talking to your sons. I don't know if I have advice. What I think you are doing right and best is offering consistency. What I did when mine were young was negotiate. We negotiated everything. That does not mean they never did anything stupid. That does not mean they did not het in trouble. But what I noticed was that when we negotiated, they abided by our agreement. We talked it all out, sometimes at great length.
I remember thinking, more than once - "Damn, why can't you all just do what I say!" It took a lot of work, but it was worth it in the end.
Interesting question - are you being too strict to keep them from being like our brothers? How much freedom do they have compared to their peers? Not their friends, but to the average student in their class? You parent differently than we were parented. Our brothers had completely different problems...
What I hear from the outside is that you are always calm and friendly in the way you talk to them. I don't understand why they think it is okay to call their mom a bitch. That is abusive. Their father allows them to speak to any woman, especially his wife, that way?
Only you know what is going on inside your home. As soon as someone from outside the immediate family enters, the dynamics change.
What do you think? What do you want? How do you get there? And you're right - this age sucks...really sucks. Even the notoriously good kids do stupid things!
Don't give up. Keep smiling, and don't let anyone call you a bitch or doubt your sanity.
Still feeling exhausted and congested and achey. I'll be back tomorrow.
I love you,
Clare
In need of wisdom
So, all day long my sons have been texting me, from school, asking to go out after school…
one has detention for cursing…
I told them to come home and then we could discuss it…
they continue to text…
the younger one sent 12 text messages and 2 phone calls…
all the same answer…come home and we will figure it out.
Well, I got home and he - once again- blew up about what a b#*^h I am and how he makes me hate this house. He asked me what I have done to make him feel loved and welcomed here…
I pointed out the obvious, last weeks 4 day sickness…
He wanted to know another example.
Do men ever remember anything????
It's like the man who just had sex and wants it again…
hello, we just did that!
Yeah but that was so yesterday!
Sorry, I am so TIRED of male energy right now…
I want to "get me to a nunnery".
Everything I do is short lived and forgotten…
my first married song was "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole…
and yet no one remembers what I do an hour or a day later.
I just arrived home from the reiki healer…
she told me that transitions are coming my way…
and decisions that will require me to consider my needs first…
that's a lot to ask of me…
but I am willing to do that…
I am willing to consider my needs, because I believe that will serve the greater good.
So, help me to remain consistent with these boys…
part of me wants to cave and take the road of least resistance…
but then that song, "I Hope You Dance" plays in my head and I don't want to settle…
I want to be strong and consistent, but remain flexible.
This stage sucks! It REALLY sucks!
AM I being to strict- to avoid them turning out like our brothers?
I wonder if some of my reactions are based on subconscious memories.
Am I responding or am I reacting?
I can't tell.
I need some distance to see the big picture.
I need some insight and advice.
Any wisdom?
Maggie
one has detention for cursing…
I told them to come home and then we could discuss it…
they continue to text…
the younger one sent 12 text messages and 2 phone calls…
all the same answer…come home and we will figure it out.
Well, I got home and he - once again- blew up about what a b#*^h I am and how he makes me hate this house. He asked me what I have done to make him feel loved and welcomed here…
I pointed out the obvious, last weeks 4 day sickness…
He wanted to know another example.
Do men ever remember anything????
It's like the man who just had sex and wants it again…
hello, we just did that!
Yeah but that was so yesterday!
Sorry, I am so TIRED of male energy right now…
I want to "get me to a nunnery".
Everything I do is short lived and forgotten…
my first married song was "Unforgettable" by Nat King Cole…
and yet no one remembers what I do an hour or a day later.
I just arrived home from the reiki healer…
she told me that transitions are coming my way…
and decisions that will require me to consider my needs first…
that's a lot to ask of me…
but I am willing to do that…
I am willing to consider my needs, because I believe that will serve the greater good.
