Where there's a will...nurture it.

I am at the beach. Sorry I had intended to write before we left, but had so many preparations and chores to do that I was spent. I also had a 3 days headache that made me disagreeable, so it was probably better that I did not write.

You wrote a lot of frustration, pain and fear.
It amazes me that almost 50 years after the events we still hold these emotions.
We usually hold them deep...
not allowing them to affect our day to day lives...
or so we think.
The truth of the situation is that our young experiences have tainted everything we have done and will do. We choose for or against options because of the way that we were treated as children.
And yet, as you point out, we survived...
it couldn't have been too bad.
Shouldn't that fact make us feel better?...
No damn it...
we deserved far more...
we should THRIVE...
not merely survive.

I have heard worse stories.
For many years people have shared their stories of personal abuse with me.
I must be a safe place because they tell me things they have never shared.
I never know what to do...
I listen, reassure them that it was no their fault, and accept them just as they are.

I remember when my first child was born. She refused a bottle. We tried so many tricks, anything to have her take a plastic nipple. People told me to let her get so hungry that she would have no choice but to take my milk from the bottle. I couldn't hurt her in order to make my life easier. I remember choosing to not "break her will" because that will is her protection in the future. I rearranged my schedule, had her brought to me to nurse during my time at the office and we all survived...maybe even thrived.

The thought that breaking the will is a conscious, cultural child-rearing choice makes me sick.
I understand that it must make having kids easier...
less arguments, defiance, rule-breaking.
What caliber of adults are we raising?
You don't get your will handed back to you when you turn 18...
even if you are no longer welcome in your family home.
Maybe that's why the military is so attractive to young people...
maybe they move from one restrictive, controlled environment into another without realizing they are being exploited, even to the point of death.

This work that we are doing is incredibly important...
life changing...
maybe even for others besides the two of us.
Working through the pain, fear and frustration will allow us to be free, at least more so than we are now.
I understand that feeling of being helpless that you described in conjunction with B#3...
I think that my greatest regret and guilt come from not helping S#3...allowing the boys to molest her as well...I have dealt with those feelings but if I could have a do-over that would be it.

As for the question of generational "traditions" of broken promises the one that stands out in my memory was Dad sending money home from the war, with the understanding that they would put it into a savings account for him. When he returned they had spent it, considering it repayment for having raised him. We are a strange family.

I will check in tomorrow.
Much to think about while listening to the ocean.

I love you,
Maggie