judging

We are judgmental.  We judge how others mother, for instance.  My mother-in-law was appalled at my extended breastfeeding.  But once, she admitted that she had wanted to nurse her third and the doctor told her not to bother.  Her criticism stemmed from regret, maybe, and the wish for me to do as she had done.  I think if I had parented the way she did, it would have justified or normalized or somehow made it okay.  Instead, I made her uncomfortable.

I judge others who bottle feed, even though I stop myself.  My first reaction is always, "Poor baby."  I don't say it.  I hope I don't show it.  Because my next reaction is always, "That mama loves her baby and is making the best choice for her family and her situation."  But my instinctive, honest reaction is always judgmental.

We judge each other as we gossip and compare lives.  By commenting on what someone else is doing, we gauge ourselves.  But I agree, we are hardest on ourselves.  I know that no one else is as vicious about me as I am.  I am cruel and heartless about myself.  I am writing this to try to understand it.  Where does it come from?  Maybe I am honoring my father by agreeing and amplifying my perceptions of his opinions.  Maybe it's like after being raped...sometimes we agree to sexual encounters a little too readily to avoid being raped again.  In effect we participate in our own future rapes - we have learned that we are not in charge of our own beings.  Maybe.  I like the way I hide behind "we" instead of saying "I".  I continually participate in my own rape to save you all the trouble, to protect myself from being the victim again...I save you all the bother of villifying me by doing it first.

I had never considered this before...something new to chew on!

I will try to find some vitamins.  And I have not been walking regularly since I broke my wrist.  My hands swell, and it is uncomfortable.  I do most of my walking on weekends, when I have the baby.  I walk for hours to keep her lulled to sleep.

I also wonder about our youngest siblings' great memories of our idyllic childhood.  I wonder how this latest breach will affect S#4.  She is one of the good-memory sibs.  I wonder about S#5 and her jumping in to save and serve the parents, and the comments she makes about being the one that gets to live close to them.  Seems like she is trying to create a scenario to sort of match her childhood memories.  Note, I am being just a tad judgmental, even though I asked my rhetorical questions with love..

I really enjoy reading Barbara Kingsolver.  Did you see many meteors?  You get a wish for each one!  I spent one night last weekend at a friend's home in the hills, watching the meteor shower and listening to the bird migration.  It was magical.  It amazed me that there were flocks passing overhead that we could not see...not at all.  But two bird experts who were with us could hear them and identify them - warblers, apparently.  Then yesterday I spent the afternoon at the lake.  It was my granddaughter's birthday.  The kids found a cicada that was molting.  By the time I got there, I could see the newly emerged iridescent insect with shimmery blue and green wings, and the empty shell.  We watched as the chitin hardened and the newly formed cicada could walk up the tree.  More magic.  And the lake was like a mirror. Amazing.

The baby is teething and is grumpy and in pain.  It's going to be a long few days for her mama...

Enjoy the ocean.

Love from Clare