So, help me to remain consistent with these boys…
part of me wants to cave and take the road of least resistance…
but then that song, "I Hope You Dance" plays in my head and I don't want to settle…
I want to be strong and consistent, but remain flexible.
This stage sucks! It REALLY sucks!
AM I being to strict- to avoid them turning out like our brothers?
I wonder if some of my reactions are based on subconscious memories.
Am I responding or am I reacting?
I can't tell.
I need some distance to see the big picture.
I need some insight and advice.
Any wisdom?
Maggie
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Tuning in
Clare,
So what other I destinations are you going to visit: Ireland, Iraq, Iran, Istanbul? It might be fun to see how far you can go.
I've had a weekend of not feeling well. I don't think I've ever had an earache before, but Friday evening I developed one and it is still here. It's not as painful as it is pressure- sensation, but every once in a while it really hurts. Now I understand all of that crying when my kids were little. I can pop it at times which sounds terrible- a high pitched squeaky noise in my head- but the relief is very limited.
We went to a Jazz concert on Friday evening, A french-american woman who sang like Billy Holiday. It was really wonderful. SHe did not have much of a stage presence, but her voice was magnifique.
I have been working overtime on this costuming project. I have all of the pieces done for 4 of the 5 female leads. The final one's skirt is finished, but he (he's cross-dressing) had bariatric surgery, so I am giving him a week or so more to lose weight. I had the fun of trying some of the pieces on S#3 last week…she's a good sport…they actually worked really well.
I am looking forward to a crazy, crazy month. I have work, in addition to the usual responsibilities I have an advocacy day in Harrisburg this week. Next week I have 2 evening presentations for my SW job and then another evening presentation the following week. It is crunch time for my class- an exam this week and then 3 weeks until the final. I still have aprons to make for all 5 actresses. And 2 actors need outfits- they haven't been cast yet, so I have no idea what size to make. I have to plan an Earth Day display. The counseling is going really well, but I am getting busier each week.
The past 2 weeks counseling has been really amazing. I find myself with insights that really help the clients. I think that something is guiding me. I listen and then something from my past lessons comes up…I get to share these hard-earned lessons. For example, I have a young woman- terrible childhood, Mom with mental illness, Dad remarried and step-mother hated her. She left home at 10 to live with grandma- that was better, but Grandma didn't give up her schedule to accommodate this woman. She left home at 17 to marry a man she met on the internet- abusive relationship after abusive relationship has brought her to 7 kids by multiple men, no education (left school in 8th grade). She broke down this week and cried that she has wasted her life, that she has nothing. All she wants to do is to return home, to the mid-west. I thought of the Wizard of Oz- my favorite movie. She said she loved that movie. I told her that she was Dorothy, setting out on the yellow brick road…she's got a lot of trials and triumphs ahead of her…but eventually she will come to see that everything she really needs is already inside of her. It felt as if we really connected over that. It felt right and she "got it".
Other things, like that have happened…it amazes me when the right words are there for them. I know it's bigger than me…I'm not directing this…I feel as if I am a channel for the words. I think I am where I am supposed to be. So, despite my distracted state, or over burdened state- I am "tuning in" at times.
I hope that you had a wonderful weekend. I am looking forward to the week ahead. I have a reiki appointment tomorrow- that's always interesting.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
So what other I destinations are you going to visit: Ireland, Iraq, Iran, Istanbul? It might be fun to see how far you can go.
I've had a weekend of not feeling well. I don't think I've ever had an earache before, but Friday evening I developed one and it is still here. It's not as painful as it is pressure- sensation, but every once in a while it really hurts. Now I understand all of that crying when my kids were little. I can pop it at times which sounds terrible- a high pitched squeaky noise in my head- but the relief is very limited.
We went to a Jazz concert on Friday evening, A french-american woman who sang like Billy Holiday. It was really wonderful. SHe did not have much of a stage presence, but her voice was magnifique.
I have been working overtime on this costuming project. I have all of the pieces done for 4 of the 5 female leads. The final one's skirt is finished, but he (he's cross-dressing) had bariatric surgery, so I am giving him a week or so more to lose weight. I had the fun of trying some of the pieces on S#3 last week…she's a good sport…they actually worked really well.
I am looking forward to a crazy, crazy month. I have work, in addition to the usual responsibilities I have an advocacy day in Harrisburg this week. Next week I have 2 evening presentations for my SW job and then another evening presentation the following week. It is crunch time for my class- an exam this week and then 3 weeks until the final. I still have aprons to make for all 5 actresses. And 2 actors need outfits- they haven't been cast yet, so I have no idea what size to make. I have to plan an Earth Day display. The counseling is going really well, but I am getting busier each week.
The past 2 weeks counseling has been really amazing. I find myself with insights that really help the clients. I think that something is guiding me. I listen and then something from my past lessons comes up…I get to share these hard-earned lessons. For example, I have a young woman- terrible childhood, Mom with mental illness, Dad remarried and step-mother hated her. She left home at 10 to live with grandma- that was better, but Grandma didn't give up her schedule to accommodate this woman. She left home at 17 to marry a man she met on the internet- abusive relationship after abusive relationship has brought her to 7 kids by multiple men, no education (left school in 8th grade). She broke down this week and cried that she has wasted her life, that she has nothing. All she wants to do is to return home, to the mid-west. I thought of the Wizard of Oz- my favorite movie. She said she loved that movie. I told her that she was Dorothy, setting out on the yellow brick road…she's got a lot of trials and triumphs ahead of her…but eventually she will come to see that everything she really needs is already inside of her. It felt as if we really connected over that. It felt right and she "got it".
Other things, like that have happened…it amazes me when the right words are there for them. I know it's bigger than me…I'm not directing this…I feel as if I am a channel for the words. I think I am where I am supposed to be. So, despite my distracted state, or over burdened state- I am "tuning in" at times.
I hope that you had a wonderful weekend. I am looking forward to the week ahead. I have a reiki appointment tomorrow- that's always interesting.
Until tomorrow,
Love and Light,
Maggie
I's
Dreamed last night, of getting a passport. Then I visited India, sort of accidentally. It seemed like my impression of the US in the 40s or 50s. Wherever I was, there were a lot of hills and deciduous trees. And houses close together...Then I visited Italy.
Stuck me that I was visiting I's.
Thinking about being poor, probably because of my impressions of India. The poor are separated from the Earth. The rich own everything, even things that can not be owned, and displace the rest of us rendering us detached. The rich separate themselves from the Earth and from the poor, who are bad and wicked and dirty, with their possessions.
When the catastrophes happen, when the planet takes us all for a wild ride, those who are not attached are flung off. Those who are connected, they know how to hang on, and maybe even enjoy the ride.
This week, with people's emotions, with dreams, with the news, I have the strong sensation that we are on a roller coaster that has been slowly climbing up, up, up. Now we are almost at that balance point at the very top. We are in for a ride we can't possibly stop.
And - I'm off for my day - which started with the dog gagging on the couch. I pulled him down so he wouldn't vomit on the upholstery. So he went running for the other couch. Really????? I got him out the door before he retched!
Hope you have an interesting day!
Love,
Clare
Stuck me that I was visiting I's.
Thinking about being poor, probably because of my impressions of India. The poor are separated from the Earth. The rich own everything, even things that can not be owned, and displace the rest of us rendering us detached. The rich separate themselves from the Earth and from the poor, who are bad and wicked and dirty, with their possessions.
When the catastrophes happen, when the planet takes us all for a wild ride, those who are not attached are flung off. Those who are connected, they know how to hang on, and maybe even enjoy the ride.
This week, with people's emotions, with dreams, with the news, I have the strong sensation that we are on a roller coaster that has been slowly climbing up, up, up. Now we are almost at that balance point at the very top. We are in for a ride we can't possibly stop.
And - I'm off for my day - which started with the dog gagging on the couch. I pulled him down so he wouldn't vomit on the upholstery. So he went running for the other couch. Really????? I got him out the door before he retched!
Hope you have an interesting day!
Love,
Clare
Friday, April 4, 2014
Home sings me of sweet things...
I don't know if I ever learned that being myself was evil, as much as just not acceptable, not loveable. Also, those who have the nerve to be different are targeted. We are all afraid in this violent society. Free spirits scare the crap out of us, and so we squash them, just to make ourselves comfortable.
I've always been a bit of a nonconformist - not nearly as much as I wish, or dream, or imagine - but some. Later, I notice people imitating me. Someone has to go first.
West coast dreams are most likely related to my strong desire to see my son and his family. There has been a lot of connection lately, and I miss them, and worry about them, and dream of being with them. Maybe I'm also dreaming of having the freedom to take off, just because I want to or whenever I am needed.
Hey, goooood point - learn to control your anger as a way to practice for future relationships! I have often wondered why we are nicer, politer to strangers in the grocery line than we are to our own family - those we profess to love most. Why do we come home and vomit our anger at home? Kind of like crapping in our own beds. Not very wise.
I saw a question that pushed my buttons today: If you only had two weeks to live, and wanted to go home...where would you go?
I had a mini film clip of family and friends and places we have been roll through my mind, and came here, to this time and this place. But I would draw my family close, starting with my children. I love this house, I love this hill, I love this lake. This feels like home. But it's the personalities that make it home, more than the place. Kids, grandkids, sisters, the dogs and the queen of the household cat, some close friends.
I also thought of the way we wait until we are close to death to make peace, to remind people that we love them...
We had a contra dance last week. A couple from another meeting came. They are gracious, generous, welcoming people. During the dance, I saw her go downstairs and get a pitcher of water and a glass for each of the band members. I didn't think of that. I am not gracious. I still don't notice others enough.
This is something I have to work on!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Note- read an account by a man who was attacked my a large cat and thought he was going to die. He said the moment of almost transition was ecstatic.
I've always been a bit of a nonconformist - not nearly as much as I wish, or dream, or imagine - but some. Later, I notice people imitating me. Someone has to go first.
West coast dreams are most likely related to my strong desire to see my son and his family. There has been a lot of connection lately, and I miss them, and worry about them, and dream of being with them. Maybe I'm also dreaming of having the freedom to take off, just because I want to or whenever I am needed.
Hey, goooood point - learn to control your anger as a way to practice for future relationships! I have often wondered why we are nicer, politer to strangers in the grocery line than we are to our own family - those we profess to love most. Why do we come home and vomit our anger at home? Kind of like crapping in our own beds. Not very wise.
I saw a question that pushed my buttons today: If you only had two weeks to live, and wanted to go home...where would you go?
I had a mini film clip of family and friends and places we have been roll through my mind, and came here, to this time and this place. But I would draw my family close, starting with my children. I love this house, I love this hill, I love this lake. This feels like home. But it's the personalities that make it home, more than the place. Kids, grandkids, sisters, the dogs and the queen of the household cat, some close friends.
I also thought of the way we wait until we are close to death to make peace, to remind people that we love them...
We had a contra dance last week. A couple from another meeting came. They are gracious, generous, welcoming people. During the dance, I saw her go downstairs and get a pitcher of water and a glass for each of the band members. I didn't think of that. I am not gracious. I still don't notice others enough.
This is something I have to work on!
Love and hugs,
Clare
Note- read an account by a man who was attacked my a large cat and thought he was going to die. He said the moment of almost transition was ecstatic.
A long week
Fascinating…
We are hiding behind our plastic facades…
maybe it's make up, maybe tattoos, maybe piercings, maybe fat…
but we are camouflaging ourselves to not bee truly seen.
When did we learn that being ourselves was evil? Why do we think conformity is the norm?
Conformity does allow survival of the herd…
I am thinking of zebras against the lions...
but the individual either loses its own identity or gets killed as it strays along the fringes.
I am asking myself, Would I rather die a long, slow, emotionally paralyzed death or just get taken down by the predator? I am not sure the answer I would choose…
except that I would offer a third alternative, Would I rather stray and be myself, with the potential of death, but also the potential of true living…
that's my choice…
now I need to find the courage to follow that.
The dreams are interesting the West Coast…does that symbolize new life…or for you picking up a lost part of your present life?
The permanent record is priceless…you are the keeper of your own history…
only you are responsible for it, and the past's effects on your present life. I love the nun delivering it to you…I hope she didn't have a ruler in her hand.
The insights into animal behaviors make me stop and think. We are confused, disconnected…
we don't know how to be really human any more…
and it's been generations since we actually lived with the land…
you do a good job of that though…I guess the wisdom is there if we choose to access it.
I am tired from being up with my son…
he is better…
back to school today.
The week was good for us...
peaceful,
we talked about respectful communication and that I expect him to speak respectfully to me…
he can think what he wants, but not say it aloud…
I told him it is good training for when her has a partner in life…
no woman or man would stay around being talked to the way he has to me in the recent past…
he seemed to appreciate the message.
I am off to the office.
I have met such strong women at this office…
most of whom have stories similar ours…
and they are fighting for their lives…
I am blessed to see this side of humanity.
Love and Light Clare,
Maggie
We are hiding behind our plastic facades…
maybe it's make up, maybe tattoos, maybe piercings, maybe fat…
but we are camouflaging ourselves to not bee truly seen.
When did we learn that being ourselves was evil? Why do we think conformity is the norm?
Conformity does allow survival of the herd…
I am thinking of zebras against the lions...
but the individual either loses its own identity or gets killed as it strays along the fringes.
I am asking myself, Would I rather die a long, slow, emotionally paralyzed death or just get taken down by the predator? I am not sure the answer I would choose…
except that I would offer a third alternative, Would I rather stray and be myself, with the potential of death, but also the potential of true living…
that's my choice…
now I need to find the courage to follow that.
The dreams are interesting the West Coast…does that symbolize new life…or for you picking up a lost part of your present life?
The permanent record is priceless…you are the keeper of your own history…
only you are responsible for it, and the past's effects on your present life. I love the nun delivering it to you…I hope she didn't have a ruler in her hand.
The insights into animal behaviors make me stop and think. We are confused, disconnected…
we don't know how to be really human any more…
and it's been generations since we actually lived with the land…
you do a good job of that though…I guess the wisdom is there if we choose to access it.
I am tired from being up with my son…
he is better…
back to school today.
The week was good for us...
peaceful,
we talked about respectful communication and that I expect him to speak respectfully to me…
he can think what he wants, but not say it aloud…
I told him it is good training for when her has a partner in life…
no woman or man would stay around being talked to the way he has to me in the recent past…
he seemed to appreciate the message.
I am off to the office.
I have met such strong women at this office…
most of whom have stories similar ours…
and they are fighting for their lives…
I am blessed to see this side of humanity.
Love and Light Clare,
Maggie
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Middle-night Musings
I'm back...I had some crazy dreams, and wanted to share.
I had lots of crazy dreams, all jumbled together. Bits and pieces stayed with me. I wanted to record them here, partly for posterity, partly for any insight you may have. I dreamed someone I knew was moving to the west coast. I had three rides lined up for visiting my west coast kids. I was so happy.
Then I dreamed I was sitting at a table, maybe in a cafeteria, with another woman, maybe my oldest daughter or maybe her best friend. Someone, a nun I think, was coming and talking to people at each table. When she stopped at our table, she talked for a few minutes and left. There were some papers left behind. I picked them up and realized it was my permanent record. Remember the threats in school? That's going on your permanent record! I wanted to call her and give it back, but the person I was with took it and hid it, then gave it back to me later. I realized it was mine, and no one else should have it.
I opened it up and saw my childhood handwriting - like from when I was about 9. I had captioned a lot of photos of Grammy. She must have been in her late 30's, and she was smiling. I also started reading some of the private notes teachers had written about me. I can't remember them now, though.
But then, as usual lately, I was awake in the middle of the night. I read something yesterday that said all of the wildlife, notably the bison, are fleeing from Yellowstone Park. I was thinking about animals and instinct. I was thinking about cows - they used to be wild. But now they are trapped out of the sunlight, ankle deep in their own shit, fed ground stuff which includes cow products - forced cannibalism - and antibiotics. If they were released, they would be confused. They would not know how to flee the way the bison do.
Then I stopped and the thought came - Oh, that's us. We are trapped, fed processed crap, and we don't recognize how to escape. We have been dulled...
Aren't I a breath of fresh air tonight??
Hope all is well with you and your family. Sending love to all.
Clare
I had lots of crazy dreams, all jumbled together. Bits and pieces stayed with me. I wanted to record them here, partly for posterity, partly for any insight you may have. I dreamed someone I knew was moving to the west coast. I had three rides lined up for visiting my west coast kids. I was so happy.
Then I dreamed I was sitting at a table, maybe in a cafeteria, with another woman, maybe my oldest daughter or maybe her best friend. Someone, a nun I think, was coming and talking to people at each table. When she stopped at our table, she talked for a few minutes and left. There were some papers left behind. I picked them up and realized it was my permanent record. Remember the threats in school? That's going on your permanent record! I wanted to call her and give it back, but the person I was with took it and hid it, then gave it back to me later. I realized it was mine, and no one else should have it.
I opened it up and saw my childhood handwriting - like from when I was about 9. I had captioned a lot of photos of Grammy. She must have been in her late 30's, and she was smiling. I also started reading some of the private notes teachers had written about me. I can't remember them now, though.
But then, as usual lately, I was awake in the middle of the night. I read something yesterday that said all of the wildlife, notably the bison, are fleeing from Yellowstone Park. I was thinking about animals and instinct. I was thinking about cows - they used to be wild. But now they are trapped out of the sunlight, ankle deep in their own shit, fed ground stuff which includes cow products - forced cannibalism - and antibiotics. If they were released, they would be confused. They would not know how to flee the way the bison do.
Then I stopped and the thought came - Oh, that's us. We are trapped, fed processed crap, and we don't recognize how to escape. We have been dulled...
Aren't I a breath of fresh air tonight??
Hope all is well with you and your family. Sending love to all.
Clare
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Costumed
Had a weird little moment I thought I would share. I was getting ready to go in the shower and glanced out the window, Maybe I saw my reflection, I'm not sure...but I suddenly had the feeling that my fat was a costume I pulled on on purpose. I saw my real self underneath. Then I wondered if old was another part of the costume we pull on...
Sweet dreams,
Clare
Sweet dreams,
Clare
Exhausted and restless
I spent ten years with no electricity. I know most of the plants that grow here. I have a lot of useful skills. I do know I want my family with me. Why survive if everyone else is gone? But, maybe when the time comes, we have a stronger will to survive than we could possibly imagine.
Went for two walks today. Took the dogs out after I was finished at my desk, because I thought I would explode if I didn't get out in the sunshine. After dinner my daughter asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her and the baby, to try to tire the baby out. So we leashed up the dogs again, and we went out to breathe fresh air. It felt good. I am feeling so hopeful - that the flowers will return, that the gardens will be productive and healthy and vibrant and nourishing on every level...that I can go barefoot soon.
And now, both dogs are curled up together in the big recliner.
When I was out, I didn't find any daffodils or tulips pushing through. I wonder if the extreme cold killed them. I did find daylilies and irises and vinca. So, spring is coming...I heard the red-winged blackbirds. They sing summer to my soul.
So we are expecting two eclipses this month. As I have noted repeatedly here, an eclipse usually brings some unwanted, but desperately needed information or insight. I'm gaining some resolve - just sit back and let it happen. Just keep my mind open and see what the universe has to present this time.
The Earth is working on finding balance. We had two earthquakes this week. And we had the rampaging waters that weren't worth reporting, which means that there must have been violent extremes many places.
I thought your image of sinking in the Subaru was poetically appropriate. I don't have a car. I'm a pain in everybody else's butt, but there's nothing to sink me in!
The restlessness continues. I am tired, but I have things to do. So let me face them, then maybe I can rest.
How is your boy? How is our sister?
Love and hugs and such,
Clare
Went for two walks today. Took the dogs out after I was finished at my desk, because I thought I would explode if I didn't get out in the sunshine. After dinner my daughter asked if I wanted to go for a walk with her and the baby, to try to tire the baby out. So we leashed up the dogs again, and we went out to breathe fresh air. It felt good. I am feeling so hopeful - that the flowers will return, that the gardens will be productive and healthy and vibrant and nourishing on every level...that I can go barefoot soon.
And now, both dogs are curled up together in the big recliner.
When I was out, I didn't find any daffodils or tulips pushing through. I wonder if the extreme cold killed them. I did find daylilies and irises and vinca. So, spring is coming...I heard the red-winged blackbirds. They sing summer to my soul.
So we are expecting two eclipses this month. As I have noted repeatedly here, an eclipse usually brings some unwanted, but desperately needed information or insight. I'm gaining some resolve - just sit back and let it happen. Just keep my mind open and see what the universe has to present this time.
The Earth is working on finding balance. We had two earthquakes this week. And we had the rampaging waters that weren't worth reporting, which means that there must have been violent extremes many places.
I thought your image of sinking in the Subaru was poetically appropriate. I don't have a car. I'm a pain in everybody else's butt, but there's nothing to sink me in!
The restlessness continues. I am tired, but I have things to do. So let me face them, then maybe I can rest.
How is your boy? How is our sister?
Love and hugs and such,
Clare
homeostasis
Clare,
I woke yesterday to my son asking for help, another day with the stomach virus…
I gathered the necessary items, made him comfortable and cleaned up the aftermath of the previous night…and then he asked me to sing to him…
he asked to be comforted in a way that we hadn't done for a very long time…
it was really magical.
I am grateful for these little opportunities…
and hope that I don't overlook them because they are inconvenient for me.
I think we are going to have to be very adaptable…
and smart…
in order to ride this storm.
There will be many, who have abundant resources who will not have the common-sense, survival smarts… but I would expect that those closest to the land will do the best. The indigenous people who have not lost connection…those who are open enough to learn from the earth…they are the survivors…the rest of us will sink in our Subaru.
The earth is purging…
it is overworked and overloaded…
and overtaxed…
and exploited…
out of balance.
It needs to regain homeostasis.
That perfect, dynamos, give and take kind of balance that supports life and health.
Humans are working so hard against the balance…at least most of us are.
It is a losing proposition…because the earth is a larger force and we are mortal.
I am on the road all day today. I will see S#3 later today- which is always a blessing.
Have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
I woke yesterday to my son asking for help, another day with the stomach virus…
I gathered the necessary items, made him comfortable and cleaned up the aftermath of the previous night…and then he asked me to sing to him…
he asked to be comforted in a way that we hadn't done for a very long time…
it was really magical.
I am grateful for these little opportunities…
and hope that I don't overlook them because they are inconvenient for me.
I think we are going to have to be very adaptable…
and smart…
in order to ride this storm.
There will be many, who have abundant resources who will not have the common-sense, survival smarts… but I would expect that those closest to the land will do the best. The indigenous people who have not lost connection…those who are open enough to learn from the earth…they are the survivors…the rest of us will sink in our Subaru.
The earth is purging…
it is overworked and overloaded…
and overtaxed…
and exploited…
out of balance.
It needs to regain homeostasis.
That perfect, dynamos, give and take kind of balance that supports life and health.
Humans are working so hard against the balance…at least most of us are.
It is a losing proposition…because the earth is a larger force and we are mortal.
I am on the road all day today. I will see S#3 later today- which is always a blessing.
Have a wonderful day.
Love and Light,
Maggie
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Riiiiiide!
Hey Maggie,
I think that when we are sick, we are vulnerable, we are soft and open to grace. I think maybe one of the honors of being a parent is taking care of sick children. They are some of the most tender memories I cherish.
Hmmmm...might have been fun to show up at Mom and Dad's with a dozen young adults. Just thinking...
I am busy waiting for the snow to melt and wondering if it truly will. I am going to plant some seeds for the garden - here in the house, so my melons and cucumbers have a head start. I am living in the future, anticipating gardens. I always get develop this image of a perfect garden in my head. Then I realize it is silly, because everything does not bloom and/or ripen at the same time. Kind of like life. Things progress and happen in progressions. And we have to trust.
I feel like changes are happening around me, quickly. I feel like storms bring the changes. I have almost finished reading Flight Behavior, and have begun understanding - less logically and more emotionally - that climate change is not only real, but drastically real and everything will be drastically different. It's not that things are going to shake up a little and go back to normal...which is what I realized I have been waiting for. Things will never go back. We will have chaos and then there will be a new normal.
Coming home, passing over the high point in the fog, seeing the torrents of rain ripping at the road...I suddenly felt it inside my being. The normal will be ripped away and we will have to settle into a new normal...if we survive.
I have been seeing it in relationships, too. It's a way to remember, to be forced to acknowledge, that we are connected to the Earth. We are part of it and the changes are going to reflect in our lives in so many ways.
I think now is the time of testing our faith and our connection. Can we ride the flow? Relax and hang on? Trust that we are where we need to be?
I hope so...
I know trust is centered in the heart chakra. Faith. Whatever happens is meant to happen and I simply have to surrender as gracefully as possible. I have been working on softening. And I think the time is upon us...we are going for a riiiide!
Love and hugs and faith and trust...
Clare
I think that when we are sick, we are vulnerable, we are soft and open to grace. I think maybe one of the honors of being a parent is taking care of sick children. They are some of the most tender memories I cherish.
Hmmmm...might have been fun to show up at Mom and Dad's with a dozen young adults. Just thinking...
I am busy waiting for the snow to melt and wondering if it truly will. I am going to plant some seeds for the garden - here in the house, so my melons and cucumbers have a head start. I am living in the future, anticipating gardens. I always get develop this image of a perfect garden in my head. Then I realize it is silly, because everything does not bloom and/or ripen at the same time. Kind of like life. Things progress and happen in progressions. And we have to trust.
I feel like changes are happening around me, quickly. I feel like storms bring the changes. I have almost finished reading Flight Behavior, and have begun understanding - less logically and more emotionally - that climate change is not only real, but drastically real and everything will be drastically different. It's not that things are going to shake up a little and go back to normal...which is what I realized I have been waiting for. Things will never go back. We will have chaos and then there will be a new normal.
Coming home, passing over the high point in the fog, seeing the torrents of rain ripping at the road...I suddenly felt it inside my being. The normal will be ripped away and we will have to settle into a new normal...if we survive.
I have been seeing it in relationships, too. It's a way to remember, to be forced to acknowledge, that we are connected to the Earth. We are part of it and the changes are going to reflect in our lives in so many ways.
I think now is the time of testing our faith and our connection. Can we ride the flow? Relax and hang on? Trust that we are where we need to be?
I hope so...
I know trust is centered in the heart chakra. Faith. Whatever happens is meant to happen and I simply have to surrender as gracefully as possible. I have been working on softening. And I think the time is upon us...we are going for a riiiide!
Love and hugs and faith and trust...
Clare
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